What the hell just happened? Shellshocked

[Chris5012]

Alright, help me out guys-new poster.

 

Me and my gf of 6 months (friends 3 years) bought an engagement ring together on 6/25. Her family came to town for July 4th week and it was understood I was to propose engagement that week.

 

Unfortunately, on July 3, I discovered she was having an illicit affair with a co-worker (and my former friend). She didn't know her cell recorder recorded her voice while she drove all day. It was clear from recording she was romantically and probably sexually involved with this guy. All the while both families prepared for an engagement dinner, while she anticipated engagement proposal this week, and while she told me she would say yes to my proposal.

 

I learned of this on 7/3; July 4 fireworks with family were hell on earth, knowing what I knew, pretending to be happy and having a good time.

Needless to say, I never proposed 7/4 as I planned. Nor on 7/5, and I did tell her father I would propose on the last day before engagement party/dinner, on 7/6. This, because I would confront her and she would (I naively believed) come up with an innocent explanation. (like, how did his penis accidentally enter your vagina???)

 

So, on 7/6, 2 hours before engagement party/lunch in which she anticipated proposal, I finally confronted her, revealing the existence and nature of the recording (I didn't play it for legal reasons nor spelled out the salacious details). I told her I suspected she was having an affair with a co-worker and that I would not propose until we get therapy and she rids herself of this scheming vermin. That morning, I even caught her chatting, likely with him at 3AM.

 

So what does she do? Grabs her clothes and runs out of my house. I dumped her as she left, which prompted a flurry of angry text messages between us. "How dare you lie to my family and then not propose!" she fumed. I responded that I dumped her because of her cheating.

 

It has been 10 days. The next day, on 7/7, she e-mails me stating she was disappointed in my dumping her over a "delusion", that she never cheated on me, that I did not fail her in any way, that she "honors my request to move on" and that we may one day become friends if it is God's Will or I will be a "fond memory". Of course, she adamantly denied any affair. I responded in kind, largely reminding her the breakup was prompted by her cheating/lack of trust. I did agree one day we could be friends, maybe more again. But at this point, short of an explanation for the salacious recording contents, I would not entertain any thought of reconciliation, particularly considering she made no overt "fight" for the relationship or defense against my allegation in her e-mail.

 

It appeared she was either too prideful or pissed to extend an olive branch for possible reconciliation, or she didn't care enough and wanted to stay with her side action in lieu of getting engaged to me. At first, it didn't make sense that she would do anything to jeopardize the proposal, she wanted the ring and marriage badly, so she said to me. So, I can't help but to wonder:

 

1.) Did she develop GIGS, and had tryst to subvert engagement out of fear of commitment?;

2.) Did the side action guy convince her he was a better match for her (he's not, guy's a total misfit loser);

3.) Did she independently realize, but didn't tell me, of the above, or failed to disclose her own doubts, for fear of letting her family down?

4.) Did she malevolently engineer a forced breakup scheme, whereby her guilt and potential for family letdown should she refuse the proposal caused her to have the tryst, knowing I could easily find out? (there were other breadcrumbs). In other words, she got me to do her dirty work, so she could be the breakee victim whose breaker (me) left her standing with no ring (i.e., poor me victim).

 

5.) She was ready to dump me to keep her side action, yet decided to go through with the proposal, get the expensive ring, then dump me before marriage.

 

OR.....

 

6.) She wanted her cake and eat it too. Meaning, she wanted the ring and marriage, with her side action, believing I wasn't aware it was occurring and that she could keep such a hushed French affair indefinitely.

 

I think 6 is the most likely explanation. She seemed surprised by my allegation, never denied it nor demanded proof, as might be expected. Her storming out of my house upon the allegation seemed more flight than fight, perhaps indicative of a guilty mindset. At the same time, she undoubtedly, at least by outward appearances, was 100% go for the ring and marriage; her family was in planning stages for marriage by 7/4. Her internet browsing history was 100% about brides and weddings and so on...

 

She told her family, and they believe (as does some of mine) that I got cold feet. Not true at all. I just didn't want to marry a cheater.

 

Now, we have had NC since last e-mail exchange (which varied between conciliatory and nasty) on 7/9. She will not respond to my calls or texts. She did text and agreed to meet with our Christian family counselor, at some point SOON in the future (unspecified) to come to terms with what happened. She texted him she was in too much pain to tt him about specific issues.

 

I have not presented her the incriminating evidence since doing so would open me up to potential criminal liability. But it is there. Very salacious but no evidence of sex act, just salacious talk). The Christian counselor is aware of it; she has no idea what is on the recording because I never told her. He concluded it's a deal breaker.

