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What are the reasons people try to stay married or salvage a marriage?

tas001

By tas001
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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tas001 Member

tas001

Posted
Posted

All the self-help books on salvaging marriage assume you already want to salvage it... but what if you're having a hard time coming up with reasons why you would want to salvage it?

 

I'm curious for those who've hit bottom and worked their way back up to a healthy relationship, what were some of the the reasons for which you decided it was worth making the effort?

 

(I feel like I'm overlooking something obvious and reading your experiences will help me find it...)

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted (edited)

There is a very specific reason, but it would be easier to say that I spent alot of time very clearly visualizing what my life could be like if I ended the marriage. Constructed many alternate future realities in my head. I tried to be very rational and clear headed. On the whole, any future version I saw would have made me even more unhappy. So I choose less unhappy. Also with some religious and moral basis - I also fell in love and made a vow, for better or for worse. Not many people focus on the worse part when they make that vow on their wedding day.

 

As long as I am staying I am going to try to make it or rather myself better ..or at least at peace with things, and continue my "what if's" on my future.

 

 

A great thinker, Scott M. Peck said something along the lines of "Life is difficult. Failure to accept and make peace with this, is behind most forms of mental illness. Once you accept life is difficult, it no longer matters"

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 1
It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

Posted
Posted
All the self-help books on salvaging marriage assume you already want to salvage it... but what if you're having a hard time coming up with reasons why you would want to salvage it?

 

I'm curious for those who've hit bottom and worked their way back up to a healthy relationship, what were some of the the reasons for which you decided it was worth making the effort?

 

(I feel like I'm overlooking something obvious and reading your experiences will help me find it...)

 

So TAS, I have read your other threads so know you are having some kind of crisis. Maybe thinking "is this all there is?"

 

Nobody can answer for you, and nobody else's experience is going to directly relate to yours.

 

There are so many reasons why people try to work out a marriage of 20 years, one of which is what Erich said (I can believe I agree with him on anything:eek:)

 

I have been married 30 years, we met and married young, this is my experience and belief.

 

Sometimes in a relationship that long, one or the other has ambivalent feelings and the only thing that gets through the moment is the commitment, the vows, and the fact that you are family. It is part of the ups and downs of life. Other times you can look at the other person and feel lucky they chose you. See the marriage becomes a family at some point, where the children, parents, dogs, house and yes financials all play a part in the decision making.

 

You seem very discontent, I have not seen if you have tried marriage counseling? I think that you owe your family the true shot at giving your marriage a shot. It requires that you find a way to let each other know what you need and you find out what they need and you both step it up. What makes you think your wife doesn't look around and see other guys and think, I wish? I believe that at some point love is a choice. To love someone even though they would not be the person your adult self would have chosen.

 

If you have done that and can honestly say it didn't work than the healthiest thing is to divorce before you find someone who is more like what you think you want "out of the box"

 

I am not against divorce, I think that people who try and fail to make it work are better off separate. But you have to know the impact (children, family, financials) and that has to out weigh the issues.

 

My husband and I have very little common interests at this point in our lives. What we do have in common is a love and respect for each other and a commitment to our family. It's not always easy and it takes work sometimes, but I am glad we are both equally committed.

 

To be honest...your threads almost sound like you have met someone and are falling for them, maybe someone who shares your creative side? And you are reviewing your life but only playing the highlight reel of the bad scenes?

 

I hope I am wrong.

 

Sometime being happy and content is a choice to just get up and be friggin happy. Put away all the discontent and wishing for the stuff you never had or don't have now and get on with it. But that's just me. It is what it is.

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tas001 Member

tas001

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Posted

Thanks for the wise responses - gives me more things to think about.

 

[And no, there isn't anyone else in my life right now ... often wish there was though ... just feel intensely lonely a lot and can't remember the last time I was happy as a consequence of being married ... ]

It-is-what-it-is. Established Member

It-is-what-it-is.

Posted
Posted
Thanks for the wise responses - gives me more things to think about.

 

[And no, there isn't anyone else in my life right now ... often wish there was though ... just feel intensely lonely a lot and can't remember the last time I was happy as a consequence of being married ... ]

 

So how much of this does your wife know?

ComingInHot Established Member

ComingInHot

Posted
Posted

I've been at Rock Bottom of the M dung heap. My body covered in the slime and waste of my H' s infidelity. I couldn't breathe. I cried until I could no longer cry. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't talk to anyone. I was filled w/the shame of HIS affair. I was angry. Hurt. LONELY. Alone. Lost.

I looked at this man, my supposed best friend, lover, confidante, Protector and didn't know who he was was, why he was even still asking to be part of my life let alone married to me!

 

I broke. Kicked him out. Then I did the most BRAVE thing EVER!! I told someone. They listened. They understood. They helped me understand. I had choices. I made them. Sometimes the samw decisions were made again and again and again.

 

I listed the reasons why I Married him. I wrote out memories of happy times. I told trusted others and gained support and strength I could Not muster on my own.

 

We talked. A-lot! We talked more. We cried. We screamed. We talked. We smiled. We started laughing, holding hands. Making love and talking more.

Our differences, we decided, were worth the commonalities.

We are stronger together than apart.

We are struggling. We are working. We fail eachother. We compliment each other. We are growing together because we decided to.

We are happy... Again.*

  • Like 1
Snowflower Established Member

Snowflower

Posted
Posted

My H has been in your shoes and has been very open about it with me which is what I think has gotten us through so far.

