I might get slack for this.. but alternative to NC

[lessica]

I have been thinking a lot about previous relationships since my ex (whom I was with for seven years) left me.

 

I have no desire to contact him, or be with him again because of his problems with addiction/mental issues.

 

BUT I have one ex whom I lived with for a good year, he broke up with me. But we remained in contact.

 

Yes it was difficult at first, as was contact. But I learned a very good lesson, and that was composure regardless of feelings-a healer in itself. Till this day we are very close, if I need him he is there, we have mutual respect for each other. Although we both moved on, we remained close. And we would both be open to being together in the future, but we have had other loved ones.

 

I remember him telling me "I have not been with anyone, other than you, that had the maturity to handle a break up in a way the led to genuine friendship and mutual respect"

 

Of course, I was flattered.

 

The more I think of this the more I think that when you love someone (you can love friends) you have a connection with them, this connection can change and evolve, but it doesn't need to be severed.

 

So what makes people sever ties with people they 'loved'?

 

In my opinion it is because they come to the conclusion that they were not 'loved' back.

I cannot understand why NC is the only means of moving on and healing. I don't believe it is set in stone that you have to cut contact to gain self respect, and repair damage.

This, to me, may work, but it is a 'flight' scenario as psychologists put it. It is possible that being in contact would take longer to move on, but surely it would teach us a lot, without losing someone that was once close to us?

 

With attachment, if you continue to be attached while in contact with someone you will push them away anyway. But if you deal with your attachment issues while in contact, wouldn't that force you to be composed, or force you to deal with it, and allow for at least a meaningful friendship?

 

Accountability for our actions is an important thing, even if we were betrayed, cheated on (anything less than abuse), things, sometimes even things beyond anyone's control lead to that. I think that our ex's weren't necessarily 'all bad', and I think a lot of us know that deep down.

 

If you keep in contact, and say a year down the track you are still seriously hung up on someone then I think it is more of a question of 'what have I not dealt with?', or 'why do I have no control'... rather than 'it is because we keep talking to someone'.

 

I believe keeping in contact could be a good step towards emotional maturity, if you work on yourself you could gain respect, friendship/meaningful relationships, and emotional strength.

 

NC does work, obviously, but perhaps not for the better...

 

 

This is just an opinion, I was a sociology major not psychology, but just going off micro sociology and my experiences with others in life.

Edited July 18, 2013 by lessica

[AllTooWell]

I think it depends.

 

Like you break up with someone and it's mutual, you both agree it needed to be done, sure keep in contact, ease out of the breakup and be friends.

 

But people break up for A LOT of different reasons. Most of the time THE DUMPER doesn't actually want you as a friend and just says that to ease their guilt. Obviously with you and your ex, you both wanted to maintain that friendship. But a lot of dumpers don't, and so when the dumpee reaches out and is ignored they are then hurt ("I thought we were going to try and be friends?")

 

Or, the dumper says they want to be friends but then is manipulative and controlling. "Have you hooked up with anyone? Are you talking to anyone? Have you dated anyone?" And the dumpee feels inclined to answer, thinking the dumper wants them back, which they don't. It's hard for either party to let go of their ego and the fact that they don't want their ex to be with someone else.

 

 

The fact is that the time you spend trying to be friends first often hurts and makes things worse. Sure you could "have composure" but the fact is that in some cases you both are trying to manipulate each other and make each other jealous.

 

 

The friendship is almost always tainted. And when the breakup is not balanced (not mutual) and one person still has extremely strong feelings for the other, it can be difficult to let go. You become clingy, annoying, needy, and even though you're TRYING to be a friend you have a hard time accepting your position as a friend because previously, as a SO, you had dominance over every one else and now you're on the backburner as a friend.

 

 

I also think that most people who come here fresh from a breakup have hope that they can fix things with their ex. Fighting it out to be friends will cause more drama and push the ex further away, and when you are both ultimately friendzoned you do not have the chance to get back together. That's why NC is important for healing and for those who want to work on themselves and try again with an Ex.

 

I think yeah people can be friends if they actually, genuinely mean it and have an amicable break up. How often does that happen? Not often on this website because if it was a mutual fallen out of love situation, you wouldn't be sititng here crying about it.

 

A lot of people will trick themselves into believing their ready for friendship so that they can maintain contact with their ex in the hopes of reconciliation.

 

 

It will slow down your healing in most cases. I would rather spend 6 months not talking, then come back and have a friendship, than spend 6 months of complete hell, fighting, being hurt, being jealous and being manipulated.

 

 

It depends COMPLETELY on the situation and I do not and will not advocate trying to be friends to anyone (maybe I will in the future) on this forum. Because if you were ready and capable of having a true friendship with them, you wouldn't be here.

