Last minute second date reschedule - ugh I am annoyed

[Eternal Sunshine]

I started chatting with a guy on OKC few weeks back.

 

We hit it off and he seemed to be incredibly witty and a brilliant writer. I was really impressed with how his mind works. He is also 33, very ambitious, owns a computer game and animation studio and seems to be into the same things I am.

 

He suggested that we meet in my favorite bar in town, which is not well known and we live in a 3 million people town so.. Anyhow, things went even better in person. He kissed me and I felt

 

Now for the bad part. He told me that he hasn't dated in the last few years because he was "married to work". He says that he easily works 80 hours weeks, but feels ready to have someone in his life again. I was kind of cool with that because I prefer someone that is independent. He also says that I am the first girl he met from OKC/OLD as he has just joined when we started speaking.

 

Anyway, he called me the next day to ask for second date dinner which was supposed to be tonight. At 1pm, he calls. He went on and on about how his US client had a problem with one of his games and he was up all night Skyping with the client to resolve the issue...and how he had to be at work today too...so he is exhausted and he would rather reschedule and sleep early tonight. See, I never know if people are telling the truth or making crap up like this. How do I know? So I was short with him and got off the phone quickly.

 

He called me again soon after to remind me that we haven't rescheduled the date. So he offers me tomorrow or Saturday. I pick tomorrow (because I just want to see him ).

 

So that sorta sounds all OK to me BUT, I now worry that dating him will leave me to a ton of last minute reschedules/cancellations and that is something I don't think I can deal with. I really like making plans in advance and sticking to them. Any flakiness, for whatever reason is a big turn off.

 

Is dating him a bad idea?

[StayBeautiful]

That didn't jump out at me, people get busy and he did chase up.

 

What did leap out was that you are the first person he met. I hate meeting guys when they're new to it all, after a few weeks they start wondering who else they could have met if they hadn't jumped in so quickly.

 

IME

[pcplod]

I started chatting with a guy on OKC few weeks back.

 

We hit it off and he seemed to be incredibly witty and a brilliant writer. I was really impressed with how his mind works. He is also 33, very ambitious, owns a computer game and animation studio and seems to be into the same things I am.

 

He suggested that we meet in my favorite bar in town, which is not well known and we live in a 3 million people town so.. Anyhow, things went even better in person. He kissed me and I felt

 

Now for the bad part. He told me that he hasn't dated in the last few years because he was "married to work". He says that he easily works 80 hours weeks, but feels ready to have someone in his life again. I was kind of cool with that because I prefer someone that is independent. He also says that I am the first girl he met from OKC/OLD as he has just joined when we started speaking.

 

Anyway, he called me the next day to ask for second date dinner which was supposed to be tonight. At 1pm, he calls. He went on and on about how his US client had a problem with one of his games and he was up all night Skyping with the client to resolve the issue...and how he had to be at work today too...so he is exhausted and he would rather reschedule and sleep early tonight. See, I never know if people are telling the truth or making crap up like this. How do I know? So I was short with him and got off the phone quickly.

 

He called me again soon after to remind me that we haven't rescheduled the date. So he offers me tomorrow or Saturday. I pick tomorrow (because I just want to see him ).

 

So that sorta sounds all OK to me BUT, I now worry that dating him will leave me to a ton of last minute reschedules/cancellations and that is something I don't think I can deal with. I really like making plans in advance and sticking to them. Any flakiness, for whatever reason is a big turn off.

 

Is dating him a bad idea?

 

Given his choice of career/living he has very little choice. You can't cope with that scenario, no matter what the reason. You need a level of commitment, focus, that he simply can't give or won't give. Which it is seems largely immaterial. Part-time relationships do work for some people when it is actually what you seek. It is probably what he is seeking even if he is not particularly conscious of it. It seems like a straight-forward incompatibility issue around priorities.

 

The one thing I would suggest to you is whether you are imposing something of a conundrum on yourself through your choices and preferences. You like someone who is independent but also like someone who makes a fair amount of commitment. Is that in any way contradictory? Or is it difficult to actually achieve in practice because as this new guy has found out, being self-employed very much means being at the beck-and-call of the piper.

