tbf Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Well, I don't know for SURE that he left it there on purpose. He didn't say that he did. And there was nothing in it about me AT ALL (other then ramblings like, "LB hung out with her friend today and I ran outside.") Nothing negative about me or our marriage. It was actually very boring. So I don't know why he got so upset if there was nothing confidential in it. I don't always walk on eggshells, actually I have decided to not let his anxiety/control upset me and I do not react to him at all. In turn, he has gotten much much better. I realized that I was spending so much energy on obsessing over him that I was beginning to lose myself. So with the journal thing, I didn't get upset, I simply apologized and went about my business. He got over it, admitted that he overreacted and apologized to ME. So I didn't let him control the situation, didn't cry, didn't obsess over it. I'm not going to be able to change him, but I can change myself. So if I am going to stay married to him then I need to worry about myself and what I do. Not concentrate all my energy on him and his issues. They are his issues, not mine.Damn! This is the most mature thing I've ever read of yours. Motherhood suits you. 2
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Damn! This is the most mature thing I've ever read of yours. Motherhood suits you. Thanks! My son is my world, he changed my whole life. Plus, I started seeing a psychologist a few weeks ago, and she has helped me a lot also. She is working with me on trying to control my reactions. I also teach codependency to my clients and the last thing I want to be is that. So I need to practice what I preach. 1
xxoo Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 I'm not going to be able to change him, but I can change myself. So if I am going to stay married to him then I need to worry about myself and what I do. Not concentrate all my energy on him and his issues. They are his issues, not mine. Sounds good! I needed this reminder today. Thanks
Els Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 Based on my experience with OCD, I don't think one can say for sure that he set you up. It's entirely possible that he just always leaves it a certain way and then notices it wasn't that way when he got back to it. I find myself doing that a lot too - and it's not to set my bf up - I really don't care that he raided my green tea sachets. Aside from that, I'm really glad that you're taking such a level-headed approach to it and are working things out with your H, LB! Rooting for you.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Posted July 22, 2013 Based on my experience with OCD, I don't think one can say for sure that he set you up. It's entirely possible that he just always leaves it a certain way and then notices it wasn't that way when he got back to it. I find myself doing that a lot too - and it's not to set my bf up - I really don't care that he raided my green tea sachets. Aside from that, I'm really glad that you're taking such a level-headed approach to it and are working things out with your H, LB! Rooting for you. Thanks for the different perspective, it helped. I have to keep in mind that none of his actions are about me, they are about him. So if I stop caring about what he does or doesnt do, then I won't internalize it or feel controlled. Perfect example, last night he had a weird issue. It was directly about me, but I had to try and remember that it was about his own issue, not mine. I did get upset, but didnt react, didnt give in to a big conflict. I just told him I would deal with it, case closed. In reflection, even though what he said could have made me feel bad about myself, I am trying to keep in mind that it was his anxiety that was the real issue, not really what the situation realky was. I feel so much more confident and happy this morning that I didnt let what he said destroy me.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 He says that writing helps with his anxiety. I dont have a problem with the journal but if he wants it to be private then he needs to not leave it out. Doesnt excuse me from reading it though. I am certainly done with his crap, I didnt engage him in his freak out and it worked. He has issues and I know that. But they arent my issues and I can only work on changing myself, not him. Thanks for your input!
