Does this sound like a reasonable way to have her make a choice

[404namenotfound]

I have known this girl for almost half a year now and we have liked each other most of that time. While that's been happening she is in the weirdest relationship I have ever seen with her ex. They haven't been official for over a year but they occasionally go on these double or triple dates with friends from their high school. They don't ever do anything just the two of them and it sounds like they always split the bill (this is what I have gathered from FB stalking). I don't think either of them really loves the other one they just kind of get back together because its all either of them knows (first relationship for both). She has actually confirmed that to me and basically said she would date me if she wasn't still involved with the ex(I can explain that if you want). Also we are both in college now, they dated in high school, just figured I should say that to clear it up.

 

Now she has essentially made a move on me and is driving 3 hours to spend the weekend at my place and wants me to provide some beer. She sounds super excited and tells me how dolled up she's going to get. If I were a sleazy guy I could totally get her to bone but I'm not going to "play" her.

 

I really don't want to start something while the ex is around even though I do really like this chick. So my idea is let her take this weekend as far as she wants, and let her show me how she feels about me. Presumably something relatively minor like her kissing me will happen without me provoking any of it. Then once that's happened it gives her something to think about and I can casually bring up the concept of "us" and her leaving the ex for good at some point when I'm chatting with her after the fact.

 

Does that make sense? What are your thoughts?

 

No I am not daft enough to actually start a real relationship while she has feelings for the ex but I have no problem making out with her and showing some physical affection with no commitment until she's decided to get over the ex.

Edited July 18, 2013 by 404namenotfound

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like she just wants to have fun. I agree, don't want to get involved with someone who has feelings for another.

 

I wouldn't bring anything up as she's not going to instantly be over her ex, no matter what you say or ask. And if she agrees and says she's over it, it's nothing but a lie to get you to commit. If you are ever to pursue anything serious with this woman you'll need to let her actions show her intentions.

[404namenotfound]

Ok so that's about what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't too clear on this but I'm trying to find out if there is anything I can do (I guess not say). To help her move along without friendzoning myself or making myself a rebound.

 

What I would like to do is accelerate the cycle for her moving on, at the rate things are going nothing's going to change until the ex finds someone else to commit to which knowing him will not happen any time soon. He's the kind of guy that just hooks up with the sorority chicks and then this girl never knows about it.

[404namenotfound]

I just had a thought. Is it possible that she is giving this thing with her ex one last shot and in the meantime scoping out me? I wouldn't really appreciate that too much but could it be?

 

I just had an epiphany about the way she talks to me and everything she says. Without boring you with all the details it sounds like she is really looking forward to seeing me at the beginning of the semester, way more than any person would be excited to see a friend they have only known for 6 months. Given her general flirting maybe she's already decided that after giving it one last shot she'll either move on or the ex will have redeemed himself (doubtful).

[Philosoraptor]

She needs to take whatever time necessary to get over her past in order for anyone to have a clean slate in her future. Nothing you can do about it other than give her time. She's already said it all through both her words and her actions. If you're comfortable just having fun with her, she's likely up for that. If you want more, don't get your hopes up for anything to last.

[404namenotfound]

Ok so that makes sense that she might not want to just jump into something new. Given that she is probably going to try something with me should I just go with the flow, have fun now and hope that in time she gets it figured out? Or would fooling around with her now ruin future chances.

 

I don't want to sound like a total sap here but we really do get along well and it looks like she likes me. So I'd really like to not screw up the possibility of us actually being together. If I just wanted to have short term fun I wouldn't be putting in this amount of effort and I'd go find some sorority chick.

[Philosoraptor]

If you can handle just having a physical relationship right now then let her take the lead. If not, you can just say something like "I reserve myself for commited relationships" if she tries something.

[404namenotfound]

I don't have a problem with a purely physical relationship now. I mean I'm a male college student after all...

 

That said I would forfeit that to have a real relationship down the road. But it doesn't sound like a choice I have to make.