 

I used to work in a well-paid job in the public sector. People assert that public sector workers are lazy underachievers who stick pedantically to rules and to a 9 to 5, Monday to Friday, routine. Nothing could be further from the truth for most of those sort of people beyond the most basic grades. The more you are paid in a white collar role in either the public or private sector, the more the employer assumes that they own you lock, stock and barrel, and your soul to boot. You are well salaried but your hours of work are strictly notional. You work more and more additional unpaid hours in order to try to keep up with the workload and pressures and to try to keep a job, that apart from paying the bills, you are no longer that fond of. It can get pretty desperate at times. That is what leads to you eating takeaway pizza at midnight in some obscure base somewhere where everyone else has gone home. It is what leads you to routinely working from 7.00 am or 8.00 am to 6.00 pm, 7.00 pm, 8.00 pm instead of the 9.00 to 5.00 routine that you are contracted for and that everyone naively or maliciously assumes that you work. And then there is the constant taking work home, evenings and weekends. All this is highly incompatible with having a decent personal life. And you have to be honest with yourself as well as someone who is a target of your affections , about it all.

 

There are no simple answers and there will have to be compromise or else you live alone. If only our lives were truly our own. That particular dream has always been nothing more than that. We are all slaves to the system. Any illusion of personal freedom is self-delusion.

[therhythm]

I started chatting with a guy on OKC few weeks back.

 

We hit it off and he seemed to be incredibly witty and a brilliant writer. I was really impressed with how his mind works. He is also 33, very ambitious, owns a computer game and animation studio and seems to be into the same things I am.

 

He suggested that we meet in my favorite bar in town, which is not well known and we live in a 3 million people town so.. Anyhow, things went even better in person. He kissed me and I felt

 

Now for the bad part. He told me that he hasn't dated in the last few years because he was "married to work". He says that he easily works 80 hours weeks, but feels ready to have someone in his life again. I was kind of cool with that because I prefer someone that is independent. He also says that I am the first girl he met from OKC/OLD as he has just joined when we started speaking.

 

Anyway, he called me the next day to ask for second date dinner which was supposed to be tonight. At 1pm, he calls. He went on and on about how his US client had a problem with one of his games and he was up all night Skyping with the client to resolve the issue...and how he had to be at work today too...so he is exhausted and he would rather reschedule and sleep early tonight. See, I never know if people are telling the truth or making crap up like this. How do I know? So I was short with him and got off the phone quickly.

 

He called me again soon after to remind me that we haven't rescheduled the date. So he offers me tomorrow or Saturday. I pick tomorrow (because I just want to see him ).

 

So that sorta sounds all OK to me BUT, I now worry that dating him will leave me to a ton of last minute reschedules/cancellations and that is something I don't think I can deal with. I really like making plans in advance and sticking to them. Any flakiness, for whatever reason is a big turn off.

 

Is dating him a bad idea?

 

It is dating him a bad idea? .... it depends ... if you can't cope with a guy with a busy schedule who is more likely to reschedule dates then you shouldn't but you said you like the guy, he has shown interest and he reschedule the date for a next date in a short period.... I would not over think this too much honestly...

[Emilia]

So that sorta sounds all OK to me BUT, I now worry that dating him will leave me to a ton of last minute reschedules/cancellations and that is something I don't think I can deal with. I really like making plans in advance and sticking to them. Any flakiness, for whatever reason is a big turn off.

 

Is dating him a bad idea?

Are you ok dating someone who isn't flaky as such but prefers to arrange things more last minute because of the unpredictability of his job? If you knew for definite that the other person was into you but simply had to accommodate too many issues to plan his calendar well in advance: would that bother you?

[ja123]

Although it's good to maintain some skepticism when getting to know someone, I'd take his explanation at face value and not consider it a sign of lack of interest, commitment, or flakiness. I think he was upfront and handled the re-schedule with respect and maturity. He offered to re-schedule, right? So he is interested in you! I mean, if he showed up tired for the date and, therefore, couldn't concentrate fully on you and having a good time due to fatigue, I think you'd have written a post about that, as it would probably feel like some sort of rejection even though it would've just been fatigue as the reason and not a lack of interest.

