The Last Time

[youngnlove89]

My ex showed up at my door with my birthday present just now.

 

He came in. I smiled and said Hi. He said "hey, I gotta make this quick, I gotta be somewhere." I said confidently, "Okay that's fine."

 

I gave him his shirt he left behind and he gave me my present. I put the present on the table and looked at him and said "thank you" with a smile gesturing him that it's okay to leave now. He looked at me and asked, "Open it!" I said, "No, I will when you leave" He said, "why?" I said "because I just want to" He said, "I drove all the way out here for you and you won't open it?" I said, "yes". He jokingly said, "I'm going to take it back if you don't open it," with a cocky smirk on his face. We both laughed shyly. (the real reason I couldn't open it was because I knew I would cry)

 

I said, "I'll text you later and tell you how much I love it. Thank you so much for the present, it means a lot."

 

We hugged. Then he left.

 

I go to my room and open the gift. It was a pink camera I wanted awhile back. I loved it, I told him how I kept looking for a pink camera to buy, I'm surprised he remembered. Inside the box was a fake spider. We always joked with each other and tried to scare one another. This time I didn't find it funny. I just cried. How could he try to be humorous when I was hurting? How come I couldn't find it funny?

 

In the box was the order form from Amazon. He purchased it on July 12. The same day we had our fight and I accused him of cheating on me.

Edited July 18, 2013 by youngnlove89

[AllTooWell]

I teared up reading this

 

Sometimes as much as I deny it to myself, I wish my ex would come around. I am tempted to text him at the end of August to say goodbye before school, just because I want to see him. I don't even want him back anymore, I just miss him and I love him and sometimes I convince myself that the hurt I would feel when I see him would be worth seeing him.

 

But I know it's not worth it and I know it would break my heart.

 

 

I'm sorry. All I can say.:( ((hugs))

[daftpunk]

We are as impressionable as we are stupid, sometimes.

[veggirl]

So...you are gonna go back to him now? You should have refused the gift and told him to leave. Accepting it has now just made you all nostalgic and wistful.

[JDPT]

You had a moment by allowing him to stop by even if it was your birthday. Don't over analyze the situation as you will continue to hurt yourself, quiet honestly I would put that camera away and move on with your life. No need to revert to that place that's filled with pain, it's time to move on and really start your healing process.

[youngnlove89]

Oh no! It's over for sure. I never texted him like I said I would. I'm not going back to him at all.

 

I have my first appointment on Tuesday with my psychologist to start helping me get over this guy. It's been too long.

 

Last night was horrible though. I'll explain later.

 

And I am glad I got my present! I deserved it!

Edited July 18, 2013 by youngnlove89

[Talulah]

that is sooo sweet! how cute! awww he must have (probably still loves you).

[youngnlove89]

Alright.

 

So after last night, after he left, it was very difficult for me. I spoke to my mom awhile on the phone and I spoke to a few different friends and all told them what happened. All of them were confused. Why did this guy break up with you and then come over to give you your gift? Why did this guy break up with you and then tell you he still wants to go on your birthday trip? This isn't right.

 

I eventually fell asleep and then I woke up at 1am. I thought I was having a heart attack. My pulse was fast, but my breathing was slow and deep. I just felt "doomed". I kept looking at my phone and questioning whether I should call 911 or not. I got very dizzy, but I was so tired I could hardly move. I walked to the bathroom and started throwing up. It was all just bile and dry heaving. Awful. For an hour, I threw up. Every time I thought of my ex, I got this overbearing feeling that just made me feel like I was going to die from a broken heart.

 

I kept thinking about my rape and how I am alone now. I have no one to hold me intimately and tell me he is there to protect me. It was a very sad feeling. How am I going to tell the next guy what happened to me? My ex was there for me when it happened. He took me to the police station, he supported me and loved me. He was now attached to this awful memory I will always carry. I felt lost and abandoned. The same way I felt when my rapist left after the deed was done.

 

I then called my mom at 2am just panicked asking her what I should do. She said I was probably just very upset and anxious. We talked until 3am and she helped calm me down. I seriously don't know what I would do without my mom. She is a beautiful loving person and she is my rock. My concrete. My support.

 

We talked about how the night ended with my ex and I. She reminded me that he comes from a family that was a little messed up. His mom left his dad when he was young. He watched his mom bring in boyfriend after boyfriend while his dad suffered. His dad has EXTREME OCD to the point where his life is altered from it. He is the type to have to turn the door 7 times before he can leave or flip the money over each side 10 times before he can set it down on the table. I witnessed it. He doesn't have a mom like mine. He doesn't have a normal dad. He hates his mother. He probably has talked to her five times in the last 10 years.

 

My mom said something that really stuck with me. She said that my ex will have the same respect for women as he does his mother. So in turn he psychological controls woman because he hates his mom. I could go further into this, but I don't have the knowledge to understand it or even explain it. But I believe it. I think there is a strong connection with his childhood that effects how he treats me or other women.

