Lauriebell82 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I f'ed up bigtime. When I got home from work my husbands journal was laying out. I read it. Stupid move, I know. He noticed that it wasnt how he left it, and asked me if I read it. I said no (again very stupid). He got very mad, I tried to explain but it was too late. He had said before that it was his journal and he didnt want me reading it. But I did. I guess all the divorce talk has still made me pretty insecure about our marriage. I admitted I was wrong but it doesnt matter. Ugh, just when things were going so well. Any advice?
pteromom Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Apologize. Tell him that you are just feeling so insecure, you saw the journal laying there and hoped it had some insight to what he was feeling. And apologize again. And promise you won't read it again. 6
2sunny Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 You purposely disrespected him? Why do you think he should be ok with that? How do you plan to repair the trust you've broken?
quankanne Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 ditto what Ptero mom says, and then be sure to not get into his stuff without his prior approval. I don't come around often anymore, so I'm very sorry to hear about the divorce talk in your relationship. However, I can assure you that at certain points in the relationship (seemed like every 6-7 years with us), you reach a plateau and you think to yourself, "Is this what I signed up for?" We've never had kids, so I don't know if that magnifies the feeling ... still, don't put stock in the divorce talk if you two have otherwise had a strong relationship where you've been able to work through problems. It could very well be some little thing is out of whack in his life/your life/etc and it's strongly affecting everything; that if you can figure out a resolution for that thing, everything else will fall back into place and you come out stronger as a couple. keeping you in my prayers as you navigate these choppy waters, kiddo q ~
Silly_Girl Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Why did you read it? And why did you lie? You'd expect more from him, I imagine. I think that when you have the answers to these questions you should take them to him to try and explain further. More than just an apology. Try and mend bridges.
Star Gazer Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Apologize. Tell him that you are just feeling so insecure, you saw the journal laying there and hoped it had some insight to what he was feeling. And apologize again. And promise you won't read it again. This, *if* you're okay with what you read.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 He is still mad and was nasty to me all night. I apologized so I dont know what else to do. There was nothing interesting in the journal, it was just random stuff about work stress. It was boring actually. I dont know what I expected to find. I feel horruble because we were really happy and now I feel like I ruined it.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Why did you read it? And why did you lie? You'd expect more from him, I imagine. I think that when you have the answers to these questions you should take them to him to try and explain further. More than just an apology. Try and mend bridges. I read it because I thought he wrote something about me in it. Like he is planning his escape from me. I lied because I knew he would freak out and be nasty to me if he found out. I tried to explain to him why and he didnt care.
Nyla Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 He is still mad and was nasty to me all night. I apologized so I dont know what else to do. There was nothing interesting in the journal, it was just random stuff about work stress. It was boring actually. I dont know what I expected to find. I feel horruble because we were really happy and now I feel like I ruined it. If your husband was constantly mentioning divorce, refusing to go to counseling and being controlling, you and he are not happy. Happy couples do not relate to each other this way and it has been a pattern in your marriage for a long time. I am going on what you have posted here. Isn't your husband nasty to you most of the time anyway? It appears that he uses your insecurities to manipulate you. You have already apologized and explained yourself. There is nothing else you can do. I once had an ex read my journal and then confront me about what was written in it. I felt very violated and betrayed. 2
2sure Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Pick this crisis up, lay it on the table, and make it a turning point. Hard work, but maybe it's time? Tell him why you read it. Apologize sincerely. Tell him how you felt before you read it and after. Let him be angry you read it, he has a right to be. But it's done, what now? 1
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 If your husband was constantly mentioning divorce, refusing to go to counseling and being controlling, you and he are not happy. Happy couples do not relate to each other this way and it has been a pattern in your marriage for a long time. I am going on what you have posted here. Isn't your husband nasty to you most of the time anyway? It appears that he uses your insecurities to manipulate you. You have already apologized and explained yourself. There is nothing else you can do. I once had an ex read my journal and then confront me about what was written in it. I felt very violated and betrayed. We have been trying to work on things, and it has gotten much better. Huge decrease in conflict, much more respectful. We are both making an effort. Thats what I meant by happy. He got mad last night and when he is stressed out he gets more controlling.
