knh Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I cannot get my husband to stop watching or viewing pornographic movies and images. We've been together for 8 years and married for 3. As I'm sure I'll be told that porn is a normal part of a man's life, I feel like I've reached a point where it's not normal. Our relationship is good on most levels, but lack intimacy between us has been a reoccurring problem and now I'm ready to leave him over it. I would say my husband and I have sex about once a week, but honestly it's usually less. We're both very young, I'm 27 and he's 30. Porn is a substitute for him, we won't have physical intimacy for long periods of time, that's when I know he's watching it. It's not because I've pushed him away or told him that I didn't want sex, I've always told him I wanted more, but that didn't seem to make a difference. He embarrassed me severely when we first started dating. One day I went over to his home and he left me sitting out in the living room while he finished masturbating to porn in his bedroom. I should have walked out then, but it was my first relationship and I really didn't know what to do. I've told him that I feel like he is substituting porn for sex, but he doesn't seem to think so because he is affectionate with hugs and kisses in our day to day life. I've attempted to put my foot down about this over the years, but this time I know in my heart that I'm ready to leave. He makes me feel so low and undesired. I don't have much trust in him as he's told me over and over he'll stop, but he hasn't stopped and I don't think that he will be able because porn is too easily available and the desire is always there. I'm considering a trial separation, but I'm curious as to what other people might think would be the best course of action. Has anyone else had this problem in their marriage? If the physical intimacy was there between us, I don't think his habits would be a problem, I would consider that normal. I'm not even sure if a trial separation would have an effect at this point. I'm wondering if anyone has had success with it and what sort of boundaries you set.
BeholdtheMan Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 He embarrassed me severely when we first started dating. One day I went over to his home and he left me sitting out in the living room while he finished masturbating to porn in his bedroom. Your boyfriend is a legend. On a serious note, how humiliating. Give him an ultimatum. If he still prefers his hand to your vagina, I think it's time for you to walk 2
Author knh Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 How often do you try to initiate sex? I'd say it was 50/50 for the most part, the last time we had sex a couple weeks ago I initiated it. I had sent text messages all day, kind of getting his attention about it. The last time we dealt with this a few months ago, I told him I couldn't put up with it anymore. He said he would stop, but it hasn't done any good. I think he tried for a few weeks, but just fell back into his old ways again and that's when I knew for sure because the sex had stopped and he just admitted it last night.
GuyInLimbo Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I am a long-time, frequent viewer, but it's because our sex life has always been terrible and I'm done. That said, your H has a real problem. Yes, that incident should have been a major red flag for you. That is no-way near normal. I'd venture to say he probably has an addiction and needs help quickly. I can't say if it would work or if it would save your relationship or not, but that would be a first step. I don't think it will be easy. It's very embarrassing.
SuperGeek Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Have you changed at all since you got married? any dramatic weight gain/loss? any other habits you picked up along the way that you think could contribute to his desire to want to view porn instead of being with you? Do you have any hangups like always performing sex in the same position or anything like that? What about intimacy and spicing things up? Guys tend to be more visually stimulated when it comes to sex (it's just biology), so do you try spice up this area a bit ? Have you tried asking him what exactly he liked about porn that is he doesn't get with you? Have you tried watching it with him? I'm not siding with your husband. He very likely has a problem, but no replies in this thread have shinned the spotlight on you yet. This board tends to be one sided a lot of the time and that is why I'm asking these questions.
Esoteric Elf Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Unfortunately porn is part of the majority of men's growth. Some have just done so without giving it much thought as soon as they were of age, so, by the time mid-20's rolls around, he has done it thousands of times casually. Breaking this habit may be a very difficult thing indeed. As SuperGeek said, you might want to find out why he is on his porn, if it stems beyond what I have just stated. He might be seeking something that is missing in sex with you.
eddyctv Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 He doesnt want sex with a "wife"...he wants it with a "whore"...so stop being his wife in bed and start being a whore. I mean this in a good way...haha may not sound like it though...
SuperGeek Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 (edited) One of my mates and his wife were able to repair their sex life after they sat down and talked about what they wanted. It turned out she had bad breath all the time due to some health foods she was eating and didn't realize it. He was afraid to tell her anything because females are very sensitive about physical criticism. He also wasn't grooming himself properly in a specific area and that decreased her desires and she didn't know how to say it. Obviously this is just one case and they are all extremely specific. Talking about it is the only way to resolve it. Some of these issues are extremely hard to talk about so that is why this sort of thing can just drag on for years because often our spouses are doing or not doing the things we would like. Due to the subject matter it's hard to talk about a lot of it, but it must be done to keep the relationship progressing. Edited July 19, 2013 by SuperGeek 1
eddyctv Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 One of my mates and his wife were able to repair their sex life after they sat down and talked about what they wanted. It turned out she had bad breath all the time due to some health foods she was eating and didn't realize it. He was afraid to tell her anything because females are very sensitive about physical criticism. He also wasn't grooming himself properly in a specific area and that decreased her desires and she didn't know how to say it. Obviously this is just one case and they are all extremely specific. Talking about it is the only way to resolve it. Some of these issues are extremely hard to talk about so that is why this sort of thing can just drag on for years because often our spouses are doing or not doing the things we would like. Due to the subject matter it's hard to talk about a lot of it, but it must be done to keep the relationship progressing. I agree with all this...just TALK to him, without nagging or yelling. Talk like mature ADULTS. If he starts flipping out, stay calm and tell him you want to FIX this. If he cant talk rationally about it, maybe you should start packing. Or, help him pack. Or, disable your internet so no more porn. Could you watch porn together? I had a girlfriend that LOVED porn...maybe you can enjoy it together?