 

At this point, I wonder if her want to see this neutral counselor is intended to ascertain what the incriminating evidence is, whether she wants to genuinely apologize and seek forgiveness, if not reconciliation, or she believes this would bring final closure, evidence be damned (she is a lawyer and knows it could never be used in civil court).

 

My position will be to have her own her affair, the hurt and expense it caused me (wanna know how much an expensive engagement ring depreciates??) and for her to at least acknowledge why she did what she did so I can understand. Only then could I be her friend, possibly more. Closure, reconciliation, whatever the outcome, I desperately need an explanation from the horse's mouth (but any objectively reasonable input from LS posters would be more than welcome).

 

Are my expectations of her owning her tryst, apologizing and possibly seeking reconciliation realistic or is it more likely she is using the meeting as a Machiavellian ploy to learn what's on the recording?

 

How the hell can someone do this to someone they purport to love and cherish?

[TaraMaiden]

The recording was accidental, and there is no public broadcast.

She can't sue you.

 

jeesh, just tell her you know, cut her off and quit obsessing.

It happens.

Men do it to women, women do it to men.

You'll never get the truth, Counselling is pointless, and frankly, there is no questioning the actions of a person who would brazenly deceive you, with no remorse.

 

C'est La Vie - be thankful you dodged the bullet.

[Chris5012]

Obviously, I am aware it happens, but never before to me and I have never heard of it occurring so close to engagement. Maybe just a life lesson. I dodged a huge bullet, but what if it was just a "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" last minute tryst never again to be repeated? It is not uncommon.

[Chi townD]

Just because you can't concretely prove that a sexual act occurred, she was still cheating on you by the recording itself!

 

A good definition of cheating is SAYING or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do in front of your significant other. That's cheating.

 

So, yeah....by the recording itself, she cheated on you.

[TaraMaiden]

She's a cheater.

She denies it vehemently.

There is every possible chance that she has (a) done it before and that (b) she will do it again.

 

'Never again to be repeated' is extremely uncommon.

[Chi townD]

Obviously, I am aware it happens, but never before to me and I have never heard of it occurring so close to engagement. Maybe just a life lesson. I dodged a huge bullet, but what if it was just a "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" last minute tryst never again to be repeated? It is not uncommon.

 

 

Can you honestly stand at the altar and listen to her say her vows, pledging herself to you for the rest of her life knowing that she couldn't even keep her promise to be exclusive with you while you were dating?

[Chris5012]

Understood. The loser she cheated with is of such low class, it was shocking to hear. I mean, low caste loser class, criminal history, 'banger involved, etc...and I and her were established professionals and an item with both families and the community.

 

I would have felt better if she'd cheated up instead of down.

 

Still, no insight as to what compels someone to give up that which purportedly made her happy, engagement ring she helped pick out and a planned wedding she and family were involved with. She now claims I spoiled what was to be the best day of her life.

[Chris5012]

no I honestly couldn't.

[Chris5012]

I just want to comprehend the motive and mind of the cheater, why they risk so much for something so short-lived and temporary. In other words, cost/benefit analysis, they lose big time.

[Chris5012]

She's a cheater.

She denies it vehemently.

There is every possible chance that she has (a) done it before and that (b) she will do it again.

 

'Never again to be repeated' is extremely uncommon.

 

What is the significance of vehemently denying it?

[Zahara]

No way of comprehending the mind of a cheater. Selfish, impulsive, morally corrupt, emotionally vacant/damaged, bored, etc. No way of pin pointing why they do the things they do.

 

She's saying you ruined the best day of her life? She's just pissed she got caught and has ruined her cake eating.

[Chi townD]

Still, no insight as to what compels someone to give up that which purportedly made her happy, engagement ring she helped pick out and a planned wedding she and family were involved with. She now claims I spoiled what was to be the best day of her life.

 

Dude, really?!?!?

 

When you confronted her with her cheating. What was the FIRST thing she did? She collected her crap and BOLTED out of there! Only the guilty run. If she was COMPLETELY innocent, she would have stayed and defended her innocence and try to salvage the "best day of her life". Convince you that it wasn't true.

 

Thing was, she thought it was going to be "the best day of her life" So, you completely caught her off guard. She didn't have a viable and believable story ready for you. She had no excuses at the ready. So, she ran.

 

And to this day, she still hasn't asked you WHY you believe she cheated on you. Not once. What proof do you have? Who do you believe I cheated on you with? When do you think this happened? ....blah....blah.... she's asked you nothing! Only blaming you for "ruining her day!"

 

Wow....

[Chris5012]

No way of comprehending the mind of a cheater. Selfish, impulsive, morally corrupt, emotionally vacant/damaged, bored, etc. No way of pin pointing why they do the things they do.

