I think I may be in trouble.

[ComingInHot]

Agent,

Consider what YOU are doing to spur the young lady into doing something with you that will scar her young life forever!!!

My husband cheated at forty w/a chick half his age. She was young pretty and foolish and was flattered by how strongly my H flirted w/her.

Then when he dumped her because he "realized" what he stood to lose, she went off the deep end and came after ME!!

It has taken this woman YEARS to get over what she & my H did.

She lost her job

She wasted years

She missed opportunities

She got into legal trouble

 

Meanwhile, my H suffered and still worries I will "repay" him in kind as I am (in H's eyes) Very attractive too!

 

Reverse your scenario. How would You feel if you found your Wife on here spouting the same "dilemma".

 

Agent, be a Real Man! Be the head of your family. Their Protector. The one they honor, respect, admire, and will someday want to be like.

 

Are you a man your kids should model?

[katielee]

he flirted with her, complimented her, took her out for lunch and fantasized about her... this is A LOT different than simply noticing someone. Agent is about to step off the ledge. Tell your wife!

I told my husband three weeks into an EA and it was still TOO LATE!

Seriously, affairs are addicting and you'll need to be gobsmacked to stop. you're probably already there. Tell your wife!

[ComingInHot]

Katilee,

That really is fast! And you did come clean*

 

I birds we will have to waif and see what kind of a man Agent really is and how His actions w/young n' yummy will shape how he thinks His Children should treat their spouses one day*

[katielee]

cominginhot: yes I told him and then I took the affair underground. He knows about that as well. that was 3.5 years ago and we're still "enjoying" the fallout from my affair including two revenge affairs by him.

don't go down this route, Agent.

[Aenigme]

cominginhot: yes I told him and then I took the affair underground. He knows about that as well. that was 3.5 years ago and we're still "enjoying" the fallout from my affair including two revenge affairs by him.

don't go down this route, Agent.

 

I am new to this forum and this quote from katielee is by far the most eye opening so I just had to respond. Revenge is the worst!!! If you get divorced, you lose a ton (alimony, house loss, sharing kids) but if you stay, you'll probably be living like katielee which might even be worse than the money loss.

 

I say if your wife is that horrid, leave her. Don't be stuck for the kids. They'll get it eventually. Mine did.

 

Don't take away HER choice!!!! If you cheat, you take away her right as an adult to make up her own mind.

 

Before you think I'm all high and mighty, I've been on both sides of the coin. And I'm a woman and paid alimony. It sucks either way, cheating on husband, being cheated on by the fiancée I cheated on the husband with.

 

I have a wonderful man now. I live right, will never hurt him, have been hurt, learning to work through our growing together. I will never put anyone through what I've been through and will never be cheated on again.

 

I'll tell you something. That awesome man who loved me and caused my marriage breakup ended up a TOAD. He looked great at the time but once the mystery was gone, the knight was unveiled and real life set it, he was just a toad. Husband was a porn addict alcoholic so at least it pushed me to leave. Either way, anyone who is willing to cheat with you on your wife IS a toad. You just don't know it yet. That or she's wanting to file a sexual harassment claim and make some money....

[Betterthanthis13]

Tell your wife/ don't tell your wife? A lot of different opinions so far on that one.

 

You recognize you have a problem, you are struggling with your feelings, and you are flirting with disaster.

 

Your wife should, at the very least, be aware of THAT, right? You are off balance and having a major problem that could potentially destroy your marriage, affecting both of you permanently, as well as your children.

 

Perhaps she should be informed that there is a storm brewing?

 

Maybe there is a way you can talk to her about your struggle without divulging all the nitty gritty details if that is what is preventing you from talking to her, so you can work together to get your marriage to a strong enough place that it is protected from this potential problem before it is too late?

 

This girl isn't the only pretty girl who will ever work in your office. Something needs to be addressed at home even if all seems well- it can't possibly be, something is off- it doesn't have to be a falling apart disaster to be a little bit not right, and make you more aware of and vulnerable to outsiders

 

In my opinion you should be honest and talk to her about everything, but if that is not possible, at the very least let her know you are feeling restless and distracted and would like to work on building intimacy in your marriage. Then follow through with those plans and transfer your desk to a different location and start packing your lunch.

[janedoe67]

" Honey, I love you and I care about our marraige, so I need to talk with you honestly about something.

