tanbark813 Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 I was just wondering if other girls out there consider this normal... My gf's best friend recently broke up with her bf of two years. So, of course, my gf wants to be there for her friend and be supportive. She says that she might spend one night out of the weekend at her friend's house rather than at my place. She says that when she or her gf's break up with a guy, they usually sleep with the one who just broke up to comfort them so they don't have to be alone. Now, obviously this is a different dynamic than in friendships with guys. I'd take a guy friend out for beers after a breakup, but no way in hell would we sleep in the same bed as each other for comfort. But here's the thing I'm wondering about... My gf and I only see each other on the weekends. Even though I want her to be supportive of her friend, and I don't want to be too selfish, I still don't like having to lose time with my gf. So I asked her if she could just hang out with her friend but then come back to my place to sleep with me at the end of the night. She wouldn't give a definite yes or no about that but said that her friend would think that was weird. Now, personally, I think it's kind of weird that my gf's friend would think it was weird that she came back to sleep at my place. But since I'm a guy, maybe I just don't understand their friendship. Any other girls out there like this? Or are there any girls that are on my side about this one?
savethedrama4allama Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Hi Tanbark, This is completely normal. Let your girlfriend be a good friend and don't make her choose. It will invariably drive her away.
Merin Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Well, I can see why your gf wants to support her friend (Thank God for friends LOL) and you know.. I can even see her having like a girls night with her friend where she stays over at her house with her for an evening... but indefinatley?! Hell Naw! Maybe thats just me... but as much as I love my gf's and would totally support them after a break up... I think making a decision to have indefinate sleep overs.. well I just couldn't be down for that. Spending extra time with them, YES I would do, ONE night to hang with them, commiserate... agree with her that he was/is a dog YES I'm all about helping out like that. How long is this suppose to take place?
Author tanbark813 Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Sorry, I was unclear. It's not indefinite and my gf says it would probably only happen once. My main question, though, is why would her friend think that it's weird that I would want my gf to sleep with me at the end of the night?
savethedrama4allama Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Wait- I thought this was just for one night?
Merin Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama Hi Tanbark, This is completely normal. Let your girlfriend be a good friend and don't make her choose. It will invariably drive her away. HOWEVER... THE Llama hath spoken! Listen to the Llama;)
savethedrama4allama Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 If it were me, I'd be thinking about my friend "what, her boyfriend can't let her go for a night? how controlling!" Just me.
Author tanbark813 Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Why are people so quick to call it controlling? I just want to spend the night with my gf. What's so wrong with that?
Merin Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by tanbark813 Sorry, I was unclear. It's not indefinite and my gf says it would probably only happen once. My main question, though, is why would her friend think that it's weird that I would want my gf to sleep with me at the end of the night? Ohhh one night? Then all good! LOL I would totally do that for my girlfriend. I don't know if it's that your girlfriends friend would think it so much wierd that you wanted her to go home to you at the end of the night... as it is your girlfriend really wants to be there for her friend and one night.. isn't going to hurt anyone.. lol not to mention the fact that this will help you out immensly in your girlfriend not needing to have one of her girlfriends over to sleep over and commiserate about you! Jk jk! It's only one night;)
MadKurlz Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Well, my girlfreinds do it with me when i break up with someone, but the thing about her GF finding it weird, is cuz she needs her friend there and she would find it weird cuz she needs her more now than you.
EC Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 There's nothing wrong with that tan....but you can give up one night right? It's not weird Im there for my friends all the time...Going through a break up is really hard..and just the thought of being alone in your bed at night starring at the ceiling crying I mean it's really unbearable. I've done the sleepover thing and don't know how I would've gotten through it without my friends... If it's one night I think you'll be ok...your a big boy..and her friend needs her..it's a "girl thang". lol
surfergirl Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Wait a minute. Tan - baby doll - it's one night. Her friend needs a shoulder to cry on and someone to over-eat with so be ok with her going for one night. If you get lonely, although we can't entertain you like she can, get online and we'll keep you company until she gets back home That's just a girl thing. Not all girls - but I have done it before for my friends.
