affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Hey not sure you remember me and my story. Anyway had EA for a year talking every day seeing each other. Turned physical at the very end. We then agreed to break it off (he's getting married next year) it was hard. I love him dearly as my friend. I'm attracted to him he is addicted to me and had feelings I never asked him outright if he loves me but the point is he is getting married and prefers her. Anyway 2 months we lasted NC Sadly during this time I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have had an op and now having treatment. I sent him a MSG very briefly at the beginning of 2 months and said I may have cancer and I'm scared and please don't respond to me anymore ill always care etc.. He messaged me. He said he knows I said no contact but he had to speak to me and wanted to know I was ok. He said he wanted to talk to me every day but he thought he'd be the last person I needed. We spoke at length for 3 days. He wants to see me. I know this is wrong I don't know what to do I miss him so much and the 2 months were miserable without talking. He says he's scared of having sex (not had sex yet) falling too deep both of us, of her finding out and being hurt. He doesn't want me hurt. I don't want him to marry her .
If-I-Only-Knew Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Hey not sure you remember me and my story. Anyway had EA for a year talking every day seeing each other. Turned physical at the very end. We then agreed to break it off (he's getting married next year) it was hard. I love him dearly as my friend. I'm attracted to him he is addicted to me and had feelings I never asked him outright if he loves me but the point is he is getting married and prefers her. Anyway 2 months we lasted NC Sadly during this time I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have had an op and now having treatment. I sent him a MSG very briefly at the beginning of 2 months and said I may have cancer and I'm scared and please don't respond to me anymore ill always care etc.. He messaged me. He said he knows I said no contact but he had to speak to me and wanted to know I was ok. He said he wanted to talk to me every day but he thought he'd be the last person I needed. We spoke at length for 3 days. He wants to see me. I know this is wrong I don't know what to do I miss him so much and the 2 months were miserable without talking. He says he's scared of having sex (not had sex yet) falling too deep both of us, of her finding out and being hurt. He doesn't want me hurt. I don't want him to marry her . First off, very sorry to hear about your the breast cancer. You should focus on that instead of the guy. He's getting married and you already said that he prefers her. He still has that chance of breaking up with her and being with you IF he loves you but it's not going to happen. You need to stop thinking and talking to this guy. It won't help. It'll just drag things out and make it worse in the long run. Like I said, just focus on yourself and getting better and beating the cancer. 1
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 I imagine he prefers her as he's not with me. I genuinely think that he's running away from this marriage or in denial. Perhaps I'm kidding myself but there's something massively wrong. I'm going to put myself first again I just find the NC so hard!!
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 I don't think he's being cruel and wanting to cause me tourment par SE I think he's thinking about himself yes , lonely without me, missing me, same time I think he's worried about me If it was a pure PA I'd think get lost you're using me but its built on emotions and comfort. I'm focussing on me but the two months may- July NC were awful and now I'm having treatment and he's back i feel comfort again. It's a vicious cycle I need to know if he wholeheartedly wants this marriage and if he loves me and is confused. I need to ask him I'm prepared to hear the worst.
If-I-Only-Knew Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 You said that you're prepared to hear the worst. The worst is actually if he tells you that he loves you but that he is confused and he'll go through with the wedding anyway. That will string you along for even longer..instead of letting you move on with your life. You will then feel like there's a chance the marriage will fall apart quickly and he'll be back in your arms. I do know how you feel since I've tried NC before and it was awful. It didn't last long since I gave in. Starting NC again and it sucks but I know in the long run, the pain will go away. Obviously, you're hoping that he'll tell you that he's going to call off the wedding and that he loves you and wants to be with you but just know that it most likely won't happen. 1
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Yeah I know it's most likely not going to happen. The odds are against me. And probably more so now I suspect he wants a gf wife who's not going to cop it lol ok not funny I'm sure that's not going to happen. I have to be honest. This is not good enough for me anymore. I think he we marry her out of comfort and familiarity. Ten years he's known her. And won't leave it for 1 year or 2 risking it all even if he's madly in love with me. How many men do in that situation? 1 percent? I need to get the truth then let go for good somehow. I cannot believe how deeply involved I've got myself !!