 

 

Edit: The above sentence is referring to people coming here fresh from a breakup claiming their ex wants to be friends.

Edited July 18, 2013 by AllTooWell

[eachcomingnight]

In my particular situation, although my ex handled the break-up as respectfully as is possible, and (I believe) has shown a true desire to remain friends, I felt so strongly about him that I knew I would only prolong the process of moving on by keeping in touch with him. We did have several back-and-forth emails after the break-up and each and every time I recognized an ulterior motive hiding behind my seemingly friendly messages. I waited impatiently for his replies and scoured every email looking for some sign of recognition that he had made a mistake (and was somehow devastated every single time I failed to find one).

 

Would I have been able to let him go if I had kept in touch with him? Perhaps... but I am not so sure. I honestly think that continued contact would have always been in the hope that he might "come around", that this next reply might contain the answer I was waiting for - because I would never have given myself the time and space to realize that I could truly live a full life without him in it at all. Now that I realize this and believe it completely (nearly 4 months post-breakup), I am actually able to handle contact with him.

[lessica]

I agree that situations are all very different. It wasn't a good break up with the relationship I am referring to and I was devastated.

 

Are you saying people are unable to be objective and look at their actions and recognize that they are being needy, manipulative, too hopeful etc?

 

What I am saying is maybe it is worth encouraging people to be objective, and be reflexive, and examine there behavior. Rather than saying NC is the only way. Seems like a cop out to me.

[xilver]

If you both loved, and I guess it depends on the details of the break-up but say it just wasn't working, then I think it's sad to just bail on someone and go all out NC. Why not work with each other during that difficult time? Sure things might not be the same but you can still chat every now and then. Tell them you can't keep in contact if it is too difficult but if you feel you can you would like to talk to them again. And after you heal there will likely be a time where you want to go out and date seriously again. I'd imagine they would fall way back into the distance during that time and maybe move on completely but at least you both have that mutual respect like you said, and if paths ever did cross again you would be genuinely happy to see them.

[lessica]

In my particular situation, although my ex handled the break-up as respectfully as is possible, and (I believe) has shown a true desire to remain friends, I felt so strongly about him that I knew I would only prolong the process of moving on by keeping in touch with him. We did have several back-and-forth emails after the break-up and each and every time I recognized an ulterior motive hiding behind my seemingly friendly messages. I waited impatiently for his replies and scoured every email looking for some sign of recognition that he had made a mistake (and was somehow devastated every single time I failed to find one).

 

Would I have been able to let him go if I had kept in touch with him? Perhaps... but I am not so sure. I honestly think that continued contact would have always been in the hope that he might "come around", that this next reply might contain the answer I was waiting for - because I would never have given myself the time and space to realize that I could truly live a full life without him in it at all. Now that I realize this and believe it completely (nearly 4 months post-breakup), I am actually able to handle contact with him.

 

It looks like I am underestimating the power of emotion. I guess if we all had therapists guiding as through being in contact we could cope better.

 

I think you are right, and that sometimes people aren't emotionally able to move on while in contact. I still think it would be highly beneficial if they could manage it..

 

In the case that someone wanted to get their ex back I feel like being in contact, keeping the connection, but constantly questioning and reevaluating oneself would end in a better chance.

[lessica]

If you both loved, and I guess it depends on the details of the break-up but say it just wasn't working, then I think it's sad to just bail on someone and go all out NC. Why not work with each other during that difficult time? Sure things might not be the same but you can still chat every now and then. Tell them you can't keep in contact if it is too difficult but if you feel you can you would like to talk to them again. And after you heal there will likely be a time where you want to go out and date seriously again. I'd imagine they would fall way back into the distance during that time and maybe move on completely but at least you both have that mutual respect like you said, and if paths ever did cross again you would be genuinely happy to see them.

 

This is exactly my point. If I was the dumper, and I said I needed space, or wanted to work on myself, or it obviously wasn't working, and then the person I left cut me out completely, I wouldn't be impressed. I would find it childish. And would be saddened. But it certainly would NEVER make me crawl back begging for a second chance. I would miss them more yes, but I would be soothed by the fact they were willing to cut me out of their lives instead of be mature about it.

[xilver]

This is exactly my point. If I was the dumper, and I said I needed space, or wanted to work on myself, or it obviously wasn't working, and then the person I left cut me out completely, I wouldn't be impressed. I would find it childish. And would be saddened. But it certainly would NEVER make me crawl back begging for a second chance. I would miss them more yes, but I would be soothed by the fact they were willing to cut me out of their lives instead of be mature about it.

