I don't understand. :/

[Wings Of Love]

Fair warning, this will be very long. I'm so confused. My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago today, just 8 days after our 1st anniversary. He almost ended it on the Thursday but we ended up spending the night together (nothing intimate, merely sleeping beside each other) to see if he could rekindle his feelings. The next day, though he was sweet and affectionate when we first woke up, he was still confused about how he felt and decided it would be best to end the relationship instead of leading me on, in case those feelings really have gone for good. There were lots of tears from both of us (he has never cried at all in the year we've been together) but we agreed to stay in touch and meet on the following Monday. He kissed me on the lips and then the forehead before he left. When he arrived on Monday he looked so lost and confused. Even close to tears at some points. We talked and cleared up some misunderstandings - his brother and my sister are in-laws (complicated I know) and they've all been discussing our break up and twisting things that have been said which is not helping us at all. He kept offering to buy me dinner but didn't want any himself as he had some waiting at home. He had to catch a bus home and during the wait he just took me in his arms and held me. He told me that he did not want to lose touch with me, unless it's what I want.

 

On Wednesday I left the city to visit my best friend. During that time he changed his facebook profile picture. Not a big deal, his cover photo was still one of us together, but I took this as a hint from him to change all of my details. Our relationship status had not changed, he said he wouldn't change his until I was ready to change mine. But in that moment I felt he wanted me to, so I did. We spoke and arranged to meet up the following day.

 

Yesterday, he took a while to show up after work and I received no message so I began thinking he was cancelling. However I got a text eventually saying he was getting off the bus if I still wanted to meet him. We wandered around for a while, trying to find shade to escape the heat. I offered to buy him a drink and then we sat in the shade of a tree to talk. Apparently it had been said that my sister thought he was using me for letting me stay the night before we broke up (I didn't realise she even knew) and he made a point of saying he would never disrespect me like that. He reached out to hold my hand as he spoke, squeezed it and told me I meant too much for him to do that. From that point we had a good laugh together, watching some videos he found online and talking about our families and how everyone's getting on. Sitting there, knee-to-knee with him, I was happy and it felt like things were normal between us again.

 

He explained that he was late to meet me because he had applied for a new job. It's within the same company he's in now, but with more hours and mostly night shifts. He went on to tell me all about how much he's been working out lately. He is playing basketball every chance he gets, and doing push-ups whenever he misses a shot. And yesterday evening he had arranged to have his first driving lesson. I took this opportunity to inform him of all of my plans for the next few weeks. Recently I got a job after a long time of searching and payday was today. I told him that I planned to finally get myself a provisional licence (I never bothered with ID before as I don't drink and never had any interest in clubbing), get myself a new bed (it's from the company he works for and he's insisting on getting me a discount when I do) and update my wardrobe as I've never had the chance to buy myself much before now. He was pleased for me. Eventually he had to leave as his driving instructor was collecting him from home. As we waited for the bus, he hugged me. At first it was light and seemed entirely platonic. But then he suddenly clutched me tighter and pulled me closer. I buried my face in his shoulder and we held that position for a few moments. The bus arrived then and he held my hand as he waited for the other passengers to get on. When he was up next he slowly pulled his fingers from mine while smiling at me, and promised he would talk to me later. I walked home from there.

 

I did send him a text when I got home just to wish him luck with his lesson and tell him he'd be great. He thanked me but said he wasn't sure he'd do well. I told him not to worry and left him to it. That was 4pm yesterday afternoon and I haven't heard a word from him since. He was online a lot after that, but said nothing. I didn't get the usual goodnight text, I've not heard anything today either, despite seeing him online again a few times. I've now turned my phone off simply so I don't keep watching it. He has the whole day off so work isn't keeping him busy. When he left yesterday I felt so hopeful, like everything would be fine. He seemed happy to be with me, and the light touches and lingering looks just seemed to mean something. And now here I am, just over 24 hours later wondering what on earth is causing him to go silent. I refuse to contact him first, he knows how I feel about that. But waiting is bothering me, especially as I have literally nothing to do to occupy my mind.

 

I know almost everyone will insist on NC. I can't do that, not yet. Yes perhaps I am being ridiculous but it doesn't feel right. Perhaps his silence is leading to that anyway, in which case I will just accept it. But he assured me that he doesn't want that. He is working on himself right now, trying to rid himself of the confusion he feels and to see if those feelings for me are still inside. If he's taking this time to think more about it then of course I understand. But I can't help feeling a little upset that I've not heard anything at all after the way he was with me yesterday. Sorry for the length, I guess I just needed to vent.

