daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 In early September, I met the most amazing boy of my life. He was a friend of a friend's in town for a couple days. The night we met, I was just coming over to hang out with my friend. I had no intention of hitting it off with my friend's friend Chris. As the night progressed, Chris and I became more comfortable around eachother and we both realized that we had met someone special. I never made it home that night. Chris was sleeping on my friend's floor in his sleeping bag. We laid down together on the hardwood floor talking and giggling into the wee hours. Right before we went to sleep, we shared a kiss then fell asleep holding one another. Neither of us are the type to have flings or quick hook-ups. We're both fairly innocent "kids" who have a hard time finding people to connect with. I was blown away by him and the night we shared. In the morning, he walked me back to my car and gave me a hug goodbye. Chris leaves town that morning. He writes me an e-mail as soon as he's home telling me what a great time he had and how wonderful he thinks I am and that he hopes we can hang out soon. Of course I write back first chance again, returning the compliments....telling him that I'd love to hang out with him, that I had a great time, etc. Chris and I exchange little love e-mails for the next several days. Anyway, after a week of this, the e-mails stop abruptly. I wait it out thinking he just doesn't have access to a computer (he was on tour at the time). I decide to ask my friend (who talks to Chris failry regular and went on tour with Chris) if he knows why Chris is avoiding me. He gives me a pretty vague answer, so I decide to just e-mail Chris myself. Anyway, Chris replies with the following e-mail which I will paste below. I guess what I need help with is telling me where I should go from here. In his e-mail, I can't tell if it's his way of saying, "this is it. what i once said was 'fate' is now nothing. leave me alone" or if he's just saying, "things are complicated, but i like you and maybe something will happen with us...." okay, this is the e-mail he sent: <i> Dear Sarah, Glad to hear you're hanging out with David again. I miss him terribly already. I'm happy you wrote, it's always nice hearing from you.. and you don't have to worry about stressing me out.. 95% of the time I'm a walking ball of nerves anyways. Of course I've been thinking about our outstanding evening of wonderment together on a daily basis and I've just been going nuts not knowing what to do about it. Hearing that I'm not a "ho-hum" is beyond flattering. David tells me that every guy he knows who has met you has immediately wanted to "get with you," (for terrible lack of a better term).. Basically David says a ton of dudes love you and you don't love a ton of dudes.. To be a dude who made the cut feels fantastic. and I'm glad you have standards, because you should settle for nothing less than someone as cool as you. My insanely huge, baffling, crazy, ****ty, terrible problem with everything is.. 1. I'm not a jerky jackass who goes city to city and makes out with people.. In fact, I've only done it once.. 2. I'm a jackass and kind of a jerk.. Why? Well, I've been "with" a girl for nearly 6 years.. My high school girlfriend Tara and I have been to hell and back, have lived with eachother for 2 years in Chicago, gone to college together for a while, moved back home together, been loop dee loop in love ...... but recently my band lifestyle (the yearly touring and being gone for months recording) inspired her to "leave" me and move to California.. So, we weren't done but we were certainly on the rocks.. and being drunk and stupid felt INCREDIBLE.. especially since she moved to a beach house with surfer dudes all over her..... and at the time perhaps I was thinking that I'd let the band lifestyle consume me and I'd let katy live her california dreams (ugh, for lack of a un-stupid term), but I was wrong, and I suppose I'll always be wrong.. Yep, 6 years with Tara couldn't be forgotten about over one night.. and I don't know what the hell to do, because I'm not the type to cheat on a girlfriend of 6 years and I'm not the type to be a dick and hurt a girl.... you're not a nerd, you're ****ing cool as hell!! and if things were different, I'd move to your city, be in David's band and forget all my old ties to old stupid ****, but I don't know how to do that. and it just can't happen. i think you're outstanding. and i'm that shy person who hates to talk to people and (as mean as it sounds) hates people a lot of the time and we have a lot in common and it's so cool. . and I want to come visit and hang out with you more.. and i want to be your friend and keep in touch and be stupid with you more.. Please! I hope we can do that.. and I'm not asking for you to be my drinking buddy or anything stupid like that, but my friend who understands that in some eyes, i've made a mistake and i feel like hell, but in other eyes I was in the perfect place at the perfect time and had an amazing time where I would change nothing.. and I'm more frazzled than usual.. especially being home, missing tara and i, having my family missing tara, being with tara's family .. I'm sure I don't need to explain it like crazy... i'm sure it's enough to understand.. and God i hate to have to have things like this .. I'm generally awkward all the time and i don't want this to further awkwardize things. and GOD i hope 'awkwardize' is a word, if it's not, GOD i want it to be now.. what the hell should i do? </i> a couple weeks have passed since he wrote that e-mail. i decided it was best to give him space, so that is what i've done. according to my friend david, chris and his girl have since decided to "live their separate lives" and stop calling eachother on the phone. does that mean they are broken up? does that mean i should "go after" chris again? This is really bothering me now because Chris will be in town in a couple weeks. He's going to stay here for a few days and I don't know how to act around him. I've completely fallen for him and don't think I can handle seeing him if he just wants to be friends. I'm sorry I'm so wordy. I would appreciate some advice. Thank you.