 

It really does make sense to bring this up. I think maturity of both and trusting each other play a big part in continuing any type of rel after the break-up. Regardless of what you do it's going to hurt. I think if you care about the person at least tell them you can't talk to them and be honest. It won't hurt any more to be the bigger person and show someone you care one last time. I also don't think that is the type of thing you would regret doing later in life either.

[lessica]

It really does make sense to bring this up. I think maturity of both and trusting each other play a big part in continuing any type of rel after the break-up. Regardless of what you do it's going to hurt. I think if you care about the person at least tell them you can't talk to them and be honest. It won't hurt any more to be the bigger person and show someone you care one last time. I also don't think that is the type of thing you would regret doing later in life either.

 

 

I completely agree.

 

I think for my most recent ex there was a little co-dependency/enabling going on. Where is he came to me for help it became detrimental to him/me. There is a situation where being in contact is not helpful for anyone.

 

But that is a whole different kettle of fish. I don't think I would even flat out ignore someone if they cheated on me tbh.

[AllTooWell]

I think that as a dumper I have ALWAYS understood when my exes have stopped contacting me. Because they are trying to heal. I have never breadcrumbed someone, either, for exactly that reason. Because I know how it feels.

 

My ex knows right now that that's why I am not contacting him. Because I want to heal. There is nothing childish about having your heartbroken and putting yourself first. If this person really wanted to be your friend and cared about you they would give you the time you needed to recover. If that person has an OUNCE of compassion then they will understand why you are going no contact on them. The only people who throw tantrums about it are the ones who are immature and want you around to boost their ego.

 

 

I think that that's something people don't really realize. Going NC isn't about hating your ex, it isn't about being mean, it isn't about being a jerk, it isn't about getting revenge or getting even. It is about removing yourself from a situation that is making you upset, and healing.

[lessica]

I think that as a dumper I have ALWAYS understood when my exes have stopped contacting me. Because they are trying to heal. I have never breadcrumbed someone, either, for exactly that reason. Because I know how it feels.

 

My ex knows right now that that's why I am not contacting him. Because I want to heal. There is nothing childish about having your heartbroken and putting yourself first. If this person really wanted to be your friend and cared about you they would give you the time you needed to recover. If that person has an OUNCE of compassion then they will understand why you are going no contact on them. The only people who throw tantrums about it are the ones who are immature and want you around to boost their ego.

 

 

I think that that's something people don't really realize. Going NC isn't about hating your ex, it isn't about being mean, it isn't about being a jerk, it isn't about getting revenge or getting even. It is about removing yourself from a situation that is making you upset, and healing.

 

 

Good point. I think a lot of people fail to look at it in the way it is intended though.

 

I think most peoples first response to being ignored would be a lot different to "they are trying to heal". Most of our partners would never come onto a site like this to work it out. That isn't lack of compassion, that is just not understanding the purpose. We often don't realize how much we have hurt someone..

 

Can you not put yourself first an maintain a friendship? Can you not deal with heartbreak while still remaining close to someone?

[xilver]

I think that as a dumper I have ALWAYS understood when my exes have stopped contacting me. Because they are trying to heal. I have never breadcrumbed someone, either, for exactly that reason. Because I know how it feels.

 

My ex knows right now that that's why I am not contacting him. Because I want to heal. There is nothing childish about having your heartbroken and putting yourself first. If this person really wanted to be your friend and cared about you they would give you the time you needed to recover. If that person has an OUNCE of compassion then they will understand why you are going no contact on them. The only people who throw tantrums about it are the ones who are immature and want you around to boost their ego.

 

 

I think that that's something people don't really realize. Going NC isn't about hating your ex, it isn't about being mean, it isn't about being a jerk, it isn't about getting revenge or getting even. It is about removing yourself from a situation that is making you upset, and healing.

 

And that is fine. Nobody is saying not to do that. Just tell them you're doing that that's all. And if they try to contact you out of the blue respond. Why is that so hard? If you still don't want to talk to them then tell them that. You already saw the message so I don't see how it will hurt anything to be civil with them and reply. People need to communicate to understand. They don't just know why you are NC. They are probably thinking you are having a great time, have moved on and don't care about them anymore. It's not to boost their ego it's to keep a certain level of dignity and respect between the two of you. Sure it's about healing but what does that say about you? 100% all me! Okay sure if you need that, but maybe 95% combined with a better conscious could do the trick a little better. It really is a situation thing and I think to blatantly suggest gestapo style NC to heal for every breakup is a bit reckless.

[AllTooWell]

Good point. I think a lot of people fail to look at it in the way it is intended though.

 

I think most peoples first response to being ignored would be a lot different to "they are trying to heal". Most of our partners would never come onto a site like this to work it out. That isn't lack of compassion, that is just not understanding the purpose. We often don't realize how much we have hurt someone..

