InsaneTrombone Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 (edited) Met this girl on an online dating website about month and a half ago. We've been on about 5 dates and have done things ranging from making out, dry humping, holding hands in public, kissing, etc etc. I noticed a change in her communication behavior with me the past few weeks and she's been a bit complicated, to say the least. One night I decided enough was enough, I needed to know where this girls head is at, because I didn't know if she was truly into me or just playing mind games. This may have been a bad move on my part but I felt it was something I needed to do, as I'm typically upfront with my feelings. Anyways, after about 4 days of not hearing back from her after asking her if she wanted to get together on X day, I gave her a phone call and left a voicemail simply explaining how I was feeling and that I wanted to know where she was at. She quickly texted me after I called saying she couldn't pick up at the moment but she could text. I just replied saying I left a voicemail and wanted her to listen to it when she got a chance. She responds with 'Ok. Should I be worried?' This is my first issue with this chick. WHY would she send something like that? What does she have to be worried about, when it appears to me she isn't very interested in myself any longer? I reiterate to her just listen to the voicemail and tell her to call me back when she gets a chance that day. She says Okay. Still no phone call by later that night, I get agitated and send her a text saying 'Seriously? Are you for real right now?' She responds just constantly apologizing, saying she didn't know what to say in regards to where we stand. She said she likes seeing me but she doesn't know what she wants and that things are messed up right now. She said she didn't want to say the wrong things. Second issue, you don't know what to say to me so you just DONT respond after you said you would? She was going to completely ignore the fact she said she'd get back to me? At this point, I'm pretty heated and am thinking this girl is VERY inconsiderate. She goes onto say she wasn't trying to ignore me, despite my claims that I felt she was. Said she has been dealing with a lot lately and didn't say anything to me about it because she thought she'd be okay. I tried getting her to tell me what was going on but she would just reply that she's scared and doesn't like talking about things. Before the conversation ends, I ask one more time what does she want and she reiterates she doesn't know. She says this is why she hasn't been talking about it because she doesn't know what to say. I ended the conversation saying something along the lines of, 'Okay look. We can keep talking and seeing eachother and go with the flow and see what happens. Does that sound okay with you?' She says yes. (I kind of regret doing this but we'll see) Three days later, I ask if she wants to see a movie with me on Wednesday. She says 'I'm sorry but I already told my friend I'd go with him to get his first tattoo done.' I said oh too bad, tell me when you're free then. She gets back to me the next morning saying she would let me know her schedule soon. Two days goes by and I send her a text asking if everything was alright. Within a minute she responds that she spent all day yesterday at the hospital, not for herself though, she said she was fine. I simply said Sorry hope it's nothing serious. That was 3 days ago and I haven't heard from her since. Issue # 3. We've been casually playing a game of Words with Friends on our cellphones since we met. She responded to the game today and submitted her turn. No text from her, no acknowledgement of her schedule, nothing, just her responding to the game with me. ------------------------------- I need some clarity on this situation. I REALLY like this girl, but there's only so much bull**** I am willing to put up with. Is it possible she's keeping me on the side incase something doesn't work out with another guy? Yes. Is it possible she's truly dealing with something important in her life? Yes. Is it possible she just likes the attention I give her? Yes. I don't know what I should do here anymore. At times I feel like she isn't interested at all in me, but other times she shocks me with her responses. Things like 'Okay, Should I be worried?' and her telling me she likes me and still wants to see me...are confusing the hell out of me. I'm terrible at reading signs, but my logical mind tells me if she wasn't interested, she'd have completed the "FADE" by now and would stop reaching out a long time ago. My logical mind also says that if you like someone and are still interested in seeing them, you make some sort of effort to do so. Our last date was 2 weeks ago. I'm really just hoping someone could provide some clarity on the situation. I'm not looking for posts saying 'You should just forget about her and move on' or something of that nature. I simply want to know what the heck would cause this kind of behavior? Edited July 19, 2013 by InsaneTrombone
shexy Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 If you want to know the cause of the behavior - she's not that interested in you. If she was, she would be responding to your texts and stuff.
