pasister Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Help please. I am in a wonderful marriage - have absolutely no complaints. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter and another baby on the way. I don't think he has any issues that he has not told me about - we have had alot of intimate conversations about our marriage (and sex life) and he tells me that he is happy and satisfied with the way things are. My problems is that there are 2 weddings in the family coming up, both with bachelor parties. It is my husband's brothers that are getting married. Of course, my husband want to go. He also wants me to go to the bachelorette party. Personally, I am dead-set against strip clubs and bachelor's parties. If a bachelor wants to have a party that is one thing (that I am still against) but I think it is a another for a married man to go to one. I tried telling him that I would never go to a strip club out of respect for our marriage and out of respect for him. I probably would not mind if the women were behind glass and there was absolutely no opportunity for touching but that is not the way it is. We were watching American Wedding the other day and I told him I would divorce him if he ever participated in a bachelor party like that. His response was "the guy is not touching the girl". I guess he thinks it is OK to let the woman grind all over you and rub her breast in your face as long as the man is not using his hands. He doesn't see it as a lack of respect - he just sees it no big deal. I told him about some parties I have heard about and his response was "how did the women find out?" I could not believe he said that ... it tells me that anything that happens is supposed to be a big secret and that he probably wouldn't tell me even if something did happen. I recently found out that my husband visited a strip club in Vegas when on a business trip and I am still so upset about that. I am also furious with my brother-in-law (different brother - this one is married). He went to a bachelor party not too long ago and apparently the stripper wrapped her thighs around his neck during a dance. I am furious that he treated my sister-in-law that way - I consider that cheating and still don't talk to him much. How am I going to deal with my husband if he goes. I am so upset and don't know what to do. I want to tell him "absolutely NO" you cannot go but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. I certainly do not want to get a divorce but if he goes and anything happens I will divorce him - even with me being pregnant. Please give me your opinion.
jmargel Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Right thing to do is to trust him. Stop trying to be his Mom and be his wife. If he's allowing you to goto one, then he is secure and trusts you. You should treat him the same. There have been countless topics of strip clubs, porn, etc.. You are going to have people who agree with you and disagree. But, ultimately it comes down to whether you trust your husband. Having dancers behind glass walls? Geez, sounds like you are treating your husband like a child. Everything is great in the relationship but you are telling him you would divorce him over this? Aren't we a little insecure and controlling? I found out that insecurity and jealously are made up of two parts: 1) The imagination. When you let your imagination go wild and start thinking of 'what ifs..' 2) Acting on this wild imagination by telling him he can't do 'this' or 'that', and if he does threaten him. Let him go, show him trust. When you start getting anxious and worried about that night, do the following: Pick a thought of you two spending a good time together, whether it was something you two did a year ago or the day before he goes out and stick that into your head. When those crazy thoughts of him touching a stripper (which majority of clubs will never allow) then tell yourself over & over that these thoughts are just that, and reassure yourself of his love for you by thinking that good thought that you have chosen when you are with him. It's like someone trying to help an alcoholic. If he was a drinker you wouldn't help him by keeping all the booze away from him. Not only is this not teaching him the right lesson, but you are going to overload yourself by trying to keep all the bad things away from him, like he was a child. The instance that you miss keeping all the 'bad' things away from him, he'll head towards drinking again. When a person does this, they are actually pushing that person towards drinking again. You need to put the trust for him above your insecurity and jealously. Alot of people have this, you are in the norm. But the behavior you are showing isn't normal. You'll just push him underground to do it.
Matilda Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 You know, I really don't think it would bother me if my husband went to a strip club as part of a bachelor party deal. Even if he got a lap dance, I don't think it would bother me. I do think it would bother me if he went to strip clubs on a regular basis. In that case I would wonder what is he getting at the strip club, that he's not getting in our marriage. But this once or twice every few years thing, wouldn't bother me. In fact I think I would want to know all the details, and then make use of them in our own sex life. I just don't think it would change anything about our marital relationship. I don't think he would think he wants to go marry the stripper, or have a date with her. And so what if fantasizes about having sex with her. Men do that all the time, and not just about women they see naked, but fully dressed women they see on the street, or in the grocery store. It's just a fantasy. As his wife, you are the reality. Just my opinion.
bluechocolate Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Personally I don't like strip clubs & haven't been to one in many years but if I was invited to a bachelor party & they were going to go to one I would attend. And if my partner told I couldn't go I would go anyway. I would not want to spend my life with someone who had such little faith in our relationship that they would tell me not to attend my own brothers bachelor party because they didn't like strip clubs. jmargel is right - it comes down to trust. And matilda is right also - if it was a regular habit you would have a problem on your hands, but its not a regular habit, is it? These men are his brothers. If he wants to go he should go and with your blessing or at the very least he should not have to worry about what you're going to be like towards him when the party is over. I am in a wonderful marriage - have absolutely no complaints So why create a problem in your marriage where none exists?
