Mycteria Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 My boyfriend recently spoke to an old friend of his, who invited him on a skiing trip to Canada in January. My boyfriend said he wants to go. I was a little hurt by this because we had been talking about taking a vacation soon, and he only has enough vacation days at his job for one vacation. We have been dating 5 months, and it's a serious relationship. On one hand I feel like I have no right to say what he uses his vacation days for. But on the other hand I'm a little hurt that based on one phone call, he would decide to forget about all the ideas we had for a vacation and decide I go with his guy friends instead. (No, I would not be able to go on this vacation). How would you feel?
InsaneTrombone Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I'd feel bummed for sure. Have you spoken to him and told him how you feel?
Els Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Welcome back, Mycteria. I think it's quite understandable that you'd be hurt, especially since this means you won't be able to go on vacation with him at all this year. I've been on vacation without the bf, but that's only because I was an undergrad then and had many more vacation days than he did. If it came down to having to ration vacation days, I wouldn't have gone. On the other hand, 5 months... well. It's true that you can't judge the commitment of a relationship solely by the duration, but it is rather early to be expecting him to turn down an old friend for you at that stage. Just IMO. So, I guess I'm really on the fence here.
Author Mycteria Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Welcome back, Mycteria. I think it's quite understandable that you'd be hurt, especially since this means you won't be able to go on vacation with him at all this year. I've been on vacation without the bf, but that's only because I was an undergrad then and had many more vacation days than he did. If it came down to having to ration vacation days, I wouldn't have gone. On the other hand, 5 months... well. It's true that you can't judge the commitment of a relationship solely by the duration, but it is rather early to be expecting him to turn down an old friend for you at that stage. Just IMO. So, I guess I'm really on the fence here. Thanks And yeah, I agree with everything you said. We've known each other for a year and we spend almost every night together and all our free time together so it "feels" like its been longer than it has. He's so perfect in almost every way (which is why this is the first relationship I've ever been in that I haven't posted to LS about some huge problem...ha). And there's the fact that by the time he goes, we'll have been dating for a year and it will probably hurt even worse by then. Plus I don't really have anyone else I can vacation with. None of my friends would be able to afford a "real" vacation. So some part of it is jealousy, I'm sure. Jealousy that if he doesn't take a vacation with me then I probably won't get one for a long time. The only other person I would vacation with is my sister, and she is taking a 3 week cross country road trip with her boyfriend during a time that I can't go. (Cue more jealousy). InsaneTrombone: no, I haven't said anything yet. He's super intuitive and always knows when something has upset me though. Pretty sure he will bring it up at some point.
Els Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Ah, I see. In that case, I think you should just tell him how you feel. There's little point in waiting for him to 'sense' it. By the time that happens, he might have finalized plans and paid already, then it will be infeasible to change anything.
Author Mycteria Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 I know, I just don't feel like I have any right to be upset. He's worked hard for his vacation days and he should decide how to use them without my pressure. I probably wouldn't even be able to afford a vacation anyway. I had to switch jobs when we got serious (I worked under him) and basically lost all my savings in the process. It's not his fault, it is what it is. But I'd hate to ask him not to go and then us not be able to take a vacation at all anyway. I guess there is really no solution to my problem.
Els Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 He should and will decide for himself, yes. But by telling him your feelings, you're not making a decision for him (unless you go to extremes and start throwing out ultimatums, which I would heartily advise against). You're just allowing him to make an informed decision. Don't ask him not to go. Just tell him you hoped to be able to spend his vacation days with him, and accept his decision after that. 2
dasein Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 You aren't being unreasonable, but how far you can press it depends on the extent and firmness of the plans you two had made. If they were very vague and at an early talking stage, would just let this one slide if everything is happy otherwise. He will appreciate your being cool and understanding about it, or should if he's worth your time. Maybe position it in a playful way as "well you owe me a long weekend because I was looking forward to us taking a trip with your vacation days," and gauge the response. You might get a surprise short trip or somesuch for being an understanding GF. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I agree with the idea that you should make your concerns and feelings known, in the best way possible. 5 months may or may not be "long" depending how fast things have progressed... in any case, it seems a bit concerning to me, and may indicate any of the following (in no particular order) - He's looking to sleep around (don't assume this or mention it, but still consider it) - He wants a vacation from you - He's not as serious about the relationship as you are - He really wants to do this specific activity and feels that you wouldn't be interested or would be a hindrance to his enjoyment of it If it were me, I would never do #1, but I could see 2, 3, and 4 all happening at once even.
