GBP12 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 To make a long story shorter, I have been dating a girl for a few months and we are exclusive. I was really falling for her, and she was for me. I was more into her than anyone I have dated up to this point. We are both 26. Anyway, she is from my area but lived in NYC for three years. While there she got engaged, I knew about all of this. She told me it eventually was broken off because they weren’t right for each other. She had told him she wasn’t ready to get married, but then he proposed anyway and she went along with it. Things weren’t going well. She was unhappy, not in love, he wasn’t helping around the house, they were leading different lives, as he wanted to keep partying, etc. But the real, final reason the engagement was broken off was because she cheated on him with a co-worker. She had been arranging dates with this man for 2 weeks and then while out one weekend she went home with him and they slept together. She says it is the worst thing she has ever done in her life. If she could take back one thing, it would be that. Of course, she’s going to say that to me now, so I take it all with skepticism. She says she was too cowardly to end it the right way so she did that. She says she has not contacted him since that night, which I also don’t believe. I also asked her repeatedly in the beginning if it ended because she cheated and she told me “no” every time. That’s what really pisses me off. The guy that she cheated with just seems so incredibly unattractive and so different from me. I feel like I’m leagues above him and don’t see how she could do such a thing. All of the moves he put on her are so incredibly skeezy and lame. I can’t imagine taking an engaged woman out on dates, but that’s me. The guy was a frat boy, corporate finance snob type that I just can't stand. I have also been cheated on before and I just never wanted to be involved with the kinds of people who do things like that. It’s eating me inside. I really liked this girl but I just feel like this is something I’m going to resent her for forever. I don’t know what to do.
lissa90 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I wouldn't personally date a cheater. I know people can change and some people do it because of circumstance or being unhappy. However I wouldn't want to take that risk and experiencing that hurt, no matter how slim that chance may be. Her excuses for cheating on her guy is lame and inexcusable. If she can cheat on him, then she can cheat on you. But my opinion on it really isn't the point - its what you think and what you feel. Do you trust her? Do you think she could ever cheat on you? Is she worth the risk?
Philosoraptor Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 If this is something that is going to eat at you, you'd be better off ending it now and saving you both some trouble. Has she grown up and changed? I dunno. But it's a risk you're either willing or not willing to take. But if you take the risk and continue with her, you can't hold anything against her for her past. 3
New User Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Once a cheater.... you know the rest. It also sounds a lot like she cheated on him to "punish" him. Not really a indicative of a healthy mindset. There are plenty of other single women out there- why risk getting involved with someone like that?
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 With most cheaters, it's not a one time thing. Not worth the risk. 2
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 While there she got engaged, I knew about all of this. She told me it eventually was broken off because they weren’t right for each other. She had told him she wasn’t ready to get married, but then he proposed anyway and she went along with it. Things weren’t going well. She was unhappy, not in love, he wasn’t helping around the house, they were leading different lives, as he wanted to keep partying, etc. But the real, final reason the engagement was broken off was because she cheated on him with a co-worker. She had been arranging dates with this man for 2 weeks and then while out one weekend she went home with him and they slept together. She says it is the worst thing she has ever done in her life. If she could take back one thing, it would be that. Of course, she’s going to say that to me now, so I take it all with skepticism. She says she was too cowardly to end it the right way so she did that. She says she has not contacted him since that night, which I also don’t believe. I also asked her repeatedly in the beginning if it ended because she cheated and she told me “no” every time. That’s what really pisses me off. Cheaters really hate when we say cheaters never change...so I will say it differently. People who cheat do so as a way of dealing with personal unhappiness. Unless they work on that, they will continue to use that as a coping mechanism. So what happens when she's unhappy? I have bolded the statements she made that show she still does not accept responsibility. She can feel bad all she wants but did she learn? What's different about her coping skills? Without change, she is destined to do it again, when she feels ignored, unloved, the moon is full etc. How will you know that the next time she is not just "going along with it" I know you like her, but how is she going to show good faith? I mean she already lied about it...? You need to have a seriously long talk, but ultimately it's her actions, not her words that will matter. 1
KatZee Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I really liked this girl but I just feel like this is something I’m going to resent her for forever. You already know within yourself that you're going to resent her forever, as being involved with cheaters is a deal breaker for you. I don’t know what to do. You DO know what to do. I just don't know if you're ready to acknowledge or go through with it yet. Her integrity and morals are without a doubt questionable. She cheated on her FIANCE! Was she wearing her engagement ring when she brought back this guy to her home and had sex in the bed she shared with her FIANCE!? That's beyond disgusting. Then she lied to your face about it.