Confused28 Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Ohh Wow, That is such a tough situation! I think that it is admirable that he is honest with you, a lot of people who not be. I think it is also admirable that he is so faithful and loyal to his old girlfriend who it sounds like went off to have her fun in California without him. I think you should stay in contact through email and just be his friend like he wants. I think before long he will fall in love with you and Tara will be a distant memory once he realizes he deserves to be treated well and you do that for him! I think when he visits, just be yourself and be his friend. He obviously wants that, and thinks you are wonderful, so just be your wonderful self! Don't be afraid to care for him, that is how love begins! Best Wishes! Confused28
bluechocolate Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 This is my interpretation of what he is saying: and if things were different, things are not different I'd move to your city, be in David's band and forget all my old ties to old stupid ****, he will not move to your city but I don't know how to do that. he doesn't want to do that, because then he says... and it just can't happen. I'm sorry, but he's laid it out for you. He is not interested enough in you to start something serious right now. He said that he was drunk & stupid during your fun night together & he is not over his (ex?) girlfriend. He also said more than once that friendship is as far as he wants to take things with you. There are a few other things in his email as well that, quite plainly in my opinion, make it clear that you should not be getting your hopes up - missing Tara, being frazzled, having a busy lifestyle, missing Tara's family .......... When someone tells you this stuff you shouldn't try to put a different spin on it. Take it for what it is. Don't go after him. Let him decide when the time is right for him to start seeing someone else. If you can be friends then be friends because at this moment in time that is all you're going to get from him.
Mr Spock Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Do not respond to this email. At all. Do not contact him again. You are not his moral sounding board. If he needs comfort, let him get a stuffed animal. Or a therapist.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by Confused28 Ohh Wow, That is such a tough situation! I think that it is admirable that he is honest with you, a lot of people who not be. I think it is also admirable that he is so faithful and loyal to his old girlfriend who it sounds like went off to have her fun in California without him. I think you should stay in contact through email and just be his friend like he wants. I think before long he will fall in love with you and Tara will be a distant memory once he realizes he deserves to be treated well and you do that for him! I think when he visits, just be yourself and be his friend. He obviously wants that, and thinks you are wonderful, so just be your wonderful self! Don't be afraid to care for him, that is how love begins! Best Wishes! Confused28 This sounds most like what I would want to do. I have a hard time hating boys and dropping them when they are something really great. I can't expect him to change his life for me after meeting me on one night, but I can be his friend until he falls in love with me and moves here. Haha.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by bluechocolate When someone tells you this stuff you shouldn't try to put a different spin on it. Take it for what it is. Don't go after him. Let him decide when the time is right for him to start seeing someone else. If you can be friends then be friends because at this moment in time that is all you're going to get from him. Thanks for the advice and your opinion on the situation even though it wasn't quite what I wanted to hear. I needed a dose of reality.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Do not respond to this email. At all. Do not contact him again. You are not his moral sounding board. If he needs comfort, let him get a stuffed animal. Or a therapist. I sorta accidently replied. I don't know. I guess I'm a fool. Here's what I sent him if anyone's interested. I probably sound like an idiot boys can walk all over. I genuinely wasn't mad at him (just disappointed that my high hopes were shattered) so I didn't want him to feel bad. Hi Chris. I'm sorry for complicating things. I've been completely confused as to whether I should just avoid you or write you or not write you or who knows what. I found out from David that you had had a girlfriend or had a girlfriend and the last thing I wanted to do was get in the way of that or add more confusion to your life. I honestly expect nothing from you. At this point I just want you to be completely worry free and happy whether that be with Tara or your band or whatever you choose to do. Do not worry about me. I'm tough as nails. I do understand what you're going through with Tara. I had a similar rocky long distance relationship and I know it's not easy. Even if you and Tara were officially over, introducing someone new into the picture is probably not the best thing to do when it's so hard to think about anyone but the person you shared the past 6 years with. Anyway, I think if I were in Tara's position now, I'd understand. You didn't ruin Christmas! Take it as a learning experience maybe. I think given the circumstances, she would be understanding. I wish I could offer some wonderful advice now, but I've only had one boyfriend and I NEVER know what to do EVER! I hate to be responsible for this added confusion when it's hard enough dealing with a rocky long distance relationship and I'm really sorry. What David told you about me is kinda funny. I'm kind of a weird girl I suppose and it's hard enough for me to find people I like let alone want to be around. This is one of the reasons why I value my relationship with David so much and why I felt the need to write you even though I probably should have let things go. Guys like you don't come around much. Alright Chris. I hope you work everything out. I'd still like to be your pal because it seems we do have a lot in common personality wise.
