feelinghopeless89 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Hi everyone. I am 24 years old, and going through the most difficult time of my life. I get comfort in reading about similar situations, so am hoping someone will be able to give me some advice on how I can finally heal. For about a year and a half, I dated my manager at the place I work (I know, not smart). He was my best friend, when we weren't together we were either on the phone or texting, and I spent almost every night at his apartment. I have been in a long term relationship before, but this one seemed way different and I saw such a future with him. The guy I dated has a 8 year old daughter. He broke up with the mother of his child a little after the baby was born because he didn't feel like he was ready to settle down. A couple years later, he felt like he made a mistake and tried to get her back. She ended up getting married and having a baby with someone else. Although, soon after she ended up divorcing him. The guy I dated tried again to get his family back, but the girl continually said no and that it would never happen. After a while, he gave up trying. When my ex and I got serious, we had talks about the future with me and his daughter, and occasionally his ex would come up. He always told me they would never get back together. About 9 months ago, she came to my ex and told him that she really needed help with money, and asked him if he would rent a room from her house. He said no right away. A month later she asked again, and he said he thought about it for a little bit, but then realized that would not be a good idea and it would also ruin what we had together. A few weeks after that, the baby momma asked him AGAIN to rent a room because she really needed help with money, and that is when he told me that her asking brought up old emotions and made him really confused. He said he needed some time to figure out what he wanted, and said that he was torn because he was in love with me, but also has wanted his family back for so long and doesn't want to make the same mistake. After a couple weeks of him trying things out with her (which was absolute torture), I told him that I couldn't just be friends with him and that we could only talk if it was work related because this was all too hard for me. He said he understood, but every few days would text me telling me how much he missed me, loved me, and how he had so many mixed emotions. He would say things like he didn't want me to move on and over the time period of 3 months we would both have moments of weakness and I would end up sleeping over at his place. Throughout these months, as hard as they were, I honestly felt like he was realizing him and his ex weren't meant to be together because of how much hope he was still giving me after all this time. He told me how lonely he was and how much he missed me, and said how much him and the girl fought. There was a period of about 2 weeks where he didn't contact me at all outside of work, which made me worried. I saw him at work one day, and as I was pulling into my court on the way home from work I got a text from him. At first it was feeling of excitement and relief. Although, I was so wrong. In the text, he told me that his ex was 3 months pregnant. He said that he hopes I could be happy for him. I felt sick to my stomach. It was like a bad dream and I was just in absolute shock. How could this happen with everything he said to me the last few months?! I was beyond devastated. My ex ended up moving in with the girl a little bit after he told me she was pregnant. She is now a month away from having their baby, and I am still in so much pain. I still work with him, and I know that is just making it harder but can't get myself to let go and leave. I am still in denial about the entire situation and can't accept it at all. I thought I was going to marry this guy. I have never felt such a strong attraction, or have so much chemistry to anyone I have ever met before. I know a lot of people say this after a break-up, but I truly am scared I will never find someone I feel as strongly about. I cry myself to sleep every night and am in a really dark place. Some days are easier, but a lot of the time I get flashbacks and certain things will trigger memories and I just go back to feeling that pain. I appreciate any words of advice that people can give me, I just want to be happy again.
Ashlaria Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Hey there. I am so sorry you are going through this. The shock and denial are awful things aren't they? I had an affair for 2 and a half years with a man who lived with his gf. He always said he never loved her and was only there for the sake of their son. He promised me so much, as soon as she told him to leave. Due to various reasons he stayed and then 4 weeks ago admitted she was pregnant. I am still in denial. I had several dreams about it over the years and he just laughed them off, saying it wouldn't be his as they never slept together. When he finally confessed I went into shock and part of me is still there. I guess my first thought is that you need to get a new job. All the time you are seeing him you are stuck. It is hard enough to break away without facing him every day. You need to stick with NC outside work, it's the only thing that will get you through. You know the rest, NC, keep busy, make time for your friends, get a hobby, but mostly just be nice to yourself. The last thing, you're right, every time a serious relationship breaks down we believe that's it, I'll never find love again, it will never be like this. Do you know what? It's not it, you will find love and it won't be like this - it will be better! There is someone out there for you, he just doesn't know it yet
Author feelinghopeless89 Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Hey there. I am so sorry you are going through this. The shock and denial are awful things aren't they? I had an affair for 2 and a half years with a man who lived with his gf. He always said he never loved her and was only there for the sake of their son. He promised me so much, as soon as she told him to leave. Due to various reasons he stayed and then 4 weeks ago admitted she was pregnant. I am still in denial. I had several dreams about it over the years and he just laughed them off, saying it wouldn't be his as they never slept together. When he finally confessed I went into shock and part of me is still there. I guess my first thought is that you need to get a new job. All the time you are seeing him you are stuck. It is hard enough to break away without facing him every day. You need to stick with NC outside work, it's the only thing that will get you through. You know the rest, NC, keep busy, make time for your friends, get a hobby, but mostly just be nice to yourself. The last thing, you're right, every time a serious relationship breaks down we believe that's it, I'll never find love again, it will never be like this. Do you know what? It's not it, you will find love and it won't be like this - it will be better! There is someone out there for you, he just doesn't know it yet I am also so sorry for your situation . My exes baby is due next month, and it still hasn't fully hit me. This state of shock and denial is definitely overwhelming. I know it is definitely best to leave my job. I have been there for 4 years and have really established myself there so that, plus me being terrified for some CRAZY reason, that I will never see him again when I leave, is making it seem impossible for me to take that step and just go. It is definitely a battle I am trying so hard to fight everyday. Thank you so much for the kind words and advice. I have read it over and over today and it has really helped a lot! Thank you again! 1
Arianna_xoxo Posted August 1, 2013 Posted August 1, 2013 It's so sad what the both of you are going through and wish I could help. Your situation makes me realize how much worse it can be, and how much I need to suck it up. Find a new job sweetie! It's not fair that you have to be the one to leave your job, but I think you need to do it for your sake and mental health. You can't fully move on and recover if you're seeing this guy every day and reminded of your pain. How are you feeling today?
Author feelinghopeless89 Posted August 2, 2013 Author Posted August 2, 2013 Thank you Arianna! That is really sweet of you. All break ups are hard regardless of the situation, so I also am very sorry you're having a hard time . One thing I can tell you for sure .. Time is the enemy. Unfortunately there are still bad days, but it is better than having a bad day everyday! I'm still struggling with finding a new job. I know it's what I need to do. I'm just having such a hard time getting myself to go look for new jobs because I am so scared about leaving. Today was an okay day. I think the majority of my days are "okay" actually. And then some days there are really bad days. His baby is born this month and the thought of that has been giving me so much anxiety recently. I still haven't fully come to terms with everything that's happening. Such a nightmare :/ I hope things are going okay for you! I haven't read about your situation yet but it is definitely comforting to know we are not alone.
Recommended Posts