Should I believe him when he says he needs time?

[dianne87]

I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He's 33, I'm a few years younger. Our relationship has been great. I thought I had loved before, but when we got together I realized what true love really was... I know, sappy. We don't live with each other, but I stay over at his place frequently, and help him clean and cook. Not to say everything was perfect.

 

We did argue from time to time, but lately we are getting along a lot better. He has a great career and is extremely independent. I work full-time and wake up everyday at 5 am and work for 10 hours. Needless to say, we are both stressed at times. He gets overwhelmed easily, stressed out from him job and owing money on loans, and he is also very sensitive. Lately, when he gets mad or frustrated he throws things or punches something. He has never touched or threatened me, but I do get very upset.

 

He always apologizes and ends up embarrassed later on by his outbursts. This is not the same guy I started dating. Something switched where he becomes very depressed and nothing will make him happy. He'll sleep it off and usually he will be fine by morning. This has been going on like this for about 2 or 3 months. Last Friday we were about to go on a date, but before we left we had a minor argument.

 

It started when I asked if I could get a kiss, and he got very upset and stomped up he stairs saying that nothing he did was good enough, and that when he first saw me he gave me a long hug and why was that not good enough for me? Why did I have to be so hard on him? By the way, I hadn't seen him in 3 days when I asked him this.

 

I was excited to see him and he just seemed stressed out. Before we were about to walk out to go to dinner I asked him to talk to me. Big mistake. I asked him a few questions and before I knew it he was telling me that he couldn't do this anymore. That he was so unhappy lately, and he didn't know why. That he is usually happy and that he knows he isn't being the best boyfriend to me. I obviously tried to talk him out of it but he said that his mind was made up.

 

I eventually decided it was time to leave, I packed up my things (not all, he said I could come get it later) and left. I didn't text or call him. The next day he texted me that he loved me and missed me. I told him to give me time away from him. The next day after that he told me that he loves me again. I gave in and ended up having a conversation on this day and he basically said that he didn't regret his decision to break off the relationship because he wants to find himself and be happy. He wants to do things around his house that he had put off and take a trip alone and reflect. He wants to be happy with me but he is not sure if he is ready. He doesn't want to get back with me unless he sees a clear future. Like marriage.

 

He keeps saying how much he loves me but he just needs time away. He says he wants to treat me that way I deserve to be treated and that he is upset he hasn't been the guy he should be lately. He hasn't changed his facebook status (i know, lame considering we are adults) and he has not told any members of his family.

 

I need some perspective, perhaps a male perspective, what is he doing? It's been 5 days now. How long should I wait? Should i go out on dates? (not that I want to, but maybe it will help move me along in the healing process) I have decided that calling him isn't working, and it ends up confusing me even more. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!

Edited July 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[bluegreen]

Anger issues inability to cope with stress and problems not willing to commit easy to criticize you wants space did I miss anything ?

Honey this guy can not even handle himself much less you and relationship give him exactly what he wants space but permanent one.

Now its your time to date have fun laugh enjoy relationship not fear when next punch in a wall will happen insult would start they go hand in hand with it and finally having both drop on you.

 

 

 

 

You will love again I assure you but what you might loose now it will be very hard to recover "yourself"

[aloneinaz]

As I guy, I'd tell you he is having doubts or has lost interest in you or the relationship. It sounds like he's emotionally unstable. What you wrote, my ex GF did as well. She didn't handle stress, or being overwhelmed and being annoyed at all. She'd turn into super bitch only to apologize later or the next day. I know she's emotionally unstable and she's someone elses problem now.

 

As for you, you need to only worry about you. You need to get the rest of your stuff (maybe a friend could collect it for you) and disappear from that guys life. Go NC and move on. He's not going to change and if do reconcile, you'll be on egg shells for when he'll pull this same crap again. My ex broke up with me three times and I stupidly went back for more. The third time was it. She'll never hear from me again.

 

To your question about dating, hell yea! He told you he didn't want you in his life so why should you sit home mooning over him? Go out and have fun.

[Jenny1234]

Sounds very similar to what my ex did. He was acting depressed about everything and eventually put me in the column that was adding to his stress. Except my ex just walked away cold turkey...while crying and saying he loved me and I deserved better. And he wishes he could be anything like me and have his life in order. And he couldn't take care of me anymore much less himself. Fast forward 2.5 months and he never came running back to me even though I've spent my time hoping and texting him like a friend. Which this did nothing but hold me back. Now I'm back no contacting him and trying to move on.