Emilia Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I probably wouldn't even be able to afford a vacation anyway. I had to switch jobs when we got serious (I worked under him) and basically lost all my savings in the process. It's not his fault, it is what it is. But I'd hate to ask him not to go and then us not be able to take a vacation at all anyway. I guess there is really no solution to my problem. That's a pretty big deal in my opinion. He owes you. Quite literally. 1
Lansing Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Firstly Miss_Prisss, Canada is beautiful in January especially for someone who likes skiing I think that you spend every day together is even more reason that a vacation apart isn't a bad idea. You can just tell him that you were hoping to go on vacation with him still and that you were putting aside x amount of money,etc. I was dating a girl that was always broke. She talked about making plans. It at the end of the day never had money and would spend money on things she didnt really need. The fact that she wasn't planning to save that money made me feel like she wasn't serious a out our discussions of road trips,etc. Maybe scale down your expectations of a holiday together. Plan a weekend road trip or an extended 4 day weekend. I don't think your bf is being unreasonable. He can't be expected to wait around for you unless you guys have a solid plan in mind. 1
Emilia Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I was dating a girl that was always broke. She talked about making plans. It at the end of the day never had money and would spend money on things she didnt really need. The fact that she wasn't planning to save that money made me feel like she wasn't serious a out our discussions of road trips,etc. .... but she is broke because she spent her savings when she had to take a different job so they could stay together. She is broke because she sacrificed her finances for their relationship. Don't you feel that puts a different slant on things? 4
Els Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 It seems you're the only one whose had to make large concessions to be in this relationship. You used to work under him so you had to switch jobs in order for you both to continue the relationship - and in the process, you lost all your savings. I'd say that's a HUGE sacrifice you made in order for you two to stay together. I'm surprised he wasn't a little more financially supportive of you during this transition since you had to do it for both of you, not just yourself. Wait, yes, this! I have no idea how I managed to skim over that part. All I saw was that you switched jobs, OP. That was entirely my bad. This changes everything, IMO. But giving him the benefit of the doubt just once - has he done anything to show his appreciation for that? I personally feel that if one person is switching jobs so that he/she can be with the partner, the partner should at the very least finance the switch. But that's just me, and I understand that others will do things differently. That being said, if he hasn't made any similar compromises, this would certainly be a good start. Frankly, in his position, a guy in love would at the very least be wanting to take you on an all-expenses-paid vacation. 2
soccerrprp Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Hmmm, interesting. At first, I agreed to the idea of some that a separate vacation is not a bad idea on "rare" occasions. Sometimes, we simply need our ME time and even getting away from our SO is good, healthy. But.... After reading further, there are some things that I share with others who are a little more concerned about the BF's plans to go on this vacation: 1. It's clear, as others have expressed, that the GF, the OP, has sacrificed much more it seems than the BF for the two of them to be together. This includes monetarily and a cause for her not being able to vacation along 2. It seems unappreciative on the part of the BF to not offer to help pay for a joint vacation or to have helped with the transition months ago 3. If I understand correctly, the OP and BF had already talked about other plans for a vacation, so shouldn't the vacation with old friend take secondary precedence? If not, at least a reasonable conversation should take place. I, for one, do not think that the OP SHOULD be the one to have to bring this up. The BF should have been considerate enough to do so in the first place considering he is the one who is altering plans that had already taken some traction, no? 4. And, oh, did I read right? He wanted you or was okay with you going on vacation with his buddies instead? Other guys? I know you are still not able to go, but, what the heckola is that? Please let me know if I'm off on any of this. I, personally, would never do this to someone who has sacrificed so much for me and I would be a little miffed if it happened to me. 1
iris219 Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Does his vacation in January mean you guys would not be able to vacation together at all in 2013 or 2014? Have you been on a vacation together at all? If not, I think going on vacation with you should be his priority.
soccerrprp Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Does his vacation in January mean you guys would not be able to vacation together at all in 2013 or 2014? Oh, also wanted to address this idea of you two having an abridged or smaller vacation later on... This is, AGAIN, is or would be a compromise(sacrifice) on your part. With everything you have already sacrificed, if he takes this full vacation to be with his buddy w/o you, you again are taking the table scraps of his time and consideration. Ugh, don't want to sound negative about a relationship you feel so good about, but you asked. Just my worthless 2-cents, anyway. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Does his vacation in January mean you guys would not be able to vacation together at all in 2013 or 2014? Have you been on a vacation together at all? If not, I think going on vacation with you should be his priority. Could he not do both?
jphcbpa Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Tell him to have a great time and that you are happy for him. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Tell him to have a great time and that you are happy for him. She could, but, by all accounts, this sentiment would not be genuine.
jphcbpa Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 She could, but, by all accounts, this sentiment would not be genuine. then she needs to work on herself to get to that place. she has time between now and Jan. she will be much happier in that process of getting to that place where she can let go and not take this personally.
Emilia Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 then she needs to work on herself to get to that place. she has time between now and Jan. she will be much happier in that process of getting to that place where she can let go and not take this personally. Have you read the thread?
jphcbpa Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Have you read the thread? yep she knows that she wants to be free of this feeling (jealousy) and happy for him when she said... "I know, I just don't feel like I have any right to be upset. He's worked hard for his vacation days and he should decide how to use them without my pressure. "
Emilia Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 yep she knows that she wants to be free of this feeling (jealousy) and happy for him when she said... "I know, I just don't feel like I have any right to be upset. He's worked hard for his vacation days and he should decide how to use them without my pressure. " Soooo after reading the thread this is what you take away from it? Nothing else regarding the unbalance in the relationship? Perhaps along the lines that yes she does have the right to be upset and in fact she should assert herself more? 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 If he can do both vacations then it's no big deal. However if he can only do one and he chooses to go with the boys, it shows clearly that you are not his priority. And after spending so much time together over 5 months, you really should be. 1
therhythm Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I think at this moment there is a big unbalance on the investment in this relationship between you and your boyfriend. You should have a serious talk with him and let him clear your expectations from this relationship... He can't expect you to be the only one investing in the relationship... relationships are about compromise and he is not taking any step to do that for you. 3
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