Does it always have to be no contact?

[Dan250391]

I've seperated this thread into two sections; backstory and the main point. I know it's two long but I really need some input this time.

 

I've read so many threads on here and everyone suggests NC as a solution. After reading up so much about it I completely get the concept and the idea behind it, I see how it can work. It allows you space and distance from your ex for you to regain yourself and learn to be yourself and move on. But what if you don't want that. Why does it always have to be NC.

 

Backstory

 

Me and my ex were together for just under three years; long distance for the first and lived together for the last two. We have known eachother since we were 13, from the same hometown and are now 22. We had such a sudden break up over my depression after graduating and new job stress and lack of time causing me to lock myself away, become lazy and just effortless; and it left her feeling unloved and unwanted. When we broke up we never felt like we were broke up and stayed the same physically it was just like there was the statement there. But she still looked at me the same way she has always and she still talk about future things like kids and marriage and told me she loved me.

 

It was a crazy limbo still living together when we broke up for four months. She started seeing someone and denied it till I found out, so I left her alone and was going to start seeing someone but couldn't. Then we were going to get back together but didn't over a silly argument about the girl I didn't see. She started seeing someone else and denies it so I left town. We were going in and out of being with eachother; one week we wouldn't talk, next week we spent all week watching movies in bed, having sex and cooking dinners together. One week it was no texting, next week it's I love you, I miss you, I still think we'll get married and I want you to give me kids.

 

When I told her that I wasn't staying the same town and moving back to our hometown. She burst into tears instantly saying she can't believe she wont see me again and she doesn't want me to go. The last week went on like that and she was so fragile on our last day together, she couldn't even be touched without crying. She kept saying she didn't want this to happen and getting me to promise to come and visit, and asking can't you stay. The whole way back home and for days she was a mess; not getting out of bed, crying, telling me she missed me, talking about kids, she wouldn't unpack, texted me all day, hated everything and called me all day. She even talked to me about transferring her Uni to one back home. Until a few days in when she was normal and was going to an outdoor pool with "work friends", which I later found out was the guy she's "not seeing". So I didn't get mad and I didn't get hasty, but just decided that it was time to do me. Not that I wasn't before, I was getting out of the house and doing things but I wans't doing what I do, just pre occupying myself.

 

We still kept contact but I started going gym with friends. I went to the gym with my two best friends on Sunday after not hearing for her for a day, and then we went to get food. She called me during and I answered and was as normal as I've always been and she asked what I was up to and then she just went "Well I'll leave you to have food". I thought nothing of it and later found that she blocked me on WhatsApp and deleted me from all social networking sites. I tried to call when I found out, no answer then a text saying "Did you try to call me" a few hours later, but it was too late and I didn't text back.

 

I could still see her Facebook and the first night she had a status about her brain not letting her go to sleep at 2am. The next day it was that she was so happy in the town she always hated in the flat she hated. Which hurt but it pushed me to carry on doing me. Then she text me after four days NC with "Hows your new job" and I text back exactly how I would've when we were normal and just told her all the positive things in modesty, no overhyping or being estatic just told her its going well. She replied "That's great x", and I know it's only text but I know her and could sense sarcasm, it left me nothing to reply to so I didn't and went out later that even with work mates.

 

My overall point is; is there a difference between no contact and giving space. To be honest in my situation and for the past week and a half I am still unsure with what I want now. I can't lie I miss her everyday and I think of her everyday, I miss talking to her and I miss doing everything with her even the silly little things like going to the shops. I always felt like we had something that wans't worth throwing away and our bond is still so strong. I still want what we always wanted and clearly so does she. But she can't be convinced and I'm past the point of convincing because I need to put my pride first and I am not desperate and I won't plead. At the same time I don't want to let go of our bond and I think it could work out.

 

But at the same time I am learning to be about me again; I've got plans going with my best mates and I'm gaining more from work, I'm social and I'm having a good time. Work is going great, I'm in line for another promotion with a 40% raise. And I am looking to learn to drive and then get a car before the years up, then progress onto a career starting next year. I am in the best shape of my life and I can see girls checking me out, I still have girls from where I used to live texting me. I know I won't be alone but I can't help but wish we'd sorted this and she could share my life again now that I'm out of my depressing and my head is switched on to moving forwards. I'm self sufficient for the first time in so many years and things feel great.

