lovesick1 Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Gonna try and make this concise and clean as possible Backstory- long distance ex and I had broken up 3 times over 3 years, the fourth time was last August where she dropped off the earth on me and eventually confessed she met someone else. Current Story- This past March I met this girl, 21, me 23. I found her attractive and for the most part would say she was my type. I made it my goal to get to know her. So over the course of a few weeks I began texting her, talking to her when our mutual friends hung out, etc. The times we did talk in person weren't exactly the easiest- by that I mean, we couldn't really start up a conversation unless we were drunk. So after several of these drunk hang outs we got more comfortable with one another, and started hanging out a little sober. It took a while for the conversations to flow smoothly, but eventually they did. We had sex after a couple weeks of knowing each other (per her request), but it was nothing special. Over time the frequency of hangouts increased and the sex slowly picked up as well. About a month after meeting her I asked her to be my girlfriend and shazzam. She was ecstatic. Now here is the problem, or at least what I consider one. There was never any real spark or any chemistry. The only butterflies I got were when I was trying to get her to latch on. Guys you know what I mean- when you first are trying for a girl's attention. Once she did latch, that faded immediately. I like her, and I like spending time with her, and I think she is gorgeous, but in all she doesn't compare to my ex on the chemistry. The kissing is perhaps the worst. I don't enjoy kissing her, I hate how she does it and have even tried talking to her about how we could change it. We both tried and made some changes which helped, but still is just "meh". With my ex I have never laughed as much, gotten frustrated or as mad, or been absolutely head over heels as much. We could kiss until our lips fell off. The relationship was somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster but was very passionate and we latched onto each other very hard. While my current gf is about 70% my type my ex was 100% my type. Now here is the flip-side. With my current girlfriend, I have never been in a relationship with as much respect, lack of jealously, honesty, and loyalty ever. We spend almost every night together, have good sex, and genuinely enjoy each others company. However, the past week straight, and I mean every night, I have had dreams about my ex in some form of another. Almost all of them revolve around us reuniting, making out, or even just talking as friends since we always did that so easily. It is becoming a serious distraction and I can't help myself stalking her facebook and thinking about her. I know going back to her is not an option, at least not right now, and I don't want to mess up what I have going now. Here is the ultimate question- Is this lack of chemistry I feel toward my current girlfriend going to negatively impact our future? Or is the grown up, high maturity level of the relationship/lack of passion, just something I should expect as I age/get closer to marriage? There is no way I would last in a marriage with my ex because of the immaturity (at least that's how it used to be). But I am worried this lack of chemistry with my new girlfriend will eventually crumble the relationship. Looking for answers from the long-term relationship'ers here
Philosoraptor Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 In my experience chemistry and passion isn't something you can learn, it's either there with someone or not. You need to decide if you can live with this lack of passion or not. But passion just doesn't disappear because you mature. You can have both incredible passion and both maturity and respect in a relationship. 1
Author lovesick1 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 In my experience chemistry and passion isn't something you can learn, it's either there with someone or not. You need to decide if you can live with this lack of passion or not. But passion just doesn't disappear because you mature. You can have both incredible passion and both maturity and respect in a relationship. That's exactly what I have been thinking too. It was the same way for one of my past relationship's as well. I guess there are a couple things stopping me from ending it. 1- I don't want to be alone again, I was miserable for about 5 months after my ex left me. 2- I don't want to throw away such a mature relationship and regret that decision when I can't meet someone who is as mature. It feels like I'd be taking a huge gamble dropping this girl to try and meet someone I have more chemistry with but who also is as mature and grown up.
