I think I may be in trouble.

[Agent73]

Hi all. Newbie here.

As the title says, I think I may be in trouble. I'm becoming mildly obsessed with an inappropriate woman at work. I'm turning 40 this year, am married (to a woman who I love dearly) and have two awesome kids of 2 & 4 All told I'm a very happy man. Or at least I should be.

About 6 weeks ago now I came back to the office from a family holiday and saw this new girl. Corny I know but she took my breath away there and then. She's young, just 23, and devastatingly beautiful. I've been flirting with her outrageously and even thrown many (what I would think are) obvious compliments her way. The more I find out about her the more exciting she becomes.

I'm not 'falling in love' with her. At least I don't think I am. But I just can't get her out of my head. I find myself hoping that I'll bump in to her in the kitchen at work or that we'll pass on the steps. We get on really well and she never backs away from me or my rather pathetic compliments.

Sometimes I catch her looking at me, or we'll talk and she'll be watching my mouth or staring into my eyes so intently that I have to really hold back from reaching out to touch her neck or her face.

As I said I love my wife and kids dearly, I cried this morning when they slept thinking what life would be like if I lost them or hurt them. I've not cried in years. But I'm scared. This woman has got me hook, line & sinker. I'm scared of what would happen if I caved.

 

There is no real solution to this I know. I work with her (I can see her from my desk) and that's not going to change anytime soon. I also am fully aware that I need to just be strong. Be a man and drop it. Trouble is that I always come back to how much I want her.

 

Like I said, I think I'm in trouble.

[Philosoraptor]

What means more to you... a chance at this woman or what you have at home with your wife and family?

 

If it's the latter than you need to keep it professional with her and concentrate on the consequences of your actions. If you try anything with this woman you could lose your family, your job (depending on the rules there), your self respect, and your entire life would surely be in shambles.

 

Right now you need to limit your time spent with her, looking at her, and thinking about her. Do not put yourself in a position where you will be alone with her. Hell, stab yourself with a pin every time you think or look at her in an unprofessional manner... a little classical conditioning might do you well here. This little crush will fade in time as long as you let it.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hi all. Newbie here.

As the title says, I think I may be in trouble. I'm becoming mildly obsessed with an inappropriate woman at work. I'm turning 40 this year, am married (to a woman who I love dearly) and have two awesome kids of 2 & 4 All told I'm a very happy man. Or at least I should be.

About 6 weeks ago now I came back to the office from a family holiday and saw this new girl. Corny I know but she took my breath away there and then. She's young, just 23, and devastatingly beautiful. I've been flirting with her outrageously and even thrown many (what I would think are) obvious compliments her way. The more I find out about her the more exciting she becomes.

I'm not 'falling in love' with her. At least I don't think I am. But I just can't get her out of my head. I find myself hoping that I'll bump in to her in the kitchen at work or that we'll pass on the steps. We get on really well and she never backs away from me or my rather pathetic compliments.

Sometimes I catch her looking at me, or we'll talk and she'll be watching my mouth or staring into my eyes so intently that I have to really hold back from reaching out to touch her neck or her face.

As I said I love my wife and kids dearly, I cried this morning when they slept thinking what life would be like if I lost them or hurt them. I've not cried in years. But I'm scared. This woman has got me hook, line & sinker. I'm scared of what would happen if I caved.

 

There is no real solution to this I know. I work with her (I can see her from my desk) and that's not going to change anytime soon. I also am fully aware that I need to just be strong. Be a man and drop it. Trouble is that I always come back to how much I want her.

 

Like I said, I think I'm in trouble.

 

Agent...

 

Welcome and please heed my advice before you slip and blow your life up.

 

What you are experiencing CAN be stopped cold. You will miss is (like a drug) but that too will pass in a couple days, if you treat it like a drug.

 

Firstly, what you are experiencing is not magic, it's biology. Chemistry designed to replicate the species. That's all. Not some destiny or once in a lifetime connection. Fact. Affairs happen because people let that interfere with their real life.

 

So how do you do it? Plan a sex filled romantic weekend with your wife, soon like tomorrow. Start today focusing all your romance on her. Loving, romantic text messages, snuggle, hold hands, kiss, call her on the phone.

