Silly_Girl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Good point. Whenever I do something that makes him anxious he immediately reacts. But if its work stress or something with friends then he writes in the journal because he cant immediately react because he will look like a jerk. I guess it doesnt matter to him if he looks like a jerk in front of me. You're the closest, the most accessible, the one he feels most secure with. So you cop it. He simply cannot do that elsewhere. There'd be consequences.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 You're the closest, the most accessible, the one he feels most secure with. So you cop it. He simply cannot do that elsewhere. There'd be consequences. And if he doesnt see divorce as a consequence, then he doesnt have a reason to stop because I cant give him another consequence other then that. 1
veggirl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 And if he doesnt see divorce as a consequence, then he doesnt have a reason to stop because I cant give him another consequence other then that. Right and he knows you'd never divorce him because you just wanted to be married so badly...you married him like this if someone married me and then expected me to change I'd be wtf too! If his ocd or anxiety is so damaging to your R why is he so anti help? Is he on meds? 1
Silly_Girl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 And if he doesnt see divorce as a consequence, then he doesnt have a reason to stop because I cant give him another consequence other then that. True. What are your options? Can you disengage? Pull away? Tell him he's on his own until XYZ happens? And how could that work? The danger is that if you have no means by which to motivate/threaten him his power will grow and grow. Many partners will be sufficiently motivated by upsetting their OH. Or by silent treatment or by their status quo being threatened.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 Well I cant say that he isnt motivated to change because he is. And things have absolutely gotten better. He controlled himself fairly well about the journal thing. I am not going to try and change him. I cant change him. All I can do is worry about me. And I did not marry him just to be married. I married him because I love him, OCD and all. I post a lot of negative things on here but he truly is a good man and a good husband. He has his moments but the good things about him outweigh the bad. Standing up for myself seems to be working well. It certainly makes me feel better which is my goal right now. 1
Silly_Girl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Seems like the most important thing you can do is keep yourself on an even keel and not be too influenced/invested by his reactions. Self-investment is never wasted, even if it goes against the grain.
tbf Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 I've seen some, yes. And still hold my opinion about looking at other people's things, and trust. LB doesn't trust her H (to be fair and reasonable and not to play mind-games) so she looked. I don't condone it. I was questioning whether it's normal to routinely (I.e. no trust issues) to have a root through your partner's things.Perhaps I missed it but I don't recall Lb stating that she routinely read his journal. If my perception is correct, inserting the word "routinely" would be a mischaracterization of the situation. You appear to also believe that behaviours happen in a vacuum where you need to give blind trust to a partner. If like this situation where her husband kept threatening divorce when they fought, it's not surprising that she reacted with insecurity. Had he not been threatening her with divorce, giving her no reason not to trust him, then I'd agree with you. So that you know, my H and I trust each other and don't snoop, even though we've shared our passwords with each other. But if he were ever to give me reason not to trust his commitment, particularly if cheating, I would snoop without remorse to ensure I had sufficient dirt for the divorce.
Silly_Girl Posted July 25, 2013 Posted July 25, 2013 Perhaps I missed it but I don't recall Lb stating that she routinely read his journal. If my perception is correct, inserting the word "routinely" would be a mischaracterization of the situation. You appear to also believe that behaviours happen in a vacuum where you need to give blind trust to a partner. If like this situation where her husband kept threatening divorce when they fought, it's not surprising that she reacted with insecurity. Had he not been threatening her with divorce, giving her no reason not to trust him, then I'd agree with you. So that you know, my H and I trust each other and don't snoop, even though we've shared our passwords with each other. But if he were ever to give me reason not to trust his commitment, particularly if cheating, I would snoop without remorse to ensure I had sufficient dirt for the divorce. Did you see other posters saying 'yeah, we/I do that, there's nothing unusual/wrong in it'? My posts were part of a discussion thread and not purely aimed at LB. And you agree with me (on the principle of it) anyway I'm certainly allowed to personally disagree with reading a partner's journal regardless of the circumstances. I don't see a benefit to the overall situation. You say it's justified, you're entitled to that view.
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