 

My H is more like how you describe your wife: spontaneous, not a big planner, life of the party, etc. I'm a little more measured, calm, cautious. As you know, those two don't always mix well. :eek:

 

Have you spoken to your wife in plain, unvarnished terms about your dissatisfaction with your marriage? She might not be happy to hear it, but she needs to and for your sake, you need to be open and honest with her.

 

I'm very glad to read that you haven't found someone else who sparks your interest although I think that will be coming if you're not careful. I can only say to not go down that path for either your wife's sake or for your best interest.

 

I will say that it appears you're in the cliched mid-life crisis. Hey, it happens to the best of us and no long term marriage has constant intimacy and connection. It's what you do with those down times that matter.

 

My H has had several crises and he is slowly learning that it is him, not us, that causes his dissatisfaction. I think this is the case with you as well. It is not your wife's fault that she is too spontaneous/impulsive, doesn't understand the creative side of you, etc. From your description, she has always been this way. It isn't some new side of her personality that has just come out.

 

The change is in YOU. And since this is internal, you owe it to yourself and your wife to figure it out in the least destructive way possible.

KathyM Established Member

KathyM

Posted
Posted

Well, I've been married a long time, and we've had our ups and downs. I've never hit rock bottom, but there was one time I considered potential divorce when things were not good. The reasons I stayed married and went on to restore our marriage to good health was:

 

#1. I felt a strong conviction to honor my vows because I made that vow to love, honor and remain faithful to my husband to not only him, but also to God, and I didn't want to sacrifice my respect for those vows.

 

#2. I realized that I was also at fault for letting my marriage to go downhill, and that I needed to change some things to restore it to health.

 

#3. I realized that my husband has many good qualities that I was not appreciating enough, and that I didn't want to lose him.

 

#4. It was important to me to be a good role model for my kids, and not be a quitter when the marriage hits a rough patch.

 

#5. I realized that a marriage is as good as you make it. It is under your control, to cherish and nurture, and my behavior can have a positive effect on his behavior. Unless the man is a narcissist or has some other personality disorder or psychological issue that is so engrained that it is unlikely to be changed, most behaviors can be worked with, and positive change can happen if people are motivated enough. And I was motivated to turn things around for the reasons I stated above.

  • Like 6
Lauriebell82 Established Member

Lauriebell82

Posted
Posted

Husband and I have had some tough times but always managed to pull through.

 

We both have so some issues that cause problems and we have teouble dealing with each other. We try to talk things out and be proactive with working on solutions. We love each other and although we get frustrated we dont give up. Our son means the world to us and we want to stay a family. We have sooooo many good times that I would never want to give those up.

 

I realized that my reactions help control his reactions. We problem solve much better if we arent too much in our heads and if we are calm.

rockyboat Member

rockyboat

Posted
Posted
All the self-help books on salvaging marriage assume you already want to salvage it... but what if you're having a hard time coming up with reasons why you would want to salvage it?

 

I'm curious for those who've hit bottom and worked their way back up to a healthy relationship, what were some of the the reasons for which you decided it was worth making the effort?

 

(I feel like I'm overlooking something obvious and reading your experiences will help me find it...)

 

Silly and shameful reason, but being afraid of being single and divorced is one.

 

I think after a while one realizes this is not a good enough reason, but there is a time when it seems good enough.

2sure Established Member

2sure

Posted
Posted
There is a very specific reason, but it would be easier to say that I spent alot of time very clearly visualizing what my life could be like if I ended the marriage. Constructed many alternate future realities in my head. I tried to be very rational and clear headed. On the whole, any future version I saw would have made me even more unhappy. So I choose less unhappy. Also with some religious and moral basis - I also fell in love and made a vow, for better or for worse. Not many people focus on the worse part when they make that vow on their wedding day.

 

As long as I am staying I am going to try to make it or rather myself better ..or at least at peace with things, and continue my "what if's" on my future.

 

 

A great thinker, Scott M. Peck said something along the lines of "Life is difficult. Failure to accept and make peace with this, is behind most forms of mental illness. Once you accept life is difficult, it no longer matters"

 

ALL THIS. And I just have to encourage everyone to read it again.

My life experience, and good or bad, I have a lot...has taught me the best way to make any decision, especially life changing decisions...is to have a very clear visual of what the realistic results will be. All of the results. Now, I'm talking about not taking risk but being able to have a clear visual. Without vague ideas.

 

That's how goals are reached.

Nyla Established Member

Nyla

Posted
Posted

As someone who lives with mental illness, I don't think it is true that most forms of mental illness come from "failure to accept that life is difficult." :laugh: I think most forms of mental illness come from abuse and often heredity.

 

I think that most people stay in married because of their children. I also believe that people are too afraid to start over or lower their standard of living.

Eve Established Member

Eve

Posted
Posted
All the self-help books on salvaging marriage assume you already want to salvage it... but what if you're having a hard time coming up with reasons why you would want to salvage it?

 

I'm curious for those who've hit bottom and worked their way back up to a healthy relationship, what were some of the the reasons for which you decided it was worth making the effort?

 

(I feel like I'm overlooking something obvious and reading your experiences will help me find it...)

 

Even though I have considered divorce twice, I would say that what salvaged our marriage is how we naturally seek to rebond. We are both motivated to reconnect. If that was not there, I would have carried through with the divorce.

 

H has been married before and was cheated on. He still would have worked on the marriage but once he saw there could not be a joint rebonding process, he divorced her immediately.

 

Take care,

Eve x

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