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 It sounds simple to me, he still wants her. Leave him be. He sounds like he's got too much going on anyway.
savethedrama4allama Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by daterhater I sorta accidently replied. [/i] You sorta accidentally replied?! Are you in denial? And at the end you said you wanted to be "pals" anyway. No you don't! You can't fool LoveShack. Its not smart to try to be pals, anyway. He made it clear to you what the situation is now. Let him go.
Dakini Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by Mr Spock Do not respond to this email. At all. Do not contact him again. You are not his moral sounding board. If he needs comfort, let him get a stuffed animal. Or a therapist. Mr. Spock, will you council me??????? You are soooo strong! Daterhater, listen to her!
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama You can't fool LoveShack. Listen to the llama. She means well. I don't think he really even dignified a response. He's got a woman. He made that clear. Good luck.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 It's really not as simple as you guys are making it out to be. I know you're all going to think I'm an idiot.... let me explain.... My first boyfriend, I was crazy about. Months after we broke up, I still wasn't over him. So many decent guys entered my life in this point who would have made a much better boyfriend than the guy i was with, but i was blind to this. in my eyes, he was the perfect man and i wanted him and only him. when you're in a relationship where the other person wants to end it or moves away or pushes you away, you want that person back. you are oblivious his faults. you are oblivious to the fact that you could be happier with better suited people. people get stuck in a rut and would rather stay in that rut with the thing they've known for so long... the thing that feels normal. they'd rather hold onto the consisitency than shake things up to find that better thing. let's say you're living in some ****hole in iowa and have always dreamed of becoming an actor, but instead of moving to california and facing the unknown, you'd rather stay in your comfortable position as the head of the high school theatre department. things aren't bad at the theatre department. you don't know what will happen in california, so you stick to what's just good. settling for "okay" when you could take a chance and have "great." my opinion on chris is he has been with this girl 6 years. she is all he knows. she IS his life and has been since the time he was an immature highschooler until now as an adult. his girlfriend is only one of three (me being number three) girls he has kissed in his life and he's already 25. i don't believe in getting love right the first try. i don't think people find true love when they are a youngin. when people are with the same person since they are in high school, i don't think it's because they got it right, but because they are afraid to give it up and try something new and possibly better. i don't think chris realizes that he can do better. i think he's so afraid of giving up this lifestyle he's had for the last 6 years, but i definitely think he needs to stop holding onto her. she moved halfway across the US. they were young when they began dating. it's time to move on. i was the first girl who questioned chris' relatoinship with this girl. i made him think, "is it worth holding onto her?" according to my friend David, during tour, all Chris talked about the first few days was me and how he wanted to come visit me and he was setting up plans with David and figuring out where he'd stay and all that. at this point, chris and i had only met on that one night and already he thought like this. as his tour progressed and we lost contact, i guess chris lost that feeling and went back to what he's more familiar with.... his girl. it's really hard to hold on to that CRUSHY/lovey dovey feeling with someone you've only met once. you can't keep it up unless you have contact with them to assure you that it is worth forgetting your ex. i can see why he'd go back to having feelings for his ex when he's on that trip because she is more real than some girl he met on tour. i guess what i'm saying is i know it's not right to pursue him now because he is a busy guy with a lot of **** to get over, but you all are so black and white with relationships. "he has a girlfriend, drop him." "he's an ass, don't write him back." life is not always that simple. some of the best relationship i know of now are relationships that took work in the beginning. i know what we had that night was different and special and i think it would be stupid to give up on being his friend when being his friend could lead to something more beautiful than either of us have experienced. i'm not mad at him for not being over his ex now. he was with her for 6 ****ing years. i just think he needs time to realize that there are better things out there and i'm willing to wait.