 

Awhile back this woman started working in our office. I don't know why, but for some reason I became attracted to her, and though I know none of us are immune to noticing that someone is attractive, instead of just dismissing it I really got fixated on it and let myself get this big crush on her. I have flirted with her a lot and the other day we went to lunch. I haven;t fallen in love with her and we haven't had physical contact, but I KNOW this is a threat to our marriage, and I do not want to do anything to betray you. My desire is to rid myself of this silly crush and focus my energy on you and us. I want you to know I am so sorry I chose to indulge my thoughts and flirt instead of using self-control. I wanted you to know because you deserve to know and because I want to be accountable for my actions. I have already decided that I need to avoid all interaction with this woman except for absolutely unavoidable business only interaction. I pr0mise to never be alone with her or talk with her in a flirtatious manner. I offer you my complete transparency, and I welcome you to come by and us go to lunch or just drop by my office any time you want. I want you to feel safe, and I want you to know I am totally committed to you.

 

I commit to you that I will grow up and direct my attention on us. I'd like us to spend some quality time together and increase our intimacy. Again, I am sorry for choosing to indulge this, and it stops here. Is there anything I can do for you to help you feel more safe about this situation?"

 

THAT is what you say to her, and then you accept her reaction with loving grace and follow through.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Agent, here's something that will help you immensely. Imagine this person you are attracted to in revolting situations. You know the things that would really gross you out. Let all of your senses explore the fantasy; visuals, odors, sounds, etc! Play it up and begin doing this whenever your mind (or eyes) is taking a little detour down her alley at work! It's simple and it works!

[Mycteria]

I think you should tell your wife. I've seen a lot of posts on here where married people developed crushes and telling the spouse usually resulted in that crush completely disappearing. Your wife might be a little hurt but after the dust settles she'll appreciate your honesty. And it's a whole lot less pain than having an affair would have caused.

[Agent73]

Wow! Genuinely didn't expect this level of interest. There's a lot of stuff here, some of it helpful some not-so. I re-read my second post and realised that I'd mistakenly left one bit of information out, I didn't go to lunch with her on my own, I went with a mutual friend.

 

Anyhow, I took yesterday afternoon off work and met a close and trusted friend. He has had an affair (brief) and is in counselling. His wife doesn't know about his affair. I'm the only one who does.

 

Despite this I had no idea it had affected him quite so much. He told me that he's come to terms with his stupidity. In no uncertain terms he told me that, should I go down this route it will eat me up from the inside. He knows me, he knows I'm a 'good man' and that I do love my kids & wife dearly.

 

Nothing will happen with this girl and nothing ever will. I like the attention (who wouldn't) and she is amazingly attractive but, as people have pointed out, the price I would pay is just too high. I do need to grow up. I do need to sort myself out and I do need to find a way to deal with this.

 

Nothing has happened between me & her and I'm determined that nothing will. She is great. She is beautiful. She is young. But then my wife is great. My wife is beautiful and my wife is the one person in this world that I never want to hurt.

 

There are a metric tonne of issues around this that I need to deal with and my friend has recommended a counsellor to me. My hope is that this is just a crisis and that I'm just being a massive cliché.

[Agent73]

I should also say that I am going to talk to my wife. Not about the girl, it wouldn't help. Things aren't right between us and that needs to change.

 

One upshot of this is that the girl at work has inspired me to be better. I am 40 this year as I said and, so far, I have little to show for my life outside my wonderful family. The dent I've made in this life is non-existent. That is going to change. I am going to sort myself out and do more 'things' but it will be for my wife and for my children and for me... Not for the cute girl at work.

[whichwayisup]

I've been flirting with her outrageously and even thrown many (what I would think are) obvious compliments her way. The more I find out about her the more exciting she becomes.

 

BOUNDRIES! Where are they?

 

See, you've allowed this to happen. You've been flirting with her, trying to get her attention. Ego feed??!! I think so. If you don't stop you're gonna become the office gossip and people will see you as "that" guy who is a pig and cheats on his wife and 2 children. Your reputation IS at risk too.

 

You're married, have kids and a life built with your wife. DO you really want to mess that up all for a new hot young lady in your office?

 

You're willingly chasing her. Why?

 

It's selfish what you're doing. And it'll only lead to trouble, NO good can come of this.. You know this otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

[Janesays]

This is what I would do...

 

No more lunches. I don't care if everyone in the office is there. YOU should not be. The more you see this woman 'outside' of work, the more you will talk, twist every jewel that comes out of her mouth as charming, and become more and more obsessed. She becomes more 'real' and 'perfect' the more you get to know her. Don't talk to this woman unless you have too....and even then, keep it dry and clinical. If she's not asking people in the office why you seem to dislike her, you're not doing it right. I repeat: TREAT HER LIKE YOU VAGUELY DISLIKE HER. Nothing outright mean or rude that will get you in trouble at work. Just slightly distasteful, bored, distant.

