Hurtslikehell Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 My fiancée left me after 7.5 years - having lived together for 5 of those, engaged for 2 and everything seemed to be just fine and our bright future just around the corner. I'm 27, she's 26 - lets call her bee. Bee decided shortly after we moved in that she wasn't happy in her job and wanted to go back to university as she felt she had a calling to be a nurse! This meant financially things would be a struggle but I loved bee and it was all about building for the future we could see for each other - so I supported her in her decision and us financially. Things were going great and whilst we had the odd disagreement and argument (usually she'd be right!) we were a devoted couple madly in love with each other!! Bee's father died suddenly 2.5 years ago and it was a horrible time for her! Her relationship with him hadnt been great when she was a kid but they were patching things up well in the months before he died - and understandably this shook bee enormously! To add to this, her father's side of the family all but cast bee aside and forgot about her - which was truly heartbreaking to see! All I could do was my best to be her rock and to try and support her when she needed me through those dark, hard times. A short while afterwards, bee sought medical help as things were getting a bit much. We had no money, times were tough, and she was doing her best but just couldn't seem to get back to herself. She was diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication. I suppose looking back - the 2 years leading up to the break up Bee has kind of been more like a passenger in the relationship. I feel like I've tried so hard, we moved to a new, more comfy house, bought loads of nice things, lovely garden etc...things were starting to pick up - but bee never seemed convinced. I asked her to marry me weeks before we moved and she was delighted to say yes! She was so happy to show everyone her ring and her and her mum making plans for wedding etc...she even used some of the money she got from her dad to buy her wedding dress so that he had a part in her special day (which I thought was a lovely touch!) Despite this, we struggled on and uni work started slipping in her final year and she couldn't graduate until she re-sat coursework. Bee was fed up by this point and wanted to work again - she would deal with the re-sits as they came up. Again, supported her decision and financially, after 3 years of scraping by, it made sense! We needed the money and I was so confident that bee could do it - but conscious not to apply more pressure than she was already under! Around this period, Bee started a new hobby and met a bunch of new friends! I was delighted as it seemed she was getting over her depression a bit and I encouraged her to the hilt! I never noticed so much but shortly after this people were telling me of their concerns that she was changing, her attitude, her appearance, her values? I never noticed it at all until around Christmas time where I was finding I was sitting at home nearly every weekend while she was out? I voiced my concerns to her that we weren't as close and she was hardly there. I explained I felt a bit taken for granted. Now I will admit I've been constantly worrying about cash since she went to uni and I have felt myself slip into a depression of sorts (I'm no doctor and haven't had any diagnosis) but my weight went up, self confidence went down, and I felt totally helpless! I told her things need to change and she agreed - although I did say that if ever she felt I wasn't making her happy, she had to tell me ...and again she agreed! But i knew I had a part to play in all this and perhaps I should have been a bit more attentive and spontaneous in the relationship - and it was the issues in my head that contributed to this - which I hold my hands up to and have told her these things as well. Gradually, the new friends seemed to turn over very quickly and some people felt isolated by Bee's new alter-ego. They couldn't really engage with Bee any more and this new hobby was becoming more of a full time venture than a pastime - along with the associated binge drinking, rude behaviour and stinking attitude that appears to be as much a requirement as the safety gear?! She left me almost 3 months ago - having stayed with "friends" and partying for almost a week solid and coming home only a couple of times. I confronted her on this and told her to get out and that I never want to see her face again! Of course I didn't mean it literally, but she maintains that is one of the reasons we are no longer together! I found out pretty quickly that she had been with another guy through this week and she denied it 3 times til the evidence was undeniable and she admitted it. I know her so well that i could read it from her! i told her i still want her back and this doesn't mean the end of us (i guess this is as close to unconditional love that you can get?) but i then watched as she convinced herself that her mind was made up! She then took flight a week or so later and moved into a bedroom 60 miles away. I got all the usual "explanations" too - it's not you, it's me! We've grown apart, it's nobody's fault! I still have feelings for you but I love you as a friend now, you deserve someone better than me, someone who loves you as much as you love them! I also got more outlandish reasons too...one being that she knows she is a psycho, she can't meet my expectations, and she feels like I'm not the one for her - partly because of a plastic bottle of oil I threw against the wall 4 years ago after an argument whilst she was upstairs? And partly because I don't drink and bee thinks I judge people who do!! (Utter nonsense - I'm the oddball that doesn't drink, but I have