 

Be happy you are 26 and he is 33. You have many years ahead of you. Move on and find someone who can treat you how you deserve to be treated. Walk! Don't waste your time. I know it's a lot easier said than done

 

Good luck and stay strong

Edited July 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bluegreen]

As I guy, I'd tell you he is having doubts or has lost interest in you or the relationship. It sounds like he's emotionally unstable. What you wrote, my ex GF did as well. She didn't handle stress, or being overwhelmed and being annoyed at all. She'd turn into super bitch only to apologize later or the next day. I know she's emotionally unstable and she's someone elses problem now.

 

As for you, you need to only worry about you. You need to get the rest of your stuff (maybe a friend could collect it for you) and disappear from that guys life. Go NC and move on. He's not going to change and if do reconcile, you'll be on egg shells for when he'll pull this same crap again. My ex broke up with me three times and I stupidly went back for more. The third time was it. She'll never hear from me again.

 

To your question about dating, hell yea! He told you he didn't want you in his life so why should you sit home mooning over him? Go out and have fun.

 

 

Alone am glad you answered her and my gut feeling was right.

Yes he is emotionally unstable and its real pain in chest waiting for next moment when "animal" in them will growl snarl or jump and draw blood then in next hour or even minutes its 360 all around.

You start doubting yourself thinking DID I IMAGINE THIS ?

 

Hopefully she will listen and RUN not look back broken hearts do heal

Broken bodies and minds don't ...

[xilver]

It's only been 5 days. The main thing that concerns me about him is the sudden change in behavior. Also how did you ask for a kiss? Guys can be sensitive if they aren't feeling good about themselves. The fact that he sought you out twice in 5 days would be enough for me. It has been 3 weeks since i talked to mine and I barely sent her a mssg telling her i miss her today. I don't know how he is but I can be aloof a lot of the time and that behavior caused me probs. Why don't you talk to me? kiss me? you don't like me are all things I heard. The fact is there were other problems. Things she did that bothered me and kept me from having that close feeling with her. Maybe he thought about a fight you had or something you did to him that he never told you or doesn't know how to tell you about. Because in my case I really do love this girl but from the outside looking in you would probably never guess it. In your case he even told you that he realizes what he is doing. He feels bad and that is why he's pulling back. He would rather see you happy than to have to go through this bout with him. I doubt he is dating and if he is it is only to take his mind off of you. The comparisons that come up, time, effort and money involved in dating sometimes isn't worth it. And if you still love that person it only makes you want to be with them more. Date if you want but if he finds out and he still loves you that will likely be the nail in the coffin.

 

I'd suggest you write stuff out. Brainstorm a little and see what you come up with. What could you possibly be doing to restrict him while he is around you? Ultimately he will have to communicate it to you. It is much easier to get him to tell you what is really bothering him if you can just concentrate on having a good time with him. Don't force anything. Just go with the flow and have fun. See where the night or day takes you. Be affectionate, initiate a kiss next time, you know, warm him up. He'll be singing like a canary and then you'll know what's up.

Edited July 18, 2013 by xilver

[lessica]

We tend to get bitter when we don't get the response we are looking for-- don't feel bad about this kiss thing. It is a good thing that you have acknowledge it.

 

I think people in general go hot and cold. Not many people feel no pressure at some point in a relationship- and we naturally want space when we feel it. Some people do have issues dealing with how they feel. Especially those with depression. It is important not to hold that against them.

 

I don't believe it is 100% that someone wanting space means they don't love or respect you.

 

And I am starting to think that people who never want space are simply infatuated/addicted to/put their partners on a pedestal.

 

I don't like hearing people say "they want space=they don't love you". I think that is a ridiculous assumption.

 

People are free agents, and yeah sure we shouldn't let ourselves be treated like doormats, but at the same time we shouldn't hold it against people for asking for what they want/feel they need.

[bluegreen]

He gets overwhelmed easily, stressed out from him job and owing money on loans, and he is also very sensitive. Lately, when he gets mad or frustrated he throws things or punches something. He has never touched or threatened me, but I do get very upset. He always apologizes and ends up embarrassed later on by his outbursts. This is not the same guy I started dating. Something switched where he becomes very depressed and nothing will make him happy. He'll sleep it off and usually he will be fine by morning. This has been going on like this for about 2 or 3 months.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyone wanna read this part again?

[lessica]

He gets overwhelmed easily, stressed out from him job and owing money on loans, and he is also very sensitive. Lately, when he gets mad or frustrated he throws things or punches something. He has never touched or threatened me, but I do get very upset. He always apologizes and ends up embarrassed later on by his outbursts. This is not the same guy I started dating. Something switched where he becomes very depressed and nothing will make him happy. He'll sleep it off and usually he will be fine by morning. This has been going on like this for about 2 or 3 months.

 

 

 

 

 

Anyone wanna read this part again?