 

She's saying you ruined the best day of her life? She's just pissed she got caught and has ruined her cake eating.

 

 

lol so true. I texted her a photo of the ring that she picked out and a youtube clip of the song "never gonna get it"...lol.

 

She was infuriated, attacking me with ad homynyms, and insulting me as if I were the real low-class loser she cheated with.

[TaraMaiden]

What is the significance of vehemently denying it?

 

"The best form of Defence, is Attack."

Denying it, basically enforces her innocence, and implicates you as the aggressor.

 

It happens too often to mention.

[Chris5012]

Dude, really?!?!?

 

When you confronted her with her cheating. What was the FIRST thing she did? She collected her crap and BOLTED out of there! Only the guilty run. If she was COMPLETELY innocent, she would have stayed and defended her innocence and try to salvage the "best day of her life". Convince you that it wasn't true.

 

Thing was, she thought it was going to be "the best day of her life" So, you completely caught her off guard. She didn't have a viable and believable story ready for you. She had no excuses at the ready. So, she ran.

 

And to this day, she still hasn't asked you WHY you believe she cheated on you. Not once. What proof do you have? Who do you believe I cheated on you with? When do you think this happened? ....blah....blah.... she's asked you nothing! Only blaming you for "ruining her day!"

 

Wow....

 

Yup. She never probed for details, which as a lawyer and ostensibly committed intending fiancée she would certainly be capable of and inclined to do if innocent. If in fact she was scheming for the ring, then she thought she was smarter than me, but I turned the tables on her and she got caught. Cheetee intuition I guess...

[Chris5012]

"The best form of Defence, is Attack."

Denying it, basically enforces her innocence, and implicates you as the aggressor.

 

It happens too often to mention.

 

Keen insight Tara. She is a lawyer (not a very good one). Of course her e-mails were pre-emptively defensive-she even went into a dribble spat legalese diatribe about her right to privacy, expectation of privacy, lack of trust on my part, how can she love me if I don't trust HER etc...

 

As if,...lol

 

Recordings don't lie, especially when she offers oral sex to her subordinate, a boy half her age, at a McDonald's drive in after skipping out on a court date. lol

[Chris5012]

No way of comprehending the mind of a cheater. Selfish, impulsive, morally corrupt, emotionally vacant/damaged, bored, etc. No way of pin pointing why they do the things they do.

 

She's saying you ruined the best day of her life? She's just pissed she got caught and has ruined her cake eating.

 

True. She is apparently pathologically challenged where she launches into another e-mail diatribe about how she was cheated on, and how she understands from her individualized pain how she could NEVER, NEVER do it to another person. Blames it on her childhood abandonment and strict school upbringing-i.e., insufficient daddy/male attention. And that she puts her trust in Jesus to give her strength should she fall into temptation. Where was Jesus at that McDonald's drive thru? lol :laugh:

 

I tend to think those who have been cheated on are arguably more apt to cheat themselves in many instances.

[Mack05]

Good advice already given here. U asked the the question why tell her family that you cold feet. I that would be obvious. She is a coward and she is a snake. I know how gutted u must feel but u my friend dodged one enormous bullet. Its her comfort in lieing that would freak me out. God knows what else she has done and god knows why you would a) consider being her friend and b) actually consider going back. Your definition of a friend is VERY different to mine.

 

Listen, looking for her to admit guilt what will it achieve? Firstly this type rarely take accountability and responsibility for their actions and even if she did she is a pathological liar. Dude reattach your balls and NEVER talk to or contact this girl again. She is projecting her guilt onto u. She is mind f c u king you. Disappear, block her from everything and try pick up the pieces and move forward. Moving forward does not involve Analyzing everything she did. Moving forward is figuring out why would u want to be friends with this piece of thrash that treated you so horribly..

Edited July 18, 2013 by Mack05

[Zahara]

BJ at the Mickey D's drive thru. A visual good enough to keep you away from her.

[Chris5012]

Good advice already given here. U asked the the question why tell her family that you cold feet. I that would be obvious. She is a coward and she is a snake. I know how gutted u must feel but u my friend dodged one enormous bullet. Its her comfort in lieing that would freak me out. God knows what else she has done and god knows why you would a) consider being her friend and b) actually consider going back. Your definition of a friend is VERY different to mine.

 

Listen, looking for her to admit guilt what will it achieve? Firstly this type rarely take accountability and responsibility for their actions and even if she did she is a pathological liar. Dude reattach your balls and NEVER talk to or contact this girl again. She is projecting her guilt onto u. She is mind f c u king you. Disappear, block her from everything and try pick up the pieces and move forward. Moving forward does not involve Analyzing everything she did. Moving forward is figuring out why would u want to be friends with this piece of thrash that treated you so horribly..