 

Get picture of your kids and wife on your desk. Put a sticky on your computer that says NO, you know what that means, stop looking at her, stop talking to her, for goodness sakes be professional and stop flirting. Do not allow yourself to be alone with her.

 

Read the infidelity and divorce sections here, or other forums on surviving infidelity and internalize the pain you will be inflicting on your wife if you keep on.

 

Betrayed spouses say the pain is so intense that it feels like someone gutted them. And worse of all, that person is someone who says they love them. She will likely never believe you love her if you cheat. Do you WANT to be THAT GUY?

 

You are on the fork in the road, which road do you take?

 

To the left is a hot young chick, and destruction of your family, part time custody of your children, splitting of the financials, your friends will likely drop you cause people hate cheaters, your wife will hate you, but will move on and marry some other guy who will move in and be a family with your wife and children.

 

To the right is your family your wife and children.

Chose wisely.

 

Protect your marriage and family. Be a warrior for them!

[waterwoman]

Wow! A beautiful young woman? In the workplace? Who'd have thought it?

 

Sorry but so what? The world is full of desirable people. Step away and give yourself a virtual slap everytime you think of her. Don't wallow in it.

[Agent73]

So she invited me out for lunch today. Like I say, I think there's an element of mutual attraction there, and I went. Thankfully something happened that may have given me a bit of a much-needed kick. Some guys came and sat near us. Younger, better-looking guys, and she exchanged a few looks. At first I was genuinely a bit jealous. (Idiot.) Then I realised, she's young, they're young. What the **** am I doing.

Your responses have been great. I didn't think I'd get such measured responses but thanks.

 

Can't say that one thing has solved it but, along with the sense here, it has helped.

 

Funny huh?

[katielee]

tell your wife all of this, including the fact that you two went to lunch....

and then re-read It-is-what-it-is's post again....

[will1988]

as they say, don't schidt where you eat... don't fornicate where you work. You have a good wife. Don't ruin things for a fleeting chance of a quick / cheap thrill.

[2sure]

Tell me about your wife. Why you love her, why you like her, how you enjoy her company, what kind of partner she is. Tell me .

[jphcbpa]

tell your wife all of this, including the fact that you two went to lunch....

and then re-read It-is-what-it-is's post again....

 

bad idea...do not tell her. he is telling us. agent, do you have a trusted man in your life that you can share this with? you need to find a man or group of men you trust with your life that you can treat as "your other woman". what can you learn from this? this is happening for a reason, for you to learn a lesson here. find out what that is. this is not about her, it is about you. you need to search yourself out here.

[janedoe67]

tell your wife all of this, including the fact that you two went to lunch....

and then re-read It-is-what-it-is's post again....

 

THIS

 

Several years ago I began having similar "crushy" feelings about a co-worker. We even were stupid enough to talk about said feelings. I was advised by someone NOT to tell my husband, and of course since I didn't want to, I readily heeded that advice. A little while later I was in a physical affair with him.

 

Talk to your wife now. But thick walls between you and this woman. And give all of your energy to working on a great marriage with your wife.

[Thegameoflife]

Don't tell your wife. Putting bad thoughts in her head won't get a good result.

 

You've already made your decision to sleep with her, so why are you telling us?

[dichotomy]

Beyond the fact that there is some instant "physical connection" with a hot young gal... (at least for you anyway) what this all about?

 

Is there something missing in your life? (I mean beyond hot sex with a woman half your age..I get that)

[aliveagain]

Tell your wife, you can't have secrets from her, you can't hide feelings that affect your relationship, how can you both assess the health of your marriage if she's not part of it. Your becoming selfish, your taking her choice away and that's the start of the end. You can fix this but you have to be honest with her.

[BetrayedH]

Lots of good advice here (including sharing with your wife). She is your best friend and partner in life. She's dedicated more to you than anyone else in life. True intimacy comes from breaking down any and all walls between you. It's terribly difficult advice to follow because it takes courage. Rest assured, that's the one thing that cheaters lack. I encourage you to find it.

 

Similar to what another poster said, I encourage you to envision a stop sign every time that you find yourself romanticizing a relationship with this woman. Force yourself to redirect your thoughts. I encourage you to redirect them to your wife. Your choices: (1) Envision the look on your wife's face when she realizes that the ones person who took vows to protect her is the one that lied to her and betrayed her worse than anyone OR (2) Spend the next 5-10 minutes dedicated to your wife - send her a flirty text, make a reservation, plan to pick up flowers, etc.. Imagine how much life with your wife could improve if you took all that mental "affair" energy and put it towards her.

