another girl Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Over a year ago, when we first started he was the first to hold my hand, to kiss me, to say "I love you." He's the shy type, he has told me that he doesn't like verbally expressing love and that he prefers to let his actions do the talking which I am fine with, but even action-wise he has been a lot less affectionate in the past couple of months. We are in our twenties. I asked him the other day why he doesn't seem to like the idea of holding hands anymore; the first time I asked he said his hands were dirty so he couldn't (which I told him I wouldn't have minded). The second time I asked he laughed at the idea that I seemed to be upset about it. He hasn't said the words "I love you" in months; if I ask him "Do you love me?" he'd say yes but that's just me asking him, and a one word answer just doesn't seem the same. He doesn't give kisses anymore either, I'd always have to ask for one. He doesn't hug me, he also doesn't plan dates/meetups. The most we do is chat online, pretty much. Any date has to be initiated by me. I talked to him a couple days ago about it (albeit a short lived talk). I was pretty frustrated and mad at this point so I pretty much asked "you don't do xyz to show affection anymore, why? What do you still do?" He replied, "I say goodbye when I bring you home." Well...okay. Isn't it normal to say goodbye to someone when you are parting ways? I asked him where the affection went and he told me "my affection is low." I told him genuinely that I would appreciate some more affection. He hasn't replied or talked to me since. Having said all these negatives, I do still love him and want to make it work . I feel like he is getting too comfortable with the relationship because I am always "there" for him. I want him to appreciate me more. What should I do? I was thinking of "withdrawing" for a bit. "Guys will learn to appreciate you more if you 'lose your presence' around them" - how true is this? I haven't talked to him in 2 days since that conversation and like I said he hasn't made any contact either. I have no idea what's going through in his mind. Am I right to be mad in this situation??? I'm not crazy, am I? Anyhow...Thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated!
SoulJazzBlues Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Besides his interactions with you, has any of his other behaviours changed? Is he dressing different, going to different places, hanging out with friends more, hanging out with new friends, going to events solo etc? It's hard to say but he may be preparing to mentally check out of this relationship. His responses to your concerns don't seem like he even cares.
Author another girl Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Besides that, he's pretty much the same. We do still have a lot of fun together when we do have dates (just that I have to do a lot of initiating) and I know that cares -it's just that he doesn't show it anymore and it's getting very frustrating.
bolase Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I asked him where the affection went and he told me "my affection is low." I told him genuinely that I would appreciate some more affection. He hasn't replied or talked to me since. Hey there, sorry this is getting you down. Personally the above would be, well, not good enough. You deserve better. You deserve communication, and effort. But, you can't force that out of a guy. So yes consider it a break, I would actually pull back and consider it over, unless he begs for you to return his contact. He has virtually said that he can't give more. It is very tough but you will get through it.
todreaminblue Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I don't know if withdrawing helps, I think honest communication where you want the relationship to be is more helpful,tell him exactly how you feel, because it is making you feel "taken for granted"... avoiding by withdrawal.........is not in my opinion a way to solve a problem but develop more distance between solving the problem and the issues involved, where they could be simply adressed with open and honest communication.....best wishes....deb
Author another girl Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Thanks for your input! I agree that I would have liked to have been able to talk it out fully but he didn't even respond back to me when I was trying to address and initiate the communication...I didn't tell him that I felt taken for granted though; I only talked about how he doesn't do the forementioned things anymore so that'd probably a good thing to mention to him 1
StayBeautiful Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Meh, I just broke up with someone like this (well... technically he broke up with me, but another few weeks and I'd have been done ) - precisely because he was like this. I constantly felt self conscious around him, and as if everything was forced. Outside of the bedroom, he didn't really do affection. I couldn't do that. It made me realise how passionate and affectionate the guy before him was, and how much I prefer that. But, that's what dating is. Working out what does and doesn't do it for you. In my experience, he probably won't change, so the question you need to ask is - are you ok with that?
