Caring who BF's brother dates???!! (please read I need advice)

[_Mujer_Enamorada_]

Hi all. I have a bit of a dilema. I've been with my boyfriend for awhile now (1.5 years) and am happy in the relationship. We are both committed and very much in love. We don't argue or fight very much and when we do of course it is petty and about small pretty much insignificant things.

 

In this relationship I have not cheated and neither has he, we've been together basically everyday since the day we met and I don't think I would want it any other way.

 

So here is my dilema ))---------------------------------------->>>

 

My boyfriend has a brother one year our junior. He is the sweetest, most adorable guy I've ever met (besides my BF). He and I were casual friends and there has always been a "unspoken affection" between us. We seem to have this "warmth" and affection that passes between us when we look into each other's eyes. I know he feels it and so do I. Honestly if it wasn't for being with my BF I would be with his brother in a heart beat. I feel such longing and admiration for his brother, similar to what I feel for my BF.

 

Please before I get "told off" or "flamed" please know that I have never attempted or acted on my feelings and never would out of pure respect for my BF and his brother's relationship and for the fact that I would never do this to my boyfriend he is a wonderful guy and would never deserve such a thing. When I am with my BF I don't think of his brother but when we're seperate (during the mornings/afternoons) I think about his brother a lot.

 

Now his brother has been seeing a married lady for about 6 months and the "affection feeling" between us has remained, and this past weekend he has met someone else also. She was a drunked girl who came home with him as he was leaving his place of employment (a factory). She has been there for the past 3 days.

 

I am feeling really sad at the fact that he has lowered himself to "be with" someone who has no self respect and would "do" some guy she met in a parking lot less than 10 minutes before all the while she was drunk and has been since then. I'm saddend and sickend and wish I could rid myself of these feelings.

 

I guess in my long rambling besides getting this off my chest I was wondering how can I remove these feelings from within myself. What should I do? I wouldn't interfere in telling him she's no good for him nor can I make mention of this to his brother (my BF) for obvious reasons. I feel horrible feeling this way for his brother and even worse for feeling so negative about the new girl in his life...he is still dating the other married woman too. He's never been a dog but decided since the married woman won't leave her husband like she'd told him all along she was making arrangements to do that he would see other people as well.

 

Anyway I am just wanting some advice on how to get rid of my feelings for him, and not be bothered by the choices he makes and the fact that he is seeing someone so disgusting...

[Merin]

1) It's none of your business who your Boyfriends brother dates, regardless of your affection for him.

 

2) Keep in mind (and I'm not flaming you) that you are dating your boyfriend not his brother... and even if you and your boyfriend broke up, you would still not be dating his little brother.

 

3) Stop looking at his little brother as the object of your affection.. try looking at him as your younger brother as well...

 

4) Don't make judgments on the people he chooses to date and/or hook up with. I'm assuming he is an adult.. he isn't married so his choices are his to make.

 

5) Did I say it's none of your business whom your boyfriends brother dates regardless of your affection for him?

 

Take care of your own relationship with your boyfriend, and leave the younger brother out of the equation.

[_Mujer_Enamorada_]

Originally posted by Merin2

1) It's none of your business who your Boyfriends brother dates, regardless of your affection for him.

 

2) Keep in mind (and I'm not flaming you) that you are dating your boyfriend not his brother... and even if you and your boyfriend broke up, you would still not be dating his little brother.

 

3) Stop looking at his little brother as the object of your affection.. try looking at him as your younger brother as well...

 

4) Don't make judgments on the people he chooses to date and/or hook up with. I'm assuming he is an adult.. he isn't married so his choices are his to make.

 

5) Did I say it's none of your business whom your boyfriends brother dates regardless of your affection for him?

 

Take care of your own relationship with your boyfriend, and leave the younger brother out of the equation.

 

Yes it isn't my business who he dates, he is an adult and yes I know that I should focus on my relationship with my BF. This isn't one sided, he has called me secretly, pursued me in subtle ways (I have declined his advances) he doesn't fail to let his brother (my BF) know how special I am and how he is lucky that he has me, ect.

 

It isn't like I'm "obessesing" over him. I have "judged" her secretly because I see the way she acts, she comes across as a complete whore!! But out of my respect for my BF and his brother I will never say this to either of them or make her feel uncomfortable around us.

 

My relationship with my BF doesn't need "taking care of" it is as healthy and good as it has ever been or will ever get. I just want to rid myself of these feelings for his brother that his brother and I share for each other but I have no idea how to do so. Even when I don't see or talk to his brother these feelings do not subside.

[Barby]

I won't go on about how you shouldn't be having feelings for both brothers because I think from your post you know that already, however I do think that it is a good thing that you haven't "acted or attempted to act" upon your feelings for the younger brother. At least you're not like other people who'd act then say "oops it just happened, now what do I do"

 

I commend you for being responsible enough not to think of only your feelings!

 

 

Now how to get over your feelings for the younger brother, well that I don't have an answer for...I wish I could help but I don't have any answers for you.....all I can say is Good Luck!

[Merin]

Originally posted by _Mujer_Enamorada_

Yes it isn't my business who he dates, he is an adult and yes I know that I should focus on my relationship with my BF. This isn't one sided, he has called me secretly, pursued me in subtle ways (I have declined his advances) he doesn't fail to let his brother (my BF) know how special I am and how he is lucky that he has me, ect.