 

Can you not put yourself first an maintain a friendship? Can you not deal with heartbreak while still remaining close to someone?

 

 

I think if you dump someone it's pretty gutless to wonder why they're ignoring you...

That being said, I am all for making it clear and laying it out there. I told my ex "I can't continue to be in contact with you because it is hurting me. We can't be just friends right now because I still have feelings for you. I would appreciate it if you would respect this and stop trying to contact me. I wish you the best and I am not doing this to hurt you. Take care."

 

But most people have, effectively, said something like that by the time they implement NC. They HAVE made it clear they wanted to get back. They have begged, they have pleaded. And the ex has ignored and refused. So then they go dark. The ex has full knowledge that they are disappearing because they have been rejected.

No, I can't. That's why I'm not. I tried to, and it didn't work.

 

The thing is that in almost EVERY THREAD posted here by a dumpee, they DID try to be friends with the person. They tried, and it was awful, it made them miserable, and they were still in love with them. It takes a lot to be able to push your feelings to the side and be friends with someone. And sometimes it's a lot more healthy to just let go and stop hurting each other.

 

Cause the thing is not only was I hurting myself by trying to be friends with him, but I was also hurting him. And I loved him enough that I would sacrifice our friendship in order to let both of us calm down and heal.

 

When you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go.

 

 

I also don't see the "rush" in friendship. I think after a breakup you rush into a friendship with them because you crave the comfort they provide. If a few months from the breakup (or longer) you desire to be friends and nothing more, then reach out.

 

 

Yes in some cases you can jump right into friendship. Some. But not all. And I think it's much safer to advise people to take a step back and collect themselves, heal, and then approach for friendship then "oh just stick it out! Pretend your heart isn't breaking and go to sleep crying every night!"

[AllTooWell]

And that is fine. Nobody is saying not to do that. Just tell them you're doing that that's all. And if they try to contact you out of the blue respond. Why is that so hard? If you still don't want to talk to them then tell them that. You already saw the message so I don't see how it will hurt anything to be civil with them and reply. People need to communicate to understand. They don't just know why you are NC. They are probably thinking you are having a great time, have moved on and don't care about them anymore. It's not to boost their ego it's to keep a certain level of dignity and respect between the two of you. Sure it's about healing but what does that say about you? 100% all me! Okay sure if you need that, but maybe 95% combined with a better conscious could do the trick a little better. It really is a situation thing and I think to blatantly suggest gestapo style NC to heal for every breakup is a bit reckless.

 

 

1. I never said not to tell them you were going NC.

2. They have dumped you and really, as I say above it's pretty gutless to expect someone you dump to do exactly what you want. Oh you want to be friends? That's great, they wanted to be with you forever. Guess sometimes you don't get what you want.

3. When you tell them you're going NC, you often make it clear why. I know I did. Most people also don't just go NC the day they're dumped. Usually there is a period of upset and begging. The ex knows you wanted them back, you were heartbroken and completely shook over them. Were you supposed to stay that way forever? Eventually you've got to try and heal...when they contact you "oh so you're over me now?" what are you supposed to say "no sorry I cry myself to sleep every night, I miss you, and I dream about you. But I know you don't want me back. So instead of saying all of this I'M NOT GOING TO REPLY BECAUSE REPLYING only causes fights. Talking to your ex a lot of the time will just cause insecurities and lies. You won't really tell them how you feel and vice versa, BECAUSE there are so many emotions involved it's hard to see clearly.

4. In a lot of cases the ex isn't thinking about you AT ALL anymore. In a lot of cases, when they text you it IS BREADCRUMBS seeking an ego boost. Sometimes you don't even REALIZE when you are breadcrumbing people.

 

 

Do you understand how many exs have sent to the people they dumped "I miss you" "I love you" "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"

I got that, multiple times, and you know what else I got, every time I replied "BUT I STILL DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU"

 

So yeah, actually, replying does hurt, because what can I reply to "I miss you" that won't hurt me? I say I miss you too, I boost his ego because the fact is I missed him enough to want him back but he doesn't miss me enough to want me back. Same thing with every other example.

 

Replying makes you vulnerable, and until you can honestly reply WITHOUT expectations or underlying motives/emotions, you aren't ready to be replying!

 

Life is 100% about you. This person dumped you... you are no longer with them. Your job isn't to ease them out of the breakup that was THEIR DECISION. Your job is to take care of you, and do what's best for you, and a LOT of times that is to go no contact.

 

 

I am NOT saying every one should go NC, but I am saying that in a lot of cases it is the best option to heal you quickly.

