Is separation the answer?

[ShouldIMoveOn]

Hi, there.

 

I'm struggling a bit, and thought I'd ask LoveShack's community for an opinion.

 

I'm trying to decide whether to separate or not. I know it's a personal decision, reachable really only by me alone, but I'm really struggling to get a handle on it or think about it clearly. Emotion and pain are muddling my thoughts.

 

We married five years ago and live in Scotland.

 

Things weren't perfect, or even terribly rosy, but I was very hopeful. We had overcome a great deal to marry, and I was confident that our worst times were behind us and that, eventually, through diligence and caring, we would reach contentment and happiness.

 

I had always wanted children and she had said that she did, but "not right now."

 

This continued for four and a half years, with steadily decreasing frequency and stridency. I'm forty now and feel my age; I thought children might be something that I would no longer do justice.

 

We fought often, though, usually after her mother or stepfather had been in touch. She despises them and they don't love her, but by some strange mechanic my wife feels in her heart as though she might be able to earn her mother's love, though she knows in her mind that this cannot be done. These fights were sometimes epic. Towards the end of this period, I realised that they weren't about me at all, were outside my control and avoided them. We seemed to do better after that.

 

I have a job that takes me to London for two or three days a month, sometimes I have to go for a two or three days a week, sometimes I'm home for an entire month. It is a well paid position and I financially support us both.

 

At our wedding in the US (where we're both from), a lifelong friend brought his new girlfriend to the wedding to introduce to me and our group of friends. The two of them seemed happy enough and, to my delight, she was from Scotland and they were moving there together.

 

They live on the west coast, though, and most of his work took him to the the east. As childhood friends who had kept in continuous touch for the last twenty five years, I extended the hand of friendship and hospitality and offered to let him stay with us while he was on business away from his home.

 

A year ago, we moved house and my wife was adamant that she did not want him to stay in the new home. She claimed he was freeloading and she had had enough.

 

This was probably true - our whiskey would disappear when he was around - but it takes a lifetime to make a lifelong friend and a bottle of whiskey once or twice a month seems like a small price to pay to have his company.

 

But we agreed he would stay elsewhere for a time, although he still occasionally came to stay with us, at my insistence.

 

Then, four months ago, we had a weekend to ourselves, and she told me she was ready to start a family and have children.

 

I was happy initially, but she continued.

 

She was ready to have children, but in order for there to be nothing that could hang over them or their birth, or taint our happiness as a couple going forward, there was some thing she needed to tell me to clear the air.

 

And it was a doozy.

 

She had an affair with my friend. For two and a half years. And she broke it off a year ago.

 

My first step was to cut my ex-friend out of my life and ask my wife to do the same. She did so, immediately and without complaint.

 

I'm now wondering whether this will happen again. I think the underlying mechanism which causes it to occur is still there and I'm still going to be working part of my time in London.

 

I respect her for coming forward and being brave enough to tell me. It seems a shame to respond to her belated honesty with separation.

 

But the trust is gone, and I no longer think we'll really be happy. It turns out she doesn't really believe we'll ever be happy, either, but she doesn't believe anyone is really happy! Instead, there are moments of happiness, and that's all anyone can ask for, because we're all really just hurting deep down inside and no one is really content.

 

I really don't know what to do here, or even really where to begin analysing. It's all beyond my experience.

 

What do you think? What questions do you have?

 

I'll answer them to the best of my ability.

[Philosoraptor]

Doesn't seem like there was much happiness at any point. She seems tp take her frustrations out on you and then she followed that up by admitting that she had a lengthy affair. What makes you believe that after this much unhappiness that anything would change? If you don't really believe it, and she's flat out told you that no one is really happy.... why sit around in misery. You can be just a miserable alone as you can with her, but being single and working on yourself will get you out of this dynamic and allow you the chance to start fresh and find happiness in this world.

[ShouldIMoveOn]

Thanks for listening, and for giving a considered and thoughtful response. She didn't reveal the affair out of malice, but was certainly naive to the consequences.

 

I think I'll have to file for separation.

 

Ugh! What a mess!

[vla1120]

I just came out here for the first time today. I stayed 32 years in a marriage with a man who stepped out on me at least twice that I know of. I stayed for my daughters. They are now grown and it's now my turn for some happiness. Don't spend the next 32 years unhappy, my friend.

[oldshirt]

I kind of agree with philosoraptor, if you stay and try to reconcile you know that you will just kind of exist with a low level of just kind of getting by and no real satisfaction or happiness for either of you.

 

So basically behind Door # 1 is a known quantity of dissatisfaction, frustration and just getting by and you can be reasonably certain that it will never really change and never really improve to any appreciable degree. It will always be that way.

 

Behind Door #2 is a level of uncertainty but also there is also a clean start and the potential for happiness and satisfaction. There may be a few sad and lonely days here and there in the beginning but you also have the opportunity to wake up and say, "today is the day!" where as if you pick door #1, you will wake up every day and say, "here we go again."

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

She was ready to have children, but in order for there to be nothing that could hang over them or their birth, or taint our happiness as a couple going forward, there was some thing she needed to tell me to clear the air.

 

 

 

 

I respect her for coming forward and being brave enough to tell me. It seems a shame to respond to her belated honesty with separation.

 

 

I do see your point and dilemma here. In a way it would kind of seem like punishing her for being forthcoming. But I think in a way she wants you to be all-in or all-out. I think her reasoning behind telling you was so you could make an informed decision on whether to go through with starting a family with her or not given that both of you seem to have this low-level of happiness and contentment together.

 

In other words she wanted you to know just how low-level you guys really are and wants you to decide whether to accept that at face value and plug ahead with a family anyway and accept her warts and all. Or whether you will see that things really aren't ideal and aren't what either of you wants and she wants you to pull the plug on everything now while you can each walk away cleanly and both of you can make fresh starts.