 

Don't know how I missed this. My brother has bipolar- from a young age this was symptomatic of him going into a manic state. Would I turn my back on my brother for punching things, and having out bursts? Never. Would I turn my back on a partner for this? Potentially, if it was dangerous, but no.

I only say this because it seems to me like this guy is struggling, I don't think the poster should take it personally and cut this guy out because of these things.

[bluegreen]

Am older then her by few years for first thing.

And for second am in healthcare care occupation semester away from AS degree plus have personal experience with this.

 

 

So yes I would say am allowed to say and advise her way I did.

It would be very difficult to go from one extreme to another right away and you know it doll but perhaps after a long while once he is "under" control yeah.

 

And thirdly I sincerely mean her well and this and all above makes me just qualified enough ...

[xilver]

No but she loves him right? She doesn't need to be qualified. It's been 5 days which is a drop in the bucket if they end up spending the rest of their lives together. She can be supportive, encourage him to see a doctor, and not jump to any rash conclusions. Note the "sudden" change in behavior. Maybe it could suddenly be changed back too. I don't know but it isn't like he is cheating on her , lying or abusing her. If she is in love then this would be a perfect time to show it. And if he can't be helped or doesn't love her than that will become more and more obvious as time goes on.

Edited July 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lessica]

Am older then her by few years for first thing.

And for second am in healthcare care occupation semester away from AS degree plus have personal experience with this.

 

 

So yes I would say am allowed to say and advise her way I did.

It would be very difficult to go from one extreme to another right away and you know it doll but perhaps after a long while once he is "under" control yeah.

 

And thirdly I sincerely mean her well and this and all above makes me just qualified enough ...

 

I mean her well also.

 

I have a law degree, am working on a soci MA, several papers were on critiquing healthcare systems at their macro level- and how systems translate negatively on a micro level. Objectivity please.

 

Compassion and empathy never go a miss. I am not saying long for this guy, or be with this guy, but see this situation for what it is. And try to be understanding.

[bluegreen]

And that's a part that am afraid of she is in love and love blinds us.

Guys am not trying to be cruel or separate them I choose path am on because am believing in making a difference helping others.

But come on punching walls getting angry one minute next forgetting about it how long before he punches her then crying how sorry he is?

 

Am not saying she should damn and condemn him just stay away until he receives help he needs would you honestly advise your own sister daughter or cousin staying close to guy that does that?

 

 

Last question is general

[xilver]

And that's a part that am afraid of she is in love and love blinds us.

Guys am not trying to be cruel or separate them I choose path am on because am believing in making a difference helping others.

But come on punching walls getting angry one minute next forgetting about it how long before he punches her then crying how sorry he is?

 

Am not saying she should damn and condemn him just stay away until he receives help he needs would you honestly advise your own sister daughter or cousin staying close to guy that does that?

 

 

Last question is general

 

Well if she feels like she can't trust him then of course she shouldn't put herself in that situation. Telling him that she is scared and is going to stay away until he goes to the doctor is sound advice. If he was otherwise a good guy and he was willing to seek help and I knew my sister loved this man then yes I'd tell her to take him to the doctor herself to get the diagnosis first hand.

[daftpunk]

He doesn't want to get back with me unless he sees a clear future. Like marriage.

 

Would it not be wiser to learn how to be in a regular relationship--and do it without projecting these insalubrious effects on his partner--before marriage?

[bluegreen]

Well if she feels like she can't trust him then of course she shouldn't put herself in that situation. Telling him that she is scared and is going to stay away until he goes to the doctor is sound advice. If he was otherwise a good guy and he was willing to seek help and I knew my sister loved this man then yes I'd tell her to take him to the doctor herself to get the diagnosis first hand.

 

 

Thank You

[lessica]

And that's a part that am afraid of she is in love and love blinds us.

Guys am not trying to be cruel or separate them I choose path am on because am believing in making a difference helping others.

But come on punching walls getting angry one minute next forgetting about it how long before he punches her then crying how sorry he is?

 

Am not saying she should damn and condemn him just stay away until he receives help he needs would you honestly advise your own sister daughter or cousin staying close to guy that does that?

 

 

Last question is general

 

I do think that is really important to point out. When abuse is potential then we should tread very carefully

[bluegreen]

I do think that is really important to point out. When abuse is potential then we should tread very carefully

 

 

 

 

This is where I was going whole time and I hope she is reading this ?

