jenn78 Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Hi my boyfriend of a year and a bit recently broke-up. He had kept how he was feeling smothered (I also felt smothered at times to but we didn’t communicate this properly) and our relationship lacked the conversation piece because I am a quieter person. He said he felt pressured in social situations because I wouldn’t be the most outgoing person. This is something i have tried to work on before i even started dating him. We had some very long therapeutic chats (which we should have done when we were dating) since the break up but he has decided he needs to do some more soul-searching because he needs to learn more about himself. He started to see a therapist a few weeks ago and they have addressed some of the areas he needs to discover about himself. He said the majority of him wanted to “try again” but he can’t be in a relationship while learning more about himself. He is working on some other issues he has within himself and needs to figure out. I’m incredibly heartbroken and discouraged by the fact we aren’t allowing ourselves the chance to try again. I do realized he needs to figure himself out before he can date anyone again… We have cut off communication... until we saw each other a couple days ago. I starting to do so well until i saw him... He called my name and we talked for about 20 minutes. We talked about what is going on in each others lives and how the other person was doing. It seems like he hasn’t been doing much except hiding from the world a bit and not going out. He said it sucks that exes can’t be friends and maybe one day we can go to the same place and both be able to stay there. I texted after we said goodbye saying I was not ready to see him and he agreed and he said he went straight home and cried a bit. We both agreed us not being together is a good thing (I said right now but i’m not sure how he feels) and we both said we miss each other and that life sucks and that us being apart is hard…etc I texted him the next morning saying I wish he had just let me keep walking pass him because i didn't see him when i was walked by…. he hasn’t texted me back. What do i do? He seemed like he was still pretty sad about us breaking up and i think he is still working through his own issues with the counsellor.... do i ask if he is happy with his decision for us to not be together? We've been broken up for about a month. I'm so lost. It's hard for me to completely let go when I don't know if he wasn't fully satisfied in our relationship or if he just needs more time to figure himself out. During our chats he said how wonderful I was and that he doesn't want to not have me in his life and if we break up now and he comes back in a year what happens if i'm not available anymore... then he said the crappy thing "who knows what the future holds." what the heck do I do? It would be nice to hear a male perspective on my situation.
AllTooWell Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 He hasn't texted you back. You don't do anything. As another poster on this forum has said "what you chase, runs." If he feels like he's made a mistake he is going to come out and tell you. It doesn't matter if he's going to realize this in a month, or a year. Either way you shouldn't be waiting for him. You should be trying to move on and get your act together, REGARDLESS of what his plan is. He ended things. If he comes back in a year and you're not available, well that's a risk he is willing to take by ending things with you.
aloneinaz Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Ok, I'm a guy. I don't want to hurt your feelings but he's clearly not sure how he feels about you. When I'm in love with my girl, there's no F'ing way I'm breaking up with her, risking her going out with someone else and possibly losing her forever. You don't kick people to the curb even when you're life has hit a rough patch. I want my significant other there to be by myside, supporting me, holding me and telling me everything will work out fine. I just think the old line "he's just not that into me" applies. My ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago while I was going thru several rough patches in my life. She's just a selfish bitch and she'll never hear from me again. EVER.. For your well being, you need to simply go NC with him and move on. It gets easier and easier, each day/week/month that passes. Work on yourself and improve in areas you know that need it. Date when you're able to. Don't sit at homes for months crying over someone who told you they don't want you in their life anymore! Dating has helped me tremendously. 1
xilver Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Whatever you do don't overreact and don't over think it. Also don't worry about going nc. That is an easy way out. Don't run away from your fears, face them head on, it will make you stronger in the long run. If you feeling like asking him something then I suggest you do it. What you chase may run so the solution is simple, run faster and catch what you are chasing because the fact is you don't know what he is thinking or what he will do. Two things I noticed. You said that you weren't ready to see him, and you wished he hadn't stopped you on the street. That sounds kind of mean. I know it is honest but he was hurt by that. I'm sure he feels like because of what you told him that it is better to leave you alone. I'm sure he will get over it and his feelings for you will cause him to again pursue you at some point. Even though it doesn't seem like he is pursuing you, he is. He didn't have to stop you on the street. Why can't you be together while he gets help. Maybe you could go to counseling with him? Did you ask him if that would help? I know people are going to come on here and tell you to never talk to him again and you need to think of your happiness, blah blah blah where is that going to get you? On to the next rel eventually and a huge void. The only way I would recommend NC to you is if YOU have already decided you don't want him and it hurts too much to still know him.
Author jenn78 Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 thanks for all your response.. @Xilver you are one of the first people who have said to contact him. i know what i said may have hurt him but i wanted him to know i'm surviving without him and he really hurt me... i was so cautious/aware of his feelings during our breakup. you think he still cares? I don't know if i should ask him if he thinks it was the right decision for us to break up because he still needs time on his own to figure his stuff out or if he just wasn't genuinely satisfied in our relationship...
xilver Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 thanks for all your response.. @Xilver you are one of the first people who have said to contact him. i know what i said may have hurt him but i wanted him to know i'm surviving without him and he really hurt me... i was so cautious/aware of his feelings during our breakup. you think he still cares? I don't know if i should ask him if he thinks it was the right decision for us to break up because he still needs time on his own to figure his stuff out or if he just wasn't genuinely satisfied in our relationship... I say that because I don't like to regret things later. People who make themselves most vulnerable are the happiest in life. If you love him you have nothing to lose pursuing an answer to your question. Maybe the timing isn't right because he doesn't even know the answer but to me yes he still cares about you even if he doesn't contact you. He is seeing a therapist, he may misinterpret your interactions, he doesn't know what you are doing. He may feel insecure and that you are happier without him.
Author jenn78 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 So I contacted him the other day. I asked him if he was content/satisfied with his choice and if he thought it was because of our differences or because he need to do some 'soul-searching'. He replied saying he obviously isn't happy with his decision but he thinks he did the right thing. SO i guess i got my answer.
xilver Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 So I contacted him the other day. I asked him if he was content/satisfied with his choice and if he thought it was because of our differences or because he need to do some 'soul-searching'. He replied saying he obviously isn't happy with his decision but he thinks he did the right thing. SO i guess i got my answer. Yeah it sounds that way. Nothing more you can really do at this point with him. It's his loss and something he will have to live with. At least you know you did all you could.
aloneinaz Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 So I contacted him the other day. I asked him if he was content/satisfied with his choice and if he thought it was because of our differences or because he need to do some 'soul-searching'. He replied saying he obviously isn't happy with his decision but he thinks he did the right thing. SO i guess i got my answer. Sorry, but most people would not of agreed with contacting him. He dumped you and all you did was (and got) he reinforcing that he feels he made the right choice. You also stroked his ego by him knowing you're still hung up on him. PLEASE go NC to help you get over him and move on w/you life.
xilver Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Sorry, but most people would not of agreed with contacting him. He dumped you and all you did was (and got) he reinforcing that he feels he made the right choice. You also stroked his ego by him knowing you're still hung up on him. PLEASE go NC to help you get over him and move on w/you life. Look it doesn't matter if his ego is stroked or whether the majority agree or not. You didn't reinforce anything with him. Many people are scared and use NC to hide from their fears. The fact is you know better than everyone else. And at this point it should be clear to you what you do next. I doubt it hurts any worse than before you contacted him. If anything the clarity helps. You should be proud of yourself for facing it head on, taking the initiative and showing strength. In the end you will be able to heal and be healthier mentally for whatever comes next.
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