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 You're making it out to be more than what it is. He has a woman, he told you. Respect that. There are single men that you can persue. Do the other women in the world a favor and don't mess with their men! If they are that unhappy, they will leave, with or without you in the picture. This guy is not fair game!!!
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by Dakini Mr. Spock, will you council me??????? You are soooo strong! Daterhater, listen to her! I don't think that's the best idea. Example: my best friend is dating a wonderful girl who at the beginning, didn't like him at all. He stayed with her as a friend. She grew to love him. They've now been dating over a year and are madly in love with eachother. He could have just dropped her when he found out she wasn't interested in him like that, but he didn't. smart guy.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by tikibrandy You're making it out to be more than what it is. He has a woman, he told you. Respect that. There are single men that you can persue. Do the other women in the world a favor and don't mess with their men! If they are that unhappy, they will leave, with or without you in the picture. This guy is not fair game!!! he doesn't have a woman. she moved to california months ago. he lives in chicago. they decided to go their separate ways and limit talking to eachother over the phone. is he still off limits? i would take this as him being single. maybe not? when he comes here in november, am i supposed to treat him like a single guy? should i keep away from him even if he is single?
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 I am a believer in forcing a man to love ya. If at first he doesn't pay enough attention to you, stalk him until he does!!! You *will* eventually get this man's attention, it's too bad that it'll be the WRONG kind of attention.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 man, now i'm getting all defensive and trying to defend him cause i feel like such a DORK for not moving on and treating this relationship as something worthwhile.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by tikibrandy I am a believer in forcing a man to love ya. If at first he doesn't pay enough attention to you, stalk him until he does!!! You *will* eventually get this man's attention, it's too bad that it'll be the WRONG kind of attention. it's not about forcing someone to love you. he already likes me a lot. it just happened at the wrong time.
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 So then leave him be. Like I think I said in my first post.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 but why? why leave him be when he's single? why leave him be when he wants to see me when he comes to town? i don't get it.
Merin Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Chris let you know straight up that he wants to be with Tara... and he let you know that in his mind he had betrayed her in sharing a kiss with you... He mentioned her a lot in his email to you... trust me if Chris was all about you, he would've been like "Who? Tara? Who in the hell is that?" I think he thinks you're a nice girl... I also think he didn't want to p!ss David off by not replying to you at all... he and David are friends, you and David are friends... When someone tells you they want to be with someone else (not you) please believe them. Don't try to convince them how they are wrong, or how they don't really mean it... Accept that he wants to be with Tara, regardless if you think it's a good idea or if you think she is right for him... and move on. Good Luck
tiki Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 I give up. Maybe someone else can chime in here. Anyone? My opinion is that you should back off. If he wants you that bad, he knows where to find you.
Merin Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Originally posted by daterhater but why? why leave him be when he's single? why leave him be when he wants to see me when he comes to town? i don't get it. Because in HIS mind he is STILL very much with Tara. AND Because he has told you straight up he wants to be your FRIEND. So all good if you want to be his friend ONLY... but I don't think he could've made it more clear (without being a total jackass) that he regrets what happened, he feels guilty about it, he wants his gf Tara, and he sure hopes you two can be friends.
savethedrama4allama Posted October 25, 2004 Posted October 25, 2004 Daterhater, why do you think he's single? It seems clear to me from his email that he is NOT. His heart is with Tara. Quit trying to convince yourself otherwise or that you can get him away from her.
Author daterhater Posted October 25, 2004 Author Posted October 25, 2004 I guess you guys are right. Now I feel like completely avoiding him while he's in town.
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