[Philosoraptor]

Oftentimes the dumper pulls away slowly in order to get over the relatonship easier. The dumpee stays hopeful that they will come back only to be told it's over for good. Don't be blindsided if this happens, nor if he suddenly has a new partner not long after that as he was able to fill the gap with you.

 

I'm not saying this is what will happen, but you see it way too often and right now you need to be protecting yourself and starting the process of moving on and being single... which you are.

[Wings Of Love]

It just doesn't make sense to me, this isn't like him. I'm probably being completely irrational but I'm starting to fear that he has arranged to meet someone today, a new girl. He insisted that he's hurting too much to even consider seeing anyone else, he even went so far as to say he didn't want anyone but me. And I've spoken to his sister and sister-in-law (both contacted me to ask how I'm doing), they both encouraged me to at least stay friends with him, and when I expressed my fears that I would be devastated if he met someone else they assured me they didn't think he'd find anyone else for a long time. But a lot can change in a week it seems.

 

Fortunately I have work to distract me tomorrow, but right afterwards I'm going to my nephew's 4th birthday party and will have to face his brother and sister-in-law, which is going to be difficult enough anyway, but worse if I don't hear from him before then. I can just see a long afternoon filled with tears tomorrow.

[Wings Of Love]

Well it has been 3 days now and still not a word from him. I saw his brother and sister-in-law at my nephew's birthday party yesterday afternoon. They're usually very chatty with me, but his brother asked if I was ok, then didn't speak to me again and his sister-in-law ignored me completely. I caught both of them watching me closely on several occasions though.

 

For some reason I just can't shake the idea that he has met someone. It would explain the sudden silence and might also explain why his brother and sister-in-law were unusually quiet with me. He's still logging into Facebook everyday and occasionally posts songs or funny pictures/videos he likes. I've been posting too, and aiming to keep everything I say upbeat so as not show that this is hurting me.

 

Honestly, I'm now just waiting for him to either delete me or change his status to In a Relationship again. Whichever comes first. -sigh-

[scorpio1978]

Delete him first. You are torturing yourself waiting for something bad to happen (him changing his status) instead of something good like you moving on and feeling better. You are also making things up in your mind to explain certain behavior of his when you have no evidence of that at all. It's a torturous, dangerous road you are on because you will only be hurt in the long run either way you look at it. He will change his status to "single" soon which will feel like a slap in the face even though you know it's over. Or, he will be "in a relationship" which will hurt even more. Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

Also, being friends with him is the worst idea in the world. You would do that to keep him in your life in some way just so you still have that connection or in hopes he will rekindle the relationship. I have said this numerous times before but they key to there being any hope what-so-ever of you ever having what you want from this man is to disappear and let him miss you. Let him think about you and have time to process everything. I am not saying that he will or that there is hope, but IF there was any, he needs to come to that conclusion on his own.

 

Let him hear about how great you're doing and how happy you are from the in-laws. Don't be the one there in his face trying to be a friend when your intentions are for more than that. You are setting yourself up for big-time failure.

 

Walk away gracefully and with dignity and let him come around when/if he is ready to. Being his "friend" when you're not ready is a disaster.

[Wings Of Love]

Three days of silence. Might not seem like much, but we've never gone a single day without talking since we met in June last year.

 

He didn't say much. Here it is:

"Hey there, are you ok? Had a good payday/weekend? xx"

 

I hate that he's gone down to two kisses. Yes I'm aware that it's pathetic to care about that, it's just a text after all. But the usual xxxxx<3xxxxx at the end seems to be gone. That's new, he was still sending them as recently as Thursday. His message was sent twenty minutes after he finished work, but I've had my phone switched off all afternoon, so I got it at 7. I did reply (usual kisses from me) but now he's taking ages again. Starting to think I should've let him sweat for a while. Ugh.

 

Literally nothing makes sense to me here. How can you fall out of love with someone over silly things that were said? The words that scared him were ridiculous, I did not mean them and I thought he was aware that they were said simply because I was having a very bad week and wasn't thinking straight. We all do it, even he himself has done so. This just makes me think he's either making excuses and he never really loved me at all, or he's a deeply confused and somewhat immature individual.

 

Such a mess. If he and I don't solve things, I hope I will find someone who truly loves and accepts me. Emotions, flaws and all.

[TaraMaiden]

You're broken up.

You should have gone NC.

 

If you DID go NC, then he didn't break it, you did, by replying.