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I don't think he's being cruel and wanting to cause me tourment par SE I think he's thinking about himself yes , lonely without me, missing me, same time I think he's worried about me If it was a pure PA I'd think get lost you're using me but its built on emotions and comfort. I'm focussing on me but the two months may- July NC were awful and now I'm having treatment and he's back i feel comfort again. It's a vicious cycle I need to know if he wholeheartedly wants this marriage and if he loves me and is confused. I need to ask him I'm prepared to hear the worst. He is not married. There is no mortgage, children, dogs, retirement, homes, etc, etc. He cannot claim marriage is dead, blah, blah. Why is he unable to commit? I would point blank ask the question. 3
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Oh I saw this quote somewhere earlier? Am I going mad? I'm going to ask him but I need my questions to be answered with no room for doubt. Or even time for him to think about what he wants. Like a month. He said "if she finds out she would be heartbroken" Not "she will leave me or my marriage would be over and wedding off. " This surely says something about why he stays?
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Oh I saw this quote somewhere earlier? Am I going mad? I'm going to ask him but I need my questions to be answered with no room for doubt. Or even time for him to think about what he wants. Like a month. He said "if she finds out she would be heartbroken" Not "she will leave me or my marriage would be over and wedding off. " This surely says something about why he stays? He loves her too. He loves two women.
Praying4Peace Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 She will be heartbroken. So will you if you go back to NC. He needs to know you'll go NC again. Somewhere in his mind he thinks he can get out of this mess by giving both of you what you need/expect (friendship/marriage). Set your expectations higher so there is NO doubt at all! Then he has to choose who he wants to hurt and even if it's a mistake and he's taking into account how embarrassing it is to call off a wedding, etc then he has to learn the hard way and he chose his/her feelings above yours. Enough said. As Pierre said, he loves you- but there's stuff he loves more.
findingnemo Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I don't think he's being cruel and wanting to cause me tourment par SE I think he's thinking about himself yes , lonely without me, missing me, same time I think he's worried about me If it was a pure PA I'd think get lost you're using me but its built on emotions and comfort. I'm focussing on me but the two months may- July NC were awful and now I'm having treatment and he's back i feel comfort again. It's a vicious cycle I need to know if he wholeheartedly wants this marriage and if he loves me and is confused. I need to ask him I'm prepared to hear the worst. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you don't want him to marry someone else. Tell him that you love him and then give him time to decide. A short time. If he chooses you, then he can come be with you. If not, then you don't need him. At a time like this you need positive influences. Dealing with an A is plain dumb and will cause you unnecessary pain.
waytogo Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 AA, your focus has to be on your health. What you are dealing with is very scary. I want you to think of this positive information. I have three relatives and a friend 100 percent survivors of the same illness. Avoiding any stress possible will be in your corner. I am all for success stories when it comes to this subject. I want to say this as gently as possible. This man is on some kind of fence about you and another. He's (sparing) HER feelings and staying with her. This is not your knight. If he had to offer what you deserve, he'd be with you and only you without question. BTW, my friend met who is now her H while wearing a wig and keeping some info to herself. Once she felt she had to tell him, he was relieved she wasn't breaking it off. They now have three children :-) Believe in you and your wellness. I do
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Thank you for the posts. They've booked literally everything for the wedding. She did have her suspicions about me but these seem to have gone. He doesn't say bad stuff about her ever nor does he bring her up in conversation rarely anyway. It is like he has managed to have these two separate lives. its all started up again with more feeling and warmth than before since the 2 months i was strong In NC he's more emotional and all feeling where as before not so much. It's like he's more desperate this time to keep me there. I think i know deep down he will stay with her and we met at the wrong time. It hurts to not be enough. I'm very positive with things and plan to lead a stress free life from now on!!
waytogo Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Darling, he's not enough. That's why he seeks valuation from more than one, even as he approaches wedding with one. Treat yourself as everything, without disrespecting anyone else. That is when you will see who has true value to offer your life.
