I might get slack for this.. but alternative to NC

[HobGadling]

I saw this phrase in another thread that I think should be the rule (or close to it):

 

You can't be friends with an ex. But you can be friendly.

 

There's usually too much between you and too many lingering feelings to be true friends.

 

As for no contact:

I think a good rule of thumb should be at least one month without contacting each other. But the intent should be stated.

 

No contact shouldn't be used to get over someone or as a weapon to inspire jealousy or manipulate someone into getting them back. It should be used to calm down during the very emotional period after a break up.

 

It might take longer, but at some point you should be able to at least swap the odd email or message on Facebook.

 

...You don't need to read further. This is just my story...

 

When I broke up with my ex I unfriended her on Facebook and kakaotalk. But after 3 weeks I tried to contact her. No response. Here was my mistake... I DIDN'T TELL HER WHY I WAS DOING IT WHEN I BLOCKED HER. Once I had calmed down I realised I missed her and wanted to see how she was. Her mother's tumour was growing back, her mother's dog was sick, her university professor was harassing her, she was worrying about graduating and finding a job. I wanted to know how that turned out.

 

I thought I was blocking her because she was a bitch and I was better off without her. But really it was because she bruised my ego. Our last date (4 weeks before the break up) had been a disaster.

 

She was always asking if I'd told my parents about her, saying she loved me after only a couple of months. My confidence issues made it hard for me to believe it was true. Idiot.

 

Anyway. After our disastrous last date I realised I needed to buck up my ideas. I joined a gym, quit smoking, changed my diet. I deleted all my video games from my PC and spent more time studying Korean. I told my parents about her. I told her I wanted her to come and visit the UK. I'd picked out a restaurant, I'd bought a new outfit so I could look my best when she came back the next weekend. I wanted it to be a surprise. (ARGH! That makes it sound like I was going to propose. No no no no no. I was just going to take her on a really great date to make up for the last one).

 

She broke up with me on Facebook. I shot off a cold message along the lines of 'fine'.

 

I thought I was boldly going into a world of infinite possibilities. A thousand shimmering paths ahead of me.

 

I was just pissed off because she'd hurt my pride. Had I made the effort for her or just because she'd hurt my pride the last time she saw me and was really critical.

 

With hindsight I can see the things she complained about where the things I hated about myself.

 

I sent her a couple of emails. Never angry. I can see now why she wouldn't read them or respond to them. I'd tell her I was doing better at work, was losing weight, was taking Korean classes. But no response.

 

I was wrong to go no contact without telling her.

 

I should never have been spineless enough to not call her. She'd changed her phone though after a month. I didn't read anything into that though, she'd talked before we broke up about updating her phone.

 

The worst was this year. For some reason I was never able to send her a message on Facebook.

 

When I went home at Christmas I had a wonderful time with family and friends. It had been a rough year for all my family but things had gotten better. I went back to Korea with a lot of confidence.

 

So far 2013 has been brilliant. I got a promotion to head of year. My students have been fantastic. Every day is a joy and I'm sad we're already halfway through the year. I've lost loads of weight. I've been studying Korean. I do volunteer work. I got my first role in a play (my modest ambition has always to be an actor - even just an amateur). I write every day. I go running. Talking to my parents is no longer a chore and actually something I really enjoy doing (I used to be an immature jerk).

 

The man she dumped drank, smoked, sat on his ass playing video games and ranting on internet forums. He didn't do anything. I realise I lacked confidence at the time because turning 30 that wasn't who I wanted to be.

 

If only she'd had more patience. But then again. Would I have become a better person without her dumping me? She was the kick in my complacency I needed.

 

In April I saw the option to message her had reappeared. I sent her an honest message asking her how she was. Within a few minutes she had blocked me. Had she even read it? Does she really feel so much revulsion towards me?

 

I was mad for about a month. Fuming. I've never been rejected by an ex like that before.

 

My only crimes have been:

1) To be a crappy boyfriend.

2) To immediately go no contact without telling her that was what I was doing.

3) To not be decisive enough when trying to talk to her. Should have just been direct.

