I'm back almost a year later and Ive done nothing but dig a deeper whole.

July 18, 2013

Boy reading my old threads is crazy. I wish I would of just ended it when I found out the first time he cheated on me. it’s so much to write ill try to shorten it out. Basically im still dealing with this person who I’ve been on and off since June 2012 before we met i told him i had slept with two of his friends. It was about a year prior to me even meeting him but I thought it was the right thing to do.. I went through a promiscuous stage in my life that I’m not proud of and was making some pretty bad carless choices.

He said he respected the fact that I told him but brought it up about 3 months into our relationship and said it was too much for him to deal with that he didn’t feel special knowing two people he knew could say they been w/ me/. I tried comforting him, trying to explain why I did those things then and telling him that it was in the past and that is not who I am today but he didn’t get it. Then I found out he was cheating on me the whole time with another person.. lived w/ her broke up w/ her all while we were together I was dealing with that since October to now.. this person is still involved in his life he says not now but I don’t believe it..

he was juggling us both for quite some time and we both were trying to be with this ******* and now for the worst part. I’m pregnant.. this will be my 4th kid and 3rd baby’s father im only 25 and apparently suck at life. I’m a great mother but just keep making the same mistakes over and over me and him were trying to work on things so we could be a fam but now he found out about something else I did in my past (slept w/ a celebrity) that he asked me about a few months ago of course.

I didn’t want to add to the problems and I lied but he hacked in my fb and now he says we need to take it even slower than we were because he can cope w/ my past its a lot to swallow and just disregarding the fact that he cheated on me with another person who I can still feel lingering around she hangs out with his family etc.. this pregnancy has been the worst experience of my life.. im so stressed and hurt and I let him down talk me calling me hoe verbally abusing me asking me why I did these things.

I didn’t even know him and he is making me feel as if I am the one who cheated. he constantly brings it up, he’s not affectionate or sweet and he says its because of my past that effects him from doing so.. I don’t know what to do he says hes in fear knowing his girl has the potential to be a hoe and it kills him to know that people he knows can say they have been with me.

Edited July 18, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 18, 2013

Why are you with this guy? When are you gonna learn? Stop having children before your married, I had 1 child with a man that never married me or stayed lesson learned!

Im sure your a great mother like you say but when does "you" come in?

July 18, 2013

Thank you for the brutal truth that I am already aware of. The thing is the issue is not that I already have kids w/ 2 other guys. His issue is the guys I slept around with during that stage in my life. This guy has put me through hell, I know I shouldn't even be bothering w/ him but at the same time of course I didnt want another failed relationship and Im just now another babymomma. I just cut things off for now i told him that I am hurting w/ him so w/o him wont make a difference. He wants to take babysteps to see if my past is something he can live w/ while im here forgiving him for the things he has actually done personally to me. I just cant even deal I am about to have this baby in October and I am under so much stress and pain.

GOD DAMN!

4 children, with 3 different fathers at the age of 25! Man oh man. You have dug yourself a deeeeeppppp hole. You have a ton of baggage, and you hurt all your credibility when you have all them kids with different partners.

Think about it. What kind of guy is going to want to be in a relationship with you when you have this triangle of men in your life you share children with?

You're right, you have made A LOT of bad decisions, and hurt yourself pretty badly when it comes to finding a future partner.

I have to give you some props tho. At least you didn't have 4 abortions. Then again, your children face a sorts of instability, and you're still acting like a child.

This right here is a prime example of why living liberal is a disaster. I know so many women in their 20's that have multiple kids with multiple men. They struggle with finding partners as well. You're not alone.

July 18, 2013

You may be a great mother in many areas of motherhood, but you certainly set a poor example to your kids when it comes to your emotional stability and your ability to make smart and healthy choices.

Start focusing 100% on your children and yourself.

"I didnt want another failed relationship and Im just now another babymomma."

You should have enforced that boundary for yourself after kid #1 and failed relationship #1. If you still can't get it right, maybe you need to stay away from men and start focusing on why you keep making these choices.

At this point this guy isn't going to be what gives you that happy family. On and off since June 2012, you need to move on. And he was cheating on you. C'mon. Grow up.

Edited July 18, 2013 by Zahara

July 18, 2013

Yes, thats what I am going to do.. start making better choices and setting better examples from this point on. I should have learned sooner but hey my kids are here and im very thankful for them and cannot change whats done now... Ive been so wrapped up in all this nonsense far too long.

You may be a great mother in many areas of motherhood, but you certainly set a poor example to your kids when it comes to your emotional stability and your ability to make smart and healthy choices.

Start focusing 100% on your children and yourself.

"I didnt want another failed relationship and Im just now another babymomma."

You should have enforced that boundary for yourself after kid #1 and failed relationship #1. If you still can't get it right, maybe you need to stay away from men and start focusing on why you keep making these choices.