 

Right now, it sounds like there are some potential incompatibility issues. A guy who is ambitious and wants to build his business is going to have to make some sacrifices. He'll probably need a partner who has similar goals and wants to work together with him as a long-term team unit to achieving those goals.

 

At the end of the day, you need to find someone who's a fit for you.

 

Is it him? It's early days, but you might want to consider being more flexible and take things such as re-scheduling a little less personally, so you can have some more time to get to know him. If re-scheduling is a deal-breaker for you, then you might just want to move on, as he'll probably need to re-schedule in future due to the nature of his business.

 

Good luck!

[NJtoDC]

If you can handle the occasional last minute reschedule for legit work reasons I would let it ride for now and see how things go. You liked him. He seems to like you too. Time will give you a fuller idea of how this relationship would go with such a busy guy.

[iris219]

I started chatting with a guy on OKC few weeks back.

 

We hit it off and he seemed to be incredibly witty and a brilliant writer. I was really impressed with how his mind works. He is also 33, very ambitious, owns a computer game and animation studio and seems to be into the same things I am.

 

He suggested that we meet in my favorite bar in town, which is not well known and we live in a 3 million people town so.. Anyhow, things went even better in person. He kissed me and I felt

 

Yay! This all sounds really, really good. Glad you had fun.

 

Now for the bad part. He told me that he hasn't dated in the last few years because he was "married to work". He says that he easily works 80 hours weeks, but feels ready to have someone in his life again. I was kind of cool with that because I prefer someone that is independent. He also says that I am the first girl he met from OKC/OLD as he has just joined when we started speaking.

 

I wouldn't be too worried about him rescheduling, but I would be concerned about the fact that he admitted he's a workaholic (seems a convenient excuse for flakiness).

 

The fact that he just started OLD would concern me as well. He might be interested in seeing what's out there rather than settling down with anyone.

[Drseussgrrl]

Hon,

 

You're really going to have to stop letting every little thing be a deal-breaker for you if you want to end up in a relationship.

 

I am just like you - I love it when men plan dates and there's a specific time/activity on the books and I have something to look forward to.

 

The guy I'm currently dating works for himself in real estate and has a lot of last-minute showings/meetings, etc and I've had to kind of roll with the punches at times because he's on the road so much. The cool thing is watching him work hard and build this thing from the ground up. So it's a trade-off. Rather than whine and moan about the fact that we do last-minute things sometimes, he likes that I'm supportive. Granted - I still do my own thing and say no if I'm busy.

 

I like that he called you right back and reminded you that you hadn't rescheduled. That says a lot - so you know he wasn't just blowing you off.

 

RELAX!

[happydate]

I started chatting with a guy on OKC few weeks back.

 

We hit it off and he seemed to be incredibly witty and a brilliant writer. I was really impressed with how his mind works. He is also 33, very ambitious, owns a computer game and animation studio and seems to be into the same things I am.

 

He suggested that we meet in my favorite bar in town, which is not well known and we live in a 3 million people town so.. Anyhow, things went even better in person. He kissed me and I felt

 

Now for the bad part. He told me that he hasn't dated in the last few years because he was "married to work". He says that he easily works 80 hours weeks, but feels ready to have someone in his life again. I was kind of cool with that because I prefer someone that is independent. He also says that I am the first girl he met from OKC/OLD as he has just joined when we started speaking.

 

Anyway, he called me the next day to ask for second date dinner which was supposed to be tonight. At 1pm, he calls. He went on and on about how his US client had a problem with one of his games and he was up all night Skyping with the client to resolve the issue...and how he had to be at work today too...so he is exhausted and he would rather reschedule and sleep early tonight. See, I never know if people are telling the truth or making crap up like this. How do I know? So I was short with him and got off the phone quickly.

 

He called me again soon after to remind me that we haven't rescheduled the date. So he offers me tomorrow or Saturday. I pick tomorrow (because I just want to see him ).

 

So that sorta sounds all OK to me BUT, I now worry that dating him will leave me to a ton of last minute reschedules/cancellations and that is something I don't think I can deal with. I really like making plans in advance and sticking to them. Any flakiness, for whatever reason is a big turn off.