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: What usually happens when people enter LC after a breakup is that the dumper gets all the perks of the relationship (feeling cared for, feeling loved, knowing that the dumpee is still hung up on them, the emotional support) while getting to ease into being single. Then eventually, they don't NEED the dumpee anymore. The dumpee has been trying to appease the dumper during this time, answering and responding, being friendly, being nice, offering support and unconditional love in the hope that the dumper will realize they have made a mistake.

Edited July 18, 2013 by AllTooWell

[lord-christoph]

no way in hell would I be friends with my ex, at least not for a good long time. I am still way too in love with her to want her to be anything other than my lover and companion. To see her any other way would be torture.

 

however, I did have an ex that I did become friends with, possibly because we didn't get sexual. It wasn't weird, at least not to me, but the breakup was also rather mutual.

[xilver]

1. I never said not to tell them you were going NC.

2. They have dumped you and really, as I say above it's pretty gutless to expect someone you dump to do exactly what you want. Oh you want to be friends? That's great, they wanted to be with you forever. Guess sometimes you don't get what you want.

3. When you tell them you're going NC, you often make it clear why. I know I did. Most people also don't just go NC the day they're dumped. Usually there is a period of upset and begging. The ex knows you wanted them back, you were heartbroken and completely shook over them. Were you supposed to stay that way forever? Eventually you've got to try and heal...when they contact you "oh so you're over me now?" what are you supposed to say "no sorry I cry myself to sleep every night, I miss you, and I dream about you. But I know you don't want me back. So instead of saying all of this I'M NOT GOING TO REPLY BECAUSE REPLYING only causes fights. Talking to your ex a lot of the time will just cause insecurities and lies. You won't really tell them how you feel and vice versa, BECAUSE there are so many emotions involved it's hard to see clearly.

4. In a lot of cases the ex isn't thinking about you AT ALL anymore. In a lot of cases, when they text you it IS BREADCRUMBS seeking an ego boost. Sometimes you don't even REALIZE when you are breadcrumbing people.

 

 

Do you understand how many exs have sent to the people they dumped "I miss you" "I love you" "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"

I got that, multiple times, and you know what else I got, every time I replied "BUT I STILL DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU"

 

So yeah, actually, replying does hurt, because what can I reply to "I miss you" that won't hurt me? I say I miss you too, I boost his ego because the fact is I missed him enough to want him back but he doesn't miss me enough to want me back. Same thing with every other example.

 

Replying makes you vulnerable, and until you can honestly reply WITHOUT expectations or underlying motives/emotions, you aren't ready to be replying!

 

Life is 100% about you. This person dumped you... you are no longer with them. Your job isn't to ease them out of the breakup that was THEIR DECISION. Your job is to take care of you, and do what's best for you, and a LOT of times that is to go no contact.

 

 

I am NOT saying every one should go NC, but I am saying that in a lot of cases it is the best option to heal you quickly.

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: What usually happens when people enter LC after a breakup is that the dumper gets all the perks of the relationship (feeling cared for, feeling loved, knowing that the dumpee is still hung up on them, the emotional support) while getting to ease into being single. Then eventually, they don't NEED the dumpee anymore. The dumpee has been trying to appease the dumper during this time, answering and responding, being friendly, being nice, offering support and unconditional love in the hope that the dumper will realize they have made a mistake.

 

Why do you have to expect them to do what you want? All I said was let them know communicate. Hey if they don't communicate back that is on them. If they ever want to then they know you reached out to them. No expectation.

 

If your ex texts and you are that much of a wreck then I think you should just be honest and keep it short. I just don't get the ignoring thing it doesn't make sense to me. I'm sure they really do miss them, love them and don't want them back. At least they are being honest and not ignoring. Vulnerable is such a good thing. Did you know that people who allow themselves to be vulnerable are much happier people? The dumpee doesn't have to do any of that. Like I said the two people have to have a genuine interest in maintaining a certain relationship. People can compromise and find something that works for them. I think often though just going nc is the easiest route. You don't have to deal with anyone. But as I look back I would also say it is the most unhealthy way to go and less fulfilling.

[AllTooWell]

Why do you have to expect them to do what you want? All I said was let them know communicate. Hey if they don't communicate back that is on them. If they ever want to then they know you reached out to them. No expectation.

 

If your ex texts and you are that much of a wreck then I think you should just be honest and keep it short. I just don't get the ignoring thing it doesn't make sense to me. I'm sure they really do miss them, love them and don't want them back. At least they are being honest and not ignoring. Vulnerable is such a good thing. Did you know that people who allow themselves to be vulnerable are much happier people? The dumpee doesn't have to do any of that. Like I said the two people have to have a genuine interest in maintaining a certain relationship. People can compromise and find something that works for them. I think often though just going nc is the easiest route. You don't have to deal with anyone. But as I look back I would also say it is the most unhealthy way to go and less fulfilling.