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Thank you for the posts. They've booked literally everything for the wedding. She did have her suspicions about me but these seem to have gone. He doesn't say bad stuff about her ever nor does he bring her up in conversation rarely anyway. It is like he has managed to have these two separate lives. its all started up again with more feeling and warmth than before since the 2 months i was strong In NC he's more emotional and all feeling where as before not so much. It's like he's more desperate this time to keep me there. I think i know deep down he will stay with her and we met at the wrong time. It hurts to not be enough. I'm very positive with things and plan to lead a stress free life from now on!! This guy is simply one of those happy cheaters, that is why there is no bad mouthing of his soon to be bride. This guy is not exactly a winner, let her have him Furthermore, 1-2 years into the marriage he will be calling you with real horror stories about his marriage and he believes you will be ready to rescue him. You are idealizing a POS.
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Piece of sh**? Took me a while. Yeah can't take those rosé tinted glasses off! Why do you say that he will be miserable in the marriage down the line Pierre?
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Piece of sh**? Took me a while. Yeah can't take those rosé tinted glasses off! Why do you say that he will be miserable in the marriage down the line Pierre? He can marry the most desirable woman in the planet, but the greatest woman on Earth will not be able to keep him happy 24/7. At the two year mark he will call again and this time his call will be very strong. He is just a cake eater. Two women are better than one! All marriages hit a low point. When he hits that low point he will be looking for an OW.
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Well hes been straying whilst planning the marriage so he has no hope ! I keep writing a draft of how I feel and what I want. None of it looks right. I need to give the ultimatum. It's gonna come as a lightening bolt. I've never asked for more.
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Well hes been straying whilst planning the marriage so he has no hope ! I keep writing a draft of how I feel and what I want. None of it looks right. I need to give the ultimatum. It's gonna come as a lightening bolt. I've never asked for more. Anyone that strays just before getting married is going to stray after marriage. And he will tell you he is very unhappy. He will say that he made a huge error and that it should had been you instead of her. And if you are vulnerable you will buy everything he says. Amazingly, he may actually feel he is unhappy, he will not be lying to you when he says he made a huge error. He will long to be cake eating again. You should write a letter to the bride.
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Well hes been straying whilst planning the marriage so he has no hope ! I keep writing a draft of how I feel and what I want. None of it looks right. I need to give the ultimatum. It's gonna come as a lightening bolt. I've never asked for more. Post the draft
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 I can't tell her. I don't want to do that. I don't know her. I saw her once in a supermarket that seems alien to me telling her. I know your advice is good, I know he's a coward. I still want him to be with me but I'm ready to leave if he doesn't.
Author affairaddict Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 So he came back to me and broke NC because he misses the cake eating and how I make him feel. When he says "I miss you" he doesn't really mean ME.
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I can't tell her. I don't want to do that. I don't know her. I saw her once in a supermarket that seems alien to me telling her. I know your advice is good, I know he's a coward. I still want him to be with me but I'm ready to leave if he doesn't. I understand you love him, but if you ever get him he will stray. Nevertheless, I get what you are saying, you love him. Been there done that with my first love. Went ahead and married her even though there were flags. The flags are there for a reason.
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 So he came back to me and broke NC because he misses the cake eating and how I make him feel. When he says "I miss you" he doesn't really mean ME. He loves you as his OW. The love is real, make no mistake about it. He has real emotions and feelings.
Author affairaddict Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 I ended it again today I said enoughs enough. I didn't ask him to leave her because I know he won't. I tried to get some closure and answers. He says he had feelings and cares about me and cannot talk to anyone else like me. I asked him what about his fiancée surely he should be talking to her about his hopes dreams etc.. He completely avoided answering that question. I asked him if I was an ego boost and whether he's merely addicted to that and the high he gets. He said he misses me and its neither of those things. I wonder if he knows himself. I says the crumbs are not good enough and he kept on saying he feels terrible he contacted me again when I was going through all this, he's sorry. He says in another time we would be together. (Cliche) I ignored his last message. Now he's at home with her I feel sick jealous - I'm the loser.
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