 

She presented you with that information so that you can take leadership of the marriage and decide whether it is worth proceeding forward or pulling the plug and starting anew.

 

She wants your guidance on whether you will be all-in and will be completely committed to the marriage, to her and to the offspring, knowing how "F'd up your marriage really is.

 

She's leaving it up to you to determine whether you two as a couple should move forward with starting a family or whether you should cleanly and as painlessly as possible call it quits.

[oldshirt]

 

She presented you with that information so that you can take leadership of the marriage and decide whether it is worth proceeding forward or pulling the plug and starting anew.

 

She wants your guidance on whether you will be all-in and will be completely committed to the marriage, to her and to the offspring, knowing how "F'd up your marriage really is.

 

She's leaving it up to you to determine whether you two as a couple should move forward with starting a family or whether you should cleanly and as painlessly as possible call it quits.

 

My gut instinct is telling me that if she had decided that she was really in love with you, happy with you and had truly decided that she wanted to have a family with you- she would have covered her tracks about the affair and taken it to her grave.

 

The fact that it went on for so long and you never suspected anything and never went snooping around and trying to keep her from doing it has probably lead her subconsciously doubting whether she thinks you two should start a family herself and she is defaulting to your leadership to determine whether there is enough there to start a family or not.

 

In other words she has her own serious doubts too.

 

And since men are typically the head of the household and the default leadership position of family matters she is showing you her warts and blemishes and asking you to make the final decision.

 

This is just my gut instinct, but my gut is telling me she wants you to say no and pull the plug.

 

But, my gut is also telling me that she wants you to be definitive one way or the other so that if you do decide to move forward with a family, she wants you to be all-in and 100% committed to making it work and making it the best possible scenario in which to bring children into the world.

 

There for the burden on your shoulders right now is are you all-in???? Are you and would you ever be 100% committed to making as good as possible a life and family with this woman given the past and the history you have had with her up to this point.

 

If you can honesty and sincerely say,'yes,' then you can consider reconciliating and moving forward.

 

If you can not honestly and sincerely say 'yes' then the best thing to do is commit yourself to dissolving the marriage in as painless and cooperative manner as possible to minimize the damage and chaos to both of you so that each of you can move on as best as possible.

 

She is asking for leadership and guidance from you for what would be the best for you two as a couple, whether the best would be to move forward with starting a family or amicably separate and move on with the rest of your lives individually.

[KathyM]

If she had not cheated, I would be suggesting you go to marriage counseling and work on your marriage. But the lengthy affair just adds a devastating blow to an already unhappy marriage. An affair is the worse kind of disrespect of your partner, and shows that she really does not care much about you. Doesn't sound like there's much to try to salvage in your marriage, as it was never good and you've had serious problems since before you even got married. And please don't bring a baby into this mess. It would not be fair to the child to be born into a marriage that is so dysfunctional. Separation is probably the best route, under the circumstances. You have an unhappy marriage, and now broken trust which will be extremely difficult to repair.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Should move on,

 

Sorry you find yourself here. Double betrayals sure are a double mess aren't they?

 

Everything has been said already in this thread by far more experiences posters than I,but I would like to reinforce two things. Your wife did the right thing by giving you the information you need to make an informed, fact based choice for your future. But, infidelity can be a deal breaker, sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. Your choice.

 

Your marriage may not been the kind for which sonnets are written, but you did not deal with it by cheating. Marriage is hard, make sure you and your spouse can put the effort into it.

 

Good luck.

[imtooconfused]

Hi ShouldIMoveOn, I came to this thread because of your one and only (up to this point) other post on that other thread. You seem to have a pretty good handle on judging people. And I am supremely sorry for what is going on in your own life.

 

I will start my thoughts by saying that I disagree (mildly) with the other posters because I feel there is a path to reconciliation for you and your spouse if both sides sincerely want to try. The affair in your case was clearly physical, so it is 180 degrees different than that other thread, which means there would be a lot more work to get past the supreme hurt that you feel. I don't have any suggestions right now as to how to do that. I would like to share with you some thoughts that may help you understand what your wife did and understanding those things will give you some clarity as to whether or how you can move forward.

 

The confession of the affair... There are several comments on this thread questioning why she decided to tell you about it. It seems clear to me that (based on the fact she was perfectly willing to break contact with him) that this is a cry for help. Even I can tell that because for you, this came out of nowhere, you were not aware that there were problems. She needed you to see that there were problems. Very much related, but more important is the fact that she needed you recognize what the problems were and (and in her hopeful mind) help to make corrections. It was/is a last ditch effort... I don't want to use this term too lightly, but it was like a marital suicide attempt. Some people attempt suicide not wanting to end it all, but rather with the hope that others will see how troubled they are. She confessed so that you would see how troubled the marriage is, while on the other hand accepting that if you don't want to make changes, then the divorce resulting from the affair would be an adequate resolution to the underlying problems. I don't think she would have confessed if she really wanted to end it all, because she could have called a lawyer. I think she would prefer to reconcile.

 

Now about your feelings... Why did she have the affair in the first place? How could she do that to you? In that regard, I think you and your wife were being used. Your "friend" recognized those marital problems and used them to his advantage which resulted in him pursuing your wife. I seriously doubt your wife would have sought to have this affair, any affair had your "friend" not been in the picture. She was feeling needy and he saw this as an opening to get her in bed.

 

If you have the desire to reconcile (and that's a big if) and if you can figure out what those emotional triggers were, you can spin this around. That is a powerful opening for you to use to your advantage, just as much as your "friend" did... just as long as you are willing to use it.