 

 

I agree in the sense that yes having a friendship with someone is more fulfilling than having no relationship.

 

But the two people have to put in a genuine and honest effort and in a lot of cases that just doesn't happen.

[lessica]

1. I never said not to tell them you were going NC.

2. They have dumped you and really, as I say above it's pretty gutless to expect someone you dump to do exactly what you want. Oh you want to be friends? That's great, they wanted to be with you forever. Guess sometimes you don't get what you want.

3. When you tell them you're going NC, you often make it clear why. I know I did. Most people also don't just go NC the day they're dumped. Usually there is a period of upset and begging. The ex knows you wanted them back, you were heartbroken and completely shook over them. Were you supposed to stay that way forever? Eventually you've got to try and heal...when they contact you "oh so you're over me now?" what are you supposed to say "no sorry I cry myself to sleep every night, I miss you, and I dream about you. But I know you don't want me back. So instead of saying all of this I'M NOT GOING TO REPLY BECAUSE REPLYING only causes fights. Talking to your ex a lot of the time will just cause insecurities and lies. You won't really tell them how you feel and vice versa, BECAUSE there are so many emotions involved it's hard to see clearly.

4. In a lot of cases the ex isn't thinking about you AT ALL anymore. In a lot of cases, when they text you it IS BREADCRUMBS seeking an ego boost. Sometimes you don't even REALIZE when you are breadcrumbing people.

 

 

Do you understand how many exs have sent to the people they dumped "I miss you" "I love you" "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me"

I got that, multiple times, and you know what else I got, every time I replied "BUT I STILL DON'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU"

 

So yeah, actually, replying does hurt, because what can I reply to "I miss you" that won't hurt me? I say I miss you too, I boost his ego because the fact is I missed him enough to want him back but he doesn't miss me enough to want me back. Same thing with every other example.

 

Replying makes you vulnerable, and until you can honestly reply WITHOUT expectations or underlying motives/emotions, you aren't ready to be replying!

 

Life is 100% about you. This person dumped you... you are no longer with them. Your job isn't to ease them out of the breakup that was THEIR DECISION. Your job is to take care of you, and do what's best for you, and a LOT of times that is to go no contact.

 

 

I am NOT saying every one should go NC, but I am saying that in a lot of cases it is the best option to heal you quickly.

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: What usually happens when people enter LC after a breakup is that the dumper gets all the perks of the relationship (feeling cared for, feeling loved, knowing that the dumpee is still hung up on them, the emotional support) while getting to ease into being single. Then eventually, they don't NEED the dumpee anymore. The dumpee has been trying to appease the dumper during this time, answering and responding, being friendly, being nice, offering support and unconditional love in the hope that the dumper will realize they have made a mistake.

 

In response to NO.2 People have reasons for dumping you, why is that if someone dumped you that you should hold it against them? It is free will, we should accept peoples decisions without taking it personally or resenting them for it. That is just pathetic and immature. The dumpee should realize THEY don't get everything THEY want, and perhaps accept that rather than shutting people out.

 

In response to NO.3 People should be mature enough to have a conversation without being bitter and starting fights. The insecurities are caused by the dumpee, and actually, this is just another big sign of immaturity and lack of objectivity. It doesn't need to be either 'cry over someone' or 'ignore them'. Nothing in life is like that, people aren't fixed, they move.

 

In response to NO.4 I think the majority of us, if we were the dumper, would act exactly the same. Are we not allowed to miss people but not want a relationship? Are we not allowed to do other things without it being all about the dumpee?

 

Can we not love and miss someone and not want to be with them? This, in my opinion, is selfish and childish on the dumpees part, because it has to be their way or NC. If the dumpee would look at the situation outside of their wants and desires a very different picture would be painted. But people don't do this, because people are selfish.

 

It is the fact that people cannot handle the emotional turmoil of being dumped that is the reason people don't remain friends. And I disagree, I think only terrible people go around thinking "Life is 100% about me", the fact that you can make that statement I find disturbing.

 

How about accept that the other person is free to have wants and desires, just as you are. Suck it up, handle it, heal, and be a decent human being in the process (ie don't hold someones freedom against them).

 

To be quite honest, I believe that the thinking you have outlined above is why a lot of relationships fall apart- it is all me me me, and i'll treat you well as long as you stay with me for ever. What a joke.

[AllTooWell]

In response to NO.2 People have reasons for dumping you, why is that if someone dumped you that you should hold it against them? It is free will, we should accept peoples decisions without taking it personally or resenting them for it. That is just pathetic and immature. The dumpee should realize THEY don't get everything THEY want, and perhaps accept that rather than shutting people out.

