Detroiten Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Hey all, I'm new to the forums here so I'm hoping the advice and community here is good - some places on the internet just seem to tell people to break-up at the first sign of trouble. I've been going out with my boyfriend for about a year now (we're 22 years old and a gay couple) and recently we've faced some issues. About 2 months ago I had a massive anxiety attack about not wanting to be in the relationship any more, having obsessional thoughts about not loving him. This is my first relationship and the first time I'd experienced something so intense, so I told him and we agreed to have some distance till I felt better. It later turned out I had glandular fever and I was also about to take my uni exam finals, and I could attribute most of my relationship stress to those two things when I had some more clarity. So once I felt better after about 4 days I spoke to him and we slipped back into a relationship and I was happy again. Unfortunately I couldn't speak to him much for the next two weeks due to being very ill and stressed and he thought our relationship was still in a bad place. I gradually realised he had distanced himself from me and I vowed to myself to fix it when my exams were over. When we next met up he was very strange around me but just said he was tired. We had sex that night and everything was much better after we'd been physically close and intimate again. I couldn't shake the feeling I'd just had from earlier that day though and so that night I checked his phones texts (something I regret to this day and can't believe I did). However, I found a conversation where he was arranging to meet up with a guy he sought out online for sex. I could see from the texts he had never done it though, but from what I could see it could have been due to logistics rather than a change of heart. I felt my stomach in my throat at this point - I couldn't believe my partner had nearly cheated on me. But then I stopped and considered all the circumstances I'd put him under as well, and maybe he needed something I wasn't giving him (not an excuse! I'm just empathising). I immediately spoke to him about it and he apologised and then I did for looking through his phone, while he acknowledged what he did was far worse. He explained that he didn't really understand what he'd been thinking, that it was giving him some attention and thrill in the form of 'the chase', and that he viewed our relationship as being in some sort of a 'malaise'. He also told me that day (before I let on that I knew about the texts and was just asking him if he ever had cheated) that he had faced a traumatic sexual abuse experience when he was 15, that made him struggle with intimacy. I also believed it has heavily altered his attitude with sex which may have driven his motivation to search online for it to fill in gaps in our relationship. If anyone could help me understand more about how rape at that age affects someone please let me know! We both agreed that we wanted to make the relationship work and that we loved each other. He's not good at the 'heavy talks' though, and so communication has always had to be something I initiate which is very tiring, though he will talk to me when I ask him to. A week after all of this our relationship entered long distance circumstances for the foreseeable future. I know only the strongest relationships can survive being a LDR, but we still both agreed. Now my situation is that I can find it hard to be completely comfortable in the relationship. I do trust him and have had to very quickly after all that happened, but occasionally things just get a bit too much. I cope with it by writing my thoughts and feelings down and then ciphering through the things that are me venting and the things I need to discuss with him about. This way I've found that I'm respecting him not wanting to have lots of heavy talks, at the same time as trying to get my needs met. When he's tired and stressed though he contacts me less and I think maybe we slipped back into a bad phase again. My questions are as follows: Do you believe this relationship has a future? Do you think I've been a pushover? Do you think he's likely 'cheat' again? - sounds like I don't trust him, but I want an outside perspective Would you stay in this relationship? I love him which obviously makes the more logical answers harder to perceive.
TigerCub Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Hey OP, It seems to me that you're really straining to empathize (justify) his actions. You had doubts about the relationship - you voiced them. He had doubts - looked for someone to have sex with (and didn't go through with it mainly because of the logistics of it) not because of you. I wouldn't want someone that is so weak and so untrustworthy. You asked if you seem like a pushover - who cares what people think, in the end you will do what brings you happiness and if being with him does that - it's nobody's business. Personally, I think LDRs would be very difficult in general. In your case, you still have some thoughts/questions that pop up. It will make an LDR that much harder. Good luck
Author Detroiten Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 You're right. I probably have strained to justify far more than I should. I'm definitely over the worst phase of the issues though, and in some strange ways I feel as though we are stronger (or at least more connected) because of it. You're right again - only I can make this decision and I should stick by whatever I do/have done and accept that maybe it'll work maybe it won't. Thanks for replying.
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