 

Is dating him a bad idea?

 

Most men and women will always tell you what you want to hear! Words mean nothing unless they are backed up by actions.

 

In dating; "Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words". So his action showed that he was interested enough in you, but not more than you because you agreed to see him quickly. This has implications. If he's fishing your interest level, that tells him that even if he flakes, you're still at his beck and call.

 

I would say, see him now but do keep in mind that he did flake on you.

 

I dated girls that flake on me on the first few dates and later on turned out to be just that, flakes!

 

Personally, I don't buy this I'm busy and my work is top priority excuse, because if he sees you and is really into you, he won't care to loose a client or tell the client that, heh look I've got a date and I can't do the project now but I'll get back to you later. This shows that he's got a spine and that he's willing to sacrifice some of his work just to see you. Later on, the implication is that he will be willing to spend some intimate time with you. If he starts out with work is his priority, then later on once he gets to know you, then all you are to him would mean sex and companionship. I think you are looking for more.

 

When a man shows a luke warm response, he won't put a lot of emphasis on the woman or women he dates cause he thinks, if I can get laid fine if not then I'll just move on.

Edited July 18, 2013 by happydate

[Treasa]

Ok, first of all, ignore anything he SAID. He could be lying about it or telling the truth. Observe his actions only.

 

As far as I'm concerned, everyone gets one chance to flake out, but so early in, if they do it a second time, I'm done. I understand that things come up suddenly. I would tell him that it's ok to be flexible, but if he makes plans, I expect him to keep them and not waste my time.

[BradJacobs]

Personally, I don't buy this I'm busy and my work is top priority excuse, because if he sees you and is really into you, he won't care to loose a client or tell the client that, heh look I've got a date and I can't do the project now but I'll get back to you later. This shows that he's got a spine and that he's willing to sacrifice some of his work just to see you.

After one date?!

 

C'mon be realistic. This guy's business is how he earns his living. If she can't handle it then she can't handle it.

 

It has nothing to do with how into her he is or not. Things pop up as a business owner that don't for 9-5 worker drones.

 

I certainly would not be willing to risk a client for a second date no matter how into her I was. If she were right for me, she'd understand that.

[Art_Critic]

if he sees you and is really into you, he won't care to loose a client or tell the client that, heh look I've got a date and I can't do the project now but I'll get back to you later.

 

 

The average job/client can mean 10-50k and more if the project goes beyond 3-6 months.

 

Any guy that would tell a client to take a hike because he has a date is an idiot and won't have his doors open for long.

 

ES.. As someone who works in a parallel industry and we offer the some of the same services I can tell you that his job will come first..

If you can handle that then there are no issues.. date away...

 

If you have an issue with it then maybe he isn't right to date.

For the first 10-15 years of my career dating always came secondary to my work till I got older.. mid 30's or so and got married...

 

I think you need to date the guy... he intrigues you and you like his personality, the work thing can be worked around as time passes.. and he did say 80 hours a week.. that isn't 120

[Star Gazer]

Ok, first of all, ignore anything he SAID. He could be lying about it or telling the truth. Observe his actions only.

 

As far as I'm concerned, everyone gets one chance to flake out, but so early in, if they do it a second time, I'm done. I understand that things come up suddenly. I would tell him that it's ok to be flexible, but if he makes plans, I expect him to keep them and not waste my time.

 

This. If it happens again in the early stages of dating, I'd move on.

[carhill]

Is dating him a bad idea?

 

He cancelled last minute on the second date; you got 'short' with him; he still called back later to follow up on the reschedule; you chose the day. IMO, see how it goes. People with full and ambitious lives do occasionally have issues crop up. How they handle them, and their relationships, is telling. One incident does not a pattern make. If you otherwise enjoy his company, enjoy it without dependency on the long-term outcome. Good luck.

[happydate]

After one date?!

 

C'mon be realistic. This guy's business is how he earns his living. If she can't handle it then she can't handle it.

 

It has nothing to do with how into her he is or not. Things pop up as a business owner that don't for 9-5 worker drones.

 

I certainly would not be willing to risk a client for a second date no matter how into her I was. If she were right for me, she'd understand that.