 

In response to NO.3 People should be mature enough to have a conversation without being bitter and starting fights. The insecurities are caused by the dumpee, and actually, this is just another big sign of immaturity and lack of objectivity. It doesn't need to be either 'cry over someone' or 'ignore them'. Nothing in life is like that, people aren't fixed, they move.

 

In response to NO.4 I think the majority of us, if we were the dumper, would act exactly the same. Are we not allowed to miss people but not want a relationship? Are we not allowed to do other things without it being all about the dumpee?

 

Can we not love and miss someone and not want to be with them? This, in my opinion, is selfish and childish on the dumpees part, because it has to be their way or NC. If the dumpee would look at the situation outside of their wants and desires a very different picture would be painted. But people don't do this, because people are selfish.

 

It is the fact that people cannot handle the emotional turmoil of being dumped that is the reason people don't remain friends. And I disagree, I think only terrible people go around thinking "Life is 100% about me", the fact that you can make that statement I find disturbing.

 

How about accept that the other person is free to have wants and desires, just as you are. Suck it up, handle it, heal, and be a decent human being in the process (ie don't hold someones freedom against them).

 

To be quite honest, I believe that the thinking you have outlined above is why a lot of relationships fall apart- it is all me me me, and i'll treat you well as long as you stay with me for ever. What a joke.

 

 

I just wanna clarify some things here.

 

I don't think that the world revolves around me. I don't think your life, or my neighbors life, or my parents lives revolve around me. I don't think that my life REVOLVES around me. But what I mean is that in your life, what you do effects YOU 100%. All decisions you make, YOU face the consequences for. YOU choose whether you are happy or not. At the end of the day, the only person in life who you will have from the day you are born until the day you die, is yourself, and YOUR happiness IS the most important thing.

 

In a relationship your happiness SHOULD STILL BE more important than THEIR happiness. When you put someone else's health and happiness ahead of your own, you are sacrificing your own health and well-being. Obviously there are specific situations where it is important to be completely disengaged and supportive of your SO but you cannot sacrifice your own happiness in order to make someone else happy. It leads down a really bad path.

 

 

When someone is dumped they realize they don't get everything they want. I'm not saying you should hold it against them and I don't villianize or try to villianize dumpers whatsoever. You don't need to resent what happened, but you need to accept it. It's not about shutting people out, either. A lot of people don't go out on dates looking for friends. They may genuinely have no interest in having that person as a friend. There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be friends with someone you broke up with or someone who broke up with you. Ultimately it is your choice and just like you shouldn't be villianized for dumping someone, you shouldn't be villainized for not wanting to be friends with someone either.

 

People SHOULD be mature about it but a lot of times they aren't and THAT is why they implement NC. Even if they are mature enough to have civil and polite conversation, it leaves them feeling upset because they don't WANT that friendship, they WANT a relationship. I don't think it's black and white and either you're together or you have no relationship whatsoever, I just think that it takes a lot of work to create that kind of friendship and that in most cases the people who visit these forums will not be able to treat their ex with the indifference and civility (and not feel like **** about it) without healing on their own first.

 

 

Of course you're allowed to miss people that you dump. But it's cruel to toy with someones emotions - and maybe some times they don't realize that that's what their doing. But it can be extremely hard for a person to receive breadcrumbs from someone they want to get back with (there's a new thread about it daily here, and you can see the pain they have)

 

 

I think it's selfish of the DUMPER to expect that the DUMPEE is going to immediately just say "oh okay, well yeah we can be friends. Let me hinder my own healing in order to start this friendship right off the bat."

 

 

If you cared about the person, wouldn't you be willing to wait and give them time to heal so that you could have a REAL friendship and not one where you walk on eggshells?

 

 

Obviously once again not everyone will feel the need to go NC on the ex, but for a lot of people it really does help them heal!

 

 

 

Edit: back to the whole me, me, me thing

 

 

I don't mean to sound like I am being self-centered or that I think people should be selfish. But I think people need to have a strong sense of who they are, their independence, and their self in order to be able to have a healthy relationship in which they can make their own decisions. Obviously the happiness of your significant other is SO important, and I'm not saying not to sacrifice the small things. Yes, if he likes having spaghetti with meatsauce and you really wanted to have ribs, it's not a big deal if you have spaghetti to make him happy.

 

I'm talking about HUGE life changing decisions about your happiness that you don't properly deal with because you are scared to upset other people.