 

But much of this is pretty basic stuff. You need to dig deep within yourself to determine "why" you would consider such an illogical, unethical, destructive choice that goes against your own standards. Engaging in this fantasy will solve nothing; you have an ethical choice to either fix your marriage or leave it; it will destroy your family; and you will have sold your integrity for a quick thrill. Why would you consider such a thing? Individual counseling is a wise thing (at least, it's a bit wiser than getting advice from random internet posters).

 

My biggest suggestion is for you to get the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. She paints a remarkable picture of how affairs start and how they proceed thru one small broken boundary after another. It starts with "innocent" flirting, progresses to an "innocent" lunch, investing a lot of time and energy into the fantasy such that when that business party or trip comes up, you toss your whole life away for it. So many claim that "it just happened" but the truth is that a million small boundaries were crossed and rationalized as innocent. Don't fall into this trap. Read the book; learn about maintaining effective boundaries. It also paints a remarkable picture of what this can do to your life, and the lives of your wife and kids. You need to start looking at this differently. Personally, I think that book should be required reading when being issued a marriage certificate.

Edited July 19, 2013 by BetrayedH

[aliveagain]

So she invited me out for lunch today. Like I say, I think there's an element of mutual attraction there, and I went. Thankfully something happened that may have given me a bit of a much-needed kick. Some guys came and sat near us. Younger, better-looking guys, and she exchanged a few looks. At first I was genuinely a bit jealous. (Idiot.) Then I realised, she's young, they're young. What the **** am I doing.

Your responses have been great. I didn't think I'd get such measured responses but thanks.

 

Can't say that one thing has solved it but, along with the sense here, it has helped.

 

Funny huh?

 

 

Imagine the same scenario except it's your wife that is having feelings for another man and than acts on it, she went and met him for lunch, would you want to know? Probably, you'd want the opportunity to stop her destructive behavior and find out what issues exist that allowed her to put your family at risk. Tell her.

[janedoe67]

Tell your wife. No more lunches!

[veryhappy]

ExMM turned 40 soon after we started the affair.

 

Take your middle life crisis to therapy.

[BetrayedH]

Let's say you manage to have sex with this young woman. What is then the best possible outcome?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Such good advice, such different perspectives. Have you read them?

 

One thing I want to add, in this forum and others and the books on infidelity (like not just friends) everyone, literally everyone has a story like yours details are different but basic stuff the same.

 

At some point people snap out of it, they take the right path, they choose their family or they chose to feed their need and chose the left, and those that choose the left, well they wish they has chosen the right.

 

Even when there are marriage ending problems those people wish they had not taken that step and opened the door. Because in addition to the unimaginable pain they cause their family and children, they compromise their integrity. Some of those people have added their comments here.

 

After all that was said here about the pain it will cause your wife you still did it?

You should not have gone out to lunch alone with her. You crossed a boundary you should never ever have crossed. It's a slippery slope. What could you have been hoping for but to start an affair? If she puts on all her charms now are you going to br flattered and respond? This didn't happen because she was flirty with others, NOT because you are committed to your vows, your commitment, your family and your wife. See I don't think you get it and so you will do it again. A person who drives drunk but doesn't cause an accident is just lucky, not sober.

 

Investment in your marriage and giving love and romance to your wife is where you should be investing.

 

So personal story.

 

I have been married 30 years, never cheated. Do you THINK I have not had my head turned by some hot young studly guy? Do you THINK that there is no temptation??? Of course I have been tempted. I had a little crush, but realized oh hell, this is BAD BAD BAD. So I looked for things to hate about them (hey, it works for me) a day or two and I was cured. My boundaries are solid now and I do not ever give off the I am interested vibe. So it's possible. If you want to.

 

But also, let me put this out there.

 

Your wife, who you "LOVE" so you'd be cool if she's crushing onher insert one (boss, coworker,neighbor, friend) dreams and ponders the pros and cons about having an affair doing the deed. Has a private lunch. Thinks about him all the time. Is obsessed. Not really thinking about you, I mean she loves you and all but this guy is HOT and well you are old news. But this would be cool right? Put yourself there.