 

I am a firm believer of not burning bridges and I didn't throughout the whole limbo. I never said a bad word and was never spiteful, maybe jealous a few times but then I felt I had a right to mention that she was seeing other people when she spend every night in bed with me. I wanted to make sure that when I left she remembered me for who I am (what I was before my depression). I changed all the things I could that lead to our breakup; cleaned, looked after myself, went back to the gym and got into the best shape I've been in for a year, sorted my work hours so we could spend more time together and started saving money whilst maintaining my finances something I've not been able to do. I helped her move; built her furniture and decorated because she looked destroyed inside when she showed me her new flat and almost cried. I just wanted her to remember me for being the same guy she fell in love with and loved and devoted to, not what I became due to stress and not being able to handle changes in my life.

 

She always said that she thinks she needs to be alone and figure out what she wants (original I know). But I felt like she means it. Then there's the two guys she's seen already, which is just her for the ten years I've known her she has never been single and be herself, she can't be she's always seeing someone. I know for a normal girl this would be warning signs but she is bi-polar. I get that I hurt her badly, after everything she's done for me and she's unsure if I could change for good or if it's just to win her back, so I get why she wants her space. But these guys clearly don't do what I do for her because she keeps coming back.

 

Since we broke up I've seen her go from manic to depressed; one minute she is spending all her money, going out drinking all night, estatic and full of over ambitious ideas; the next she won't get out of bed, is crying and talking about killing herself. Bi polar people make irrational decisions (sometimes driven by hypersexuality) and they shut out the person they care about the most. I've read so many forums about bipolar people and breakups, and they seem to go down these routes (similar to GIGs) where an element pushes the manic state and leaving the bi polar person to think they can do better rather than work on things. To be fair I've read about people getting so much worse.

 

Main Point

 

Maybe I'm too mature and understanding, and a little part of me hurts alot and makes me feel like chucking up the deuces and telling her to **** off because I'll be fine without her. But it's not worth it because even if I find someone better in every aspect, I just don't think I'll love them the same way.

 

So will complete no contact work here? It did when I left for University for the first year and we came back and it just made our love stronger and we started being together and it was magical. But then I tried it for two weeks when we broke up, and she felt like I didn't care that we broke up and she tried to move on.

 

Whereas controlled space? Why isn't that an option? We still love eachother like we always have and we she says she still wants to be with me but can't be in a serious relationship. But her actions and her need to be in contact and the way she holds on to everything, and how fragile she is without me; says that she still wants this but she's lost. I don't want to be her way whilst she figures it out but I do want to be here for her and make sure she knows I still care. I'm not going to stop my life going forward without her and wait idle with my phone in my hand, my life will be great.

 

P.S It's what would of been our Anniversary in a week; and we didn't have a proper first one because we were broke from moving together but I did what I could. Our second was halted by the fact that we had to go back home to look after her Nan (who is like her Mum), but I still took her to the cinema we had our first date at. I was planning a big third time lucky Anniversary but well... do I need to explain. But the whole break up was about me coming across like I don't care and couldn't be bothered. I just want to send her a simple bouquet of flowers with a note that says that I am still thinking of what was great about us on our day, nothing desperate or needy, not asking her to call or come back to me. Just the thought that counts, maybe a card and I was thinking a USB drive with the movie we saw at the cinema on our first date. She still doesn't have a TV or internet in her place so it gives her something to watch on her laptop. I don't know I just want to be througtful. I know the pros and cons, I've been reading up about it all week.

[AllTooWell]

If you had went NC from the day things ended, you would not have fought. You wouldn't have had ANY of the pain and anguish that you do now. You BOTH wouldn't have hurt each other.

 

 

 

 

But then I tried it for two weeks when we broke up, and she felt like I didn't care that we broke up and she tried to move on.