Silly_Girl Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I *really* don't get the 'don't leave it out if you don't want it read' thing. I keep seeing it in this thread and wonder why I'm such a freak for thinking it's out of order to help yourself to someone's private stuff. Do partners just pick up each others' phones? Laptops? If they're left out they're asking for it? 1
LisaLee Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Do partners just pick up each others' phones? Laptops? I do that. Not always, but if the inclination comes up I will help myself to my SO's phone or laptop. Not to pry, just to use as I would use any device. Why not leave it out? He has nothing to hide from me, nor I from him. I am also one who journals, and I have left it in his car at times. I could care less if he reads it. All those thoughts I share with him, anyways. I do like my privacy when I am using the bathroom, but anything else I really don't feel the need to hide from him. 1
Silly_Girl Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 (edited) I do that. Not always, but if the inclination comes up I will help myself to my SO's phone or laptop. Not to pry, just to use as I would use any device. Why not leave it out? He has nothing to hide from me, nor I from him. I am also one who journals, and I have left it in his car at times. I could care less if he reads it. All those thoughts I share with him, anyways. I do like my privacy when I am using the bathroom, but anything else I really don't feel the need to hide from him. We share laptops and phones. If I can't be arsed to go upstairs and get my computer I'll borrow his, I use his phone to surf the web/make calls, but I don't look round those things when he's not around to try and find stuff out. If you share all those thoughts with him anyway, there's no hiding? So why should he read it? Behind your back anyway? My poor guy gets every thought-fart I have - pretty much, so there's zero secrets. It's not about secrets/hiding, in my view. It's about respecting each other's stuff/privacy. If he wants to look through anything of mine he's welcome to. He can have it all. But I would rather he spoke to me as if he feels the need to go through my emails/journal/phone etc there's a bigger issue and I'd like to be aware and to help resolve it. Edited July 23, 2013 by Silly_Girl
LisaLee Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 (edited) If you share all those thoughts with him anyway, there's no hiding? So why should he read it? Behind your back anyway? He wouldn't. But if he did it wouldn't make me no nevermind. It's the same **** I would tell him except in written form. I would get bent out of shape about my privacy if it was anyone else but him. Edited July 23, 2013 by LisaLee
janedoe67 Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 I *really* don't get the 'don't leave it out if you don't want it read' thing. I keep seeing it in this thread and wonder why I'm such a freak for thinking it's out of order to help yourself to someone's private stuff. Do partners just pick up each others' phones? Laptops? If they're left out they're asking for it? We do. I forgot my phone went I went to work today, and I turned around and went home to get it. When I walked inside my husband was looking at it. I asked him if I missed any messages and he told me no and handed it to me. No biggie. I have to admit, people who are so vehement about "privacy" in a marriage tend to be a red flag to ME because there has only been one type of time in MY marriage when my response to him reading would have wigged me out...and that is when I was having an affair.
Silly_Girl Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 We do. I forgot my phone went I went to work today, and I turned around and went home to get it. When I walked inside my husband was looking at it. I asked him if I missed any messages and he told me no and handed it to me. No biggie. I have to admit, people who are so vehement about "privacy" in a marriage tend to be a red flag to ME because there has only been one type of time in MY marriage when my response to him reading would have wigged me out...and that is when I was having an affair. Why would someone choose to look if there's trust? It's just weird to me. I wouldn't look at my husband's phone. I'd borrow it if I needed, and without asking, but I wouldn't pick it up for entertainment. I don't go in his pockets or glove box or anything else. If I needed to, fine, but I just don't bother. Am I weird then? 1
Nyla Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Actually I think your husband is in the wrong here. He left his journal out so he should assume it might get read. If he's concerned about privacy then he should keep it private, which he didn't. He can get mad all he wants. The answer is to say "Listen you left it out so I read it. You don't like me reading your journal, then hide it in your Hillary Duff sleeping bag." By the way I would be far more concerned about him keeping a journal--an actual little diary, like an adolescent schoolgirl--then anything he might have written in it. What kind of grown man keeps a journal? This assumes he isn't a professional writer. Mature adult men go out and have a few beers with their friends and talk about their problems, they don't keep little journals like a 12 year old girl does. There is nothing "adolescent" about keeping a journal. It is very mature to work out your feelings in writing. In fact, many therapists recommend it and it seems that LB's husband has some psychological issues such as anxiety and OCD. I don't see what is so "mature and adult" about going out for beers and talking to friends. It is far more adult to discuss relationship with issues with your partner than your friends, without alcohol involved.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Why would someone choose to look if there's trust? It's just weird to me. I wouldn't look at my husband's phone. I'd borrow it if I needed, and without asking, but I wouldn't pick it up for entertainment. I don't go in his pockets or glove box or anything else. If I needed to, fine, but I just don't bother. Am I weird then? I read it because of lingering insecurities. There was nothing in the journal about me, but part of me wondered if there was. My husbands control issues manifest in me, making it difficult to decipher between his hypercritism vs. loving and sweet comments. I wasnt just snooping to be an f'in biatch.