 

If you wanna know how that feels to help you with negative reinforcement, ask. There's plenty of folks who can share.

[Philosoraptor]

Let's say you manage to have sex with this young woman. What is then the best possible outcome?

Orgasm?

 

But no orgasm is worth destroying your life.

[oldshirt]

Good Lord people, if I ran home and told my wife every time some young hottie caught my eye and made my heart go flippity-flop and if she ran home and told me every time some young beefcake made her soak her panties, we'd never be able to talk about anything else.

 

The world is full of beautiful people and you'd have to be dead in order to not get a little smitten now and then.

 

I love snickers bars and every time I go to any kind of store they are right there in front of me just begging me to indulge. I dont do it though cause it's just not good for ya and I don't want to cave in and indulge in every craving so I don't.

 

It's no different here. You can't help but notice the cookie jar sitting there full of sweet, tastey cookies and you cant help but to want some now and then. But reaching in and grabbing one and taking a bite is a conscious choice. You can choose to indulge in everything sweet an then deal with obesity, diabetis, tooth decay and a spoiled appetite that ruins your appetite for healthy food or you can walk away from it and save your appetite for a full, healthy meal.

[oldshirt]

And now to Agent 73, Are you the CEO or other super high ranking executive? Are you unusually good looking, well dressed and super fit with a six-pack????

 

If you answered no to two or more of those questions then what makes you think that she sees you as anything more than a friend and fatherly coworker?

 

We all have fantasies and sometimes a little self-delusion can help us have a little fun and help us get through the day but do you honestly think this gal is going to go for you and ride off into the sunset with you?????

 

If you were to put your hormones aside for a moment and really look at the situation logically, if you were to make an actual offer would she actually take you up on it or would she go, "EEEEWWWWWWWW! :-O "

 

Yes, 40 year guys do bang 23 year old chicks from time to time (been there, done that a few times myself in my swinging days and it is an ego boost) but 99% of the time it is either a gal checking off her older man card at best or is someone with serious daddy issues or even a true gold digger looking for a sugar daddy at worst.

 

Unless you are a fit, good looking, charismatic executive that has young gals hitting on you all the time normally (in which case you would already have a little harem of honnies on the side and you wouldn't be conflicted about it and looking for advice here), this gal is likely just personable and friendly towards you and is not actually trying to get you into the sack.

 

if you keep trying to sniff up this tree you not only risk damaging your marriage and family but you also risk looking like a creepy old man and an old fool in front of your coworkers. You also risk sexual harassment accusations and getting into trouble at work and damaging your carreer.

 

All of us middle aged guys have been there. Enjoy the rush and appreciate that you are still alive but don't let your little head out think your big head. Some times our hormones make us see things that simply arent there. Don't risk what is real for a fantasy that may be a hormone-induced delusion.

Edited July 19, 2013 by oldshirt

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Good Lord people, if I ran home and told my wife every time some young hottie caught my eye and made my heart go flippity-flop and if she ran home and told me every time some young beefcake made her soak her panties, we'd never be able to talk about anything else

.

 

Yep.

 

The world is full of beautiful people and you'd have to be dead in order to not get a little smitten now and then.

 

Yep, just don't do anything about it.

 

I love snickers bars and every time I go to any kind of store they are right there in front of me just begging me to indulge. I dont do it though cause it's just not good for ya and I don't want to cave in and indulge in every craving so I don't.

 

It's no different here. You can't help but notice the cookie jar sitting there full of sweet, tastey cookies and you cant help but to want some now and then. But reaching in and grabbing one and taking a bite is a conscious choice. You can choose to indulge in everything sweet an then deal with obesity, diabetis, tooth decay and a spoiled appetite that ruins your appetite for healthy food or you can walk away from it and save your appetite for a full, healthy meal.

 

Yep...key here is eating a good ol HOME COOKED MEAL, AT HOME. Just sayin.

[dichotomy]

It does not matter where you get your appetite, as long as you always eat at home?

[janedoe67]

This is not a hottie catching someone's eye. He is obsessing over her, purposely flirting with her, and having lunch together. If you can't see the differencing between that and noticing someone is attractive, then there's a problem.