Treasa Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 He's not interested in a relationship with you. Honestly, I've been where you are, and I am begging you....walk away. Even if he does try to contact you, please know you can and should do much better. Please don't settle for this crap. 1
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Over a year ago, when we first started he was the first to hold my hand, to kiss me, to say "I love you." He's the shy type, he has told me that he doesn't like verbally expressing love and that he prefers to let his actions do the talking which I am fine with, but even action-wise he has been a lot less affectionate in the past couple of months. We are in our twenties. I asked him the other day why he doesn't seem to like the idea of holding hands anymore; the first time I asked he said his hands were dirty so he couldn't (which I told him I wouldn't have minded). The second time I asked he laughed at the idea that I seemed to be upset about it. He hasn't said the words "I love you" in months; if I ask him "Do you love me?" he'd say yes but that's just me asking him, and a one word answer just doesn't seem the same. He doesn't give kisses anymore either, I'd always have to ask for one. He doesn't hug me, he also doesn't plan dates/meetups. The most we do is chat online, pretty much. Any date has to be initiated by me. I talked to him a couple days ago about it (albeit a short lived talk). I was pretty frustrated and mad at this point so I pretty much asked "you don't do xyz to show affection anymore, why? What do you still do?" He replied, "I say goodbye when I bring you home." Well...okay. Isn't it normal to say goodbye to someone when you are parting ways? I asked him where the affection went and he told me "my affection is low." I told him genuinely that I would appreciate some more affection. He hasn't replied or talked to me since. Having said all these negatives, I do still love him and want to make it work . I feel like he is getting too comfortable with the relationship because I am always "there" for him. I want him to appreciate me more. What should I do? I was thinking of "withdrawing" for a bit. "Guys will learn to appreciate you more if you 'lose your presence' around them" - how true is this? I haven't talked to him in 2 days since that conversation and like I said he hasn't made any contact either. I have no idea what's going through in his mind. Am I right to be mad in this situation??? I'm not crazy, am I? Anyhow...Thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated! Red flags No affection (after being affectionate) No loving words (after saying them) No initiation of getting together He told you to watch his actions (he prefers to let his actions do the talking) his actions are clear. While I personally believe in talking things out, and agree it makes the most sense. In some cases, knowing the biological responses to relationships and using that (which is all action based) to address difficulty is the best. Especially with a non talker. It's very hard for me to not want to talk something to death, but I am learning to adjust to suit the situation. Let me qualify this by saying I believe that he wants out of the relationship but doesn't know how to do it, so he is doing things to irritate you hoping you will break up. Worst kind of passive aggressive behavior. If I am wrong my advice will work. Do you know how they say not to run from a dog (bear, lion whatever)? The reason is that biologically they are programmed to CHASE YOU if you run. Humans act the same way it's biology. Stop calling, texting, making plans, maybe even stop responding to texts and emails. If HE asks what's wrong, tell him you are taking time to consider whether you can be in a relationship with no affection (or whatever) since he made it clear he has no intention of adjusting his approach. IF he is interested in you he will make some strides to resolve. Sorry I do think its not going to work, but I wish you the best.
Els Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Having said all these negatives, I do still love him and want to make it work Why? What positives does he actually bring into your life right now? I read your thread title and first sentence, and came in expecting to tell you that it's been a year and that you cannot expect everything to be exactly the same as it was in the beginning. Having read your post, I completely revise my opinion! This is NOT a normal sort of post-honeymoon-phase decline. This guy is putting in zero effort, and you are twisting yourself into pretzels trying to figure out how you can make him put effort in. But you can't. He needs to want to do so himself. You need to have a serious talk with him about everything that's going on in your R right now. Not 'why didn't you hold my hand last night?', which allows cop-outs like his 'hands were dirty' excuse. But rather a general picture of all your concerns about this R and how they make you feel. If he's genuinely just being a dolt (which I doubt, I once dated an extremely socially inept guy in my late teens and even he was not that bad), then that should suffice to have him make changes. If he doesn't do anything about it? You have your answer right there.
petall Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I told him genuinely that I would appreciate some more affection. He hasn't replied or talked to me since. You've already said it yourself. You deserve better. Don't become the only giver in this relationship. Cut him off. See what reaction it draws. If he bucks up (since he already knows you have a problem with his lack of affection), he'll make active steps to change. If he doesn't, well, it's painful to hear, but he's lost interest and his actions just preceded his actual words.
hoping2heal Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 What should I do? I was thinking of "withdrawing" for a bit. "Guys will learn to appreciate you more if you 'lose your presence' around them" - how true is this? I'm sure it does work but the problem isn't whether or not the tactic works. The problem is needing to withdraw and be distant just to get some appreciation. I think taking one another for granted temporarily happens from time to time. But, for the most part you should be able to appreciate each other when you're a presence in one another lives not just missing something not there. I haven't talked to him in 2 days since that conversation and like I said he hasn't made any contact either. I have no idea what's going through in his mind. Am I right to be mad in this situation??? I'm not crazy, am I? Anyhow...Thanks for reading and any advice is appreciated! Based on his responses I think you need to accept the fact that this is just how he is at expressing his feelings. It's very normal for things to change once the honeymoon phase is over. That's not to say that all men just become seemingly detached and non-nonchalant. Rather, those who aren't very affectionate under normal circumstances may become that way under the influence of all of those honeymoon phase chemicals but once they subside so does their normal demeanor. You've told him how you feel and he has made no effort to do anything about it thus far. So why are you still trying? I think the fact that you actually told him straight out what bothers you and how it makes you feel and those concerns went untouched should be a big, glaring sign for you.
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