 

I finally went back to sleep for a couple hours and here I am. I am weak today, physically. After the last week I have lost 5 pounds. My body is screaming for help. I realized this is something I cannot do by myself. I am extremely excited for my first appointment with my psychologist. I have a whole entire binder of notes from LS that I have gathered over the year of being here. I am hoping one day I can turn it into a book. If not, it will definitely be a beautiful thing to look back on. I can see that I'll be okay in the end. I just have to find a way through.

Edited July 18, 2013 by youngnlove89

[youngnlove89]

that is sooo sweet! how cute! awww he must have (probably still loves you).

 

Are you being sarcastic with my feelings?

[Talulah]

No! Not at all. I just think that it was sweet that he bought you those gifts and on the day that you had the last fight. It resonated with other feelings that I've had (have). Im sorry for the loss and I hope that you can work on moving on.

[youngnlove89]

No! Not at all. I just think that it was sweet that he bought you those gifts and on the day that you had the last fight. It resonated with other feelings that I've had (have). Im sorry for the loss and I hope that you can work on moving on.

 

Oh okay. Sorry. I didn't know.

 

Thank you. I hope I can move on too. But he has really damaged me.

[JDPT]

You had a rough night, be very easy on yourself today. It's a great thing that you have your mother to contact in times of distress as she will always provide your with honest and positive advice. I' had nights like yours, when I would go to bed at 1am wake up at 2am sitting on the edge of my bed in the dark with this complete discomfort all over my body asking myself when will this go away? So many rough nights but it gets better and seeing your therapist will speed up your process to your benefit. I'm very proud that you proactively decided to schedule an appointment with a qualified professional to walk you through this rough process, it absolutely helps. I'm starting to see results on my end my therapist is amazing and I would be completely lost and back to drugs and alcohol without professional counseling. Hang in there, we are all here for you.

[youngnlove89]

You had a rough night, be very easy on yourself today. It's a great thing that you have your mother to contact in times of distress as she will always provide your with honest and positive advice. I' had nights like yours, when I would go to bed at 1am wake up at 2am sitting on the edge of my bed in the dark with this complete discomfort all over my body asking myself when will this go away? So many rough nights but it gets better and seeing your therapist will speed up your process to your benefit. I'm very proud that you proactively decided to schedule an appointment with a qualified professional to walk you through this rough process, it absolutely helps. I'm starting to see results on my end my therapist is amazing and I would be completely lost and back to drugs and alcohol without professional counseling. Hang in there, we are all here for you.

 

 

Thank you so much. It's amazing how throughout this agony, so many people have surrounded me and shown me love and support. It's beautiful. I am so thankful for it. You have no idea. It really helps me.

 

One thing I have noticed is my thoughts of suicide have diminished. Even throughout this immense pain they are gone. I would have thought it would have been worse. But it hasn't. Thank god. Talking to my mom last night and hearing her hurt and cry because I'm hurting and crying makes me never want to leave her from this life. I would be so selfish if I did that. I have to be strong for her.

 

What was your first therapy appointment like? Did you notice a huge difference after your first visit? Do you go weekly?

[bdizzle]

Thank you so much. It's amazing how throughout this agony, so many people have surrounded me and shown me love and support. It's beautiful. I am so thankful for it. You have no idea. It really helps me.

 

One thing I have noticed is my thoughts of suicide have diminished. Even throughout this immense pain they are gone. I would have thought it would have been worse. But it hasn't. Thank god. Talking to my mom last night and hearing her hurt and cry because I'm hurting and crying makes me never want to leave her from this life. I would be so selfish if I did that. I have to be strong for her.

 

What was your first therapy appointment like? Did you notice a huge difference after your first visit? Do you go weekly?

 

Very good. No one person is worth taking your life over, especially when you have so many other more valuable people around you. You made it through the first night, well done. Not easy and you'll have more days, but getting up and going about your daily routine, the ****tiness will subside and become easier each night.

 

Proud of you for making it through the first, even though it was painful. Keep strong and dont succumb to the "I need to hear from him" or try and text or call. As we discussed, tell yourself its over. Hes not coming back. If you start replaying a scenario, you need to think "doesn't matter, hes not coming back, this conversation is pointless, he did this."

 

First therapy is getting to know you, what you'd like to accomplish, why you're there, etc. As far as frequency, all depends. Some will say weekly, bi weekly, any less than that I would ask for a change. After some time you can go to bi weekly or even monthly, but for the first few, don't be surprised if it is weekly or every 2. May notice a feeling of wow I'm finally getting some help for all these ****ed up feelings and incidents, which does help. May take a session or two. All depends on you.

 

You're on your way.

[youngnlove89]

Very good. No one person is worth taking your life over, especially when you have so many other more valuable people around you. You made it through the first night, well done. Not easy and you'll have more days, but getting up and going about your daily routine, the ****tiness will subside and become easier each night.

 

Proud of you for making it through the first, even though it was painful. Keep strong and dont succumb to the "I need to hear from him" or try and text or call. As we discussed, tell yourself its over. Hes not coming back. If you start replaying a scenario, you need to think "doesn't matter, hes not coming back, this conversation is pointless, he did this."