BradJacobs Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Who cares what caused it. Make yourself unavailable to her. Go no contact. Don't play her game of words or whatever. Just stop everything, go dark and move on. Sounds like she's your only option and not a good one at that. Find someone else.
hoping2heal Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 You sound like a plan B. It's early on in the whatevership and this is the time full of glee and giddy behavior. Yet, she is pretty luke warm towards you. I'll tell you one thing though; she says she doesn't like talking about things. That's a big problem. It might be hard or uncomfortable and that I understand but if her response is to simply shut out instead of communicate I think that would make for bigger problems down the relationship road.
ChatroomHero Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 "Said she has been dealing with a lot lately and didn't say anything to me about it because she thought she'd be okay." You are one of those things and she is apparently dealing with you but, well, not dealing with you at all. If I were you I would be 1/2 tempted to tell her something like you were invited to bring 5 friends all paid for, to a suite at a baseball game or VIP backstage passes to a band she loves and say you can't go but wondered if she wanted to take her friends. You know she would text you in under 2 minutes and have no schedule issues at the drop of the hat. Then tell her you'll text her at 3:30 with the details and then don't text. Then ignore the 3 phone calls you'll get 5 minutes apart. Then around 4:30 you can send her a vague text saying you'll give her the info in a few minutes. You'll probably get 5 calls and a few nasty texts when you disappear at that point. Next morning, text her, "welcome to the club". But only if you are bored. 1
jphcbpa Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Stop chasing her, she does not want to be caught Next should be your frame right now.
MidwestUSA Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Yea, it's time to "call" this one, as in time of death. She's not interested, and is too rude to tell you so. Can you block her from that Word game? I would. You don't need to have her seeming availability for that rubbed in your face. Just rude.
SantistaUSA Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 "Said she has been dealing with a lot lately and didn't say anything to me about it because she thought she'd be okay." You are one of those things and she is apparently dealing with you but, well, not dealing with you at all. If I were you I would be 1/2 tempted to tell her something like you were invited to bring 5 friends all paid for, to a suite at a baseball game or VIP backstage passes to a band she loves and say you can't go but wondered if she wanted to take her friends. You know she would text you in under 2 minutes and have no schedule issues at the drop of the hat. Then tell her you'll text her at 3:30 with the details and then don't text. Then ignore the 3 phone calls you'll get 5 minutes apart. Then around 4:30 you can send her a vague text saying you'll give her the info in a few minutes. You'll probably get 5 calls and a few nasty texts when you disappear at that point. Next morning, text her, "welcome to the club". But only if you are bored. LOL nice! To OP, unfortunately women loves a challenge, you are too available and she knows she can have you anytime she wants and that is why she lost interest! She is mostly seeing other guys, and people wants what they cannot have, you have to make her chaise you a little. If she says hey let's go out this next Saturday, just reply saying sorry I can't make it, have a date etc. It is just how human nature works, sure not everyone is like this but trust me, as soon as you are not that available and she thinks you are seeing someone else....BOOM her interest is back!
ChatroomHero Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 LOL nice! To OP, unfortunately women loves a challenge, you are too available and she knows she can have you anytime she wants and that is why she lost interest! She is mostly seeing other guys, and people wants what they cannot have, you have to make her chaise you a little. If she says hey let's go out this next Saturday, just reply saying sorry I can't make it, have a date etc. It is just how human nature works, sure not everyone is like this but trust me, as soon as you are not that available and she thinks you are seeing someone else....BOOM her interest is back! You know I agree with this, but I typically think that even if she is seeing someone else who was less available but felt good about the OP, I don't know if being too available or showing he is interested would back her off. I think if he was choice #1 in her mind to begin with, him being available would not turn her off. He was probably choice #2 and when you figure that out, there is no real hope because she would feel there is always someone better out there from the get go. If he was very available I think she would figure who cares, he was #2 anyway, no big loss. I think to have the "unavailable" thing work, it would peak her interest only if she was already fairly interested to begin with.
