aloneinaz Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Its refreshing to hear a woman appreciate a guy being open, honest and forward with the like of her vs. saying "this guy is not challenge".. It seems to be such a fine line between being a catch or a bore. At my age, I don't want to play games. If I like a girl, I'll tell her that at the appropriate time. I still have fears that she'll lose interest and then be done with me but I'm going to be me whether it's good or bad.. 2
Babolat Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 ditto... (with a slight edit). enjoy this time, it feels great... but the 3 month mark or thereabouts is pretty pivotal. I agree 100%. When I first meet a girl and I am into her, she will know. And for those who say it should be easy, I hear you, and tend to agree, though it does take work, however you want to define work, for a relationsheip, to well, work. If all of the other elements are in place, it's mostly working on communication. It's amazing when you start talking about how something makes/made you feel with your partenr, or hearing them say the same, how communication can be off and how not addressing that communication can deterioate the relationship. We all come with our baggage, we all have our defenses and "things" we bring into a relationship from prior relationshsips that effect how we respond, listen, act in a new relationship. Talking and working thru that is crucial.
Author Drseussgrrl Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Isn't this exactly what you said about the previous guy? What I mean is, maybe it's best to watch what's going on for the first couple of months rather than get carried away. Hope it works out though. I was excited about the last dude for a little bit, but if I'm honest with myself there were little signs, such as his reluctance to add me on FB, wouldn't be in touch for a few days at a time, etc. among other things that he made excuses for, and I found myself trying to play it "cool" a lot. That gets tiring, and after about a month it was undeniable that things weren't going anywhere in his mind, so I dumped him. I actually have some pretty funny posts about it. Yesterday New Beau took me and my golden over to his brother's for a cookout and I met his sis-in-law and new nephew. Turns out the guy can cook, too. We had fun going through old photo albums and playing with the dogs. At one point he and his brother left to help a pregnant neighbor with something and get ice cream for us. His sis-in-law took that opportunity to tell me just how wonderful she thought he was. It was great to see him interact with his family. You are all very right that people are on their best behavior especially in the beginning and I've dated enough over the past year or so to know that things are not always what they seem. I've also made my share of mistakes, but I've also learned a a lot and am continuing to learn. We are taking our time but thus far, his actions continue to match up with what he says and he wants to integrate me into his life with no hesitation, and takes an active interest in mine as well, and the more I get to know him, the more I like him.
Els Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 And for those who say it should be easy, I hear you, and tend to agree, though it does take work, however you want to define work, for a relationsheip, to well, work. I agree with you in general, but a few weeks in is the pinnacle of the honeymoon phase. IME, during such a phase (lasting up to several months) with a compatible partner, it feels effortless, like gliding downhill on a bike with the wind in your hair. The 'work' tends to come later, when the honeymoon phase ends, and even then it should feel reasonable and reciprocated.
Babolat Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Dating and relationships should be easy as I've said many times. It shouldn't be work. It should not be an extension of work or school or stress of that nature. When people click, they click. No games. I've found when I play by the rules, I don't get as far with someone as I do when I don't play by the rules. The rules say only talk to someone a few times a week, but when you guys really like each other, you break the rules by talking every day and not getting tired of each other. It's interesting to me that, to get the most in terms of quantity, you have to play by the rules, but if you want quality, the person you usually end up with long term is the person you broke all the rules for. MrCastle, you are a wise man for your years and I love your posts on here; trust me though, there is some work, or whatever word one choses to use, involved in even the best relationship. Those that ignore that will fail, or feel hurt, upset, confused a lot of the time. Learning how to comunicate is HARD, very hard. Therein lies the challenge to even the best relationship. I cannot state enough, sharing how a comment, an event, how something made you feel, then your partenr listening and repeating what they heard, and I mean heard and really listening, not just memorized and repeated, is difficult to do. Feelings get hurt, there are misunderstandings, assumptions...that's where the "work" is. 2
Author Drseussgrrl Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 I agree with you in general, but a few weeks in is the pinnacle of the honeymoon phase. IME, during such a phase (lasting up to several months) with a compatible partner, it feels effortless, like gliding downhill on a bike with the wind in your hair. The 'work' tends to come later, when the honeymoon phase ends, and even then it should feel reasonable and reciprocated. Actually - the beginning phase of a relationship, especially with someone who is lukewarm about you, can be really stressful when you don't know where you stand or what the other person's intentions are. "When do we have sex?" "How often should I text?" "Should I wait to text him back?" "Why didn't he invite me out for the weekend?" "Is he dating other women? Should I continue to date others too?" So far with new dude - I haven't had to ask myself any of those things. Like I said - EASY. 4
Babolat Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 such as his reluctance to add me on FB:love: I flat out told my last gf of 12 months I did not want to be FB friends right away. I did not want to get to know her "electronically" and take posts/comments/photos on her FB page out of context. It was not because I was not into her. I have found with dating a girl will send you a FB friend request almost immediately; not my thing. 2
Imported Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 So far with new dude - I haven't had to ask myself any of those things. Like I said - EASY. How was it in the beginning phases of your relations with that doctor dude? I remember you posting about him early on the way you're posting now. Don't want to say roller coaster ride, but I just did.