Adunaphel Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 I'd be upset too in your situation - a bachelor party is bad enoug, and the way your h responded He doesn't see it as a lack of respect - he just sees it no big deal. I told him about some parties I have heard about and his response was "how did the women find out?" would worry me. I certainly do not want to get a divorce but if he goes and anything happens I will divorce him - even with me being pregnant. Absolutely make sure he knows this!!!! Do you have a close male friend or a trustworthy family member that knows your h's brother and could/would go to the party and keep an eye on your h? If so, you can go to the bachelorette party and have a good time, knowing your friend would report an inappropriate behaviour from your h.
jmargel Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 I hope you are being scarastic with that last post.
Author pasister Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 A couple of points to clarify.. I believe that touching is touching - it doesn't matter to me that the men are not allowed to touch in a club - if the stripper touches then it is touching. My husband is allowing himself to be touched sexually by another woman - that is what bothers me. Call me insecure - call me what ever you want but I would never allow a man other than my husband to touch me in any sexual way. I do NOT belive my husband would tell me what went on during the party - he believes that it should be kept a secret between the guys - if something is kept a secret then there is something wrong with it. I do NOT want to go to a strip club to see male dancers. I have no desire to be around strippers. He would never allow a woman to come into our house and strip and give lap dances on our couch/bed nor would he bring a woman into our home) so why is it ok for it to happen in a strip club when he pays for it. I absulutely trust that he would not have an affair - of that I have complete trust and faith him. But what I consider "sex" and "playing around" is different that how he defines it. I don't see a comprimse between what he sees as "harmless" and what I see as "harmful". In addition to my worries is that I don't trust one of his friends or his brother. As I said before there is a possibilty of renting a hotel room and having there fun there instead of a strip club. My husband even admitted that he did not think that was a big deal. Basically, we completely disagree on this and I don't see a solution. He feels it is fun and I feel that it is disrespectful.
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 You will get opinions of all sorts here from LS on this topic. My opinion, however, I think it's dead wrong to participate in any type of fornication or pornography outside the bonds of your marriage. I think it's inappropriate for men OR women. And I don't care one bit that he's willing to 'allow' you to go to one. It's wrong. He's trying to sweet talk you and make it seem ok if you did the same. Have a serious discussion with him. I realize it will be complicated, you've got to imagine being in his position. His friends will bawl him out and make fun of him for his wife not allowing him to go. Maybe you guys can compromise on a big fat party. That's what my friends have done before. Everyone comes, everyone has a good time. My fiance and I are getting married in 7 weeks and if he tried to pull a slick one like this, I'd cut his balls off. We, instead are having a luau. Everyone is invited. Good luck, it's tuff.
cont1978 Posted October 21, 2005 Posted October 21, 2005 Hi pasister, Do you have an email? I have a similar sittuation and would like to ask you some stuff regarding catching this kind of crap! I think my husband wnet to a strip club during lunch but don't know for sure....can we talk? Thanks so much! Cont1978
a4a Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 My husband was supposed to have the limo, dinner, ect..... knowing that his dirtbag of a friend actually would get him in the limo and end up at a strip club is a given. (dirtbag friend cheats on wife too). My husband turned down the whole bachelor party. He said it was a waste of time and money. He would not enjoy skanky girls shaking body parts in his face when he has all he needs at home. I did not force him to say this. He said this directly to his friend......I was not present. He told his friend that he would simply not get out of the limo. He used to go drink and go to strip clubs with his buddies on a very rare occasion when single, said that he would never pay for a dance as he could watch for free LMAO! Also went to his friend BP and watched him get made into an ass on stage by the dancers and wanted no part of that for sure! He is a good, honest, considerate guy. He values my feelings. We have a strict policy to keep in mind each others feelings regarding just about everything. If a couple of boobies flopping around is that important and more important to him than how you feel and the hurt it inflicts on you, well then....... ..................... If spending your household money for this act is more important then doing something actually productive with it well then........ a4a
denvergirl Posted November 13, 2005 Posted November 13, 2005 Pasister… I support your side!! Hello people there are children are involved!! Being a parent is a big deal! My husband went to a really bad bachelor party. These things can get bad; I had no idea how bad they can actually get… just don’t be as naive as me! A bachelor party is not an excuse to cheat! All that I have to say is just say no to the strippers going to a house party.