 

Now I'm feeling much better. The changes in my life mean I am getting more female attention than ever. Ironic considering that more than ever in my life I just want to be with one person. The more women I date the more I realise that she was the one person in my life I've had a real genuine spark with. I'm mad at myself because now I know I could be a man she is proud of (could - I still have a way to go). I never felt I deserved her. Letting her go was just easy, the kind of lazy thinking I was guilty of in the past.

 

I can see it from her side. When it's over it's over. I acted like a child. Maybe she was looking for me to persuade her we could make it work? Maybe she was offended I didn't pursue her enough? She's been stalked by guys in the past (which made me worry about sending her messages in case she saw it as stalking or harrasment). She's told me about ex's and stalkers haunting her. Maybe this is just her rule from experience. It hurts my ego to be lumped in with guys who have cheated on her, stalked her, stolen money from her because all I was was an immature schmuck. But that's how she deals with it.

 

My friend put it this way. You deserved to be dumped. But you don't deserve the silent treatment.

 

I find my friends in their late 20s / early 30s have this sensibility. There is a difference between a crappy relationship and a crappy human being.

 

I've changed. Her breaking up with me was a positive motivating force in my life. It hurts she wont speak to me. It is melodramatic to say but the thought I will never even hear one word from her before I die hurts. I'm also scared I will never meet someone who makes me feel the same way. I meet beautiful wonderful women all the time. Yet I never feel the same spark. Why? Because I really did love her? Or because she bruised my ego?

 

Well. The test of if you have moved on is whether you can see them and not feel anything. I met one ex girlfriend for dinner several months after we broke up. It was a pleasant evening, she looked beautiful but there was no real chemistry. I saw that she was attractive but didn't feel attracted. if you know what I mean. We still send each other message on birthdays and at Christmas. She was a very valuable person in my life and I loved the time we spent together. But she was stubborn and I was even more immature.

 

Ok, to sum up. Think carefully before going no contact. If you do set out how long you intend to do it for. See if you can both agree.

 

In my case. It took several months and my life to become more stable to realise what I'd lost. I don't want the time back. I love my life now, and I'm sure she would enjoy sharing it with me. But I lost the chance because I went no contact without really thinking about it.

 

Thank you for reading my long post. I needed to get it all out there. She's gone. She'll never speak to me again. Her choice. My fault. But I know it will never happen again because of the lessons I learned from her.

Edited July 18, 2013 by HobGadling

[xilver]

So many generalizations. The dumper doesn't always dump someone because they want to move on. They break up because something was not working. It sometimes has nothing to do with wanting to find someone else. It is sometimes about escaping the situation. If you've been rejected maybe you should take a look at why. If they tell you they still love you and miss you then they probably do. If you can change that something about yourself then do it if you love that person. Show them you've changed, and it may take time but if they do love you they will take you back. Sometimes nc is the immature and easy way out. Like the other poster said, sometimes going nc will be that final straw to show someone that you just don't care. I'm just saying use caution with it and look at other options first.

[aloneinaz]

I am sorry, but I don't think any of this is reasonable or rational, I think it is emotion fueled bull****. And people should be decent and rise above it.

 

I understood that I would get some disagreement on this site, as I am aware that my thoughts are in conflict with the main info passed around.

 

There are ALOT of assumptions with the theories passed around.

 

At the end of the day, everyone needs to go down the path they're most comfortable with. I just think immediantly being friendly and pals with someone who dumped you lets the dumper off the hook, especially if they were'nt cool in how they did it.

 

NC for me is for ME to heal, get over her and move on w/my life. I busted my butt for her the last several months, helping her around her house and yard, with her kids, etc.. My thanks for this was a woman who was continually stressed out, angry, overwhelmed, snappy, and a mean, nasty bitch. If you love someone, they are the last person you should treat this way, especially if you're doing everything you can to help them destress. My ex broke up w/me the same day we made vacation plans. The same day she told me I was stuck with her for the duration. The same day she told me she loved me multiple times. She ended it AGAIN because I told her I was tired of her being a dick to me when she was stressed, tired or angry. How dare I hold her accountable. She doesn't answer to ANYONE for her poor behavior...