Babolat Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 MrCastle, you are a wise man for your years and I love your posts on here; trust me though, there is some work, or whatever word one choses to use, involved in even the best relationship. Those that ignore that will fail, or feel hurt, upset, confused a lot of the time. Learning how to comunicate is HARD, very hard. Therein lies the challenge to even the best relationship. I cannot state enough, sharing how a comment, an event, how something made you feel, then your partenr listening and repeating what they heard, and I mean heard and really listening, not just memorized and repeated, is difficult to do. Feelings get hurt, there are misunderstandings, assumptions...that's where the "work" is. And I agree with your rules comments mostly. I think part of the "rules" are simply telling us to pay attention and go slow. For the needy, lonley and clingy folks, I think some of the rules are helpful. I have dated girls who text me none stop, want to see me every day, within the first 1-2 weeks. It was a turn off to me to whay otherwise may have been a good relationship; though my guess is their emotional issue would have come out at some point. 1
Author Drseussgrrl Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 I flat out told my last gf of 12 months I did not want to be FB friends right away. I did not want to get to know her "electronically" and take posts/comments/photos on her FB page out of context. It was not because I was not into her. I have found with dating a girl will send you a FB friend request almost immediately; not my thing. To each their own. But like I said - this was amongst other things. Such as how weird he was about my leaving even a toothbrush in his apartment. And the fact that he had two different phone chargers plugged in on "my" side of the bed. Um - I don't have an iPhone 5 LOL. Ugh - good riddance.
BluEyeL Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I flat out told my last gf of 12 months I did not want to be FB friends right away. I did not want to get to know her "electronically" and take posts/comments/photos on her FB page out of context. It was not because I was not into her. I have found with dating a girl will send you a FB friend request almost immediately; not my thing. I agree with that and told the exact same thing to the guy I'm dating now, even further, I don't want to be FB friends. Like, ever. That's complete BS and just adds problems, just annoys me.
somedude81 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Actually - the beginning phase of a relationship, especially with someone who is lukewarm about you, can be really stressful when you don't know where you stand or what the other person's intentions are. "When do we have sex?" "How often should I text?" "Should I wait to text him back?" "Why didn't he invite me out for the weekend?" "Is he dating other women? Should I continue to date others too?" So far with new dude - I haven't had to ask myself any of those things. Like I said - EASY. Why would you be in a relationship (and having sex) with somebody who is lukewarm about you?! 3
Dude420 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I agree with that and told the exact same thing to the guy I'm dating now, even further, I don't want to be FB friends. Like, ever. That's complete BS and just adds problems, just annoys me. One of the main reasons I quit facebook, all a bunch of BS drama that goes on in there. Besides, I want to keep my love life private from all my friends and family (except a few) until for sure we are committed to a relationship. I don't need my family and friends snooping around on our relationship updates or my girl's updates or whatever. 3
Author Drseussgrrl Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Why would you be in a relationship (and having sex) with somebody who is lukewarm about you?! Dude - you could ask that of nearly anyone who posts a thread in the dating section of LS.
somedude81 Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Dude - you could ask that of nearly anyone who posts a thread in the dating section of LS. Really? The only reason I could possibly see for somebody wanting to be in a relationship and having sex with somebody they feel lukewarm about is that they feel dating is very hard and they rather be with that than alone. Or they think the other person is so hot and that looks trump everything else. 2
Babolat Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 To each their own. But like I said - this was amongst other things. Such as how weird he was about my leaving even a toothbrush in his apartment. And the fact that he had two different phone chargers plugged in on "my" side of the bed. Um - I don't have an iPhone 5 LOL. Ugh - good riddance. I hear you and understand. I have not followed your prior posts here. Like others have said on this post, keep your eyes open and be careful. I personally know it's easy to see the next one, the antithesis of the prior one, as "the one" very soon. If the prior one did this, or did not do that, and the current one does, it's easy to confuse that with what feels like something good; when in fact you are subconsciously comparing them to the last. At the same time, if there are qualities you need in the new one that bothered you with the old, thats great! 2
BluEyeL Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 How many weeks are "a few weeks"? It's a difference between say 4 and 10 weeks. But mostly, great, happy for you!!!
clia Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Why would you be in a relationship (and having sex) with somebody who is lukewarm about you?! It's usually simply denial and/or a lack of experience. You ignore the pink and red flags because you really like the person. You make excuses for them. You convince yourself that he hasn't called because he's really busy or he was in a car accident. You can convince yourself of anything to justify why he's acting lukewarm rather than simply accepting that he is lukewarm. Also, sometimes when you are younger and less experienced with relationships you think that's just how relationships are supposed to be. But, once you've actually been through an effortless relationship like the one Dr. Suessgirl is describing, it makes it abundantly clear in all relationships going forward how to tell how strong the feelings are, and to pay closer attention to the red and pink flags. That's why so many of us "older" people on this site are constantly telling people to just cut bait because they are wasting their time. We've been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. 3
PutARingOnIt Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Still keep your guard up. Most men are angels in the beginning and then they let their true selves come out.
TouchedByViolet Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Still keep your guard up. Most men are angels in the beginning and then they let their true selves come out. I'm a devil in the beginning and it's my angel true self that many of the women don't care for 1
Babolat Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Still keep your guard up. Most men are angels in the beginning and then they let their true selves come out. Can I unlike this (since I am a man) ? As I am starting to focus on building friendships with women, I hear this comment often; that the man turns out to be someone they were not in the beginning. In fact my ex gf stated all of her engagements, the men were warm, nice, loving, took care of her in the beginning and then became controlling, emotionally and physically. 1
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Still keep your guard up. Most men are angels in the beginning and then they let their true selves come out. Like women don't do the same. 1
melodymatters Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I think you'd need to be pretty unobservant to not be able to gauge your guy/gals basic character and personality early on. Now if you ignore what you see...THAT'S where the trouble starts. I'm sure we've all been guilty of that one ! Good luck DrSG ! Keep us posted... 1
Babolat Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Now if you ignore what you see...THAT'S where the trouble starts. I'm sure we've all been guilty of that one ! Good luck DrSG ! Keep us posted... <--------- that would be me!
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