Relationship just ended

[Valaro]

Hi guys,

 

This is my first time here as a user and I could really use some advice. I am 24 and my ex girlfriend is 21.

 

I have just been dumped by my girlfriend of 3 years. We were amazing together! We did everything and went everywhere and really enjoyed each others company. Until one day I did something stupid. Now when I was young I was diagnosed with ADHD and since then I have suffered ever since, only, without realising. I refused to believe when I was 17 that I had it, even after losing many jobs and friends and not getting very far in my career and education and I was faced with a choice when I turned 18 to drop all psychologists and medication and help and that was that.

 

When I was 21 I met Ashlee. I was working in a homeware store at the time and randomly we met in work. We barely spoke except for saying Hi and i never thought anything of her until one day Facebook suggested I be friends with her. So I did then that spawned into getting her number randomly and we started texting. So after dating and then making it official we were a couple very deeply in love. A year a half or so into our relationship an old friend (a girl) text me saying "Oh hey, hows you I've just broke up with my boyfriend and need someone to talk to". I thought aww well couldn't hurt. WRONG. The texts quickly turned sexual, and we exchanged many explicit messages and i thought it was harmless fun until Ashlee came over and we slept together and it was a great night. After she put my gown on and went to the bathroom. My phone was in there and she read it and read every message. She was furious. We talked at length about what it might have been, and i said i was sorry and that I would never do it again. She forgave me after a few days and we got back on track.

 

Fast forward one year and we went on holidays to Croatia. An amazing holiday where she says and I agree that it was "perfect". We had such an amazing time. No phones no technology just beauty and sunshine. We were drinking one night and somehow the topic of old flames came up. She had 1. I had about 4, of which nothing ever happened with. One in particular used to mean a lot when I was at high school and after the holiday I started thinking about it. Like an idiot. So I thought I would get in touch with her and she how she was. Again it tuned sexual, and once again Ashlee found out. She broke up with me on the spot. After a week we met up and talked it out and it became apparent to me that ADHD was still a factor in my life as I wasn't capable of making good judgment calls, among a lot of other symptoms. Ashlee agreed that if I got help, she would take me back and help me through it. So I did. I started seeking professional help and a Psychiatrist basically told me "I cant serve your needs". I'm not sure what the hell that means anymore but at the time i went along with it and i could see Ashlee's frustration. So I was passed to a community group who advised me that medication would be a big help and to speak to my GP. She refused as she needed a recommendation from my Psychiatrist, and Ashlee then exploded and dumped me.

 

I sent her a letter as she cut off all communication with me and she replied saying she sees me as more of a best friend than as her boyfriend. And never wanted to speak to me again. After this I was referred to a Councillor to help me with my feelings regarding the breakup and that of ADHD, which i'm still seeking help for.

 

I managed to get in touch with Ashlee again and we started talking after about a month. I told her that it wasn't all lies and that I would get the help I needed. I said if she came with me this time to the meetings so she can see for herself and put her thoughts out there that may help. She agreed to this and even said that if all went well and that I wasn't lying she would consider getting back together and that we COULD have a future. A few days after that we were talking about sex and things we would like etc and she started reminiscing over some old pictures she had on her camera that we forgot we took. That was last week. Then something happened. She disappeared in mid conversation on Skype one night and went offline. So I messaged her the next day and said Hey look hope your ok, gimme a wee message if you're alright. She sent back going "I'm ok". I thought I did something and left her between 10-20 messages on Skype and several emails asking her to come and talk to me. Even after she said "I need a few days to myself".

 

On Sunday she messaged me saying that there was no hope of ever getting back together. I called her and we had a 2 hour conversation that what I had was "controlling" me and therefore what I did wasn't because i wanted to hurt her it was because my brain almost forces me to make ****ty decisions MOST of the time. She said that even if it did go away she fell out of love with me and that she didn't see a future with me anymore.