PlumPrincess Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 You're making too many assumptions and you make things too complicated. Instead of just telling her that you noticed a change in her behavior and asked her what was going on, you jumped to conclusions and presented all your feelings and anxiety to her. You overanalyze her behavior and you put pressure on her, because you don't understand her behavior. You bring too much anxiety into the relationship and therefore it is doomed to fail.
Author InsaneTrombone Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 You know I agree with this, but I typically think that even if she is seeing someone else who was less available but felt good about the OP, I don't know if being too available or showing he is interested would back her off. I think if he was choice #1 in her mind to begin with, him being available would not turn her off. He was probably choice #2 and when you figure that out, there is no real hope because she would feel there is always someone better out there from the get go. If he was very available I think she would figure who cares, he was #2 anyway, no big loss. I think to have the "unavailable" thing work, it would peak her interest only if she was already fairly interested to begin with. Well I haven't said anything to her since the 16th, and I have heard nothing from her thus far. (aside from the stupid game) Atm I'm just keeping it casual. If I don't hear anything by late next week I may (debating) possibly throw out one last hook and see what happens. I'm on my last legs with this girl and have been for a while. Says she likes me and wants to see me, 0 initiation on her part though.
Author InsaneTrombone Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) You're making too many assumptions and you make things too complicated. Instead of just telling her that you noticed a change in her behavior and asked her what was going on, you jumped to conclusions and presented all your feelings and anxiety to her. You overanalyze her behavior and you put pressure on her, because you don't understand her behavior. You bring too much anxiety into the relationship and therefore it is doomed to fail. I have done this already. I've been given all the excuses in the book about her change in behavior. 'I don't know what I want'. 'I'm trying to find myself.' 'stuff in my life is ****ed up right now.' 'I'm not trying to ignore you'. I tell her I feel like shes scared to tell me anything, she says 'I am scared, I dont like talking about things.' Meanwhile she states she is interested, still likes me, still wants to spend time with me, but actions prove otherwise. I thought 6 dates in I wouldn't have to keep playing this game. Edited July 21, 2013 by InsaneTrombone
PlumPrincess Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 You're putting pressure on her and it's not going to work. I suggest that you tell her that you do not understand the mixed messages that she has been sending you lately and that you think it might be a good idea to give her some space to sort out her problems. Also say that you will be there whenever she needs you. And then do your own thing for a week or two and leave her alone. You're probably driving her crazy with all your accusations. I'm not saying you're not right, but you're still not going to achieve anything except creating a lot of stress for her. People who are forced to make a decision will usually say "no," just to stay on the safe side.
Author InsaneTrombone Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) You're putting pressure on her and it's not going to work. I suggest that you tell her that you do not understand the mixed messages that she has been sending you lately and that you think it might be a good idea to give her some space to sort out her problems. Also say that you will be there whenever she needs you. And then do your own thing for a week or two and leave her alone. You're probably driving her crazy with all your accusations. I'm not saying you're not right, but you're still not going to achieve anything except creating a lot of stress for her. People who are forced to make a decision will usually say "no," just to stay on the safe side. That's what I've been doing. I'm giving her space, leaving her alone for a week or two. I'm just not sure what to do afterwards. Our last actual date was July 3rd, almost 3 weeks ago. For the entire month of June we had been seeing eachother once a week. In one situation, if she gets back to me and wants to get together, I feel like I've been given advice to not be 'available' to her and just say I can't do it on whatever day she recommends. In the other, if she doesn't initiate anything with me, is it worth throwing one last hook after say 1-2 weeks of no communication? I think it's obvious I really like the girl and don't want to let her go so easily, but enough is starting to become enough. I don't want to burn any bridges with her either, who knows if something materializes down the line, probably not, but at the very least the bridge isn't burned. Edited July 21, 2013 by InsaneTrombone
MidwestUSA Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 No, no more hooks. And why would it be considered burning a bridge if you didn't try one last time? You've done everything; she's done nothing. Become VERY available to other women, friends, hobbies, pets, but leave her to her own thoughts. Playing games this early on doesn't bode well for a future with her anyway.
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