Fights/yelling lead to affair... ...

[Fleur8315]

The one big issue we've always had is handling conflict. He's very high-conflict and stubborn, and he's the most argumentative person I've ever known. He has a quick temper and yells a lot. He also occasionally swears at me and calls me names. When things escalate, I'll sometimes end up yelling and swearing too, but I've always felt like he's the one who escalates it to that level. Having grown up with a mom who yelled/screamed and insulted me, I'm extremely sensitive to that type of behavior. It triggers an incredibly powerful fight/flight response in me that's very difficult to cope with.

 

We also go through phases where we're constantly snapping and annoyed with each other. Again, I feel like he's more at fault in this regard. Really minor things will trigger him to snap. There are many days where I feel really discouraged by this, like I can do nothing right.

 

He can be really controlling about some things -- usually small things. And he sometimes patronizes me and treats me like a child.

 

Despite all this, he can also be incredibly affectionate, loving, caring, encouraging and respectful. We go through great phases where we rarely fight and communicate really well. Even when we do have bad fights, we both usually calm down and reconcile within a few hours. We've never had fights that lasted much longer than that. But we also go through bad phases where we fight and bicker constantly -- sometimes escalating to yelling on a daily basis -- and during those times I feel like we're toxic to one another.

 

A few months ago, we were going through a particularly rough patch. There were a lot of stressors in our lives and we were fighting constantly. Long story short, I ended up having a short-lived but full-on affair with another man, I think as a way to explore escaping the marriage. But ultimately I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my marriage and ended the affair. Husband doesn't know about it.

 

I'm still feeling caught up in the fog, confusion and guilt of all this. Part of me wonders if I've made the wrong decision in staying. Husband would like to have kids in the near future, but I don't want to raise children in a high-conflict household where we're just screaming, bickering and insulting each other all the time. I also know that I could never leave him once kids are involved.

 

I've talked with him about how we can't be fighting constantly when we have kids, and he agrees. But I wonder whether he'll ever change. He's always been a yeller for as long as I've known him. His dad is a yeller and exhibits some of those same behaviors toward his mom. And I feel like the stress of raising kids would just make things worse between us.

 

I ended the affair because I still love him despite everything, and I can't stand the thought of causing him and his family (whom I'm very close too) such immense pain and devastation. At the same time, though, my worst fear is having kids with him and then leaving a few years down the road due to these same issues. I feel like my judgment on all this is further clouded by my guilt and confusion about the affair. I never thought I'd be capable of betraying him like that.

 

So now I'm not sure what to do. Should I tell him about the affair? Pursue marriage counseling? Or leave before it's too late?

Edited July 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jphcbpa]

You married your mom. We often pick people that set up a familiar scenerio of an unresolved past.

 

You should seek therapy one on one for now and get to bottom of why you had the affair. Any why you picked this man. Get help around the pain your mom caused you.

 

Then it is probably good to do it as a couple.

[oldshirt]

The "stressors" that you mention now don't even scratch the surface of the tension and conflict of having kids. It's a pure myth that kids bring harmony and happiness inro a home and makes couples closer and more joyous together. Its the exact opposite, kids bring a higher level of stress, tension, worry etc and the also bring out an intensify the conflicts and tensions between couples.

 

I dont have any insight on what you should do about your affair or what to do about his temper but I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you should not and I repeat NOT! Have children with this man at this time. Do whatever it takes to ensure that you do not get knockex up.

[bluefirefly20]

Yes. you two sound like you have a very volatile relationship. As for your affair and if you should tell him or not. its your decision and up to you. but i would like to say, that you are human. we all make mistakes in life. i wouldn't beat yourself up over it. yes, it was wrong, but your not a bad person, you made a mistake. as for if he needs to know or not, there is a difference of opinion. in my opinion, i don't think he needs to know. sometimes it causes more hurt to tell your partner you had an affair. not every one agrees with that. but really what good would come of you telling him, besides to hurt him. unless, you are so eaten up with guilt that it would make you feel better. otherwise, just don't do it again, and it should be fine. as for you too fighting all the time and not wanting to raise kids in the future in that environment. that is a very valid concern. and you should strongly consider if you two are truly meant to be together and compatible. i know you can really love a person so much, but you two just don't get along and fight all the time. i was in a relationship like that awhile ago, where we loved eachother so much.but we just couldn't live with each other. Also, i would recommend talking to him about doing some counseling with you, to help work through some of your issues as a couple and help with his temper and anger.

 

good luck to you.

[ChooseTruth]

Infidelity is a nuclear bomb that destroys families. Do not underestimate this massive new problem that completely eclipses anything else that has gone on in your marriage. It sounds like you just sabotaged the whole thing, I hope you are ready to fix this and put what you want on the backburner for a while...

 

Once trust is destroyed, it's extremely hard to get back. There's never an excuse to have an affair. If you want to truly connect with your husband again you'll come clean. He doesn't know what you are anymore and what's on your mind. You'll never feel close while you have this big secret, you won't feel loved for who you really are.

 

Also when he finds out on his own....uh oh, you'll definitely wish you had told him first.

 

If you do come clean...or when DDay comes.. it's going to be really hard (2-5 years), but necessary. Read up on affair recovery. Be prepared to deal with absolute insanity for a while. Your H will go through all kinds of swinging emotions and opinions. Be prepared to tolerate snooping, so he can verify the truth for himself (since your word is not very good right now). Be completely honest and open about everything. If OM contacts you, tell your H, but you need to break all contact with the OM FOREVER. No communication, nothing. Classes with OM, quit. Job with OM? transfer or quit. Neighbor? Move. Give your husband that peace of mind. He deserves it. Also be remoreseful, apologize, show you love, validate your H's pain, express regret, explain what steps you will take to not have this happen again,like counseling to find out why YOU did this (not blameshifting).

[Trimmer]

The "stressors" that you mention now don't even scratch the surface of the tension and conflict of having kids. It's a pure myth that kids bring harmony and happiness inro a home and makes couples closer and more joyous together. Its the exact opposite, kids bring a higher level of stress, tension, worry etc and the also bring out an intensify the conflicts and tensions between couples.

 

I dont have any insight on what you should do about your affair or what to do about his temper but I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you should not and I repeat NOT! Have children with this man at this time. Do whatever it takes to ensure that you do not get knockex up.

I emphatically agree with all of this post. Do not have kids, expecting someone to magically change for the better as a result.

[loyalwife]

I can relate to your marriage because I have a husband who loves to argue and to prove that he is always right. We founght for many years, we are still fighting and working in our communication skills. We continue to work on our marriage because we love each other and we want to stay married. 3 years into the marriage I thought of a divorce because I felt that my life would be more peaceful alone or with a different man. To make the divoorce easier, I tried to cheat on my husband but it never happened because my conscience didn't allow. So I stay married and decided to go ahead with having kids after being married for 7 years. We have been married for almost 12 years now and my husband has changed A BIT. He still yells, argues, patronises and still a know it all but not all the time.

We have a talk about our communication about 5 times a week. If we feel we were mad, angry and frustrated we simply say we need to talk about 'this' and we stop mentioning the problem until we have a chance to sit down and have a heart to heart talk. You and your husband can change but willingness and stength are required. Good luck.