 

She said she wants to be friends, we are meeting up tomorrow to go to my doctor and she said she wants to come with me to make sure I get help as she still cares for me and doesn't want me to get hurt. It has become apparent after all this (together) we came up with something that after researching ADHD that I may have been misdiagnosed as my symptoms fall more in line with that of a Bipolar Disorder. I am not diagnosed with this yet but the evidence is overwhelming and i may in fact have this. But one thing remains for sure and has done since last year when I made this promise. I want to change and i want to stop being the person I am.

 

What I need advice on is - Could she ever take me back? Is there a way I can show her i'm still the man she fell in love with? Tomorrow she said could we go out for lunch and go to the cinema after we have went to this meeting. Is this the behaviour of someone who only wants to be friends? Yesterday I "started again" with her and said on Skype "Hi my name is Chris, what's yours" She replied and we have "started again" as shes playing along. Is there a way over time than I can "win" her back? If i get help and change myself for the better?

 

Thanks guys.And one liner "Move on" isn't really what i'm looking for here. I love her and I know she loves me, its just what i've become she doesnt love.

[daftpunk]

Having ADHD doesn't make you a dick, you know. Being a dick makes you a dick. You're lucky she forgave at all in the first place.

 

Now, whether or not you can change is up to you. Furthermore, whether or not she chooses to take you back is entirely up to her. Can you really expect her to trust you like she once did? Trust is very difficult to earn even when you don't have black marks on your record, so regaining it completely after making these mistakes will be something that will take years of work.

 

So, put yourself in her shoes. Should she waste these years on you with nothing but your "good word" to go on, or should she move on to someone else who has a fresh slate?

 

I get it. We're all imperfect. We make mistakes-- big ones. But if you're someone who continually struggles with recognizing things like the obvious immorality of sexting ex's while you're in a relationship with someone else, then I have to say she probably deserves better.

 

Hard truths are difficult to swallow. You can choose to be angry with me and deny what I'm saying, or you can make some real changes and see what happens. The choice is yours. Start choosing correctly.

Edited July 18, 2013 by daftpunk

[Valaro]

Daftpunk I have struggles in everyday life with what should be simple things. I have lost jobs by making stupid decisions when i know that inside my head i was practically screaming saying "NO WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".

 

I knew it was wrong when I did it and I have lived with regret and guilt ever since! What I feel I need is medication and therapy to manage my attitudes and my way of thinking, this is something I need not just for her but for me as an individual. I never wanted to hurt her as she gave me everything i ever needed. I know what I did was wrong and have spent everyday since trying to make up for it! And you missed the section about it likely being a Bipolar disorder which is a little different and more severe.

 

What I did I did for the sake of "taking a risk for a thrill" which I neither needed nor wanted. It was a mistake and I am truly sorry for it. Its so so difficult not knowing what i'm going to mess up next.

[Chi townD]

Daftpunk is right. If you have ADHD or even Bi polar, you still have the ability to know what's right and what's wrong. You stepped out on her twice and so she's got to be wondering if you were ever really serious about her at all.

 

Dude, she's on something called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute, she wants to be around you; the next, she's asking for space. One minute she's happy, the next she's sad. One minute she's laughing, the next she's crying. This is all normal because she's feeling confused about everything.

 

 

So, my advice....give her everything she's asking for. If she wants space, you give it to her. If she wants to talk, you listen. If she wants to break up......well, you're going to have to live with that.

 

If you're talking, make it light on not about the relationship. If you're going out to dinner and a movie, make sure it's nothing more than dinner and a movie. No relationship talk.

[Valaro]

Thanks Chi, I have been scouring the internet for advice and that seems to be the best advice. I wont talk about the relationship at all! Just gonna go and "have fun" is that is such a thing right now. She seems to enjoy my company.

 

Chi I DO KNOW what's right and what's wrong its making the final decision the OUTCOME of those thoughts that I seriously struggle with. I have worked in 18/20 places since I was 16 and never finished a proper course in education. I have almost no friends as when I move on to new jobs or places I just don't feel a want to talk to them. I DO want to change and I MUST change for my own future but i want her to see it too. I'm quite a needy person which is what she said was an issue. She has got in contact with me a few times the last few days not the other way around so I don't know what to make of that.