TheGuard13 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I tend to judge people on how they treat me, not on the mistakes they have made in the past. 2
Shepp Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Controversially judging by this thread it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't write of a girl who cheated on her boyfriend when she was younger IF I trusted her. That's the whole thing - I can make up my own mind about person I don't really judge them on past relationships - if I don't think she'd cheat on me then I don't care if she'd cheat on him! If she's had a long running affair then that might be different, only because I like honest, straight up people.
The Shepherd Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I really liked this girl but I just feel like this is something I’m going to resent her for forever. I don’t know what to do. I think you should let her go.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Honestly, If I would be you I would not be that concerned with the fact that she cheated on another guy as for the fact that she found it so easy to lie to you.... I don't know if I would date a woman who cheated on her past... I don't think I am no one to judge someone's past but I would be very angry if I find out that a woman is lying to me in my face. This^^^^^^^^
RedRobin Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Well... I have this saying when it comes to relationships and integrity... "There are lots of ways to be an A-hole" Lying and choosing to have sex or engage in an emotional affair with a person who is not your SO is one of them... but there are many others. I'd say I'd judge it based on the surrounding other behaviors and events... both in the past and current. I'd also judge whether they confessed to the person they cheated on and did anything to try and repair the relationship in any way... Same way I'd judge someone if they had a DUI in their past. Were they a chronic drinker who routinely drove drunk and got caught once? Or were they someone who, oh, just found out their spouse died, had one too many, and drove home. Big difference. One is ingrained, and very hard to change habits. Another is rather circumstantial, albeit with horrible consequences. I say this having been cheated on... by my ex-H. He confessed (he wasn't 'caught'), we went to counseling... I wouldn't call him a 'cheater', believe it or not. Other than this incident, I know for sure he was 100% faithful. We ended up divorcing for other reasons... this was just the symptom. No, he did not end up with his affair partner either. As far as I know, he is still single... Will say though, it permanently changed how I screen men. Not for 'cheating'.. or even lying/dodging about sensitive subjects upfront necessarily... I don't grill people... Mostly because I don't think every question from a near stranger deserves an answer. The person asking the question has trust to earn themselves... mostly, can they be trusted with my secrets... whatever they are. I don't blab my life history to every person who asks... Anyway, if you want to avoid someone who may cheat on you in the future (regardless of how honest they are about it in the beginning)... simply avoid people who cannot manage conflict, are highly impulsive, or tend to be passive aggressive rather than deal with feelings/emotions up front. Has worked very well for me since my divorce. 3
sillyanswer Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 Would I date a cheater? Maybe. Is she hot? I would have serious concerns about it becoming long-term, though, but I might be willing to hear more from her about the situation. I do think it's possible for people to make mistakes and to learn from them and to avoid doing those things again in the future, but there are also people who keep cheating. I really liked this girl but I just feel like this is something I’m going to resent her for forever. I don’t know what to do. Ok, if you're going to resent her forever then that's you not her, but end it now anyway.
bluegreen Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 There is always a choice divorce or break up if the person wants to choose right thing. Why would you trust someone who did that to other person when it can easily be you next time ?
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 I don't think my ex-H should be branded a 'cheater' for life. He should be branded for other things much more aggregious, if you ask me. Including how he treated me during the marriage and backing out of other very important commitments. He was not a good problem solver and was lazy in some important ways. Not to mention verbally abusive. Then again, I chose him. So that is on me too. I learned a lot from that experience. Here is also what I tell anyone who even cares to discuss this issue with someone. Cheating isn't a mistake, it is a choice. It is a choice because many other things had to happen before they were in a position to be alone with someone where that could occur. They likely walked that path in their brain long before they walked it in real life. I agree with others that say the person could have made other choices. If the person calls it a 'mistake', then that would be a red flag for me. The question then becomes, have they made appropriate changes to their life and coping HABITS in order to make different choices in the future. This applies to any bad habits really. They need to exhibit a consistent history of making better choices, when put in situations that will test their limits. 1
Woggle Posted July 20, 2013 Posted July 20, 2013 Because a person should not be made a pariah just because they made a mistake. Particularly if the relationship they cheated in was when they were young. There are loads of variables in relationships. And there is a massive difference between a serial cheater (which I wouldn't date) and sometime who did it once and didn't do it again. Good people sometimes do bad things. It doesn't make them bad people. I give people the benefit of the doubt because I want to not be judgmental or cynical if I can help it. But that's just me. I know people are judging me so it is only fair if I judge them. Everbody judges. I have also sadly learned through the years that cynicism has it's benefits. A person has to earn my faith and trust and being a cheater is not the way to do it.
Woggle Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 If everyone walks off the cliff, you should too, huh? That's pretty sad. I never said that. I said that judging and cynicism has it's place in this world.
CrazyConcept Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 I could date someone who cheated in, like, high school or early college and is in her late 20s by now, so plenty of time to change. Not a very recent one.
Rarrkel Posted July 22, 2013 Posted July 22, 2013 good for you for being moralistic. Not all people believe so strongly that infidelity is as bad as you and I both know it to be. If you truly want and love someone, then you have them and only them. But the truth is, you can't make someone be faithful to you, they either are or they're not. And people who deal with hardships in relationships by cheating know no other way to deal with things, it is their escape and their way of saying they can't cope and that won't ever change unless they are with someone that they are truly willing to fight for. You can help your partners with anything: drug addiction, gambling, alcohol etc but you cannot help them to be faithful. It's a risk you're just going to have to take if it's what you truly want inside but don't think that she won't do it to you. She could, most definitely it's just a question of whether you are willing to find out and let it happen.
bluegreen Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 With so many people to choose from I can't understand why would anyone even want to ?
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