 

First therapy is getting to know you, what you'd like to accomplish, why you're there, etc. As far as frequency, all depends. Some will say weekly, bi weekly, any less than that I would ask for a change. After some time you can go to bi weekly or even monthly, but for the first few, don't be surprised if it is weekly or every 2. May notice a feeling of wow I'm finally getting some help for all these ****ed up feelings and incidents, which does help. May take a session or two. All depends on you.

 

You're on your way.

 

Thank you. I am so happy to be at work today and around people. I don't want to be alone right now. After work I'm going to my dad's. I have to face the nights alone for now. And so far I'm fearful of the weekend. But I'm going to the gym and then try to find someone to hangout with.

 

I'm sipping on Pedialite today after vomiting last night. I got some soup for lunch and I'm just going to start small.

 

I'm going to work on my thoughts. I get anxious when I think about last night. I get anxious wondering what he is thinking. I have to remind myself this isn't about him anymore. His thoughts/his actions are irrelevant now. I need to focus on me: How am I feeling? How am I doing? What can I do to help myself?

 

Classic rock music has become death to my ears. He introduced me to Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam, Led Zep etc. He always listened to it, and I have grown to love the music just like I grew to love him.

 

I keep picturing his face. I keep thinking back on how just last week he told me he wouldn't leave me because he loves me. I keep thinking about that thoughtful gift he bought me. The first gift he ever bought me!!!

 

Here I go again thinking about him again.

 

How am I feeling? I'm feeling better than last night.

How am I doing? I am trying to be more proactive. I can't accomplish anything moping and getting caught up in the heartbreak.

What can I do to help myself? I'm noticing my thoughts as they hit me and working on rerouting them. Every time I think about him, I remind myself that this is toxic and unhealthy. It will never work.

[JDPT]

Thank you so much. It's amazing how throughout this agony, so many people have surrounded me and shown me love and support. It's beautiful. I am so thankful for it. You have no idea. It really helps me.

 

One thing I have noticed is my thoughts of suicide have diminished. Even throughout this immense pain they are gone. I would have thought it would have been worse. But it hasn't. Thank god. Talking to my mom last night and hearing her hurt and cry because I'm hurting and crying makes me never want to leave her from this life. I would be so selfish if I did that. I have to be strong for her.

 

What was your first therapy appointment like? Did you notice a huge difference after your first visit? Do you go weekly?

 

I keep telling myself, I have been through the wringer, I've been in utter pain and agony and its time for me to let go of that. I've paid my dues by way of pain and it's time for me to enjoy life, taking it a day at a time. I tell myself that I'm over it, so over it and refuse to dwell or spend MY time and energy over someone who does not want me in their life and all of that helps so much. One thing I do suggest is, be very honest with your therapist without any reservation, it's like an attorney he/she needs to know ALL the facts in order for them to help you the best they can, that's what I've learned. In time you will see yourself transition and learn to apply healthier and wiser ways to deal with issues in life. With regards to frequency I can only suggest once a week, there are certain times when I had to see my therapist twice a week because I really needed it and she was kind enough to squeeze me in. Your therapist should tailor to your needs and wants this is imperative and you may find yourself going through a few therapist until you find the "right one" and that's ok, remember it's all about you now as you embark on your way to recovery. And happy day 1 of NC!

Edited July 18, 2013 by JDPT

[JDPT]

Thank you. I am so happy to be at work today and around people. I don't want to be alone right now. After work I'm going to my dad's. I have to face the nights alone for now. And so far I'm fearful of the weekend. But I'm going to the gym and then try to find someone to hangout with.

 

I'm sipping on Pedialite today after vomiting last night. I got some soup for lunch and I'm just going to start small.

 

I'm going to work on my thoughts. I get anxious when I think about last night. I get anxious wondering what he is thinking. I have to remind myself this isn't about him anymore. His thoughts/his actions are irrelevant now. I need to focus on me: How am I feeling? How am I doing? What can I do to help myself?

 

Classic rock music has become death to my ears. He introduced me to Pink Floyd, Pearl Jam, Led Zep etc. He always listened to it, and I have grown to love the music just like I grew to love him.

 

I keep picturing his face. I keep thinking back on how just last week he told me he wouldn't leave me because he loves me. I keep thinking about that thoughtful gift he bought me. The first gift he ever bought me!!!

 

Here I go again thinking about him again.

 

How am I feeling? I'm feeling better than last night.

How am I doing? I am trying to be more proactive. I can't accomplish anything moping and getting caught up in the heartbreak.

What can I do to help myself? I'm noticing my thoughts as they hit me and working on rerouting them. Every time I think about him, I remind myself that this is toxic and unhealthy. It will never work.

 

No need to torture yourself with more thoughts, it's over now, time to move on to better things in life.

[youngnlove89]

Me: I decided I don't want you to come on my trip, I've invited my friend instead.

 

Him: I figured. Did u open your present

 

Me: (my number) Error: Invalid Number. Please re-send text message using a valid 10-digit number: I figured. Did u open your present

 

He hasn't replied.