 

Then, every time you catch yourself staring at her or even thinking about her, I want you to go to your computer and open up a little document that you've saved on your computer titled, "Things I love about my wife."

 

There, you will write a list of qualities she has, memories you have shared together, obstacles you have overcome, secret thoughts and dreams you have had about her, hopes for the future.

 

Every time you look or think about this other woman, you will not only re-read this list in it's entirety, you will add something new.

 

After about 30-60 days, this other woman won't even be a blip on your radar. This self brainwashing has worked with my clients in numerous different scenarios in the past. Do it. Trust me.

[whichwayisup]

I should also say that I am going to talk to my wife. Not about the girl, it wouldn't help. Things aren't right between us and that needs to change.

 

One upshot of this is that the girl at work has inspired me to be better. I am 40 this year as I said and, so far, I have little to show for my life outside my wonderful family. The dent I've made in this life is non-existent. That is going to change. I am going to sort myself out and do more 'things' but it will be for my wife and for my children and for me... Not for the cute girl at work.

 

Sorry that my earlier reply reads harshly. I just don't want to see you make a stupid and selfish mistake and lose what you love so dearly all for a new young woman who has caught your eye.. Too many people just 'go for it' and feel entitled to do as they please, then innocent people get hurt and their lives are turned upside down, never to be the same.

 

DO talk to your wife. Go out more on dates and remember why you fell in love with her! If you put that same flirting energy into your wife instead of that young woman at work, imagine how much more fun it'll be and how great your wife will feel too!

[Dean13]

Every time I see my work crush, ex crush?, still not sure which, I go in the other direction and send my wife a flirty text. Then, I look at the sexy picture I have of her on my phone. Usually works for me.

[Agent73]

Sorry that my earlier reply reads harshly. I just don't want to see you make a stupid and selfish mistake and lose what you love so dearly all for a new young woman who has caught your eye.. Too many people just 'go for it' and feel entitled to do as they please, then innocent people get hurt and their lives are turned upside down, never to be the same.

 

Don't apologise. You hit the nail on the head.

[Agent73]

My earlier reply was also a bit harsh. I hope you are really taking a good look at what you stand to lose. or are you just telling us what you think we want to hear and moving forward with your affair plan? YES I said plan. Don't even try to say "oh, it just happened!" no. it didn't. You made effort to obtain a goal (affair)...

 

So anyway, as I said before......do what you want, you're going to anyway. I just hope we don't see you back here in 6 months crying that your wife left you and won't look back, all for a little girl that didn't really want you, just wanted her own ego stroked. Some women actually enjoy the taking of another woman's husband, it's a game, who's prettier, sexier, more charming, better? Who will win? It's kind of like fishing though, once you catch it, you just throw the dumb bastard back.

 

Can I just give you a small tidbit of information that I learned along my personal path of hell? I hope you really chew on it too.

Most relationships last 2 - 5 years - why? because that's when the "in love" feelings fade, and they ALWAYS fade, no matter who, no matter what. It's not the "in love" feelings that keep a married couple together it's loyalty and commitment, it's a bond shared. So just know that you can leave your marriage for this young hot thing and it will be great for awhile but it WILL fade just like your marriage did, then what? Will you look to the next young hot thing in your view? You may be 45 by then. Look at what you have at home. How many men are searching for what you already have?

 

Again, don't apologise for sounding harsh. Maybe harsh is what I need. I'm definitely not saying what needs to be said, I intend to follow through with it. I WILL NOT LET MYSELF FALL FOR THIS GIRL. It's not going to happen. I wanted her, I still do to an extent but I have too much and too many great things in my wife & kids to risk it. I will talk to my wife (not about the girl) and will get myself some help (not just for this). I intend to get back to myself and not this idiot I seem to have become.

 

Thanks and again, harsh is sometimes good.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm so proud of you! Stay vigilant

 

It would be AWESOME if more people in your position would reach out to talk to someone before things get out of hand.

 

Guys like this are what I have in mind when I go rambling on with wacko ideas about society and the media and promoting polyamory and causing a ruckus with the Ashley Madison website. Not causing trouble for people who cheat- rather for helping people who are thinking of straying do something about it before they get on the downward spiral of an affair.

[HopingAgain]

You did a good thing in posting this, Agent. You may inspire more who are on the edge of the cliff, to turn around and choose life again, instead of taking a plunge that there is no return from.

 

Wishing strength and happiness for you and your famiily!