 

He was honest enough to tell her he's a busy man. He literally said I'm married to my work. Actions of his flakiness seem to indicate that he is married to his work. The OP's concern is that if he's going to do this often, because he really meant what he said. And that is her main concern. I don't think it is grounds for no more dates. I say go for it, but expect that this may become something she has to live with.

 

All I am saying that I've put clients on hold because I see a potential girl that could be the one. How often you find the one girl you think has a huge chance to be your life mate? Stuff like that don't come every minute or days you know. You're lucky if they come every 1 or 2 yrs or longer. You can always get a client or a new job within a month, but a dream girl is not something you can just snap a finger. Being in love is about making some sacrifices and taking a leap of faith.

Edited July 18, 2013 by happydate

[Weezy1973]

I hope this isn't a defense mechanism popping up - i.e. I'm intrigued by this guy - he might be relationship material - I have to find something wrong with him quickly so I can reject him and not get hurt.

 

Here's what I like about this guy - he owned his flaw. He put it out there - willing to be vulnerable and obviously likes you (kiss and called you back to reschedule). Open and honest are really key to a long term relationship and he put it out there right away. If you can handle a workaholic, that's up to you.

 

I also hope that you have continued the dialogue (by PM) with StarGazer and others that was started in her awesome thread about being attracted to emotionally unavailable men and abandonment issues. If this question is a defense mechanism rather than an honest concern, then you have to do the opposite of what your 'gut' is telling you. Which is hard.

[FitChick]

You can always get a client or a new job within a month, but a dream girl is not something you can just snap a finger. Being in love is about making some sacrifices and taking a leap of faith.

 

Where do you live? A lot of people want to move there because they won't have to worry about finding a job, like they do in most places in the civilized world today.

[KathyM]

 

Now for the bad part. He told me that he hasn't dated in the last few years because he was "married to work". He says that he easily works 80 hours weeks, but feels ready to have someone in his life again. I was kind of cool with that because I prefer someone that is independent. He also says that I am the first girl he met from OKC/OLD as he has just joined when we started speaking.

 

Anyway, he called me the next day to ask for second date dinner which was supposed to be tonight. At 1pm, he calls. He went on and on about how his US client had a problem with one of his games and he was up all night Skyping with the client to resolve the issue...and how he had to be at work today too...so he is exhausted and he would rather reschedule and sleep early tonight. See, I never know if people are telling the truth or making crap up like this. How do I know? So I was short with him and got off the phone quickly.

 

He called me again soon after to remind me that we haven't rescheduled the date. So he offers me tomorrow or Saturday. I pick tomorrow (because I just want to see him ).

 

So that sorta sounds all OK to me BUT, I now worry that dating him will leave me to a ton of last minute reschedules/cancellations and that is something I don't think I can deal with. I really like making plans in advance and sticking to them. Any flakiness, for whatever reason is a big turn off.

 

Is dating him a bad idea?

I'll give you a crystal ball showing what your life will be like with a man who is married to his job and spends 80 hours a week working (basically his entire waking hours).

 

My sister was married to a man like this. He had his own company, which was very successful, and spent all of his waking hours on the company business. He left for work early every day, including weekends, so she never saw him in the mornings. He was never home for dinner because he was always working late. She ate dinner alone every night. He was never home on weekends, and never available. Always working. Weekends were his heaviest working hours. They did manage to have two kids along the way. He almost missed their birth because of his job. He was not there when she came home from the hospital with her sons. He has to rush off to work, and left her alone to take care of her newborns. He was never there for them. He rarely had time to go to the kids' events. He was always working. She had to be both mother and father to them. He was an absentee husband and an absentee father. She was starved for companionship, and after their divorce, she made sure that her next boyfriend was going to have the time to be with her, and was not married to his job.

 

This guy gave you fair warning. His work comes first, ahead of everything else. He is married to his job. Almost all of his waking hours are devoted to his job. You will play a distant second when he can scrape up the time to give you a few crumbs of his attention.

 

I know this sounds dismal, but that is the reality of trying to have a relationship with a man who is married to his job, and spends virtually all of his waking hours working.