tbf Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Why would someone choose to look if there's trust? It's just weird to me. I wouldn't look at my husband's phone. I'd borrow it if I needed, and without asking, but I wouldn't pick it up for entertainment. I don't go in his pockets or glove box or anything else. If I needed to, fine, but I just don't bother. Am I weird then?You may have missed her last few threads where for awhile, his go-to methodology during fights was demanding a divorce. He has no moral high ground.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 You may have missed her last few threads where for awhile, his go-to methodology during fights was demanding a divorce. He has no moral high ground. Thankfully he has stopped because I set a boundry. But the reality is that it is out of my control whether or not he says it. But I am not going to be a doormat, thats for sure. 1
MidwestUSA Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 Why would someone choose to look if there's trust? It's just weird to me. I wouldn't look at my husband's phone. I'd borrow it if I needed, and without asking, but I wouldn't pick it up for entertainment. I don't go in his pockets or glove box or anything else. If I needed to, fine, but I just don't bother. Am I weird then? No, not weird at all. Agree with everything you've said! 1
Silly_Girl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 You may have missed her last few threads where for awhile, his go-to methodology during fights was demanding a divorce. He has no moral high ground. I've seen some, yes. And still hold my opinion about looking at other people's things, and trust. LB doesn't trust her H (to be fair and reasonable and not to play mind-games) so she looked. I don't condone it. I was questioning whether it's normal to routinely (I.e. no trust issues) to have a root through your partner's things.
Silly_Girl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 No, not weird at all. Agree with everything you've said! Phew! Thought I was in a bubble
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 I've seen some, yes. And still hold my opinion about looking at other people's things, and trust. LB doesn't trust her H (to be fair and reasonable and not to play mind-games) so she looked. I don't condone it. I was questioning whether it's normal to routinely (I.e. no trust issues) to have a root through your partner's things. "Normal" is pretty hard to define. I dont trust my husbands disorder. It changes him and I never know what to expect. It is interesting that he wouldnt write anything about me if he is feeling anxious because a lot of his anxiety manifests in me. I guess he just doesnt write about it.
Silly_Girl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 "Normal" is pretty hard to define. I dont trust my husbands disorder. It changes him and I never know what to expect. It is interesting that he wouldnt write anything about me if he is feeling anxious because a lot of his anxiety manifests in me. I guess he just doesnt write about it. In case you read it?
xxoo Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 "Normal" is pretty hard to define. I dont trust my husbands disorder. It changes him and I never know what to expect. It is interesting that he wouldnt write anything about me if he is feeling anxious because a lot of his anxiety manifests in me. I guess he just doesnt write about it. By "manifests in me", do you mean he reacts to things you are doing, and vents to you? He may not need to journal it because he dumps it on you directly. I might be more helpful if he did journal it. He'd then have the opportunity to reflect on his thoughts at a less anxious time, and could spare you the verbal vomit of his anxious moments. 1
janedoe67 Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I'm wondering if I am the only one capable of making the distinction of happening to read a journal that is laying out and "rooting through someone's things"...... I'm wondering if I am the only one who thinks exploding at one's spouse might be just a teeny bit more of an issue than reading a journal one time..... 2
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Posted July 24, 2013 By "manifests in me", do you mean he reacts to things you are doing, and vents to you? He may not need to journal it because he dumps it on you directly. I might be more helpful if he did journal it. He'd then have the opportunity to reflect on his thoughts at a less anxious time, and could spare you the verbal vomit of his anxious moments. Good point. Whenever I do something that makes him anxious he immediately reacts. But if its work stress or something with friends then he writes in the journal because he cant immediately react because he will look like a jerk. I guess it doesnt matter to him if he looks like a jerk in front of me.
Silly_Girl Posted July 24, 2013 Posted July 24, 2013 I'm wondering if I am the only one capable of making the distinction of happening to read a journal that is laying out and "rooting through someone's things"...... I'm wondering if I am the only one who thinks exploding at one's spouse might be just a teeny bit more of an issue than reading a journal one time..... I think it's clear that you're in the majority. Not sure why you don't see it.
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