At this point this guy isn't going to be what gives you that happy family. On and off since June 2012, you need to move on. And he was cheating on you. C'mon. Grow up.

July 18, 2013

I think you should forget about men for the time being. Focus on improving your life. My mum had a child with a man who didn't marry her. She went on to excel as a lawyer and eventually met my Dad. They got married a year later and went on to have four kids ( I was the last). They were together for over 26 years until he passed away. I know you can't compare having one child to having three. But the point is that you need to start to find a purpose for your life.

What do want out of life? You've had enough kids to last you a life time - no jokes ( unless you end up married to a very wealthy man).

So the good thing is that you can put your procreation duties aside for a moment and focus on improving your personal development. Do you receive child support from the father of your other children?

Do you have a degree? What are your life goals and what are you doing to achieve them?

I'm not trying to throw some shade at you but I bet you are a black woman? I am too and so I encourage you not to live up those baby momma with different fathers stereotypes. You can and will be great if you choose to be

Forget about men. Focus on some positive goals. This man will NOT stay with you. He will not assume responsibility for your other kids either

You will never be a family

I suggest that if you want to improve your chances of having a stable life and hopefully finding a worthy partner eventually, you need to fix up- primarily for yourself and your children.

I don't even know where to start but I'd say : start with your mind.

Edited July 18, 2013 by Sunshine87

July 19, 2013

No need to judge her so harshly, OP has admitted she has made some poor choices and is aware which is a start! On the plus side, you are young and can still do whatever you want to at this point in your life. This man sounds like a loser to be honest, focus on yourself and your family, have a safe pregnancy and birth, stress is unhealthy for you right now. Do you have a support network? Family that can help you atm?

Hold out for a man that will love you and your children and who will accept and appreciate you. Let the other woman have him since he is there anyway.

Wishing you the best and a safe birth!!

July 19, 2013

I'm not here to judge you but I feel truly sorry for your kids who born from different fathers and unmarried. I guess it will affect them in the future how they act toward you. It will not be easy to find a man who will accept you and your kids regarding your background. I don't know how you manage to get pregnant by different man without married. As for this current man, I really think you should just focus on your kids and pregnancy. I wish you all the very best for your upcoming birth of your child. Please take care of your self and your kids and forget that a$$$clown! He is not worth it. You will not find happiness with him, he keeps on judging you with your past and I don't think he will love and responsible for your other kids and I don't think he loves you. Screw him and find better man!

July 19, 2013

Again the issue is not w/ me having kids already.. That was one of the things that actually attracted him to me the fact that I am a great mother other than making the decision to have different fathers, I was w/ both of them for over 4 years I am independent I have split custody w/ both of them. No need to feel sorry for my children, they are very involved in their fathers lives, very loved they come first in our lives. I have a job, car, my own place, have them in day care etc.. I also do have a strong support system. I’m very close w/ my family and they do help when I need it. I didn’t come on here to be judged or get advice on my motherhood. I’m on here getting judged when that is the exact issue Im having with this person. Judging me! I guess that’s just what people do.. Automatically make their assumptions about a person when they know nothing about what that person has been through or what that person has learned. I am well aware that I have not been making wise decisions, I’m definitely learning and can only take it from this point on.. As far as this guy.. I’m going to take it slow. His issue is w/ my sexual past. I can sympathize and understand why he would feel a certain way about it to an extent. But yea.. I’m pretty much done on here thanks for all the feedback even the negative.

And for the record Im not black. lol I'm latina, born in Honduras raised in Las Vegas since I was 2 years old...

July 19, 2013

I'm sorry the "advice" made you feel worse Op. People weren't focusing on the issue at hand, which was the relationship. I hope you don't let the negativity deter you from venting here because everyone is going through the same heartache and needs somewhere they can speak freely. Wishing you best!

July 19, 2013

Your biggest problem is, is that you've lied to the guy and you've been trickle truthing him i.e. the celebrity and that puts him back to square one. He's walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop. Wondering what else he's going to find out about you. What else aren't you telling him.

I mean, if he's having a problem with your PAST, then that's his hang up and not yours. But, if you're not forthcoming with the truth about your past, then how's he going to trust you?

Look, I understand that the past is the past and that you're not proud of some of the things that you did. And you probably would rather leave those things IN THE PAST! However, I do believe that you need to have a sit down with him and just lay it all out there for him. Answer any question he may have. Just get it out there once and for all.

Then, see where you stand after that.

July 19, 2013

I'm not trying to throw some shade at you but I bet you are a black woman? I am too and so I encourage you not to live up those baby momma with different fathers stereotypes. You can and will be great if you choose to be

.

I'm not trying to throw some shade at you but your reality sucks if you assume that based on the fact that she has multiple kids by multiple men makes her a black woman. I'm sorry that appears to be your reality but not all Black women are baby momma's smh...And that statement coming from another black women ... yet we wonder why people contasntly look down on black people. Its because black people dont even have high expectations for us.