Author tanbark813 Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Thanks for the kind words surfergirl. Ok, ok, I'll just let it go. I guess I just couldn't relate because guys and girls get over breakups differently. Guys just like to get drunk and break s***.
surfergirl Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Me too and eat chocolate....that's a dangerous combo.
billybadass36 Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Recently my gf's best friend broke up with her boyfriend of several years. Also, my gf used to be the one who all her friends would call whenever they needed someone to commisserate with about how "rotten" their men were treating them and/or how miserable their own lives were/are. Now, what's going on is I feel like my gf's friends are getting increasingly jealous of the relationship that my gf and I share. The friend who was ALWAYS there for them is now carving out from their "girl" time more and more time for me. As a result, I've become accustomed to a certain allotment of time from my gf, and her friends have become agitated about her spending less and less time with them - especially so because I don't think any of them know what it's like to be in a mutually caring, beneficial relationship. I think that her friends are "jealous" of our relationship and "jealous" that I've somehow stolen my gf from them because she's always the one they turn to for a shoulder to cry on or to generally gripe about how sorry their love lives are. Well, now, since I've grown so accustomed to having all this attention lavished on me, when her best friend really needs her, I've sort of felt a pang of jealousy myself. Oh well. I just thought maybe you could benefit from my quasi-analysis in my "related" situation. I just think we get a little spoiled when our gf's have given us a reason to expect a certain allocation of their free time. Sucks, but what can you do? If you do anything but let her hang out with the friend, then you'll just give the harpies (the gf's friends) a reason to call you controlling, etc. If there's one thing you don't want to do it's getting the flock of her friends pi$$ed at you. Rather, you want to remain the shining-armor clad perfect guy that they wish they had instead of your gf.
Author tanbark813 Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 To billybadass: That is helpful and I agree with your viewpoint on the whole thing for the most part. The thing that really sucks is that you have to be a doormat for her friends to like you. God forbid you should have any opinions of your own or put in your own requests for time. Then you just get labelled like what you just said: as controlling. Ah well...
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 She's trying to be supportive to her friend in a time of need. I think it's sweet you want to be with her every night possible, however. I conclude that her friend will question her sincerity most likely if she stays for a while - only to get back to you. Her friend needs her. Let her have her. Your woman will miss you greatly and think of you often - I guarantee it. Especially if you're a sweetheart about it all. I took a girlfriend of mine out one time, it was a post-dump night. I just let her booze herself to oblivion. My boyfriend understood, and because of that, I sat there with her thanking God that I had a man worth waiting for me and couldn't wait to see or talk to him again. It's innocent. She'll miss you in return, her friend will feel good, and it will make it all the better. And besides, I'm sure she won't mind keeping in contact with you at least once in the night?
billybadass36 Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 The friends are always the first to point the finger at you for being "controlling" especially when they, themselves, are trying to "control" your gf. I think it's just that women have a hard time seeing other women in a healthy, dreamy relationship especially when they themselves are not. I don't like it when we fall into a pattern of "spending every weekend" together, which then gives rise to an assumption that we'll be spending the weekend together, and then when it's too late to make other plans, some "drama" with one of her friends erupts so she has to dash over to console her friend, leaving me without a ticket to the MSU football game that Saturday because I had planned all along on doing something with my gf instead. (As you can see, I'm still bitter.) Yes, I'd have rather spent the day with my gf than go to the game, but the game was a close second, and even that was out of the question b/c of the untimeliness of this "emergency". Now, had the shoe been on the other foot, and there was an "emergency get my buddy drunk because his lying, cheating girlfriend dumped him night" and I had to bail on my gf with short notice, leaving her at home to catch up on some reading (or more likely, give her an excuse to go out clubbing with her friends to make dang sure I never bailed on her at the last minute again), it'd be hell to pay. It's yet another double standard that we have to deal with because there's not a thing we can do about it.
savethedrama4allama Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 There have been times that I really needed my best friends. There are times my best friends really needed me. Normally I like to spend my free time with my boyfriend. It hurts a lot to be away from him in these extenuating circumstances. Know she will be missing you as much as you miss her. What I have to say to this: The friends are always the first to point the finger at you for being "controlling" especially when they, themselves, are trying to "control" your gf. I sincerely disagree with this- and I don't think this friend is trying to control your girlfriend. She asked a request of her in a time of need. Your girlfriend willingly agreed. How is that controlling? If the friend said "please?" and your girlfriend said "no, I'd rather be wtih TanBark" and the friend went off- yeah, that would be controlling. I think it's just that women have a hard time seeing other women in a healthy, dreamy relationship especially when they themselves are not. And I dont think that some men understand the kind of bond that is between women, and see it as a threat.
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