 

So, in my case, I see no value in having ANY relationship with her again. Is there some emotion behind this decision, absolutely. She simply wasn't a nice person and I believe she's emotionally unstable. I won't have to worry about ignoring any contact from her. She never took responsibility for her poor behavior and I'm sure she's justified her decision in her head. Her loss...

[lessica]

I just wanted to come back and say that I mean this in the context that;

 

Both parties are decent people.

Nothing was done to either that was cruel ie cheating/leaving for someone else before ending it.

And respect was still shown.

 

I think that there should be a big difference between 'hurting someone' and 'choosing to leave a relationship'.

 

Obviously, if an ex is a complete jerk- why would you want anything to do with them anyway. NC- and fair enough!

 

But if the ex just wanted different things, or wasn't feeling it anymore on a romantic level then I don't think we should hold it against them. And I think friendship would be a great outcome.

 

No need to burn every bridge we cross.

[lessica]

"It is free will... The dumpee should realize THEY don't get everything THEY want, and perhaps accept that rather than shutting people out." Really? So doesn't the dumpee also benefit from the free will thing when he/she initiates NC? Usually EXs that go away decide to do so because they want to improve their own life. Why doesn't the dumpee deserve to do the same? What is so immature about that? Actually my recent EX messaged me on FB a week ago to ask why am I not feeling the need to talk to her. I replied "because you would only reply when it suits you". EXs that keep want to continue "friendships" or "contact" when the dumpee is not completely over them are just plain mean or have no consideration for the dumpee's feelings. Don't get me wrong, if my ex messages me I will probably answer but that is because I think it just shows weakness if I don't, but I hardly EVER initiate contact. Maybe a link to something funny or something about some conference that's all. That being sad, just be happy and do whatever you must to heal yourself. The dumper should be nr. 2 in this equation. You were certainly nr. 2 when they left. Just keep strong!

 

I agree with this. My thoughts are reliant on both people being reasonable. But I still do feel that it could be beneficial to remain friends and work through the healing process at the same time. I see that as building blocks towards becoming a very strong reflexive individual, and I believe it would give a lot of preparation for future relationships.

 

I don't like the all or nothingness of NC, I think we should respect each others wishes. And has long as you were shown respect in the process there should be no necessity to cut someone out.

 

Ie. Your ex texts and says "I am really missing you"

 

Instead of 'that *******!, giving me a breadcrumb, what a selfish piece of ****', or 'oh he loves me again'

 

Couldn't we think 'okay so this person misses me but they are trying to get on with things, they don't want to be with me, but the still appreciated our time together, it is sad how relationships end, but it is part of life.'

[lessica]

As a dumpee, we don't owe the dumper crap once they tell us they are done. They all but told us they don't want us in their lives anymore and want to find someone else. At that point, why on earth would I want to "be friends" with someone who rejected me at any level? I simply can't wrap my brain around that.

 

I truly believe that dumpee's have much more power and control after being dumped than we realize. Having the self respect, confidence and self esteem to immediately disappear from the dumpers life and move on with their life makes a strong statement to the dumper. It creates doubt in their mind even if they don't want to get back together. It says to them, ok, you made your decision and I'll live with it. I'll find someone else.

We don't owe the dumper crap. We don't owe them a response to a text, email or phone call. This is our power. You made the decision dumper, live with it. I have a tremendous amount of respect for several people I know that got dumped and would never talk to the dumper again nor would they consider reconciliation.

 

I think getting to a friendly stage is possible only after years have passed. I'm friendly with a couple of old girl friends on Facebook. I dumped both of them in a nice manner and they moved on w/their lifes and its fun to chit chat with them occasionally.

 

Trying to create doubt in someones mind is petty. Disappearing and going NC I think in most cases is bitterness and weakness (unless someone is genuinely finding it that difficult to be in contact).

 

You can still have the resolve to never reconcile, to never be the support person you were before, but you CAN do this while in contact. And if you are planning on proving them wrong, your going to do far better by showing them. You just have to be real about it. Make your decisions, stick to them, and eventually the dumper will see that they have made a mistake/you are a grounded strong person.

 

I am not saying hang around and be someones bitch, just if any friendship can be had I think people should go for it, but still move on grow etc at the same time. If someone I dumped did that I would have a ****load of respect for them.