Author knh Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Have you changed at all since you got married? any dramatic weight gain/loss? any other habits you picked up along the way that you think could contribute to his desire to want to view porn instead of being with you? Do you have any hangups like always performing sex in the same position or anything like that? What about intimacy and spicing things up? Guys tend to be more visually stimulated when it comes to sex (it's just biology), so do you try spice up this area a bit ? Have you tried asking him what exactly he liked about porn that is he doesn't get with you? Have you tried watching it with him? I'm not siding with your husband. He very likely has a problem, but no replies in this thread have shinned the spotlight on you yet. This board tends to be one sided a lot of the time and that is why I'm asking these questions. That's a valid point. In the 8 years we've been together, I have gained and lost weight, but this was an issue even when I was at my skinniest. We don't have children, so my body hasn't changed drastically in any way. I've tried everything I could think of to try to spice things up to be his personal porn star. Honestly, I like 'dirty sex' compared to 'making love', to make a distinction. I like to be spanked, I like multiple positions, I've tried wearing things, bought toys, etc. I've even sacrificed my own orgasm thinking that might help take some pressure off of him, if he felt any. Nothing has worked, he always reverts back to porn. I asked him once to put something on that he wanted to watch while we had sex, he didn't want to. I don't know if there's a reason for that...if he was embarrassed, if he'd be distracted...I don't know. I've been angry in my approaches, I've also been calm and told him how much he is hurting me. Nothing gets through to him. Heart to hearts have lead me right back to square one.
pteromom Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I asked him once to put something on that he wanted to watch while we had sex, he didn't want to. Is it possible he has a fetish he doesn't want you to know about? Have you ever seen the porn he watches /checked his browser history, to see if there's a common thread in it?
Author knh Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Is it possible he has a fetish he doesn't want you to know about? Have you ever seen the porn he watches /checked his browser history, to see if there's a common thread in it? From what I've found it's mostly girl on girl stuff.
hayewils Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 mostly girl stuff? What do you mean? From what I am reading, age and all. Men tend to have a thing for a girl on girl thing at that age. Its a really weird fantasy thing, I remember going through that close to that age.
Author knh Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 (edited) mostly girl stuff? What do you mean? From what I am reading, age and all. Men tend to have a thing for a girl on girl thing at that age. Its a really weird fantasy thing, I remember going through that close to that age. I don't understand. I wouldn't have a problem with the porn if we still had a physical relationship. It's not what he's watching or that he masturbates, it's that he does this and then doesn't have a normal sex life with me. Edited July 20, 2013 by knh
keepontruckin Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 I don't understand. I wouldn't have a problem with the porn if we still had a physical relationship. It's not what he's watching or that he masturbates, it's that he does this and then doesn't have a normal sex life with me. The porn comes into play because it's "easy"... It's easy for him to move his hand up and down. Now, you'll have to take some serious steps if you want to attempt a fix... Basically, he's become lazy. Do you have the charge in you to direct? To become the boss? To direct behaviour?
Author knh Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 The porn comes into play because it's "easy"... It's easy for him to move his hand up and down. Now, you'll have to take some serious steps if you want to attempt a fix... Basically, he's become lazy. Do you have the charge in you to direct? To become the boss? To direct behaviour? How do I do this?
MyEvilTwin Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 That story of having you wait in the other room while he finished up when you were dating was a big clue as to how he looks at the whole thing. He put the porn first, not you. He continues to do that. He showed you who he was in that regard, and you married him. Trying to change him would be quite a battle. Compromise is the only option. He isn't going to have an epiphany and decide that you are right. So get a little demanding about wanting sex. Put the heat on a little. What you've done hasn't worked, so try something different. If you're submissive, take the lead. Stop worrying about pleasing him so much as making it known to him that you want to be pleased. There's nothing wrong with you, he simply prefers porn, he doesn't have to be concerned with pleasing anyone else but himself while using it. A bit selfish if you've told him that you would like to come before the porn, not the other way around. If you make it into a battle, you had better be ready for the fight of your life. Basically I see this guy as being selfish and lazy. I don't know if there's a cure for that.
zoobadger Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Do you have kids? If not, yeah, you should seriously think about separating. There are so many men out there dying to meet a woman like you who craves passion and intimacy. It would be a travesty for your first and only relationship to be with a man who doesn't appreciate you. If you have children, then you ought to try to make it work, but even then, don't hang on forever. Like everybody else commenting on this thread, I feel like you answered your own question when you told the story about making you wait while he finished up with his porn. Yuck.