[myriad]

ES... you aren't in Perth, W.A. are you? Sounds exactly like a guy I know, same age, same profession, same US skype calls... except he's married with children, but pretending he's not, he's very good at it though. I hope I'm wrong.

[KungFuJoe]

if he sees you and is really into you, he won't care to loose a client or tell the client that, heh look I've got a date and I can't do the project now but I'll get back to you later. This shows that he's got a spine and that he's willing to sacrifice some of his work just to see you.

 

Da fuq? ANY guy that does this after ONE date, needs to get slapped in the face. With a brick.

[therhythm]

 

Personally, I don't buy this I'm busy and my work is top priority excuse, because if he sees you and is really into you, he won't care to loose a client or tell the client that, heh look I've got a date and I can't do the project now but I'll get back to you later.

 

 

:eek::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Da fuq? ANY guy that does this after ONE date, needs to get slapped in the face. With a brick.

 

Honestly I can always trust LS to make my day in the early morning...

I am guessing happydate doesn't have many second dates or he doesn't have a job

[sillyanswer]

Any flakiness, for whatever reason is a big turn off.

 

Is dating him a bad idea?

 

I hate it when people make plans that they then can't keep, so I find it a turn off too. But if that's the first time he's done this then I'd give him another chance.

 

At the moment his work is more important than you (and it should be since you've only just started seeing him) but since he has international clients it sounds like this could be something that comes up again in the future. Maybe ask him how often he ends up working unexpected nights due to client problems, and you might get an idea of how much this might affect dating him.

 

At the end of the day he did something that turned you off. It doesn't matter whether (we think) that was reasonable or not... you were still turned off. Strike one!

[RedRobin]

I find cancellations annoying as well... especially in the early stages when I'm trying to establish basic trust.

 

Regarding his schedule... Most responsible adults have a variety of commitments... be it work, family, kids, friends, volunteering, hobbies, etc.

 

My life is pretty full too. It can take a little while before I integrate someone into my life and start pushing other things off my plate and rearranging.

 

It is easy to overcommit just a little when a new, fabulous opportunity arrives rather unexpectedly. YOU being the fabulous opportunity that arrived unexpectedly

 

We'll see how he manages things moving forward though. I'm not keen on those who break plans. Very hard to develop intimacy and trust that way.

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

I started chatting with a guy on OKC few weeks back.

 

We hit it off and he seemed to be incredibly witty and a brilliant writer. I was really impressed with how his mind works. He is also 33, very ambitious, owns a computer game and animation studio and seems to be into the same things I am.

 

He suggested that we meet in my favorite bar in town, which is not well known and we live in a 3 million people town so.. Anyhow, things went even better in person. He kissed me and I felt

 

Now for the bad part. He told me that he hasn't dated in the last few years because he was "married to work". He says that he easily works 80 hours weeks, but feels ready to have someone in his life again. I was kind of cool with that because I prefer someone that is independent. He also says that I am the first girl he met from OKC/OLD as he has just joined when we started speaking.

 

Anyway, he called me the next day to ask for second date dinner which was supposed to be tonight. At 1pm, he calls. He went on and on about how his US client had a problem with one of his games and he was up all night Skyping with the client to resolve the issue...and how he had to be at work today too...so he is exhausted and he would rather reschedule and sleep early tonight. See, I never know if people are telling the truth or making crap up like this. How do I know? So I was short with him and got off the phone quickly.

 

He called me again soon after to remind me that we haven't rescheduled the date. So he offers me tomorrow or Saturday. I pick tomorrow (because I just want to see him ).

 

So that sorta sounds all OK to me BUT, I now worry that dating him will leave me to a ton of last minute reschedules/cancellations and that is something I don't think I can deal with. I really like making plans in advance and sticking to them. Any flakiness, for whatever reason is a big turn off.

 

Is dating him a bad idea?

 

Dating him a bad idea? You really wouldn't know unless you dated him for a bit and get a scope. Maybe he would make more time for you if you guys got more serious.

 

Or maybe he really just is married to his work and wont have time for you. It's a tough call and its either don't get involved, get to know him better before you decide, or give it a go. Which one are you ok with? Are you ready for the consequences good or bad?