howtomoveon Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Hi, I'm a long-time lurker but never had the courage to post my story. I've repressed a lot of emotions in the last couple of years, and feel like now it's all catching up with me. The back-story: my fiance/live-in partner broke our engagement four weeks before our wedding, also two weeks after we found out I was pregnant (we intentionally stopped using BC hoping for a honeymoon baby). He said he wasn't happy & wouldn't raise a child in a household where we would fight like we did. At the time, we were arguing a lot, and the last fight we had ended with him slapping me and me slapping him back; the violence is what made the decision to end things extremely solid. I asked him to give us a chance/try counseling. I desperately took all the blame for our arguments, promised anything he wanted, etc. but he never budged. I was devastated but we both wanted this baby very much and focused on its well-being. We successfully pushed any ill feelings aside to become good co-parents. From the start he has been a wonderful father, no complaints about one another, and no arguments whatsoever. Our daughter just turned two and at this point I can say we are at a good place. She has been my primary focus and her having a good relationship with her father is of utmost importance to me. Us getting along is also very important to both of us & neither of us will stoop to a level where we would argue and affect her. He says to people that we are close friends, and we are. In the back of my mind, however, a part of me remained in love with him and hoped that someday he would change his mind and give us a chance to be a family. But he has made it clear since we broke up that it is not an option. In two years, I have mentioned it two times, the last time being about a year ago. About six months ago, I met someone. Although I wasn't looking, I decided to give him a chance and we have dated casually since then. I planned to tell my ex about a new partner if things got serious/it affects our daughter in any way, but that has not happened. I like this man and enjoy once-a-week dates but that is about it. Yesterday, my ex let me know that he is seeing someone and that she has met his family. I had been the only girl who had ever met his family prior to her. It must be serious, otherwise he wouldn't have told me. He said it was very hard for him to tell me and he even choked up a bit. I told him all the right things - that I am happy for him (because I am), that if we couldn't love each other, the best way for us to be good to one another is by wishing us happiness with someone else, that I knew this day would come and it's reality and I want him to enjoy his new relationship and my main concern is how she is to our daughter. All truths. But deep down, I am devastated all over again. I've known for a long time that we will never be the happy family I wanted us to be. He will never love me the way I hoped he would, but now it's different because he loves someone else. He has a total right to it and truly I am happy for him but at the same time sad it could never be us with our daughter. He definitely waited long enough to date as did I. Also, I feel bad for not mentioning that I too have been seeing someone, although it's a different situation. Still, I plan to mention it when I see him next. My ego is also wounded at the fact she is five years younger than me, no kids, pretty and successful. In a way it's as if he gets a do-over with a younger version of me where as that is not an option for me. That's the ego talking, I know. I feel like I am back to where I was three years ago and I need to get over it. I have successfully repressed so many feelings all this time - first because I didn't want to affect my pregnancy, later because I was busy with an infant, now because I have a very demanding job and a toddler. I have done such a good job of hiding my feelings, that if I told anyone near me how upset I feel right now, they would be shocked. I do believe that everything is going to be okay, that this is just a brief difficult moment in time driven by shock. Yet I find myself drowning in sadness but unable to shed a single tear. Any suggestions would be appreciated. For brevity's sake I have left out many details, which I'd be glad to provide. Thank you for reading.
AllTooWell Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Though you may feel like you're back to square 1, you are not. You are a really strong woman. It takes absolute control and amazing love for your child to be able to do what you two are doing - I know, I am that child . My parents broke up when my mom was pregnant and tried to make it work again when I was around 6 months. I obviously have no memory of this whatsoever. It didn't work out, but despite the heartbreak that was felt on both ends, they NEVER once let me see that. I didn't know until I was much, much older that anything bad had even happened between them. They are very cordial and my father has since remarried to a woman I consider my second mother. You are simply just reaching another stage, I think. It always hurts when they get into a new relationship - regardless of how long you've been apart. It's like the final door shutting on any chance of "us" again. If you feel overwhelmed or that you've been repressing your emotions, you can try to talk to someone, a counselor, a trusted friend, and just let it all out. Sometimes it can be really difficult to constantly put other peoples needs (your exs, and your childs) in front of your own.
Philosoraptor Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 That happy family scenario set sail a long time ago. It can be more difficult moving on when you have to see someone, but it can be done. Right now your focus needn't be on this new woman, but on your own life. You have a wonderful little girl, a stable job, and you're dating some. Sounds like you're doing pretty good to me. Keep positive and look for the good things in your life. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Yes!!! Feel those feelings, process them. This is not square one, this is the next step/pave stone you need. What a blessing!
Ashlaria Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Hey there. What a sad story, but what a wonderful thing you have managed to do for your daughter. Most women would have just cut him out completely and tried to move on. You should be really proud. I just wanted to say I think it's good you didn't mention your new man because it might just have looked like game playing. He had his moment, you said it was clearly hard for him and you took the news gracefully. Really well done again on that. I am sure you have heard it before, but you should really look at the positives. You're not at square one, that was when you were pregnant, possibly being abandoned with no idea what's to come. You have forged a great relationship with your ex under extremely difficult circumstances. If a man had convinced me he wanted me to have his child and then dumped me when I got pregnant, I doubt I would have been as generous (and also that he would be physically able to produce any more lol) So you have a lovely daughter, stable relationship with her father, a good job and a man who could potentially be someone special - maybe take a look through some of the other posts and see how many people would kill for that! Sometimes a bit of perspective helps in these cases. Be kind to yourself, you deserve it. I hope all goes well for you.
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