I might get slack for this.. but alternative to NC

[lessica]

And so do you. In what book does not being friends with an ex = "F**k you, I'm going to ignore you because you didn't give me what I want?"

 

I know I've said this to you before - if you love someone, set them free. Which includes NOT hanging around in their life, but giving them space.

 

You've never done that, which means you don't know the meaning of it. I hope one day, you do. Because that, is the purest, unconditional, unselfish, most powerful way to express love for someone.

 

 

I am sorry but at what point did you get the impression I haven't set someone free? I am not talking about my most recent ex in this post. And I am no contact with them.

 

And I have done it in the past as well.

 

So I have done this, and I understand the context of doing it for the right reasons.

[lessica]

I think you need to regain your composure. I'm not an authority and have never claimed to be. I just disagree with you and I've stated why. You are the one getting all bent out of shape about it.

 

My experiences in my life completely contradict your theory except for one circumstance, which in dealing with many other people that have broken relationships, is rare. I'm glad that you were able to find peace your way. I just feel for most people it would cause pain. Not sure what you have to throw a hissy-fit and call people names.

 

I am not use to dealing with people who aren't able to debate an issue correctly.

[Simon Phoenix]

I am not use to dealing with people who aren't able to debate an issue correctly.

 

So because I don't agree I'm not debating correctly? Come on, don't pull the negative campaigning thing like you are a politician running for office.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I stand by what I said.

 

Lessica,

 

Couple things here, first of all, what makes you think you are talking to uneducated, people who don't volunteer or care about their fellow man?

 

Dozens of people, from all ov the world, have taken their time to support you, and others on this very unpaid forum.

 

Your personal theory about staying friends with xs right after breakup was met with disagreement. It's it mature of you to dismiss others experience because you don't like it? You asked for feedback by posting it.

 

I am friends with nearly all my xs, in most cases, I needed a bit of space to get balance with my emotions. Of course this was before the ever available cellular Internet age so it was not all that hard to do. Your statement was basically by doing that I was immature and selfish. I disagree, we can debate the pros and cons if you can maintain your grace and understand people have different life experience, and I daresay MORE life experience than you.

 

Many people find the friends connection disengenuous after a breakup or too painful, who are you to judge them?

 

You decided to suck it up for the good of a friendship, good for you. Do I think it's the RIGHT way? No, I don't.

 

And by the way, psychiatrists agree with me.

[Simon Phoenix]

By the way, I'm friendly with most of my exes, including ones that I had No Contact with for a significant time after the breakup. In fact, the only one I never really had a friendly discourse with afterward was a girl who a) cheated on me and b) who I hounded for friendship and reconciliation with in the immediate aftermath of the break until I found out that she cheated. All the rest think I'm a pretty swell guy.

 

Like I said, I'm glad your approach works for you. But it's like an athlete with an unconventional playing style. Not sure how familiar you are with football, but Brett Favre took a lot of risk and threw the ball from unconventional angles in his Hall of Fame quarterback career. But most players that try to play like him have a really difficult time, because his approach, while effective for him, was extremely unorthodox and doesn't work for most people. That's kind of how I perceive what you are talking about. Awesome that it works for you, but for most, it'd be a disaster.

[Talulah]

Some people CAN stay with their exes, other CANNOT or chose not to. It has nothing to do with maturity, some people's emotions just run high (me:bunny:) and need time to get over them. If you get do so then great, I tried last week and am mad that I am not getting the attention that I used to get from him. So no, we can't befriends. And he will probably not be part of my future.

[AllTooWell]

I think people are losing sight of something. OP has said on a few occasions that this is when both people want the friendship and are able to compose themselves enough to maintain it.

 

In that case yeah fine, good, have the friendship.

 

But the people who come to this forum are NOT the people who are ready to have that relationship with their ex (if they were, they wouldn't be here posting about being heartbroken, etc. They would be able to compose themselves and continue that friendship.) and that's why they are advised to go NC. So it is not wise to tell the people who come here looking for advice

 

"Well have you tried just burrying your feelings, being friends, and pretending that talking to him isn't killing you inside for a few months?"

