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Do a lot of people in LTRs and marriages seem miserable to you?

Eternal Sunshine

By Eternal Sunshine
in General Relationship Discussion

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I understand that life gets in the way and it's not all excitement and butterflies. That's why I don't understand people getting married for the sake of it. So you basically marry the person that you can barely tolerate and THEN pile on all the problems of life, relationship conflicts, kids related exhaustion.....why would anyone do that to themselves? To conform to society? Because being alone terrifies them?

 

I can say without hesitation that my happiest times were when I am single. But to be honest, I was never in a LTR with someone I was in love with. My LTRs have been with people I felt kind of compatible with, that I thought would be "good for me", so when I encountered relationship related burdens, it became suffocating. I never felt that a relationship made my life easier (in any way), quite the opposite in fact.

WisdomSeeker Member

WisdomSeeker

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I am not sure if it's just my observation.

 

Those with kids seem even worse. They always look stressed and exhausted, like the life has been sucked out of them.

 

Those without kids seem like they are going through the motions, kind of sick of each other, bored, lacking passion. Their looks go downhill steadily too.

 

Spending time around those couples makes me depressed and I feel sorry for them (ironically, they probably pity me because I am single).

 

Those that look happy are so few and far between. I would estimate under 10%.

 

I've been fortunate enough to be privy to some martial happiness, but it seems to be dependent upon what generation one belongs to. The elders in my extended family of course hail from the cluster that saw marriage as an inevitable course in life, and, from what little I see as an outsider looking in, their marriages appear to be fairly content. I see in them the kind of subdued happiness that comes from years of familiarity and shared hardship. It's also worth noting that their children are fully launched adults at this point, a factor I'm sure contributes to that sense of relaxed presence between the couples.

 

All of the younger married couples in my social circle appear dissatisfied with their marriages. They love and appreciate their spouses enough, I suppose, but there is a persistent undercurrent of "Is this it?". The fireworks of limerance have worn off, and now they have to face each other as normal, flawed human beings as opposed to the angelic beings their hormones convinced them they were. Perhaps they will one day grow into the settled calm that I see in the elders?

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I understand that life gets in the way and it's not all excitement and butterflies. That's why I don't understand people getting married for the sake of it. So you basically marry the person that you can barely tolerate and THEN pile on all the problems of life, relationship conflicts, kids related exhaustion.....why would anyone do that to themselves? To conform to society? Because being alone terrifies them?

 

I can say without hesitation that my happiest times were when I am single. But to be honest, I was never in a LTR with someone I was in love with. My LTRs have been with people I felt kind of compatible with, that I thought would be "good for me", so when I encountered relationship related burdens, it became suffocating. I never felt that a relationship made my life easier (in any way), quite the opposite in fact.

 

If everybody refused to settle for less than constant rainbows and butterflies out of a movie nobody would get into a relationship. Nothing in life is like that so why do anything?

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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We people these days who genuinely expect life to be like a movie or some romantic hallmark commercial and when it's not like that they feel they settled. I was never like that so I never had those notions of what a relationship should be. My marriage is not a romantic love song 24/7 but then again that doesn't exist in real life anyway. I am not advocating people genuinely settle but if you want a happy relationship keep your standards within the realm of reality.

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thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

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Let me add something else to this discussion...And it might explain some of the dissention....Social media and acciessibility has placed the whole world in a state of potential GIGS.....

 

I am old enough to remember when only NASA had a computer, you got up and changed the channel to the TV, and the phone had a dial on it...

 

Now you have Facebook, Twitter and all other forms of connecting with others that never existed a short time ago..All it takes is a simple message from an old flame to start the ball rolling towards an affair, divorce, etc...Just take a look at the Infidelty and OW/OM sections..They are chock full of stories I just mentioned. Even if the person never acts on it, they start to look at their current SO as yesterdays news-comparing them unfavorably with the new interest..

 

We didnt have all this just 20 years ago...So this is a relatively new phenomenon..People are weak, and they will succumb to temptation. When none of this existed, then you never had that "carrot on a string" to make you feel like you werent living life to its fullest...

 

TFY

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Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

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A few years back I felt like you, OP.

 

There is a couple I know who've been together since 18, have a fab career, 4 young kids and a lovely home between them. They were THE couple.

 

That's when we were young, broke and in relationships we felt we couldn't leave.

 

Fast forward a few years. We've all grown up. We've all (bar one of us) moved away from unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships. We have careers, families. We know where we are and where we want to get to. And we're determined to enjoy life. All the people (single people and couples) in our circle are varying degrees of happy, to my knowledge. Some have fertility or money issues, or their teen is struggling with bullying etc etc. But their foundation is strong and happy. :)

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Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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We people these days who genuinely expect life to be like a movie or some romantic hallmark commercial and when it's not like that they feel they settled. I was never like that so I never had those notions of what a relationship should be. My marriage is not a romantic love song 24/7 but then again that doesn't exist in real life anyway. I am not advocating people genuinely settle but if you want a happy relationship keep your standards within the realm of reality.

 

For what it's worth Woggle, from your posts it doesn't sound like you or your W settled at all.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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For what it's worth Woggle, from your posts it doesn't sound like you or your W settled at all.

 

We didn't settled at all but we are not the types to get bored during those uneventful and calm periods either. That is part of life no matter what path you choose.

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