StayBeautiful Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 If you're only waiting for that kind of high octane thing, you'll probably never have a decent long term relationship. I'm not saying strong chemistry can't be there - and to be honest, it doesn't sound like you have a great deal of regular chemistry with this girl - just that what you describe is something I've only experienced once in my life. And I'm 41. There's a danger that, like me, you'll forever be chasing a feeling if you think that's the norm. 1
Philosoraptor Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 That's exactly what I have been thinking too. It was the same way for one of my past relationship's as well. I guess there are a couple things stopping me from ending it. 1- I don't want to be alone again, I was miserable for about 5 months after my ex left me. 2- I don't want to throw away such a mature relationship and regret that decision when I can't meet someone who is as mature. It feels like I'd be taking a huge gamble dropping this girl to try and meet someone I have more chemistry with but who also is as mature and grown up. That is a choice only you can make. You shouldn't stay with someone out of fear of being alone or that you can't do better. You should stay with someone because you are fully satisified being in a relationship with them. I ended a mature safe relationship over a year ago because I lacked that magic spark and passion for them. I then went on to meet someone that I have that magic with along with the maturity and trust. Leaving will always be a risk, but the only one who can make that decision is you. 4
Author lovesick1 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 That is a choice only you can make. You shouldn't stay with someone out of fear of being alone or that you can't do better. You should stay with someone because you are fully satisified being in a relationship with them. I ended a mature safe relationship over a year ago because I lacked that magic spark and passion for them. I then went on to meet someone that I have that magic with along with the maturity and trust. Leaving will always be a risk, but the only one who can make that decision is you. I feel that thoughts of the ex are detracting from my relationship right now and making it seem worse than it is. I'd have to think through it more before calling it off. I just got a new job so hopefully that will take my thoughts off the past for a while. On another note, not long ago I texted my ex wishing her a happy birthday, she responded cheerfully. A couple weeks later, she texts asking if we can be friends again... I asked her why and she said she thought it was dumb we aren't friends. I shut her down for two reasons. One I didn't want my new relationship getting complicated by the ex (this is what I told her), 2- I wanted to get back at my her for hurting me (left that part out). She seemed put off that I said no and I haven't spoken to her since. Does this mean anything? Is it just coincidental that she asked me if we could be friends literally a few days after my relationship with this new girl became official? (She would have seen this via facebook) The fact that the text came only a few days after that news was made public sends up flags to me that she doesn't like that/still has feelings for me, even if she has a new guy in her life. Thoughts?
Drseussgrrl Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 It's not fair to your current gf that you still harbor secret feelings for your ex and constantly compare her and feel she comes up short. This would make me feel like sh*t. 5
Phantom888 Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 If you don't feel it, why continue? It's not fair for her. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 You are not ready, not over your ex and using this new girl.
Author lovesick1 Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 You are not ready, not over your ex and using this new girl. Well what the hell am I supposed to do? I spent half a year putting myself out there, chasing girls, getting action, hanging out with friends. I am always going to think about my ex. The only way I can see me getting over her is having her or someone that takes her place. I figured trying a new relationship was the right thing and we are both happy, I just find myself thinking about my ex a lot since the current girl doesn't live up to the level of passion
Author lovesick1 Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 If you don't feel it, why continue? It's not fair for her. Because everything else is there, every aspect of a good, healthy relationship. And it isn't that the passion is totally absent, it just isn't near the level as what I expected based on my last relationship, which is why I have been having these thoughts/made this thread.
Axee Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 This relationship will eventually crumble. You wouldnt be dreaming about your ex and post it here. Next, The more time you spend with this girl you are losing time to find someone whom you really like and she to find someone who likes her as well. Chemistry is important but make sure the chemistry is really because of the "personality " and not because its "the trill of the chase ","emotional roller coasters etc" But at 23, your are having good insights, when I was 23, all I wanted as chemistry which was thirl of the chase .now at 28 I am much more matured 2
Adele0908 Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 I think you two are spending too much time together. Too much, too soon can lead to burnout.
Adele0908 Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 Well what the hell am I supposed to do? I spent half a year putting myself out there, chasing girls, getting action, hanging out with friends. I am always going to think about my ex. The only way I can see me getting over her is having her or someone that takes her place. I figured trying a new relationship was the right thing and we are both happy, I just find myself thinking about my ex a lot since the current girl doesn't live up to the level of passion The mistake is looking for a new girl to fill the void and make you happy. You tried it and now you see that external things can never fulfill you or validate you. Instead of looking for a person to make you happy, try being happy on your own.
TheGuard13 Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 I wouldn't put too much stock in dreams in deciding what you want. Sometimes they don't mean what you think they do. If you're happy with the new girl, you're happy. If you're not, you're not.