 

Just take a look at OP's reaction "You are selfish, uneducated, etc" - that was an outlash of emotion to someone she didn't KNOW who pushed her buttons - so think of how people often react to their exes, who say and do a lot worse to them than simply disagree with a healing theory

 

So yes, being friends is possible in a really specific set of circumstances. Often times one or both parties simply does not want the friendship, and it cannot be done.

[aloneinaz]

Wow.. this thread got active quickly! I stand by everything I said in my posts. I think the majority of dumpee's DON'T want contact after being dumped nor do the dumpers. People need time and space to decompress and cope with their emotions. If it was a mutal split, then maybe it's possible.

 

Each break up has it's own dynamic. In my case, my ex wasn't a very nice person the last 4-5 months and showed me her true personality, charactor and colors. As a result of how I was treated, it's MY choice to simply not to want to reengage with her. It's been 7 weeks since we ended with NC on either side. I don't expect to hear from her emotionally unstable self and lord knows she'll NEVER hear from me again.

 

It's important to note that I am on friendly terms with all my other ex's. Most are on my Facebook but in most cases, YEARS went by before we were at the stage of friendship.

[bluegreen]

I also agree this s... does not work !!!!

Unless of course both sides could not care less about one another.

You did stuff you talked stuff you went to stuff and what will you after 2-3 weeks do chat and advise them on how to do stuff with someone else giggle clap them on back and have same from them?

 

 

:laugh:

 

 

What a joke in what fairy tale does that happen?

[HobGadling]

Understandably since we are talking about break ups people are going to get emotional.

 

I think we all have differing ideas about what 'friendship' and 'no contact' means.

 

For me the ideal with an ex should be like old school friends. You don't take an active interest in each other's lives but you do keep in touch now and then. If it hurts too much to talk to them tell them before you block them. Swallow your pride and be honest with yourself and them.

 

I'm annoyed about my ex blocking me. But I understand how seeing each other's pictures, relationship statuses etc can harm healing. But in my case we both had a lot going on in our lives. We were long distance as well. It was circumstances and not personalities that ended our relationship. I couldn't see any reason why we can't be friends. But then a female friend told me something last night that broke my heart: she's doing it because she really loved you. The break up message was at 4am, she'd spent the whole night worrying about it. The wording of the message "I THINK we SHOULD stop seeing each other." She was tired, stressed out, and I'd been acting distant and distracted. It wasn't definite. She was looking for me to see if I was willing to persuade her otherwise. Mine is a UNIQUE case where I could have tried save the relationship but instead used NC out of spite and anger. Which it is not designed for.

 

No contact is a tool used to heal. Not to manipulate or passive aggressively say FU to someone who dumped you.

 

If the break up has been particularly painful, or if the relationship was abusive then you should use no contact to remove that person from your life.

 

I think the people speaking out against no contact are people like me. Where the relationship ended because of outside circumstances. Or when no contact seems a lot more melodramatic considering the break up.

 

I have found that being friends with an ex can usually lead to you naturally fading out of each others lives. Like old school friends they were a big part of your life once but now are just a fond memory. A fond memory you can interact with from time to time.

 

Just saying. No contact works for some situations. Being friends with an ex works for others. Neither reaction to a break up should be dismissed out of hand.

[Echo000]

super dissapointed with OP. followed some of her earlier threads..had no idea she was so aggressive/immature/hostile.

 

I too disagree completely with her idea, although (unlike her toward others) i RESPECT it and can see that if two people amicably split up and feelings between the two have died out (maybe toward the end of the relationship), then they can be friends.

 

But let me tell you something simple and true: if you really, actually LOVE the person, you can not simply be their friend. What hurt so much about my situation- my ex is moving away and wanted to remain in contact- texting/calling occasionally- as friends i guess? she wanted my "love and support". but when there is love there, that cannot be. thats pain disguised as "friendship". So, OP, it is indeed possible under very rare circumstances. but often, 95% of the time, completely unrealistic.