[Artie Lang]

dude, she's 23 and you're 40. if you really believe you're gonna make a life with this kid, you're delusional.

 

for her, this is only a fling with an older man..... nothing more. she will move on to a younger lad in no time, while you stand to lose EVERYTHING.

 

think about it.

[Nyla]

My husband and I were having some problems and there was this sexy man at work. This man would flirt with me relentlessly and he once whispered about lovemaking in my ear during lunch. I stayed away from him and even posted a thread about it. I knew that my marriage and my vows meant far more than empty sex with some handsome fool.

 

You should not have had lunch with your crush. What if those younger guys hadn't showed up and she offered to get a hotel room for the two of you? It seems like if those boys had not been at lunch, you would have gone further with this young woman.

 

It sounds like you may be having a midlife crisis.

Edited July 21, 2013 by Nyla

[Steadfast]

You crossed a boundary you should never ever have crossed..*snip*...See I don't think you get it and so you will do it again.

 

If it wasn't for the co*k blocking it probably would have happened. How many affairs were started by experimenting or 'dipping a toe' in the water? Most? "I didn't mean for it to go so far!" "It just happened!" Ugh.

 

Cheating begins in the head, the rest just follows along. You cheated because you have absolutely no intention of telling your wife, which is the very definition of cheating. Now when Miss Thang is near you placate yourself by running off or looking at a sexy picture of your wife. What if you had an even sexier picture of someone sexier? Fact: you're clueless.

 

You lack confidence, are immature and suffer with low self esteem. This isn't about what you want, it's all about what you think you're missing.

[janedoe67]

I would like you to think very hard and very honestly about why you are NOT going to tell your wife the truth about your conscious choice to cross boundaries with another woman. I know they whole "why unnecessarily hurt her" mantra sounds really PC...but I suspect if you are honest, it has more to do with avoiding consequences and self-protection.

 

And I gotta say, hiding a flirtation with your wife and then saying you plan to talk to her about what needs to change in your marriage (i.e. I'm not gonna tell her I flirted with the idea of adultery but I AM gonna try to get her to do a better job being my wife) sounds supremely selfish and entitled.

[Betterthanthis13]

About the boundaries thing Steadfast just mentioned- it would be wise to really examine that issue.

 

You did break a boundary, and are choosing to actively deceive your wife about the details of the situation.

 

Why is that important?

 

Because now that you have rationalized this behavior as "ok", it becomes normal. It becomes a baseline for your ethics. So if in the future something else happens,in your subconscious it's now "ok" for you to flirt a little, not tell wife, focus on the marriage, and go back to normal.

 

That's like a line of bad programming in a computer program.

 

The danger is when you are faced with a new choice- the new choice may now seem "not as bad" because the baseline has been changed. So you re-write your program again if no terrible consequences from the first choice/justification cycle have been experienced. And so on and so on until one day you wake up and exclaim "how the hell did I get here?"

 

So really think long and hard about what is ok-what is your ethical baseline when it comes to deceiving your wife and flirting with girls?

 

What would you want your wife to do in this same predicament?

 

Only you can answer these questions- and they deserve some time, thought, and critical thinking analysis.

[BetrayedH]

I'm torn about wanting to give you positive reinforcement for your newfound determination and wanting to reinforce the tone of the previous posters.

 

The fact is that you've crossed a boundary (regardless of any rationalizations that it was "just lunch"). This needs to be a huge red flag and wake-up call. Where the other posters are most correct is that your decision to further deceive your wife is reinforcing what you might call, wayward behavior. Poor decisions are born of good intentions and a lack of courage. Do you believe that you can have real marriage counseling but avoid this topic? Who benefits from your lies about it? Will hiding it build your intimacy or preclude it?

 

You need to be looking more deeply into living an honest and authentic life for the sake of yourself, your wife, and your marriage. Don't keep walls between you. Do you think your wife expects that you don't have attraction to others? She loves you, married you, and knows you are human. What she will respect most is if you can be honest and vulnerable about your flaws with her so that she feels that it is a real partnership where it is the two of you against the world.

 

As for your work friend, I again encourage you to get the book, Not Just Friends. You are in an early cycle of a behavior similar to addiction. It doesn't go away just because of a bout of determination. You need to be digging deep about why this woman's potential attention would cause to risk so much. Why do you need validation from her? Why do you need more than your wife provides? What tools and resources will you employ to better handle temptation and boundaries? To be brief, you need to study up. Reading a book is a pretty minimal investment. What I guarantee, is that doing so will completely change your view on any potential affair with this woman. You will stop romanticizing it and will instead simply view her as a threat to your marriage.

 

Good luck.