[Simon Phoenix]

I only had one breakup where contact afterward wasn't detrimental, and that's because it was the closest thing possible to a mutual, no-hard-feelings breakup that you can get. It was in college and both her and I just had too much on our plates (or thought we did). There were no hard feelings at all -- we still hung out on occasion and would hook up here and there. There was one time after she met another guy that I got drunk and somewhat annoyed by it, but otherwise, it was cool.

 

That being said, I don't really put much credence into your theory. Most of the time, NC -- at least for a while -- is a much better way to go. You don't get points for degree of difficulty in recovery. And a "hell f--king no" to staying in contact after they cheated on you.

[Simon Phoenix]

Trying to create doubt in someones mind is petty. Disappearing and going NC I think in most cases is bitterness and weakness (unless someone is genuinely finding it that difficult to be in contact).

 

You can still have the resolve to never reconcile, to never be the support person you were before, but you CAN do this while in contact. And if you are planning on proving them wrong, your going to do far better by showing them. You just have to be real about it. Make your decisions, stick to them, and eventually the dumper will see that they have made a mistake/you are a grounded strong person.

 

I am not saying hang around and be someones bitch, just if any friendship can be had I think people should go for it, but still move on grow etc at the same time. If someone I dumped did that I would have a ****load of respect for them.

 

This is unbelievably wrong and shortsighted IMO. If anything, staying in contact is weak. But yeah, I couldn't disagree more with the bolded statement.

[lessica]

I saw this phrase in another thread that I think should be the rule (or close to it):

 

You can't be friends with an ex. But you can be friendly.

 

There's usually too much between you and too many lingering feelings to be true friends.

 

As for no contact:

I think a good rule of thumb should be at least one month without contacting each other. But the intent should be stated.

 

No contact shouldn't be used to get over someone or as a weapon to inspire jealousy or manipulate someone into getting them back. It should be used to calm down during the very emotional period after a break up.

 

It might take longer, but at some point you should be able to at least swap the odd email or message on Facebook.

 

...You don't need to read further. This is just my story...

 

When I broke up with my ex I unfriended her on Facebook and kakaotalk. But after 3 weeks I tried to contact her. No response. Here was my mistake... I DIDN'T TELL HER WHY I WAS DOING IT WHEN I BLOCKED HER. Once I had calmed down I realised I missed her and wanted to see how she was. Her mother's tumour was growing back, her mother's dog was sick, her university professor was harassing her, she was worrying about graduating and finding a job. I wanted to know how that turned out.

 

I thought I was blocking her because she was a bitch and I was better off without her. But really it was because she bruised my ego. Our last date (4 weeks before the break up) had been a disaster.

 

She was always asking if I'd told my parents about her, saying she loved me after only a couple of months. My confidence issues made it hard for me to believe it was true. Idiot.

 

Anyway. After our disastrous last date I realised I needed to buck up my ideas. I joined a gym, quit smoking, changed my diet. I deleted all my video games from my PC and spent more time studying Korean. I told my parents about her. I told her I wanted her to come and visit the UK. I'd picked out a restaurant, I'd bought a new outfit so I could look my best when she came back the next weekend. I wanted it to be a surprise. (ARGH! That makes it sound like I was going to propose. No no no no no. I was just going to take her on a really great date to make up for the last one).

 

She broke up with me on Facebook. I shot off a cold message along the lines of 'fine'.

 

I thought I was boldly going into a world of infinite possibilities. A thousand shimmering paths ahead of me.

 

I was just pissed off because she'd hurt my pride. Had I made the effort for her or just because she'd hurt my pride the last time she saw me and was really critical.

 

With hindsight I can see the things she complained about where the things I hated about myself.

 

I sent her a couple of emails. Never angry. I can see now why she wouldn't read them or respond to them. I'd tell her I was doing better at work, was losing weight, was taking Korean classes. But no response.

 

I was wrong to go no contact without telling her.

 

I should never have been spineless enough to not call her. She'd changed her phone though after a month. I didn't read anything into that though, she'd talked before we broke up about updating her phone.

 

The worst was this year. For some reason I was never able to send her a message on Facebook.