 

It isn't like I'm "obessesing" over him. I have "judged" her secretly because I see the way she acts, she comes across as a complete whore!! But out of my respect for my BF and his brother I will never say this to either of them or make her feel uncomfortable around us.

 

My relationship with my BF doesn't need "taking care of" it is as healthy and good as it has ever been or will ever get. I just want to rid myself of these feelings for his brother that his brother and I share for each other but I have no idea how to do so. Even when I don't see or talk to his brother these feelings do not subside.

 

I'm not suprised really that you seem offended by my reply... sorry if it offended you, but I was as gracious about it as I could be.

 

You seem to feel justified in feeling how you do because it isn't "one sided" that your boyfriends little brother has called you on the low... and given you "subtle hints" IMHO just because you may not have been like "Heck yeah lets hook up" I have a hard time believing you told him "DON'T call me I'm dating your brother and have ZERO interest in having a romantic relationship with you" Because obviously you do like him, and you do have an interest in him.

 

I wasn't saying your relationship with your bf isn't good and when I said take care of it... know that all relationships have to be taken care of good relationships don't just occur and happen by themself.

 

Judging who his brother dates like she acts like a whore? again... I just don't agree with your doing this.. he isn't yours and is single.

 

Thats my 4 and 1/2 cents. sorry.

[jmargel]

My relationship with my BF doesn't need "taking care of" it is as healthy and good as it has ever been or will ever get

 

Then that's a scary thought, knowing you have feelings for his brother.

[_Mujer_Enamorada_]

Not everyone has feelings for someone else outside their relationship especially when it's healthy and happy. I would love to figure out what's wrong with me, why do I feel this way when I know I have someone who is cuter, adores me beyond belief, totally loves me, gives me their all and is faithful. I love him and adore him as well but my feelings won't go away....

 

Why would someone who feels like there is nothing lacking in their current relationship still develop feelings for someone else? Is it like wanting what you can't have in a sense? ----like the grass is greener on the other side---- theory? Even when I know my --side-- is green as it can be?

 

 

Everyone wants to tell me I'm wrong, which I know is true and I'm by no means asking for validation but what I am seeking is some insight into why I could be feeling this way and what I should do about it. Obviously people probably can't tell me why so I know I probably won't learn anything new by posting this but I figured I'd give it a try and see what happens.

[jmargel]

It is probably because he is unattainable. What he has done to his brother (your bf) is also wrong. My brother would never do that to me, try to put moves on my wife. You can't get much more disrespectful than that.

 

Why would someone who feels like there is nothing lacking in their current relationship still develop feelings for someone else? Is it like wanting what you can't have in a sense? ----like the grass is greener on the other side---- theory? Even when I know my --side-- is green as it can be?

 

Because you already have it all. Perhaps you are bored, perhaps your mission has been accomplished. You found what most women would never find. Don't try to fix something that isn't broken. You are playing with fire here, and you are the one that will be getting burned.

 

Everyone wants to tell me I'm wrong, which I know is true and I'm by no means asking for validation but what I am seeking is some insight into why I could be feeling this way and what I should do about it. Obviously people probably can't tell me why so I know I probably won't learn anything new by posting this but I figured I'd give it a try and see what happens.

 

Why are you feeling this way? It's because of infatuation, which is an attraction, or which will become a short lived passion if you push this. This will cost you your bf. You will then be left with nothing, and someone else will have him.

 

What to do about this? Stop fantasizing about his brother. Let him make his own choices. This is his life, he has no responsibility towards you. Quit being selfish and instead show your love towards your bf. You don't know what you truly have until it's gone, otherwise you would never be doing this.

[Jilly10340]

Maybe you feel this way because you DO have everything that you could ask for in a bf. With your bf you want for nothing. Maybe you feel this way because you just want to WANT again. You want to want someone.

 

What you should do is just let it go. Because if you do act on it and and lose your bf, all you'll want then is to have everything back the way it was.

[NoName]

It is possible to have feelings for someone outside your relationship - even if your realtionship is really healthy. Not feelings of love obviously, but an attraction.

 

I did. These feelings do NOT threaten my relationship and they will never ruin it, but they were there. They've almost completely gone now though. Like you, _Mujer_Enamorada_, there was an unspoken affection there. Still is, although in a different way.

 

Oh, it's my boyfriend's little brother aswell (who is a few months older than me).

 

I'm sick of everyone thinking that I'm a terrible person... because I would never have acted on my feelings and neither would he, and for gods sake I am only human, I can't help who I'm attracted to. You don't know what it's like before you actually stand in my shoes.

 

_Mujer_Enamorada_, the only thing that has helped me (and it has, honestly) is to get over myself and simply appreciate knowing this wonderful person. Accept the fact that you can never be with him - I know it's hard, I've been there, (hard isn't the word!!) but once you are honest with yourself and accept that, then you can have fun with him as a friend.

 

You should feel lucky that you've encountered someone so wonderful in your life. I now think of my boyfriends family as my family, and this includes his brother. I have come to see him as MY brother (I suppose, brother in law), and I feel so lucky that I have such a wonderful brother. I guess the feelings of attraction would still be there if I could dig them out, but I won't ever and I don't want to. Things are easier now. We have a great friendship.

 

Honey, I know this will be really hard for you. I wish I had bettwer answers. You're not alone, I know every feeling you're going through. It's just an impossible situation...so there's no point even dwelling on it. Take care of yourself, I'll be thinking about you. I'm so glad I've found someone like me!!