atty Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Hi All, Like most of the folks on this board, I have an ex gf. It has been almost two months...of constant fighting and bickering. It was not an easy or clean break up. Anyhow, I recently initiated contact with her. What can I say, I understand NC is best, but I am done trying to villify her and decided to take responsibility for my actions. Our breakup was very hasty and done out of anger (She would probably admit as much). However, in my narrow cranium I reasoned that the easier way to get over this relationship was to make her hate me. (Don't ask I know that is incredibly stupid). I knew I would take being away from her very hard, so I decided to push her away. The funny thing is, she really wanted to give our relationship another shot in the beginning. Well anyways, during our recent conversations, we, and much to my surprise, discussed most of the major issues of our relationship, which was a shocking to me. My ex-gf is not a great communicator. What she most expressed to me was that she wanted me to listen better and be more trusting of her...I actually understood what she was saying. What also proved to be shocking is that she actually has called me back when she said she would. However, she has declined any invitation to meet 1 on 1. Which is to be expected. What is confusing to me and what I would like advice about she said she is hurt very badly, it would be painful to see me, and that she would like to forget me. Rather than getting upset, I said nothing and tried to understand where she was coming from m(which is a big step for a "caveman" like myself). She then preceded to end the conversation by saying she would call me tommorrow night. I did not push anything with her. I really tried to look at things from her point of view. Quite frankly, she said she is downright scared to let me back in her heart. I wont contact her again, but I did send her a "friendly" and not "romantic" little flower arrangement (If this is it, I wanted to go out on a high note and at least give her something good to remember). My question is: why say you want to forget you ever met me and then say I will call you tommorrow? It wasnt the type of coversation in which she needed some way to get off the phone with me (at least I think). If she does call, which I have a feeling she very well may, what advice does anyone have on how to conduct the coversation? I do love her and would probably be willing to give it another chance... Thanks in advance...
tattoomytoe Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 sounds like she is just confused.....on the one hand, yes i am sure she still has feelings for you, as you do her. But she is also mad at you, for what ever reason, so she cares, but is hurt. it hurts a lot more when someone you care about hurts your heart, than someone you really do not know. so why should she allow her heart to hurt more than it does now? But also it sounds like it hurts NOT to talk with you, so it just seems she has very conflicting feelings.
Weird Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 sounds like she is confused and wants to get back with you but is afraid she'll end up getting screwed/hurt. Just give her time and don't press anything. Let her decide how things go between you but don't sit there and be sad if nothing happens....and if she keeps giving you mixed messages (ie, I want to forget you but I will call you tomorrow stuff) then tell her to pick one and stick with it until she is ready to do the other. The wishy-washy stuff sucks.
Think too much Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 When relationships end bad it's hard to find closure. You hurt her by pushing her away to make it easier for you in the breakup. That really breaks people's hearts. Can you really blame her for being reluctant in putting herself at risk for being hurt like that again. Give her time to figure out what she wants. Don't be pushy. She probably did want to get off the phone with you. She has a lot of mixed emotions.
Author atty Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 thanks for your replies...it has been a short time from my original post. My ex has called me. We just spoke and I asked her what she wanted...she stated "to forget about you" so I am going to drink a beer, play some madden football, and cry myself asleep...my final words to her were...I will give you what you want....so I will disappear...for all the women who read my original post and think I was an a**h***...you are correct, and I am going to pay for it dearly....I REALLY DID LOVE HER
Author atty Posted October 27, 2004 Author Posted October 27, 2004 yep...the pain is really unbelievable right now! guess it is true...you reap what you sow
utwonderwoman Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 It sounds to me like she may have already found someone else and moved on.
Think too much Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 Atty, Sorry you are hurting. Many of us understand how much it hurts to loose the one you love. It sucks to cry yourself to sleep every night and not be able to get the ex out of your head. Try to stay positive. Hold on to your good memories you had with her and cherish them. Appreciate the time you had with her. There is someone else out there that is perfect for you. Hang in there.