 

When I went home at Christmas I had a wonderful time with family and friends. It had been a rough year for all my family but things had gotten better. I went back to Korea with a lot of confidence.

 

So far 2013 has been brilliant. I got a promotion to head of year. My students have been fantastic. Every day is a joy and I'm sad we're already halfway through the year. I've lost loads of weight. I've been studying Korean. I do volunteer work. I got my first role in a play (my modest ambition has always to be an actor - even just an amateur). I write every day. I go running. Talking to my parents is no longer a chore and actually something I really enjoy doing (I used to be an immature jerk).

 

The man she dumped drank, smoked, sat on his ass playing video games and ranting on internet forums. He didn't do anything. I realise I lacked confidence at the time because turning 30 that wasn't who I wanted to be.

 

If only she'd had more patience. But then again. Would I have become a better person without her dumping me? She was the kick in my complacency I needed.

 

In April I saw the option to message her had reappeared. I sent her an honest message asking her how she was. Within a few minutes she had blocked me. Had she even read it? Does she really feel so much revulsion towards me?

 

I was mad for about a month. Fuming. I've never been rejected by an ex like that before.

 

My only crimes have been:

1) To be a crappy boyfriend.

2) To immediately go no contact without telling her that was what I was doing.

3) To not be decisive enough when trying to talk to her. Should have just been direct.

 

Now I'm feeling much better. The changes in my life mean I am getting more female attention than ever. Ironic considering that more than ever in my life I just want to be with one person. The more women I date the more I realise that she was the one person in my life I've had a real genuine spark with. I'm mad at myself because now I know I could be a man she is proud of (could - I still have a way to go). I never felt I deserved her. Letting her go was just easy, the kind of lazy thinking I was guilty of in the past.

 

I can see it from her side. When it's over it's over. I acted like a child. Maybe she was looking for me to persuade her we could make it work? Maybe she was offended I didn't pursue her enough? She's been stalked by guys in the past (which made me worry about sending her messages in case she saw it as stalking or harrasment). She's told me about ex's and stalkers haunting her. Maybe this is just her rule from experience. It hurts my ego to be lumped in with guys who have cheated on her, stalked her, stolen money from her because all I was was an immature schmuck. But that's how she deals with it.

 

My friend put it this way. You deserved to be dumped. But you don't deserve the silent treatment.

 

I find my friends in their late 20s / early 30s have this sensibility. There is a difference between a crappy relationship and a crappy human being.

 

I've changed. Her breaking up with me was a positive motivating force in my life. It hurts she wont speak to me. It is melodramatic to say but the thought I will never even hear one word from her before I die hurts. I'm also scared I will never meet someone who makes me feel the same way. I meet beautiful wonderful women all the time. Yet I never feel the same spark. Why? Because I really did love her? Or because she bruised my ego?

 

Well. The test of if you have moved on is whether you can see them and not feel anything. I met one ex girlfriend for dinner several months after we broke up. It was a pleasant evening, she looked beautiful but there was no real chemistry. I saw that she was attractive but didn't feel attracted. if you know what I mean. We still send each other message on birthdays and at Christmas. She was a very valuable person in my life and I loved the time we spent together. But she was stubborn and I was even more immature.

 

Ok, to sum up. Think carefully before going no contact. If you do set out how long you intend to do it for. See if you can both agree.

 

In my case. It took several months and my life to become more stable to realise what I'd lost. I don't want the time back. I love my life now, and I'm sure she would enjoy sharing it with me. But I lost the chance because I went no contact without really thinking about it.

 

Thank you for reading my long post. I needed to get it all out there. She's gone. She'll never speak to me again. Her choice. My fault. But I know it will never happen again because of the lessons I learned from her.

 

Love your story, the perspective is brilliant.

[lessica]

This is unbelievably wrong and shortsighted IMO. If anything, staying in contact is weak. But yeah, I couldn't disagree more with the bolded statement.

 

 

You cant handle your emotions when talking to someone so you run away. That is where I see the weakness in it. I see being strong as talking to someone, managing your emotions, and keeping an objective perspective in doing so.