Edited July 18, 2013 by AllTooWell

[ggas]

"It is free will... The dumpee should realize THEY don't get everything THEY want, and perhaps accept that rather than shutting people out." Really? So doesn't the dumpee also benefit from the free will thing when he/she initiates NC? Usually EXs that go away decide to do so because they want to improve their own life. Why doesn't the dumpee deserve to do the same? What is so immature about that? Actually my recent EX messaged me on FB a week ago to ask why am I not feeling the need to talk to her. I replied "because you would only reply when it suits you". EXs that keep want to continue "friendships" or "contact" when the dumpee is not completely over them are just plain mean or have no consideration for the dumpee's feelings. Don't get me wrong, if my ex messages me I will probably answer but that is because I think it just shows weakness if I don't, but I hardly EVER initiate contact. Maybe a link to something funny or something about some conference that's all. That being sad, just be happy and do whatever you must to heal yourself. The dumper should be nr. 2 in this equation. You were certainly nr. 2 when they left. Just keep strong!

[AllTooWell]

"It is free will... The dumpee should realize THEY don't get everything THEY want, and perhaps accept that rather than shutting people out." Really? So doesn't the dumpee also benefit from the free will thing when he/she initiates NC? Usually EXs that go away decide to do so because they want to improve their own life. Why doesn't the dumpee deserve to do the same? What is so immature about that? Actually my recent EX messaged me on FB a week ago to ask why am I not feeling the need to talk to her. I replied "because you would only reply when it suits you". EXs that keep want to continue "friendships" or "contact" when the dumpee is not completely over them are just plain mean or have no consideration for the dumpee's feelings. Don't get me wrong, if my ex messages me I will probably answer but that is because I think it just shows weakness if I don't, but I hardly EVER initiate contact. Maybe a link to something funny or something about some conference that's all. That being sad, just be happy and do whatever you must to heal yourself. The dumper should be nr. 2 in this equation. You were certainly nr. 2 when they left. Just keep strong!

 

 

 

To add to this, a lot of times the dumper really has no true intention of creating a friendship. I've seen people who have been dumped and genuinely tried to maintain contact in order to establish a friendship that the dumper requested, only to be ignored etc and feel like they are just annoying them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So to restate my whole point, yes it can work but only when both people really want to have that friendship and are willing to work on it together. Whether that be immediately after the breakup or after a period of limited contact/no contact. Both people need to want the friendship, JUST LIKE both people would need to want a relationship for that to work.

[aloneinaz]

As a dumpee, we don't owe the dumper crap once they tell us they are done. They all but told us they don't want us in their lives anymore and want to find someone else. At that point, why on earth would I want to "be friends" with someone who rejected me at any level? I simply can't wrap my brain around that.

 

I truly believe that dumpee's have much more power and control after being dumped than we realize. Having the self respect, confidence and self esteem to immediately disappear from the dumpers life and move on with their life makes a strong statement to the dumper. It creates doubt in their mind even if they don't want to get back together. It says to them, ok, you made your decision and I'll live with it. I'll find someone else.

We don't owe the dumper crap. We don't owe them a response to a text, email or phone call. This is our power. You made the decision dumper, live with it. I have a tremendous amount of respect for several people I know that got dumped and would never talk to the dumper again nor would they consider reconciliation.

 

I think getting to a friendly stage is possible only after years have passed. I'm friendly with a couple of old girl friends on Facebook. I dumped both of them in a nice manner and they moved on w/their lifes and its fun to chit chat with them occasionally.

[lessica]

I am sorry, but I don't think any of this is reasonable or rational, I think it is emotion fueled bull****. And people should be decent and rise above it.

 

I understood that I would get some disagreement on this site, as I am aware that my thoughts are in conflict with the main info passed around.

 

There are ALOT of assumptions with the theories passed around.

[AllTooWell]

I do not see the issue at all.

 

 

If you don't want to be friends with your ex, you don't have to be.

 

If you do, go ahead and be friends.

 

If you don't want to talk to someone because you know it will hurt you emotionally, why should you have to?

 

If talking to them makes you happy, then continue to do it!

 

 

It is about doing what makes YOU happy and what makes YOU feel good! The reason why I, and others, are in a NC situation with our exes is because communicating about them made us feel bad about ourselves. It's not selfish, it's not rude, it's not manipulative or mean.

 

 

It's self-love. It's taking care of yourself.

[lessica]

I do not see the issue at all.

 

 

If you don't want to be friends with your ex, you don't have to be.

 

If you do, go ahead and be friends.

 

If you don't want to talk to someone because you know it will hurt you emotionally, why should you have to?

 

If talking to them makes you happy, then continue to do it!

 

 

It is about doing what makes YOU happy and what makes YOU feel good! The reason why I, and others, are in a NC situation with our exes is because communicating about them made us feel bad about ourselves. It's not selfish, it's not rude, it's not manipulative or mean.

 

 

It's self-love. It's taking care of yourself.

 

I am saying it may be beneficial to tough it out to achieve a level of personal growth, if the was the ultimate desire. I think it should be.