July 19, 2013

Again the issue is not w/ me having kids already.. That was one of the things that actually attracted him to me the fact that I am a great mother other than making the decision to have different fathers, I was w/ both of them for over 4 years I am independent I have split custody w/ both of them. No need to feel sorry for my children, they are very involved in their fathers lives, very loved they come first in our lives. I have a job, car, my own place, have them in day care etc.. I also do have a strong support system. I’m very close w/ my family and they do help when I need it. I didn’t come on here to be judged or get advice on my motherhood. I’m on here getting judged when that is the exact issue Im having with this person. Judging me! I guess that’s just what people do.. Automatically make their assumptions about a person when they know nothing about what that person has been through or what that person has learned. I am well aware that I have not been making wise decisions, I’m definitely learning and can only take it from this point on.. As far as this guy.. I’m going to take it slow. His issue is w/ my sexual pa
st. I can sympathize and understand why he would feel a certain way about it to an extent. But yea.. I’m pretty much done on here thanks for all the feedback even the negative

And for the record Im not black. lol I'm latina, born in Honduras raised in Las
Vegas since I was 2 years old...

Yes, unfortunately people do make judgements. It takes a VERY special to accept his/her partner. We are all looking for someone to love us for who we are...this is no easy feat. MOST people struggle with that, so you are not alone.

I know love is strong etc but at this point I don't even know why you are bothering with this dude. Take a look at the big picture. What do you think will come out of this? Right now, you need a very MATURE man who will look past your errors and accept you for who you are. Most women do. This man you describe will not do so. Why dont you focus on your kids for now?

I think that this guy is such a trivial issue compared to the responsibilities you have. When my mum had her child, the father of her child hurt her badly. She was focused on providing the very best for her child and couldn't care less about men. She met my Dad under strange circumstances- her sister wanted a job so she followed her office. My Dad was in the same department that her sister wanted to go into. That's how they met.

Now is the time to get your priorities straight. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh but you must let go of all toxic relationships in order to move forward with your life. You need to take care of yourself. I wish I could shake you right now, so you could focus on the bigger picture.

July 19, 2013

I'm not trying to throw some shade at you but your reality sucks if you assume that based on the fact that she has multiple kids by multiple men makes her a black woman. I'm sorry that appears to be your reality but not all Black women are baby momma's smh...And that statement coming from another black women ... yet we wonder why people contasntly look down on black people. Its because black people dont even have high expectations for us.

Of course I know that many black women are not baby mommas....I mentioned the word "stereotype" didn't I? I also mentioned that my mother ( who is one of the most responsible and hardworking woman ever) had a child outside of wedlock. So this isnt abut judgement but honest talk.

The truth is while many black women do not fit into the "baby momma" stereotype, multiple children by multiple fathers is common among SOME of

the black populace and I am encouraging her NOT to live up to THAT stereotype- i.e woman who is lazy, unambitious, desperate to keep a man by any means eg through getting pregnant for him, sexually irresponsible,

promiscuous, dramatic and who eventually ends up as NOTHING but a baby making machine with a string of equally irresponsible men who don't pay child support etc.

The OP has expressed that she has changed etc. But yet she is still beating herself up over ANOTHER looser. She needs to understand that her value is not tied to any of these men. She needs to be able to LIVE without a man( temporarily) and focus on the right things.

July 19, 2013

Kate Winslet had two children by two different men. They were both her ex-husbands. She is pregnant now with her third child ( third man and third husband). Some might say that her situation is a bit different as she was married to these men. But MY point is, despite her situation - she has many other things going for her. She is ambitious, accomplished, successful, a dedicated mother etc. Now compare her with the "stereotypical baby mama" I described in my previous post.

You can't change the past but you can chart out a new future by taking the right decisions. Priortise.

July 21, 2013

I'm not trying to throw some shade at you but your reality sucks if you assume that based on the fact that she has multiple kids by multiple men makes her a black woman. I'm sorry that appears to be your reality but not all Black women are baby momma's smh...And that statement coming from another black women ... yet we wonder why people contasntly look down on black people. Its because black people dont even have high expectations for us.

Amen. That comment was sad. SMH.

Moving along... DKP, you need to finally let go of this man. He is playing you. You're carrying his child and he's still dithering about whether or not he wants to be with you? Firstly, honestly and truthfully, that is not father material and you made a poor choice for yourself and your child that will last a lifetime. That's just the truth. But secondly, and this is something you CAN change, that is not boyfriend/husband material either and it's time to gather your self respect and move on.

There is nothing to salvage in this relationship. Move on. It will not end well if you try to drag it out. Probably just another kid and a lot more headaches.

PS: To the person who said "at least you didn't get four abortions"... Um, I guess we all come from different walks of life but I can tell you that from my experience the people who practice effective birth control and emergency birth control methods are often the most responsible and competent in life. JMO.

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