peabody Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 So, my ex-bf and I have been trying the "let's be friends" act for about three months now. We talk occasionally at work, maybe hang out here and there. Very casual and light, w/out any emotional involvement. Lately, things have been going south for me (deaths in the family, emotional stress, etc.) and he's noticed, and I can definitely tell it's annoying him because I won't come to him with my problems like I originally did when we were together. I don't know if he's just trying to be a good friend, but at times it feels like he's still trying to take care of me. When I don't reach out, he gets in contact with everyone including coworkers which is irritating. Truthfully, I'm not over him, but I feel like if I make myself emotionally vulnerable he'll know in an instant how much I still care about him. Though reconciliation is something that I ultimately want, I feel like we're in this weird place where he only shows how much he cares when he believes something is wrong. Otherwise, he pretends not to care. He broke up with me, and while it's nice to know he's keeping tabs on me, I don't know how to express to him that he lost his emotional access to me without lashing out. Any opinions or thoughts?
LinkWorshiper Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 The best I can do is tell you my experiences in a somewhat similar situation, though in the end, it is up to you to decide what you think is right. Usually doing what you feel will land you in the best possible place. At least, that's what I've come to realize. I think no matter how many opinions you get, you're the one who knows the situation best and thus, what the best way to deal with him is. We don't know him like you do, you know? Anyway, I did the same thing with my ex, who is going through this pretty intense crisis of self at the moment. But it was only very recently that I told him we should have space from each other because his emotional push and pull was damaging me. (And incidentally, three weeks of NC later, he sent me this incredibly raw and emotional letter about everything he was dealing with and how he hoped that when he was a better person, I would forgive him.) Anyway, up to that point, I had been spending time with him in the same fashion. He knew I wanted to fix things, but this emotional crisis was something that he wasn't talking about out loud, even though it was kind of obvious it was there. So we tried to be just regular friends, even though my instinct was to help him. There were times I caved and would tell him about emotional things I was going through, like when a good mutual friend of ours moved away and I was very sad. And I guess he took it as a cue to pretty much treat me like he always did except we weren't having sex or kissing or anything. One of the things I said to him when I told him it might be a good idea for us to not see each other for a bit was that it wasn't fair for him to expect the same relationship we always had if we weren't going to have all the bells and whistles too. So I guess my point is that being bros isn't going to help you if reconciliation is what you want. Lots of people will tell you what to do... and I'm going to tell you that you should do what you feel because that's what I ended up doing and I don't regret it at all, even if it was probably not what most people on this forum would have advised. (I wrote him a letter back, that is.) If you want to fix things, I think it's best to just be honest and not try to beat around the bush or sit around worrying that you were too friendly or whatever. Pull back if you have to protect yourself and let it be known why. I found that being totally up front with my ex has garnered the best possible results considering the situation. But that's just how I roll. Sorry if that was kind of rambly.. .
Author peabody Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Thank you!! This decision to just be upfront has been weighing on me. It's like, yes I'm going through things and he wants to help me, or "talk" about it but I can't give myself to him, without actually giving myself to him. I think I'm most afraid of just losing him completely because I'm not sure if he's aware of the emotional boundaries he's trying to cross.
LinkWorshiper Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 Think about it this way: if the situation was reversed, wouldn't you like it better if you were being spoken to in an upfront, no-BS kind of way? If you just say exactly what you think and back it up with consistent action, then you've done the best you can do. For me, what was really hard about being bros with my ex was that he would say one thing and then do something to totally contradict it -- that's where the emotional push/pull I mentioned was coming from. I had to put my foot down and be clear that it wasn't okay. Lead by example they say. I mean, otherwise, how was he going to know what his behavior was doing? Chances are he has no idea. Because, listen, this letter I got back from my ex... it was the first time he'd ever been totally honest with anybody. He wrote that he was sorry it took him the entirety of his life to even be able to do so, and that he was very unhappy with casual acquaintance, but that he needed to get his life on track and repair the damage he'd done to himself (lots of drugs and booze and ignoring the complications of self and others). But it took me making it clear that I was taking a big step back and why before he was able to come back with his true feelings about the whole thing. I think it gave him time to think about his own behavior without me as a factor, and also what I mean to him now that I wasn't there. The truth is that you have to risk losing him no matter what you do. If you're not betting it all, then you're not really committed to the race in my opinion. And the reason I say that is because if he feels like you're just trying to bluff him into doing something, or he knows that he can always just call you up any time if something else doesn't work out, then he's not really going to be able to handle his own stuff or figure out what you mean to him. You're doing him and you a disservice regardless of whether he wants to fix it or not, I think.
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