Author lovesick1 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 The mistake is looking for a new girl to fill the void and make you happy. You tried it and now you see that external things can never fulfill you or validate you. Instead of looking for a person to make you happy, try being happy on your own. But I wasn't happy alone. I spent 8 months alone and even surrounding myself with friends I still missed my ex desperately. I started forcing myself to take interest in other girls and now I am dating one of them that caught my eye. She is great in every way possible, but there is just something missing... If my ex never existed, I wouldn't say anything is missing. I don't know how to explain it. It's like when people say, she is perfect she just isn't the one. Perfect on paper- supportive, loving, attractive, fun, super smart, makes bookoos of money. But in reality, I still see myself with the ex, despite all the fighting and ups and downs. I think most would find my current girlfriend more attractive, yet I still feel way more drawn to the ex. We recently became fb friends again. I may just casually see how she is doing.
Joaquin Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Youve answered yr question. the thing missing is that the girl isnt yr ex, who is still very much on yr mind. I get u have yr needs and dont wanna be alone but it seems unfair to the new girl.
Emilia Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 Backstory- long distance ex and I had broken up 3 times over 3 years, the fourth time was last August where she dropped off the earth on me and eventually confessed she met someone else. ............ Now here is the problem, or at least what I consider one. There was never any real spark or any chemistry. The only butterflies I got were when I was trying to get her to latch on. Guys you know what I mean- when you first are trying for a girl's attention. Once she did latch, that faded immediately. I like her, and I like spending time with her, and I think she is gorgeous, but in all she doesn't compare to my ex on the chemistry. The kissing is perhaps the worst. I don't enjoy kissing her, I hate how she does it and have even tried talking to her about how we could change it. We both tried and made some changes which helped, but still is just "meh". With my ex I have never laughed as much, gotten frustrated or as mad, or been absolutely head over heels as much. We could kiss until our lips fell off. The relationship was somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster but was very passionate and we latched onto each other very hard. While my current gf is about 70% my type my ex was 100% my type. You can like someone very much and not be sexually attracted to them on a major level. Would you say though that it was the drama that hooked you in your previous relationship?
Author lovesick1 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) Youve answered yr question. the thing missing is that the girl isnt yr ex, who is still very much on yr mind. I get u have yr needs and dont wanna be alone but it seems unfair to the new girl. I know it is unfair, but so is life. I am not going to throw away a relationship before I know whether or not the ex ever thinks about us dating again. I know I am only 23, well, 24 in 2 months, and you are probably right Priss, I would just think that after a year has gone by in which I've been with 3 different girls, single for half the time, and figuring out what I want out of life that I would have stopped thinking about the ex. I wanna see if she feels the same way. This would be a funny coincidence, both her parents were in this same situation and ran off with each other and are still together to this day, happy as can be. Edited August 13, 2013 by lovesick1
ses Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 She deserves much more than your half-assed effort. You're clearly not over your ex; it would behoove you to end the relationship and be solo. There's absolutely nothing wrong with working on yourself. Yes, being alone can make you lose some perspective, but your girlfriend deserves a partner who's fully invested in the relationship. You're going to be in a world of hurt if you continue with these mindless comparisons. You should either accept and love her as she is, or find someone else who gives you that spark. Sizzling passion can burn out quickly so really think things through. 1
Author lovesick1 Posted August 13, 2013 Author Posted August 13, 2013 You can like someone very much and not be sexually attracted to them on a major level. Would you say though that it was the drama that hooked you in your previous relationship? No, I hated the drama. The hook was the ease of loving each other, the laughter, passion, and fun. We were best friends. As I said, 100% sexually compatible, personalities/thought process matched up perfect. Worldviews were a little different, but that's it. 1