Been there too. Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 It doesn't matter how you "should" feel about this... bottom line is how you DO feel. Don't listen to women who tell you that you aren't being a good wife if you don't let him go to the party. Just because the morals, "standards" and values of others are sinking to new lows all around you, you can feel good about yourself and your choices by sticking to your gut. The best thing that any husband can do for his children to love thier mother. Boys learn how to love and respect women from thier fathers and girls learn what kind of love to let into their lives. Remind your husband that you are shaping the lives of your children with each and every action you make. Set high standards for yourselves now, while the kids are young, and stick with them! Weddings are occasions that allow married couples to refresh thier relationships with each other, and with God if you believe. However, For single men and women, weddings can present a time of uncertainty. These singles ultimately question their own life, relationships and future. It can be hard to look at happy couples when you are not a part of one. So they are going to try to make the single life look good, even if it is just for one night - the bachelor party. Tell your husband that bachelor parties are for bachelors and that you are eager to show him the good time that none of his single buddies will find with any stripper. Your marriage includes one man and one woman. Don't give in on this one.
Confused and upset Posted December 5, 2005 Posted December 5, 2005 I am in a similar situation here. When I was younger (in my late teens) I thought that it is better for men to have as much freedom as possible and that would be a guarantee that they would not cheat. I actually went as far as going to a strip clubs in my male friends... and left with a very dirty feeling after that. I just knew I could not be comfortable with my significant other doing that. Now I am 23 and I have a serious 3-year relationship with my boyfriend. He knows and respects my feelings about strip clubs and he does not go. However, the problem I am having is that at some not very distant point in the future we, and our friends will be getting married. For my significant other's bachelor party I can put my foot down and say that I would not want to start our marriage by spending it with some strippers, but what can I do about all his friend's bachelor parties? I think I could somehow come to terms if it was a traditional strip club thing, but now things are getting worse and people are renting out rooms and inviting strippers, who perform various "lesbian shows" and can actually do sex acts. I would never find out if my boyfriend did anything. I think he would not want to do anything but I am afraid the mix of alcohol, some strippers' aggression (which I have personally witnessed, they sometimes go for the "reluctant ones") and pressure from other guys he would do something that he would regret. I know part of it *is* an issue of trust and I am a bit insecure. But I don't understand, if you have a committed relationship why is it wrong for a woman to insist that the man does not see or touch any other naked women? Especially if she would feel awful about it? The argument that I usually get is "well if he lets you go to strip clubs/bachelorette parties, you should let him too". But what if I don't want to go? What if I am truly committed to our relationship, I don't want to see, touch or be around any naked or semi-naked men? I am a bit in despair because we really do have a good relationship going but I see these potential problems in our future due to my relatively rigid values. People make me feel as though I am wrong, but perhaps it is today's society values that are really slipping. All I want to do is just to be happy with one man my entire life, to love each other, and only to share sexual experiences together. Is it too much to ask these days?
Kenyth Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 Personally I don't like strip clubs & haven't been to one in many years but if I was invited to a bachelor party & they were going to go to one I would attend. And if my partner told I couldn't go I would go anyway. I would not want to spend my life with someone who had such little faith in our relationship that they would tell me not to attend my own brothers bachelor party because they didn't like strip clubs. jmargel is right - it comes down to trust. And matilda is right also - if it was a regular habit you would have a problem on your hands, but its not a regular habit, is it? These men are his brothers. If he wants to go he should go and with your blessing or at the very least he should not have to worry about what you're going to be like towards him when the party is over. I am in a wonderful marriage - have absolutely no complaints So why create a problem in your marriage where none exists? A completely personal opinion: I find women to be exceptionally talented at causing problems where none really exist. They don't think like we do. They don't strive for peace and quiet in the relationship like men tend to. To them the relationship is a quest for improvement and perfection. They generally don't honestly think it will ever be perfect, but they'd like to get as close as possible. Once one problems disappears, it's time to find a new imperfection to work on, and find one they will! On the original topic: Just compromise and make him promise not to get any lap dances and not tip the dancers. If he doesn't spend any money on them, I guarantee you the girls won't pay attention to him at all.
Kenyth Posted December 7, 2005 Posted December 7, 2005 I want to say that I agee about strip clubs. I don't think they are a place a married man should be and I certainly don't think they're worth the money. OTOH, bachelor parties ending at a stip club are kind of a ritual. It's expected by many. There's a fair amount of pressure involved. He may have to go to avoid insulting someone. Usually, because the party ends there, you can make a graceful exit early on.
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