ntt Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I’ve had some difficulties getting over a recent breakup. I had been seeing my girlfriend for a period of 11 months and we broke up almost 4 months ago. The relationship was far from perfect. We did not communicate well, and frustrated each other a lot. Both of us had issues in terms of anxiety and depression and neither of us had meaningful friendships outside of our relationship. While the relationship was not great I was drawn to her in a way that I can’t explain. The breakup was mutual - in fact I was the one who actually initiated the breakup. It felt like we were frustrating each other continuously. Towards the end she had also lost interest in physical intimacy. After the breakup she said that she wanted to stay ‘good friends’. I was a bit wary about it, but I did not express this to her. After the breakup I was feeling lonely and friendship for me is a difficult thing to find so I was willing to give it a go. I tried to initiate us meeting up a few times, but we met up just the once in the first few months after the breakup. I was used to initiating things with her and sometimes being dissapointed by her avoidance - while we were together I was often the one initiating things, and this wasn’t something personal to me as it was similar with her other friendships as well. I tried again recently to initiate seeing her another time. She seemed quite avoidant about it and I found out that she had started seeing somebody new. This triggered some feelings in me like anger, and I’m not an angry person. But more worryingly it triggered some obsessional thinking. We met up eventually and cleared the air a bit. I told her I felt that she had moved on quickly and the relationship didn’t mean that much to her. She said that the relationship was meaningful to her and it was the way that she dealt with her feelings - that she blocked off her feelings and tried to move on with her life. She doesn’t seem to be that happy with the new guy that she is seeing, and continues to struggle with issues of her own. She wants to continue trying to be friends. Even though when I met up with her and was upset with her at first, I ended up enjoying seeing her again - I think she’s the only person I can talk to where we can each share our struggles and laugh about things at the same time. While seeing her again helped to clear things up a bit it hasn’t stopped the obsessional thinking. It doesn’t make sense because I know that we did not have a healthy relationship, and I don’t want to get back together with her (although there’s a small part of me which does). There’s a bit of anger I still hold towards her but I can’t really blame her for her actions. There’s a great deal inadequacy I feel because I feel like if I was a bit different the relationship could have worked. I feel inadequate because of the new guy she is seeing even though I know that her new relationship isn’t that great. I imagine seeing them together and it is a painful image. I keep thinking about our relationship - the good times and the bad times. I keep wanting to see her and I have to restrain myself from contacting her. I write messages to her which I end up deleting because I can’t capture what I really want to say to her. I have a feeling the best thing to do is to give up the idea of a friendship and to move on, but I haven’t been able to convince myself yet. I know I need to move on. To meet new people, and not be so reliant on a relationship as the single source of meaning in my life, but I’m finding it really difficult at the moment. Its the combination of the obsessional thinking, the loneliness, and the feelings of inadequacy which are making life tough at the moment. I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for, but at least this post gave me an opportunity to vent my feelings, heh.
itto ogami Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Your head is ahead of your heart. You listened and did the right thing.
D-Lish Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 You can't stay friends with an ex when you're in the state you're in. Often, people suggest remaining friends in order to soften the blow- but it's never a good idea immediately following a break up. If it's ever going to happen in a healthy way- it has to be when both parties are over one another. You are clearly not over your ex, which is why you need to distance yourself from her completely in order to move forward with your life.
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