RogerWallace111 Posted August 13, 2013 Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) Your situation pretty well demonstrates what I consider the tragic part of love & life as a lover. While one level, life goes on and everything's "alright", on another, it's all pretty deeply f*cked. So I feel for you. All the talk like you're an ******* for continuing your current relationship is pretty stupid. You're clearly a thoughtful dude & not out to hurt anyone. I've been single for nearly a year, and have had to nip a couple fledgling "relationships" in the bud, as tempting as it might have been to get over the loneliness, etc. In fact I consider myself lucky to have not found a girl I'm as compatible with as you with yours, because like you I wouldn't have been able to turn it down. And then I'd be in the same predicament. I don't entertain any thoughts of rekindling sh*t with my ex, but I do still find myself missing her at times and never go too long without dreaming about her. Our relationship seems about like yours with your ex- pretty rocky/dramatic but with intense passion, magnetism & chemistry. And honestly I've anticipated/feared the possibility of ending up in a situation like yours. Getting into a comfortable new relationship & developing a bond with someone who I'm not fully thrilled about doing so with. Anyway, I don't blame you for trying to ride the current thing out and give it a shot, but I've gotta echo the advice of others on here and recommend breaking off your current thing. Not just for her sake, but for your own. That's the bitchass thing- if you want that serious spark and it's not there, you need to bite the bullet & endure the loneliness in the interim . Edited August 13, 2013 by RogerWallace111
hoping2heal Posted August 14, 2013 Posted August 14, 2013 Because everything else is there, every aspect of a good, healthy relationship. And it isn't that the passion is totally absent, it just isn't near the level as what I expected based on my last relationship, which is why I have been having these thoughts/made this thread. Um, are you on crack? Crack is whack. What kind of whackity crackity crack are you on that you think you two have a good and healthy relationship? The whole thing is more or less a lie. You're hung up on your ex, you can't move forward with new girl because you're still hung up on your ex. Does new girl even know about your ex? Because if not, that just adds to the melodrama. You are sitting there holding all of the cards and not being very honest about what's in your hand with your new girlfriend and what's in your hand is alot of hurtful and sneaky ****e, yet you think you are in a healthy relationship? Oh brother:rolleyes:
Author lovesick1 Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Um, are you on crack? Crack is whack. What kind of whackity crackity crack are you on that you think you two have a good and healthy relationship? The whole thing is more or less a lie. You're hung up on your ex, you can't move forward with new girl because you're still hung up on your ex. Does new girl even know about your ex? Because if not, that just adds to the melodrama. You are sitting there holding all of the cards and not being very honest about what's in your hand with your new girlfriend and what's in your hand is alot of hurtful and sneaky ****e, yet you think you are in a healthy relationship? Oh brother:rolleyes: Yeah, aside from that I do. I know what you mean tho. The relationship started as I described it. Extremely open and honest and genuine. But since the thoughts of my ex have recently, in the last couple weeks, popped up it is less so-- honestly how do you tell your girlfriend the thing that is on your mind is your ex-girlfriend? The whole thing is far from a lie- I don't think you understand the situation... 1
Author lovesick1 Posted August 15, 2013 Author Posted August 15, 2013 Your situation pretty well demonstrates what I consider the tragic part of love & life as a lover. While one level, life goes on and everything's "alright", on another, it's all pretty deeply f*cked. So I feel for you. All the talk like you're an ******* for continuing your current relationship is pretty stupid. You're clearly a thoughtful dude & not out to hurt anyone. I've been single for nearly a year, and have had to nip a couple fledgling "relationships" in the bud, as tempting as it might have been to get over the loneliness, etc. In fact I consider myself lucky to have not found a girl I'm as compatible with as you with yours, because like you I wouldn't have been able to turn it down. And then I'd be in the same predicament. I don't entertain any thoughts of rekindling sh*t with my ex, but I do still find myself missing her at times and never go too long without dreaming about her. Our relationship seems about like yours with your ex- pretty rocky/dramatic but with intense passion, magnetism & chemistry. And honestly I've anticipated/feared the possibility of ending up in a situation like yours. Getting into a comfortable new relationship & developing a bond with someone who I'm not fully thrilled about doing so with. Anyway, I don't blame you for trying to ride the current thing out and give it a shot, but I've gotta echo the advice of others on here and recommend breaking off your current thing. Not just for her sake, but for your own. That's the bitchass thing- if you want that serious spark and it's not there, you need to bite the bullet & endure the loneliness in the interim . Thanks for understanding. I am the kind of person who overthinks things too long and delays making a decision- I am sure a lot of what I am doing is as someone said earlier "making mindless comparisons." But there is no denying the chemistry wasn't really there to begin with. And I feel that's not an issue IF I can let the relationship continue to grow normally. But if I continue what I am doing and toil over the fact that there is some missing chemistry I know I will eventually sabotage the relationship to the ground. I read somewhere that you sometimes need to let love grow instead of expecting it to be there right out of the gate- so I am still trying to do that and see if the thing with my girlfriend I have now can grow into something much better
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