Right except even when you are in contact, she's still trying to move on, and now she's being deceitful about who she's seeing and so on so she doesn't hurt you.

Yes, you should be in full no contact. NO it won't cause her to move on any faster. Let me be the first to say that since me and my ex broke up, I have dated and seen other guys and he is still on my mind, still better than all of them. If anything all it did was show me that I would rather be with him.

Next, this shows that the reason you are still in contact with her is because you're scared of letting her go and having her move on. Good LUCK really "moving on" and finding closure.

 

 

 

 

Listen to it from the outside - you're asking why you can't give this woman who doesn't want to be with you "controlled space"? Because you are naively trying to fix her and hope she will come back. Most IMPORTANTLY you are going to allow her the perks of being with you (your emotional comforts, etc) while she gets to do whatever the hell she wants. That sounds like a pretty good deal, why would she ever stop having her cake and eating it too to settle back into a relationship when she can have the best of both worlds? Her actions don't show she is fragile or lost. YOU have perceived her that way. You say you're going to move on anyway, but the fact is that eventually those "how are you" texts are going to stop coming, and you'll finally realize despite what you've been saying, you've been waiting for them all along and seeking comfort in them, and now you have nothing.

 

 

Despite what other posters will tell you about that gift, I actually think you should go for it - IF YOU DECIDE TO DO NC. If you decide to keep in this limited/controlled contact situation, then no, because you are already giving her your time and she has all the power. If you go NC, I think it would be a lot more powerful. "I am thinking about you, I love you, but I am not going to be a second choice."

 

 

You don't need to be malicious about NC.

[soccerrprp]

I still want what we always wanted and clearly so does she. But she can't be convinced and I'm past the point of convincing because I need to put my pride first and I am not desperate and I won't plead. At the same time I don't want to let go of our bond and I think it could work out.

 

This is contradictory. She DOES want what you want??? But she needs convincing?????

 

Your post seems to indicate someone who is in NEED of her. Pride, in some cases, you put aside pride and go for what you want despite the possible consequences. Not by groveling or begging to the point of embarrassment. But, I must say that in this case, I am not sure that you should.

 

 

 

Maybe I'm too mature and understanding, and a little part of me hurts alot and makes me feel like chucking up the deuces and telling her to **** off because I'll be fine without her. But it's not worth it because even if I find someone better in every aspect, I just don't think I'll love them the same way.

 

Do you really feel that being with her is a recipe for a healthy relationship? If so, why would you even consider telling her to f**k-off???

 

I, personally, do not believe that one should go NC unless you are hoping to heal, completely disengage with someone. NC is especially good if your break-up was poisonous in any way. But, if you love someone so much and your separation was under unfortunate, but amicable circumstances and you BOTH TRULY care for one another, NC is ruthlessly inconvenient, contrary behavior to exhibit to someone you claim to love and, well, unnecessary if you mean to keep him/her in your life and your are strong enough to do so knowing that she/he may never be yours romantically....

 

Are you strong enough? Do you and does she really care about you? And ultimately, do YOU and does SHE want NC?

[Dan250391]

Thanks for all the replies guys, this is a great place to post and get people to help you understand from the outside-in.

 

When it all comes down to it; I don't really know what to think. I am in two minds; part of me believes in why she broke up with me and can accept what she's doing because we aren't together and it seems likely that it springs from a lot of her issues (Bipolar etc.). Which gives me closure, but at the same time I can also see that she could've just been being deceitful and realistically she just didn't want to be with me, there was no confusion and there was no need for space; I just wasn't what she wanted anymore and she was just sparing my feelings. Which also gives me closure.

 

I would personally still say I could believe what she said to me; reason being that she's now chasing me. She text me again last night saying "are you awake?"; I left it about 30 mins because I couldn't decide whether to blank it or control the contact. I went with the latter and text back; "Yeah what's up?" and she replies with "Wanted to call you but don't worry". And I left it at that. I get what she wants, she wanted me to come begging and playing into it with "I wanted to talk to you too, call me" or calling her. But then that just puts me back to my original position and back to being the fallback guy till she decides what she really wants.