 

You're right-she is a POS for lying and guilt projection. True. And she is a sorry individual, judging by the human trash she cheated with. We were formerly longstanding friends, so hard to dispense with that relationship, however much she violated our trust and me. I guess I pity her, she clearly has a mental defect and character/personality disorder that surfaced at the last minute, thanks to my investigatory inclination. But yeah, I would never reconcile the relationship as it existed, if for no other reason she may have acquired STD's from banger trash she solicited for sex.

[Chris5012]

BJ at the Mickey D's drive thru. A visual good enough to keep you away from her.

 

well, she solicited it from him on her cell at the drive thru, then met him there and drove to another location.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

True. She is apparently pathologically challenged where she launches into another e-mail diatribe about how she was cheated on, and how she understands from her individualized pain how she could NEVER, NEVER do it to another person. Blames it on her childhood abandonment and strict school upbringing-i.e., insufficient daddy/male attention. And that she puts her trust in Jesus to give her strength should she fall into temptation. Where was Jesus at that McDonald's drive thru? lol :laugh:

.

 

My my my, I am sorry for your pain...and I mean this in the most sincere way. Good Lord you dodged a bullet!

 

It is time to take away her stage and soap box.

 

My recommendations in no particular order.

 

1. Write a goodbye letter to her parents and tell them you are sorry that you will never be family, but that you uncovered her faithlessness and could not resolve it therefore the relationship ended. (I hate leaving lies to be assumed for truth)

 

2. Block her from all contact mechanisms. No need to hear her make excuses and absolutely no need to hear her when she starts the begging and Hoovering to suck you back in.

 

3. Get tested for stds

 

4. Take care of yourself, eat, drink, sleep, exercise.

 

5. Keep busy and know you will be better every day.

 

(Mom hugs)

[supaflyz]

Man I'm so sorry to hear this. I thought mine was a bad break up. I don't wish this on no one. I'm really sorry that you had to go through this. Sometime its better to not finding out something than knowing the truth. What she did to you was wrong. She had the audacity to call it a delusion. NO matter if she didn't do anything physical with him, there was emotional cheating. Be glad that you broke up with her and it was only 6 months. I just found out that my ex might have borderline personality disorder. There was just so much evidence that are related with BPD that I have a hard time not believing that she does have it. I really don't know what to tell you but to stay strong and get rid everything you have of her .

[Chris5012]

My my my, I am sorry for your pain...and I mean this in the most sincere way. Good Lord you dodged a bullet!

 

It is time to take away her stage and soap box.

 

My recommendations in no particular order.

 

1. Write a goodbye letter to her parents and tell them you are sorry that you will never be family, but that you uncovered her faithlessness and could not resolve it therefore the relationship ended. (I hate leaving lies to be assumed for truth)

 

2. Block her from all contact mechanisms. No need to hear her make excuses and absolutely no need to hear her when she starts the begging and Hoovering to suck you back in.

 

3. Get tested for stds

 

4. Take care of yourself, eat, drink, sleep, exercise.

 

5. Keep busy and know you will be better every day.

 

(Mom hugs)

UPDATE: Now, she wants to meet me with our previously joint Christian family counselor. The same man she brazenly lied to in May when she denied the tryst was occurring. He called her to set it up twice, and word is she was crying hysterically on the phone. Like she couldn't hold it together. She persisted in her denial of the tryst to the counselor. Maybe she was faking it, or maybe just has lingering pain that she lost her cake eating chance. I heard the recording clearly, no doubt they were engaging in planning to have a sex session.

This woman is SICK. Able to compartmentalize lies with a straight face as she is a lawyer. She will never admit it, even if I play the recording.

 

So, why the hell should I even attend? What's in it for me?

 

More to the point, what is her likely motive in attending? Not sure I want to go.

[Chris5012]

My my my, I am sorry for your pain...and I mean this in the most sincere way. Good Lord you dodged a bullet!

 

It is time to take away her stage and soap box.

 

My recommendations in no particular order.

 

1. Write a goodbye letter to her parents and tell them you are sorry that you will never be family, but that you uncovered her faithlessness and could not resolve it therefore the relationship ended. (I hate leaving lies to be assumed for truth)

 

2. Block her from all contact mechanisms. No need to hear her make excuses and absolutely no need to hear her when she starts the begging and Hoovering to suck you back in.

 

3. Get tested for stds

 

4. Take care of yourself, eat, drink, sleep, exercise.

 

5. Keep busy and know you will be better every day.

 

(Mom hugs)

I am wondering if she even ever had love or true feelings for me, as she asserts. Can one cheat and still love the one they cheated on? Or be IN love with the one they cheated on?