 

Yes it is hard to go NC, but people do it because it is easier than staying in contact? Becuase they can't handle themselves to 'heal' while in contact.

 

This is the impression I get anyway.

[Simon Phoenix]

You cant handle your emotions when talking to someone so you run away. That is where I see the weakness in it. I see being strong as talking to someone, managing your emotions, and keeping an objective perspective in doing so.

 

Yes it is hard to go NC, but people do it because it is easier than staying in contact? Becuase they can't handle themselves to 'heal' while in contact.

 

This is the impression I get anyway.

 

I think recognizing you can't handle your emotions and staying away is a hell of a lot more mature that contacting and throwing the emotional gauntlet all over your ex. And it's much harder, at least at first, to not contact someone you've loved than to stay in contact. Your perspective is completely ass-backwards on that. Going no contact requires a hell of a lot more discipline, especially in its early stages.

 

I would be more on board with your theory if we were soulless, emotionless robots. But humans have emotions, and it's a sign of strength to recognize the fragility of those emotions and not subject the other person to them than to selfishly emote.

 

But yes, in the robot world I think your theory would work.

[Simon Phoenix]

This is why I mentioned the whole insecurity thing. A secure person doesn't give a flying fig whether the person who dumped them/person they dumped, has respect for them. Because a secure person is not in the business of being universally liked.

 

I need to be respected by my colleagues, my parents, my friends, my managers. I don't need to be respected by an ex. I just need to respect myself. And bowing out gracefully and focusing on my own healing, whilst giving them space to grieve and move on, is the respectful thing to do, even if they don't think so at the time.

 

I honestly think they have more respect for you if you go away and you live your life than if you stay around like an annoying tick.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Can you not put yourself first an maintain a friendship? Can you not deal with heartbreak while still remaining close to someone?

 

 

Actually, in most cases no. Even in your case, you compromised to keep the connection with your x. Something that you indicated was a potential future relationship and not just a friendship. It worked for you, but for most people no. The proximity prevents people from emotionally separating.

 

NC is for healing, after real healing some people can become friends.

 

The push pull of ending can feel like death by a million cuts for most people.

[lessica]

I think recognizing you can't handle your emotions and staying away is a hell of a lot more mature that contacting and throwing the emotional gauntlet all over your ex. And it's much harder, at least at first, to not contact someone you've loved than to stay in contact. Your perspective is completely ass-backwards on that. Going no contact requires a hell of a lot more discipline, especially in its early stages.

 

I would be more on board with your theory if we were soulless, emotionless robots. But humans have emotions, and it's a sign of strength to recognize the fragility of those emotions and not subject the other person to them than to selfishly emote.

 

But yes, in the robot world I think your theory would work.

 

 

Lol, I wish we were robots. Yeah, so I am going of the circumstance where you have it in you to manage your emotions when dealing with someone- I think that is very hard, but excellent if we can learn to do it.

 

For me, it all rests on the circumstances-mainly the decency of the dumper, to remain in contact I mean.

 

Both of my parents and my baby sister were killed in a car crash when I was 15. I think it toughened me up a hell of a lot. And I just feel that it is good for us to suffer and push through. Facing the dread of dealing with someone you are in love with but has left you, and forcing yourself to deal with your emotions I think would be really hard, but good for us- but of course the ex needs to be decent.

[lessica]

I honestly think they have more respect for you if you go away and you live your life than if you stay around like an annoying tick.

 

I don't mean stay around, and annoy them. I mean be reasonable, be friends. Show each other respect. Not hound them down trying to get them back.

 

Composure=respect

[Simon Phoenix]

Lol, I wish we were robots. Yeah, so I am going of the circumstance where you have it in you to manage your emotions when dealing with someone- I think that is very hard, but excellent if we can learn to do it.

 

For me, it all rests on the circumstances-mainly the decency of the dumper, to remain in contact I mean.

 

Both of my parents and my baby sister were killed in a car crash when I was 15. I think it toughened me up a hell of a lot. And I just feel that it is good for us to suffer and push through. Facing the dread of dealing with someone you are in love with but has left you, and forcing yourself to deal with your emotions I think would be really hard, but good for us- but of course the ex needs to be decent.