GuyInLimbo Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I've tried everything I could think of to try to spice things up to be his personal porn star. Honestly, I like 'dirty sex' compared to 'making love', to make a distinction. I like to be spanked, I like multiple positions, I've tried wearing things, bought toys, etc. I've even sacrificed my own orgasm thinking that might help take some pressure off of him, if he felt any. Nothing has worked, he always reverts back to porn. This saddens me more, as this is the type of woman I need. This guy has it and doesn't appreciate it.
zoobadger Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 This saddens me more, as this is the type of woman I need. This guy has it and doesn't appreciate it. Yeah, she's too good for him. Truly.
jphcbpa Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 therapy ASAP, non-negotiable nothing has changed or will change unless you put your foot down and get in front of someone where you can have a frank and honest discussion. DO NOT have kids with him until you get this worked you. You are both too young to be having this challenge. No, this is not normal.
Author knh Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 That story of having you wait in the other room while he finished up when you were dating was a big clue as to how he looks at the whole thing. He put the porn first, not you. He continues to do that. He showed you who he was in that regard, and you married him. Trying to change him would be quite a battle. I agree. That is my fault for not recognizing the red flag in the first place. I've always heard that porn was a normal part of a guys life and I didn't recognize the problem until it became a huge issue.
Author knh Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 I do love him more than anyone and I want this to work. I've found some groups online for him to get support while we're separated. If he doesn't show improvement during this time apart, I think we'll have to find happiness without each other. He had me put a block on his phone, so I think that's a positive step.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I've tried everything I could think of to try to spice things up to be his personal porn star. Honestly, I like 'dirty sex' compared to 'making love', to make a distinction. I like to be spanked, I like multiple positions, I've tried wearing things, bought toys, etc. I've even sacrificed my own orgasm thinking that might help take some pressure off of him, if he felt any. Nothing has worked, he always reverts back to porn. I asked him once to put something on that he wanted to watch while we had sex, he didn't want to. I don't know if there's a reason for that...if he was embarrassed, if he'd be distracted...I don't know. I've been angry in my approaches, I've also been calm and told him how much he is hurting me. Nothing gets through to him. Heart to hearts have lead me right back to square one. My tone was going to be one thing, in response, but based on the start of that last paragraph, I am intrigued. First of all, you don't really describe what it is you want, in terms of a most ideal direction, in all this. Do you want that trial separation? Or do you want to somehow find the excitement again and rekindle the relationship?? I like the glimmer of hope I sense in his having not wanted to put on any porn while you had sex. That suggests that you may do very well to do whatever it takes to gain intimate acceptance into his porn viewing world. In the best scenario, you would lose your inhibitions about the porn, and really strive to reach a point where you are allowed to be party to his use and even climax as the result of the porn. (side note: I just had a nightmare of a sort. I pondered briefly what it would be like to watch the remnants of 'porn' with my female partner if all of the women depicted were fully dressed and accessorized. It would be an unending festival of "Waaaaaaaait!!! Lets stop the tape, and click over here, to see where she got those boots, and that handbag!!!" . (so thank God more than ever before that the women in porn are so often stark naked)) IF indeed your guy loves girl-on-girl porn, the worst case scenario from this becoming clear to you is probably that he might eventually express a wish to see you having sex with another woman. Nothing says you ever have to agree to such a thing - but to know that about your guy, as far as it being an idea which turns him on, couldn't hurt, particularly in relation to where you are now. So I know women just love to perceive every guy who ever looked at porn to be looking only because he wants HIS present-day partner to have some physical traits in common with his particular porn interests. But what if, instead... the appeal is more about each having their own unique fingerprint, in terms of physical traits, and each being/seeming perfectly comfortable about her own uniquenesses? (the one who always seems least comfortable - is the one outside of the closed bedroom door - c'mon knh - make it your goal to prove me inaccurate!!) (I'm all for reading your future report to the contrary!) Something in all of this needs to inspire you toward making it your sincere goal to gain acceptance and access to the inner sanctum of your husband's porn interests. That entails letting him be himself in your company. If you are really in this relationship for keeps, then that as an alternative has to be better than letting him be BY himself. So grant him immunity... and then cause yourself to be allowed in there, right in front of the porn, and open to just about anything (within legal bounds, lets say)... in the way of really getting to know the man you married. It's OK, too... unless you'd prefer that trial separation??
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I do love him more than anyone and I want this to work. I've found some groups online for him to get support while we're separated. If he doesn't show improvement during this time apart, I think we'll have to find happiness without each other. He had me put a block on his phone, so I think that's a positive step. I hadn't read this far upon posting... now I at least have your words relating to what you want. Based on this, latest post, however, I think you might as well write yourself a one-way ticket out of there.
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