InsaneTrombone Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. I hope this post explained how I feel on this topic. 4
LOSTnMT Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I go into every relationship expecting the woman to cheat. Anything more is gravy and I have yet to be surprised.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I go into every relationship expecting the woman to cheat. Anything more is gravy and I have yet to be surprised. That is awful. 3
KatZee Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I go into every relationship expecting the woman to cheat. Anything more is gravy and I have yet to be surprised. You pick pretty crappy partners then. Something is obviously wrong with your people chooser skills. 1
KungFuJoe Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I'm not going to say the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" because *I* cheated before...with a gf of 4 years. But, like most everything in life, context is important. In my situation, my relationship was HORRIBLE and probably should have ended 2 years prior (in retrospect, I never should have been with her PERIOD) and my cheating was a spur of the moment, alcohol assisted, one night with a girl I had a MAJOR crush on and who 100% came on to me (I did not pursue her in the least). And I ended up marrying the girl I cheated with so it's not like I cheated with just any girl who gave me the time of day. I had turned down many opportunities in the past...only to finally succumb to a "perfect storm" of infidelity. In op's gf's situation, it seems that this was premeditated, planned and she was happily engaged. I would be VERY concerned, myself...even if it seems somewhat hypocritical of me to say so.
therhythm Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 To make a long story shorter, I have been dating a girl for a few months and we are exclusive. I was really falling for her, and she was for me. I was more into her than anyone I have dated up to this point. We are both 26. Anyway, she is from my area but lived in NYC for three years. While there she got engaged, I knew about all of this. She told me it eventually was broken off because they weren’t right for each other. She had told him she wasn’t ready to get married, but then he proposed anyway and she went along with it. Things weren’t going well. She was unhappy, not in love, he wasn’t helping around the house, they were leading different lives, as he wanted to keep partying, etc. But the real, final reason the engagement was broken off was because she cheated on him with a co-worker. She had been arranging dates with this man for 2 weeks and then while out one weekend she went home with him and they slept together. She says it is the worst thing she has ever done in her life. If she could take back one thing, it would be that. Of course, she’s going to say that to me now, so I take it all with skepticism. She says she was too cowardly to end it the right way so she did that. She says she has not contacted him since that night, which I also don’t believe. I also asked her repeatedly in the beginning if it ended because she cheated and she told me “no” every time. That’s what really pisses me off. The guy that she cheated with just seems so incredibly unattractive and so different from me. I feel like I’m leagues above him and don’t see how she could do such a thing. All of the moves he put on her are so incredibly skeezy and lame. I can’t imagine taking an engaged woman out on dates, but that’s me. The guy was a frat boy, corporate finance snob type that I just can't stand. I have also been cheated on before and I just never wanted to be involved with the kinds of people who do things like that. It’s eating me inside. I really liked this girl but I just feel like this is something I’m going to resent her for forever. I don’t know what to do. Well she already find it easy to lie to you when you asked her about the truth of her break up with her ex fiance.... People who lie so easily are very dangerous. I am not going to tell you to dump her because you are the one who is invested on her... but as they say cheat me once shame on you... cheat me twice shame on me ... Since she has lied to you before if it was me in your place I would move on and look for someone more honest.
BradJacobs Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Do you trust her? Has she cheated on you? The fact that she lied about how her engagement ended would make me not trust her but I'm not you. If I trust her and she hasn't cheated on me then I would date her.
Phantom888 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 If you can't trust her, you shouldn't be with her. People don't change, especially with cheating. There is no punishment or negative reinforcement. They stop cheating when they are caught, and then it goes on again. Not worth it.
bluegreen Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Character Flaw And that's one thing you can't fix you either have values and it or you don't.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I don't believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. So as to the question, yes I would. It would depend on many things though.
Author GBP12 Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 One thing I can say with 100% certainty is that she was NOT "happily engaged." I can say that based on info from her as well as her friends. It was never going to work. Too different of people, she told him not to propose and he did it anyway. I've heard from her friends that he was extremely manipulative and thought he owned her like a piece of property. It still doesn't excuse handling it like that, but she was not "happily engaged" and it was not a healthy relationship.
carhill Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I would strongly suggest avoid dating a person who has ever been unfaithful to their spouse, ever. Especially me. Thanks!
KungFuJoe Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 One thing I can say with 100% certainty is that she was NOT "happily engaged." I can say that based on info from her as well as her friends. It was never going to work. Too different of people, she told him not to propose and he did it anyway. I've heard from her friends that he was extremely manipulative and thought he owned her like a piece of property. It still doesn't excuse handling it like that, but she was not "happily engaged" and it was not a healthy relationship. Well like I said context is important. Perhaps she felt trapped and the right other guy came along and she saw it as a way out. Still not a commendable action but, for what it's worth, I cheated in the past and I'm now the most faithful guy there is.
therhythm Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 One thing I can say with 100% certainty is that she was NOT "happily engaged." I can say that based on info from her as well as her friends. It was never going to work. Too different of people, she told him not to propose and he did it anyway. I've heard from her friends that he was extremely manipulative and thought he owned her like a piece of property. It still doesn't excuse handling it like that, but she was not "happily engaged" and it was not a healthy relationship. Honestly, If I would be you I would not be that concerned with the fact that she cheated on another guy as for the fact that she found it so easy to lie to you.... I don't know if I would date a woman who cheated on her past... I don't think I am no one to judge someone's past but I would be very angry if I find out that a woman is lying to me in my face.
soccerrprp Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 There's already mistrust, deception and doubt. You have also indicated that this is eating away at you and will likely continue to do so....I only see heart-break and more trouble ahead.
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