[dianne87]

Thank you for all of your fast replies, and I really appreciate your concern. I sometimes do get afraid of him. I struggle dealing with how this man I fell in love with, that makes me feel so beautiful can turn into such a monster. I've discussed this with my family and friends and most people say he sounds like a brat. When he doesn't get his way, or if I say something in an unintentionally rude way he will get angry. Just for example, we went on this awesome vacation together about 3 months ago and everything was going well. On one of the final days of our trip we stopped at this really grimy hotel. I thought it was gross and I said so. I offered to pay for another hotel or try to get a refund and go somewhere else. I didn't feel safe at this place. He got so mad. Yelling and telling me how ungrateful I was. I relented and said the hotel was fine and dropped it. We went to the rental car to go get food somewhere and out of nowhere before we left he punched the car. Left a huge dent in it. He is a pretty big guy. Very muscular. It scared me. He has punched his refrigerator, and he about broke his hand. He once threw food across his living room after he accidentally dropped his plate. He can be ridiculous. Honestly writing it out makes me realize how crazy he can be. Perhaps it's therapeutic. I still love him though even after his craziness. Just a few days before we broke up we were about to go to sleep and he looked at me and held my face and said I so beautiful and that he loved me. I don't understand that. In the past, when I am emotionally done with a relationship, I can't even stand to talk to them anymore, much less tell them how beautiful they are. I know I am not blameless in this situation. I want to be be good for him, maybe I'm just not. I am giving him his space, and letting him do what he needs. I just hope I am not burned in the end for waiting. And I really want to understand why he hasn't told any of his family or friends. I've told everyone in my life... He is very confusing. Still love him. Hope he can get it together because I'll stand by him through thick and thin.

[dianne87]

One more thing, he said that when he was younger he had anger issues and that he feels like he did when he was 18. He said he is feeling those same feelings lately and doesn't know why. He wants to figure it out. And be happy. He feels like he is in a transition period in his life. I will also point out that he just bought a new house recently and has only been in this city for a few years.

 

On a final note, when I spoke with his last he said that he doesn't expect for me to understand but that he hopes I will. He wants to talk a little , and I can call him when or if I want, but that he doesn't want to talk as much as before. He wants to meet me next Tuesday. Don't know why Tuesday... But whatever.

Edited July 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dianne87]

And maybe there is a part of me that doesn't want to believe he has anger or emotional issues because he so strong and smart. He is my rock. I have anxiety and he is my logic, my brain when mine is not working. How can someone that speaks with such confidence, and have his zest for life have these issues? I just thought he had his act together. If you met him on the street you would think he is nicest guy you'd ever met. But something else is definitely going on inside him. And maybe it's taken these 6 days away from him to see it with clarity. Now I ask myself, why in the hell do I still love this guy...

Edited July 19, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bluegreen]

Thank you for all of your fast replies, and I really appreciate your concern. I sometimes do get afraid of him. I struggle dealing with how this man I fell in love with, that makes me feel so beautiful can turn into such a monster. I've discussed this with my family and friends and most people say he sounds like a brat. When he doesn't get his way, or if I say something in an unintentionally rude way he will get angry. Just for example, we went on this awesome vacation together about 3 months ago and everything was going well. On one of the final days of our trip we stopped at this really grimy hotel. I thought it was gross and I said so. I offered to pay for another hotel or try to get a refund and go somewhere else. I didn't feel safe at this place. He got so mad. Yelling and telling me how ungrateful I was. I relented and said the hotel was fine and dropped it. We went to the rental car to go get food somewhere and out of nowhere before we left he punched the car. Left a huge dent in it. He is a pretty big guy. Very muscular. It scared me. He has punched his refrigerator, and he about broke his hand. He once threw food across his living room after he accidentally dropped his plate. He can be ridiculous. Honestly writing it out makes me realize how crazy he can be. Perhaps it's therapeutic. I still love him though even after his craziness. Just a few days before we broke up we were about to go to sleep and he looked at me and held my face and said I so beautiful and that he loved me. I don't understand that. In the past, when I am emotionally done with a relationship, I can't even stand to talk to them anymore, much less tell them how beautiful they are. I know I am not blameless in this situation. I want to be be good for him, maybe I'm just not. I am giving him his space, and letting him do what he needs. I just hope I am not burned in the end for waiting. And I really want to understand why he hasn't told any of his family or friends. I've told everyone in my life... He is very confusing. Still love him. Hope he can get it together because I'll stand by him through thick and thin.

 

 

 

 

If you gonna stay with him as you say trough thick and thin you have to accept consequences of your actions.

He will one day take his rage on YOU it will happen of course he told no one because he DOES NOT BELIEVE HE IS DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

I am familiar with this concept although in different sense am afraid there is nothing confusing about this.

 

He is unstable and will get as worse as he is allowed to do without medication and treatment I am not only afraid but feel sorry for you.

Open your mouth and talk to someone tell them tell your family and understand that you can keep loving him you just can't allow yourself to be tied up to him and stay safe sane and not abused.

 

First came punching then throwing food then insults then HITS is that what you really want for yourself ?