ericman0 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Hello, I've been in what I would consider a very serious long term relationship with a girl, and the last day I've been completely ignored by her. I have little to no idea what to do and feel like I am going insane. I am 24 and she is 21, for the last year and couple months we've been dating very seriously. For most of our relationship, we have been what I would consider co-dependent on each other. She also has an extensive history of bipolar disorder and depression. While I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and took anti depressants for the year before we started going out. 1.The begining I essentially started spending most of my time with her very early on in our relationship. I was staying the night every night at her house, eventually this lead to me moving in and paying rent in a house in which we shared with her sister and other Roomate. While we both go to the university and she also works, we would spend most of our time outside of such things together. While this became frustrating at times because I wanted to spend more time with friends, which in turned angered her that I wasn't spending my time with her only. Also wanting to have my own space at times felt like a difficult thing to do while she always wanted me to be in the same room with her and so forth. 2. the (first) breakup Back in March, I drunkingly got in a fight with her while at my friends house, making an ultimatium which she subsequently wasn't having (which is understandable looking back) and broke up with me. The next day however, we made up. A few weeks after that, she told me over text message that we couldn't be in a relationship anymore and we were done. This was completely devastating to me as she was truly the person I could see spending the rest of my life with. Her reasons for the breakup was that, I wasn't open enough with my cellphone, she heard rumors about me having a promiscuous past, that we didn't have sex enough or were intimate enough, so on and so forth. Truthfully the levels of intimacy have been declining since the start, I was less inclined to have sex with her as it felt it became almost a chore for me. While I liked having sex with her, she wanted to be intimate every single day often multiple times a day. This is something that caused a lot of stress for me, as the constant expectation of having sex with her became almost a burden. Anyways, A few days later we talked it out and we were back together. At the time she said she wanted to meet with a relationship counselor, which I agreed with being a good thing. When I went to make an appointment she declined going, saying that it wasn't a priority anymore. 3. To the present. Since April I would consider our relationship to be improving, as we had sex more often (although she wanted to be intimate then I was willing), we still had sex a few times a week. Also after all that, I moved my stuff out and back to my parents house and stopped paying rent. However, I still spent the night at her house 99% of the time. While I stopped spending as much as time there, I would always sleep over and then leave to school in the morning. I also started bringing her out more when I hung out with my friends on weekends and such, (when she wasn't working) which I think improved things. Also something to note she has dramatically lost touch with her friendships over the last year, and has gone into periods of being depressed. I have always encouraged her to, contact the people she was friends with in the past but I feel it has been in vain. We also recently went on a trip to a neighboring state to visit graduate schools, and the whole time we talked about moving to this new state together and such. 4. Last couple of weeks. Things got stressful again the last couple of weeks, starting with one day when I got off school I came home and opened up her laptop to use the Internet. I went to facebook and saw that she had been messaging other guys. While it was only friendly banter, I did notice she replied to a guy she dated before me and was having a drawn out conversation with, also she was messaging a guy back and forth that she met at her work. She also sent a Facebook message to him the night before at 3 am saying that she was bummed that she didn't see him at a party we went to the night before. I let jealously get the best of me and looked at her Internet history (which I have never done before) it was filled with the history of her looking at his pictures. I talked about it to her when she got home as I was pretty upset, she told me she was sorry and that it wouldn't happen again. She deleted them from her Facebook as well. While I was still angry and upset but, things went back to normal. This weekend we got in another fight and she didn't respond to my messages and ignored me until finally she called me saying I could come over and spend the night. While it wasn't really a big fight, it was upsetting that she would ignore me so severely. Yesterday. Yesterday, when I came over, we got in another fight. She told me that she had to go to work early to work on something, and I thought that was fine. She also wanted to have sex which I was reluctant to do as I was hungry from not eating all day. When I got on her computer to use the Internet while she was getting ready , I saw on the screen when I opened it that her female friend told her to come to her house early so they could drink together before work. Something which she never mentioned, stupidly I asked her why she wasn't being honest with me and she got angry at me for looking at her private messages. She then gave me all these reasons why I messed up in the past, and told me I should leave. I think I was on edge, because the guy she was talking to on facebook was playing a concert at her work that night and also my best friend of many years was moving away this week. When I left her house I told her to call me when she wanted to talk to me. Later on in the night I texted her a couple of times asking if I was spending the night with her? And that I was sorry for how I was acting. She never texted me back or called me and I still have heard nothing from her since. I had to sleep at my parents house and all of my stuff for school is at her house. I'm sorry for any bad grammar or rambling, I'm very upset/anxious/depressed about the whole situation. I know the recent event is probably nothing but it understates the dynamic between me and her. I feel very upset that she can completely ignore me and not give me a response. I have no idea what to do, and I would gladly take any advice I can get. I know I should probably let her contact me and I should not send her any messages or call her, but it's extremely difficult to do. Can this relationship work? Or is the writing on the wall and I would be better off without her? I love her so much, and it hurts a lot when she does things like this.
assiral Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 You guys should break up. I had the same relationship for over a year and a half, the last six months could be described by your items 2 and 4, with a little bit of 3. It's not gonna get better, and time won't heal. ME and my ex broke up after six months of "trying" to fix the relationship and it was getting worse every time. We broke up before we start hating on each other and now we're able to be friends.
Philosoraptor Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Sounds like there isn't much trust in this relationship. Also there are a lot of controlling actions coming from both sides. She had a lot of issues upon entering this relationship and they seem to have exacerbated your own issues. Might be best to cut the ties here, go NC, and start moving on. There are a lot of mountains to climb here and more to come with this codependent dynamic.
giblesp Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 The things you describe are actually what alot of couples go through in one way or another. Its how you deal with them and get over them that counts. Saying that, the messages and looking at the other guys pictures are something that needs attending. It could mean nothing, but it could be an indication of something amiss between you both. If you get talking again I'd address it. But be COOL, do your best to speak calmly and be caring. Don't be too soft, but definitely don't be harsh. If your relationship is salvageable, if it's what you both want, then speaking to her like this will get good results for you both.
salparadise Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I had a relationship that sounded a lot like this as well, married her and stayed married a long time. I now realize that was a mistake as much as I try not to regret a major chapter in my life. Since getting divorced several years ago I have dated and had a couple of relationships that helped me realize a few things... First is that it is absolutely possible for me to have relationships which are characterized by cooperation, affection, understanding without the competitive, adversarial-appeasing elements that I accepted for so many years. It's a dynamic that sometimes happens between two personalities, but is not inherent to all relationships or all of my relationships, and not a dynamic I will have from here on. Secondly, it's a mistake to give up little pieces of who you are to appease and maintain equilibrium. In a good relationship your partner appreciates your unique qualities, the atmosphere is supportive and stability is pretty easy for the most part. If this is not the case then you should definitely question the inherent compatibility between the two personalities. This is just food for thought... I wish you the best in working through your issues and making the best decisions for you both.
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