 

I don't think it's good at all. In fact, I think it retards progress. I'm sorry, I just don't agree with you in the slightest. In a laboratory where you can control the environment sure, it's fine, but this is real life. Separate from them, figure out what you need to do to get back to zero, and then if you want to contact the ex then, feel free. Hell, I've been in contact with my ex for a few months now sporadically. But I'm sorry, you sound like a steroid-bound meathead who thinks that people are weak if they don't break down a brick wall by headbutting it. Even if you can, why not use a hammer or, better yet, the perfect viable door just to your right?

 

There are plenty of tough people on this site. Just because they go NC doesn't mean they aren't mentally tough.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't mean stay around, and annoy them. I mean be reasonable, be friends. Show each other respect. Not hound them down trying to get them back.

 

Composure=respect

 

Why do they deserve our friendship when they broke our heart? Why should we cowtow to them? They already got what they want -- they broke up with us. So we should give them friendship too if we want more? We shouldn't try to get them back if we want to?

 

Ass-backwards. And I would guarantee my most recent ex respects the hell out of me for backing off and letting both her and I decompress instead of trying to pull your approach.

[Simon Phoenix]

You sound like Kevin Costner's Roy McAvoy in the movie Tin Cup.

 

McAvoy after he qualified for the next tournament: "I played the back nine with just a seven iron."

 

Don Johnson's character: Why?

[lessica]

People like you are what is wrong with the world.

 

Selfish, self serving, self involved. Go do some volunteer work or something.

[Simon Phoenix]

People like you are what is wrong with the world.

 

Selfish, self serving, self involved. Go do some volunteer work or something.

 

Who was this directed at? Seems like you are getting a bit too wound up and taking this personally.

[lessica]

Why do they deserve our friendship when they broke our heart? Why should we cowtow to them? They already got what they want -- they broke up with us. So we should give them friendship too if we want more? We shouldn't try to get them back if we want to?

 

Ass-backwards. And I would guarantee my most recent ex respects the hell out of me for backing off and letting both her and I decompress instead of trying to pull your approach.

 

My approach is not about smothering them and making them and not giving a chance to decompress. My approach is about not being a pathetic bitter person and just saying "**** them for not giving me what I want I'll ignore them forever".

 

Crazed.

 

God, people really jump to crazy conclusions on here. I am guessing you are all uneducated.

[lessica]

Who was this directed at? Seems like you are getting a bit too wound up and taking this personally.

 

Directed at you, Simon. I think it is disgusting that people like you are forcing your ideas on vulnerable people, as if you are some authority, when you are not.

 

People on here make statements as if things are black and white, well they are not.

[lessica]

Wow. And the true colours come out...

 

I stand by what I said.

[Simon Phoenix]

My approach is not about smothering them and making them and not giving a chance to decompress. My approach is about not being a pathetic bitter person and just saying "**** them for not giving me what I want I'll ignore them forever".

 

Crazed.

 

God, people really jump to crazy conclusions on here. I am guessing you are all uneducated.

 

Considering that I have mentioned multiple times ITT that I have been talking to my ex lately, maybe you should pump the brakes a bit on the "uneducated" comments. I mean, if you can't read and process that, then should you really be making these type of comments?

 

And why should I be friends with my ex if I don't want to be friends with my ex? Why do you insist on this? NC isn't about punishing the other person -- it's about helping yourself and getting yourself back to a better state of mind. I'm really not sure why a) you don't grasp this and b) why you have to result to insults and potshots when someone doesn't agree with you? I mean, for someone preaching composure, you are kind of losing your mind right now.

[Simon Phoenix]

Directed at you, Simon. I think it is disgusting that people like you are forcing your ideas on vulnerable people, as if you are some authority, when you are not.

 

People on here make statements as if things are black and white, well they are not.

 

I think you need to regain your composure. I'm not an authority and have never claimed to be. I just disagree with you and I've stated why. You are the one getting all bent out of shape about it.

 

My experiences in my life completely contradict your theory except for one circumstance, which in dealing with many other people that have broken relationships, is rare. I'm glad that you were able to find peace your way. I just feel for most people it would cause pain. Not sure what you have to throw a hissy-fit and call people names.