 

I refuse to be that, and that is my point of controlled contact; I think no contact is so harsh unless you had a bad break up, it leaves you blanking someone who may genuinely just be interested in talking. If you need the mental space because you can't control your feelings and understand yourself enough then NC works too. But I know what I need to do and that's be about me. I still care about her as much as I always have but I'm not interested in games and I won't be played; if I'm not number one then I'm out of the race. But if she is genuinely interested in just talking to me for the sake of wanting to talk to me, then I want to too.

 

At the end of the day I know I can't change what she does and only change what I do. I understand whole heartedly that NC isn't a manipulation tool to win an ex back (though it can be the outcome on occasion but I won't hold me breath), but it's a tool to create clearing and closure, give the dumpee space to become them again and find themselves. I have the mental clearing myself; I'm starting to enjoy being just single and I am learning so much about myself that just got lost away when I was me with her. I am so happy with the way my new life back home is progressing; my new job is going great and they are pushing me all the way up the ladder already, I'm hanging out with my best mates enjoying summer and making great plans, I'm saving money ready for my future like learning to drive in the near future to moving out in the distant future.

 

I already feel like I've gotten back me and bounced from this breakup by learning more things about myself. For example I've always been extremely self concious and anxious at times, and I still get that but I am finding my confidence again and learning about what actually made me that way and how to overcome it. I see girls checking me out and I am learning how to be casual and put myself over the idea of just being with someone.

 

And this is why NC isn't an option for me; I don't need it. I've gotten myself back and I am moving on with my life without her, and it's going to be great. I don't need to avoid her to be able to do that, I am self-sufficient enough to control my feelings and put myself first. By all means I still love her as much as I always have and I think about her, but I don't put my life on hold. And if one day (which is probably going to be sooner rather than later with the way she's been) she does decide that she wants to be with me, then that will be the toughest decision of my life because after everything now and finding myself, I don't even know if I want to be back with her and I think deep down perhaps I was confusing my love for her as my want to be in a relationship with her, when they can be two separate entities

 

Thanks again Loveshack

[TaraMaiden]

God, of all the people who've posted about NC, you need it more than anyone, right now.

 

What a mess.

[flitzanu]

well, she said she wants space, so that means she doesn't want to be with you. whether or not that means "right now" or "never" is a bit beside the point.

 

if there's motivation for you to keep in contact with her because you think it's going to help her decide to come back, i think that's the wrong reason to stay talking.

 

i see what you're saying that you don't "need" NC to move on because you're ambivalent about it...but she's the one making the choice to move "away" from you. i don't htink you should be sitting around waiting on her to figure her life out, you should cut her out and let her do that on her own.

 

if she comes back, then deal with it then. don't be her emotional tampon while she's "figuring herself out".

[Talulah]

Manic depressive? are you a doctor that make a diagnosis? sometimes people cannot handle emotions, if you want to help her take to a real professional, since you are so mature and all.

[reddragon588]

If you are no longer together, it is not up to you to save her. It simply isn't your problem. If she wanted your help, she should not have broken up with you. Now is the time to be selfish- you have your own problems (we all do! don't take it personally)- is she helping you with those? Are you expecting her to save you from your own issues in your own life? It is time to stop seeing this in terms of "us" and "you and I". It sucks, and it is the hardest part. It is what I'm struggling with right now.

 

I finally told my ex last week that we can't be friends anymore and that we can't contact each other anymore. It is incredibly hard, and it really really sucks. I still hurt a lot. But I have to tell you, I feel a million times better than I did before. I can finally focus on myself. I don't have delusions of us getting back together. I don't sit there waiting for the next time she contacts me. I don't think about the next time we might hang out. When I told her we can't be friends, I told her I still love her, and that I always will. If she really loves me, she knows that I still love her, and she'll come back. If not, well, it sucks, but it wasn't meant to be. "Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."

 

You need to tell her that you can't contact each other anymore. It's the only way. Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. Staying in contact with her is easy, but it is also going to eat at you.

Edited July 23, 2013 by reddragon588