Weird Posted October 27, 2004 Posted October 27, 2004 she may want to forget about you but me thinks she will contact you again within the next few months. Not saying that means anything...just saying she will contact you again for some reason.
Birca Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 Hihi, this is my first post here and I have to say this site rocks. My boyfriend dumped me about 3 weeks ago. The details of our problems arn't relevant to this post, but it was after a lot of fights, and when I was ready to dump him too. Then when he decided that he'd really had enough and wanted "a long break", and that he didn't want the relationship back "in the medium term" whatever that means, I realised I didn't want to lose him and was devastated. He started giving me what felt to me like a lot of mixed signals. He started contacting me, acting 'nice', as though this was gonna help my pain (it made me feel worse as he seemed so controlled and so happy with his decision to split up), telling me he wanted a friendship. He started reminiscing with me about the good times, and telling me he wanted to see me again (we had a long-distance relationship), and "wasn't saying we didn't have a future", and then on an other day, telling me he only wanted to see me if I understood that he didn't feel he wanted a relationship with me any more. I felt very very hurt and confused. It was like being dragged over broken glass by his kindness, but firmness that we were (at least for now?!) over. I was getting a lot of conflicting advice from friends - hes using you, hes trying to dump you gently, hes still interested, he needs space, he doesnt know what he wants...you can imagine. I wonder if you have been giving your ex the same confusing signals. After a few days I couldnt stand it anymore so I told him he was out of my life. I wanted some control back. The pain when I did that was worse than before, worse than anything I've ever known. So I called him, of course. I didn't want to let him go and give up hope. It sounds like your ex is feeling the same way. If she's taken the trouble to contact you to tell you she wants to forget you, she's just really hurting right now and wants you to know it. Someone who really wants to forget you just doesnt call, period. I remember another relationship that broke up pretty mutually and we both never called each other and got over it pretty quick. I dont have any answers as my own situation is very far from finished business. But it sounds like you two both have feelings for each other. I think if you want her back, tell her so, clearly in a way thats not a demand. Tell her you still love her and that *if* she wanted it you would give her another chance. Then respect her wishes and be there for her. What happens beyond that depends on other stuff between you and her. If she says shes scared to let you back in her heart, then one (or very likely both ) of you has hurt the other and needs to work on those issues before the relationship can be a good one. I've come to think this is better done alone, even if it hurts. Me and my ex used to argue in 100s of words of emails, failing to communicate with each other, but it wasnt until I was alone with my pain that I realised how I'd ****ed up. If she needs more space I'd use this time constructively - work out how *you* ****ed up. (Yeah, your only 50% of the story, but you're also the part you can change).
melnmojave Posted October 29, 2004 Posted October 29, 2004 sounds like you both need to just say what's on your heart....being honest is the ONLY way to resolve anything - ditch the ego and the fear of pain. If there is a temper issue going on - maybe she's afraid that it will rear it's ugly head again and she will be in the same place where she is now - better to deal with it now than later. who initiated the hasty break-up from a temper issue? She may really (seriously) be at the cross-road. If that is the case you need to give her space but let her know your there at the drop of a hat, that is, that your still committed (best to let her know that everyday in a non-annoying way, like flowers on the porch, her windshield, stuff in which you are not forcing your presence but are letting her know your serious). that way she will be secure in your love and committment. ihowever, if she is pushed prematurely (demanding a decision, phone call, date), she may get defensive and choose something she doesn't really want, i.e., to walk. you need to know exactly where you stand before going any further. sounds like your in love and just need to work out stuff just like everyone else in relationships.... I have been at the crossroad before and the best approach with me was knowing he was quietly in the background patiently wainting for my reply - it always worked. the guys that rudely pushed me were the ones i didn't want anyway - true love is patient.....no matter what, you can know you were true to yourself and gave it your best.....
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