T3h L337 d00d Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 That was pretty disrespectful. Just start building the trust again if you understand how invasive what you did is.
xxoo Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I read it because I thought he wrote something about me in it. Like he is planning his escape from me. Tell him this. Tell him this, and emphasize that you realize this means you have some sort of issue to resolve, and you are going to bring it up with your therapist. And then do just that.
janedoe67 Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Understand that I am coming from the standpoint of having been unfaithful before, but.... I am not really getting why this is the ultimate betrayal of trust. Yes, we should be able to have thoughts that are private. But you guys have obviously had some shaky times, and I can understanding wanting some answers. Honestly, if I picked up and read a journal my husband had, and he went bananas, MY first reaction would be: what is so terrible in there that he has to hide that he would wig out? I believe in privacy in marriage (as in, I don't want him walking in on my in the bathroom)...but there is no place for secrecy. 3
Nyla Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 (edited) We have been trying to work on things, and it has gotten much better. Huge decrease in conflict, much more respectful. We are both making an effort. Thats what I meant by happy. He got mad last night and when he is stressed out he gets more controlling. Okay, now I know what you meant. Glad that things are improving and the effort is being made. Sometimes control freaks are that way because they feel safest when they can control the situations they in. My journals are private because I need to have something that is just for me; a place where I can say things without censoring myself. Edited July 20, 2013 by Nyla 1
Art_Critic Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 He is still mad and was nasty to me all night. I apologized so I dont know what else to do. There was nothing interesting in the journal, it was just random stuff about work stress. It was boring actually. I dont know what I expected to find. I feel horruble because we were really happy and now I feel like I ruined it. Do you think he left it out knowing you would read it ? then a test to see if you would own up to reading it ?... if so he is angry because you failed the test. I asked that because your husband is so anal that it seems he knew what he was doing... A diversion to give him something to be pissed about ? Just asking as I thought those things when I read your post... on to the solution... I think you should wait some.. let him come you at this point as you have already apologized and hopefully you will both come to a agreement about what happened and move on... this is small potatoes... 5
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 I totally agree with the Clown, above! LB, you apologized. Don't beat yourself up over this. Yeah you made a mistake but it's not like you stuck a fork in his ass on purpose or cheated on him. Do be honest and tell him you're not justifying why you read his journal but more so he can understand it wasn't coming from a malicious or nosy place. Your emotions, your heart and the fact you feel insecure and he isn't being as open with you as he should be to make you feel more at peace overall.. hope that makes sense..
Lishy Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 LB, my first instinct was that he set you up! He has been with you long enough to know you would read it (I would have too) Why leave such a private and personal thing out for all to see? Tell him to grow the hell up! Don't take his controlling crappola! You deserve more than that! 1
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 I agree that he left it out on purpose. He knew I read it because it wasnt in the position he had put it in. Which means that he positioned it a certain way on purpose. I mentioned that he left it out in the open and that if he didnt want me reading it he should have hid it. He said that he shouldnt have to hide things from me, because I should respect his privacy. I guess he freaked out because he felt like I took away his control. It did blow over and he apologized for freaking out. He just got anxious but he is working on it.
veggirl Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 LB I'm sorry but the fact that your husband SET YOU UP like this shows he has some serious contempt for you. That is a HUGE problem. Ugh that's just gross, setting up your wife to fail and for what? So he'd have a reason to yell at you? I mean what did it accomplish for him?
melodymatters Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 The fact that it was left out on purpose also means he expected you to read it, ( I would have too) so without getting too personal, what was the general context ? Was it complaining about you, and now that you "know" your faults, you are supposed to set about fixing them for him ? One main question. Do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells around him ? If so, I really feel badly for you. I have had a few relationships like that in the past and now I want to punch myself in the face for tolerating it ! I WOULD RATHER BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE THAN EVER AGAIN EXPERIENCE THE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS FEELING IN MY MOST INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP ! 1
TaraMaiden Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 My advice? tell him to grow up, quit being a baby, and get over it, it's no big deal. Sheesh, he's beating you over the head with the "I want you to feel REALLY guilty!" skillet. Act as if it was all a storm in a teacup, behave naturally, and if he insists on carrying on being a petulant childish brat, that's his problem. "Betrayal of Trust" my a$$.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Well, I don't know for SURE that he left it there on purpose. He didn't say that he did. And there was nothing in it about me AT ALL (other then ramblings like, "LB hung out with her friend today and I ran outside.") Nothing negative about me or our marriage. It was actually very boring. So I don't know why he got so upset if there was nothing confidential in it. I don't always walk on eggshells, actually I have decided to not let his anxiety/control upset me and I do not react to him at all. In turn, he has gotten much much better. He will even realize that something he said sounds controlling and will apologize and say he isn't trying to be a jerk or controlling. I just realized that I was spending so much energy on obsessing over him that I was beginning to lose myself. So with the journal thing, I didn't get upset, I simply apologized and went about my business. He got over it, admitted that he overreacted and apologized to ME. So I didn't let him control the situation, didn't cry, didn't obsess over it. I'm not going to be able to change him, but I can change myself. So if I am going to stay married to him then I need to worry about myself and what I do. Not concentrate all my energy on him and his issues. They are his issues, not mine. 2
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