cloverh Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) Here I was asking advice about a casual dating relationship that didn't seem to be going anywhere. As per advised, I decided to have a proper talk to him about it. Well, everyone was right - he never intended for it to progress. He cited studies and career as a reason, saying that he could definitely see how we would work out but he just doesn't want a relationship, and even though he likes me something doesn't feel quite right. I don't know what's really going on in his mind because he also feeds me stuff like "When I go about my day there are all these little things that happen and I feel like sharing them with you, I have other close friends but telling you is different" and "I haven't really been happy since I was 16, but these last few weeks made me really happy" and worst of all "I feel like I could fall in love with you but I'm controlling it because I think it's a bad idea." So I decided to call it off and be honest that I want a relationship. He cried a bit and asked "So are you breaking up with me?" and well, I was. I offered an alternative that maybe we could just continue this pseudo-relationship until the end of summer, but he thought it might be healthier if we stopped now before getting in too deep. I was all for keeping contact to a minimum and maybe just seeing each other for coffee now and then - but no more hanging out one-on-one at home. But he really wanted to continue everything as it always was - except without the physical aspects of the relationship. Which means that he wanted to see me and hang out with me just as often as before because according to him he really really enjoying talking to me. He asked if we could have like a brother-sister close relationship. I thought from past experience that I'm capable of maintaining normal friendships with my exes so I caved. We met up today to work at the library and it was stilted and awkward. Even though I'm the one who suggested ending this in the first place, it feels like I'm the one getting dumped. It's difficult to be with him. But he keeps asking about my plans and wanting to hang out. Yesterday he asked if I wanted to have lunch with a bunch of mutual friends (more his friends than mine) and today after that awkward library session he asked if I'd like to hang out with another group of his friends (I know one or two of them) and when I said I might just want to for a walk instead he asked me to text him when I went. I'm tired of this. It feels like he wants me in his life - but on his terms instead of mine. And yes, I like this guy. I really like him and I still want to be together with him if it were possible. I don't know what to do. Why would he keep making me such a central piece of his life if he's not interested in being with me anyway? And for the record, we just broke up two days ago. Edited July 17, 2013 by cloverh
AllTooWell Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 You're right. He wants you there on his terms. If anything, I'd say he likes you and wants to keep you around so he's not lonely. Screw that, he doesn't want a relationship, that's his choice, so say bye. It feels like you're the one being dumped because he's basically forced you to end things since he doesn't want the relationship. I don't think you should hang out with him any more. It's like getting friendzoned and being used by him when he wants you around, but you don't get any of the emotional fulfillment YOU seek.
along60years Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 It sounds like he is simply not ready or able to give you what you want or need and it may have nothing to do with his feelings for you. It hurts and it is hard, but you cannot stay involved with him hoping that he will catch up or change. He is being honest with you about who he is and you have to decide if you are okay with the relationship as it stands. Don't hang around waiting for the universe to shift, because if it doesn't it is only going to hurt more.
thompkevin Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 You just need to realize that even though you maintained friendship with your other exes, it's not the same with this one. He has commitment issues and will keep you around for as long as he can just to make himself feel better. And you know what, you won't feel better unless you stop all communication with him.
Author cloverh Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 I don't think you should hang out with him any more. It's like getting friendzoned and being used by him when he wants you around, but you don't get any of the emotional fulfillment YOU seek. That's exactly how I feel, but is that selfish? I mean it's not like he owes me anything, and it's not like there's a law stating you have to be in a relationship with people who want to be with you. We were friends to begin with, and maybe I should respect that. It sounds like he is simply not ready or able to give you what you want or need and it may have nothing to do with his feelings for you. It hurts and it is hard, but you cannot stay involved with him hoping that he will catch up or change. I feel like it hurts all the more because he may actually really care about me. He called me up twice yesterday to ask/talk about what I was doing and got kinda upset the second time when he found out I was walking about quite late at night. He said things like "Are you crazy? I thought you'd be home by now - c'mon just go home." And I think he may be feeling guilty or something and worried that I'm pretty depressed about it. Then he goes on to ask about my plans (for the third time that day, oh my god) and what I'm going to do. And I just feel like screaming WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
mano Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 From what you just told its clear that he cares n wants u in his life n has feelings for u. But he is quite young roght now n probably just restraining himself from falling for u. Yes he has some commitment issues n just too scared to give in totally. Its gonna keep hurtin u to b this way. U need too talk to this guy n then go for no contact. He needs to b on his own for a litttle while to realize what he really feels for u. Yes he will reach out to u numerous times when he will feel lonely. But just maintain total no contact n let him b on his own for a while.
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