 

If you're broken up, you should have blocked, deleted and ignored.

 

What's the problem here, again.....?

[Wings Of Love]

If you have read my previous posts, you will know that NC does not feel right yet. That is my choice. I have been through a breakup before, NC did little for me then anyway. It has been a mere 9 days since the end, I am not ready to completely cut someone who meant the world to me out of my life.

 

Am I prolonging my pain? Probably. But again, that is MY choice and I did not ask for opinions on whether I should or should not speak to him. I am here to vent, pure and simple.

[TaraMaiden]

If you have read my previous posts, you will know that NC does not feel right yet. That is my choice.

 

You have no choice.

Whatever you are ready, or NOT ready to do, HE - dumped YOU.

The decision about whether or not it feels right, is immaterial.

 

'Right' isn't always 'best'.

 

 

Now, all he's doing is throwing you breadcrumbs.

 

These are designed to appease his guilt, not make you feel better.

[Wings Of Love]

<Similar threads merged by moderation>

 

First, let me start by saying I don't need any lectures. I'm aware that very few will agree with my course of action, but I'm not here to talk about that. Just to get some things off my chest, perhaps get some unbiased opinions on why he's being like this.

 

So as of today, he left 15 days ago. It's hard to believe, seems like so much longer. I last saw him on the 18th, during which time he was still acting as though he loved me. As he left he said he'd talk to me later. Well, apart from two texts last Sunday, I have heard nothing. Those texts were just asking how I am, telling me he was having a BBQ with his family. No response when I asked if he was enjoying himself.

 

I was a little hurt - very selfish of me considering the circumstances - to discover that he had contacted my mother to wish my sister well after she was taken into hospital last night. She has been treated for appendicitis, something he also had years ago. This is lovely of him of course, but for someone who is worried that my family hate him (they don't), he seems more comfortable talking to them than he does talking to me. And us staying in touch was HIS idea.

 

So why is he doing this? He assured me he was still considering us, but I'm not sure if that's still the case. He also thinks that because of this, he doesn't deserve me and wouldn't tell me even if he did change his mind. Confusing. I have some theories, but honestly I just don't know what to think.

 

Theory One: That meeting on the 18th was actually goodbye for him, but he didn't want things to end on a sad note, so he lied about contacting me later.

 

Theory Two: He has met someone new, so staying in touch with me doesn't seem necessary any more.

 

Theory Three: He's taking some time away from me to seriously think about us and sort out all the confusion in his head, something he probably couldn't do when he was texting me all the time.

 

Theory Four: Because of this idea of his that he doesn't deserve me, he's removing himself from the picture so I can find someone better, despite how he may feel. Ridiculous if this is the case, he didn't do anything wrong.

 

Theory Five: He's not really considering us, he doesn't care any more and he's done with me.

 

Whatever his reasons are, I am happy to report that I'm a lot stronger than I ever believed. I hit rock bottom during my last break up and managed to claw myself out. This time - though I still feel as though part of me is missing - I'm doing so much better. I just miss him today. I'd appreciate some opinions, do any of my theories seem likely?

Edited July 28, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jesse93]

whatever his reasoning may be i think you just need to take the time to push forward, and start to worry about yourself and not him. if he wants to talk to you he will message you and he will reach out to you, but for now i don't think that you should be focusing so much on him and just try to keep pushing forward with your life it seems like hes trying to let go to be honest maybe its best you let go too.

[Quest4_TheLost]

All of your theories are possibilities.. No one can tell you what is really going on in his mind. It seems to me the hardest part in a break up is the obsessive thoughts of what the other person is doing or thinking. That is the number one thing that plays on the mind over and over again.

 

I will say though if someone isn't answering your simple texts when your asking if he is enjoying himself its obvious he is giving you the cold shoulder.

Its a really crappy thing to do, to tell someone that they want to keep in touch and give them the cold shoulder. It also sounds like a game to me.

 

He will stay in touch with your family who he believes doesn't even like him. But won't keep a conversation with you in txts. It almost sounds like he wants to keep you guessing. Perhaps even chase him.. Some people enjoy that sort of thing..

[Wings Of Love]

He has just contacted my mum on Facebook asking first about my sister and then how I'm doing. :/ Apparently he doesn't care enough to ask me himself then. -sigh-

[Quest4_TheLost]

He obviously cares or he wouldn't be asking anything about you to anyone.

I don't know the history of what's going on, but for whatever reason he doesn't feel comfortable coming to you. All you can really do is what the first poster said and that is to push forward and move on.