a great time out drinking water or lemonade etc and driving home!) Bee also told me she wasn't going to be with another man for a while and needed time on her own...she doesn't see us ever getting back together but never say never...1 WEEK and I find out she is with him, the guy she cheated with - and 3 days later she changes her Facebook status to "In a relationship" and pics of her kissing this mutant she has left me for! Despite all this, I will never say a bad word against bee, I will not get angry towards her, and I won't give up on the love of my life without a damn good fight! No matter how much absorbing goes on or how many times you read about the GIGS, or try to go NC, your heart rules your head every single time!! I know that I'm setting myself up for a fall, and that I am looking for some validation that by doing what im doing, I might have a way of fixing this, and I KNOW I deserve so much better! But so does bee and I'm not giving up on us and all our years of happiness when I know bee isn't happy herself! I'm getting the breadcrumbs bit by bit just now. I tried no contact but figured that just allows her to forget me to concentrate on this new guy and i cant stand back and let it happen. ive told her i want to keep in contact - not as a friend, and not as "the other guy", but to talk and sort things out slowly! sounds nuts i know, but she agreed. She has even gone as far as saying that she feels so low and that she feels that karma is paying her back = she now knows grass isn't greener! But she's stubborn and has been avoiding me since! This prolongs my agony! One thing I will say is that i will eventually get fed up of it! I can feel myself drawing to that stage right now! It's hard waking up every day and knowing you are 2nd best in the eyes of the person you make your priority every day in life!! But all hope is not lost...you have to do what you feel is right - how can it get any worse? Can it? How does it get better? Help/assistance would be most welcome!
Philosoraptor Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 She is shifting all of the blame to you that she possibly can. She met this man while out with her friends and used your "I never want to see your face again" as a way to clear her conscience and blame the breakup on you. This is no GIGS or any other silly term, she made a personal choice to sacrifice your relationship for her friends. She made the choice to not work on things when she had the chance. She made the choice to lie and give you up. You need to get everything situated in your life right now. Figure out everything with the house (is her name on it?), and get all of her things out. Make your life yours, as she's chosen to leave. You can wait around and waste your time, or you could start to work on yourself and find happiness in this world. It may seem hard now, but millions of people are working through the same things you are... you can do this! 5
Exitleft Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 By talking to her and accepting this, you are going to make this hurt a hell of a lot more than it needs to I'm afraid NC is the best option, for healing and or making her come to her senses which by that time you may find you will no longer accept this. 2
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 ...for your responses folks - all the practical stuff is taken care of - had to deal with all that at the start of this. Interesting that you don't reckon it's GIGS, it fits it perfectly - but I have my own take on that tbh! I've been to hell and back already - that happens every day as I struggle with contact/no contact and one way contact!! I know it won't be like this forever but I cannot fathom how nc will have any affect on her when she is already preoccupied with another guy? Doesn't make sense to me @ all I'll be honest. She knows I'm not her friend and I'm only in touch because I want her back - and yet she still communicates with me! I don't want to let her be the one that got away!! She's the love of my life - so what else can I do?!
Philosoraptor Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Interesting that you don't reckon it's GIGS, it fits it perfectly Nothing but a term used to help people believe there is a reason why their ex desired something or someone more than they valued their relationship with you. Easier to blame something than accept they made a choice to leave and do what they did, at the expense of your feelings. I've been to hell and back already - that happens every day as I struggle with contact/no contact and one way contact!! I know it won't be like this forever but I cannot fathom how nc will have any affect on her when she is already preoccupied with another guy? Doesn't make sense to me @ all I'll be honest. She knows I'm not her friend and I'm only in touch because I want her back - and yet she still communicates with me! I don't want to let her be the one that got away!! She's the love of my life - so what else can I do?! NC is not to affect them at all and is not a tool to get them back; it's a tool to help you heal and move on with your life. You may feel right now that this is the "one that got away", but would one who truly loved you and put you first treat you in the way you were treated. You need to learn to love yourself first so you know what to accept and not accept in the future. 2
Exitleft Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 ...for your responses folks - all the practical stuff is taken care of - had to deal with all that at the start of this. Interesting that you don't reckon it's GIGS, it fits it perfectly - but I have my own take on that tbh! I've been to hell and back already - that happens every day as I struggle with contact/no contact and one way contact!! I know it won't be like this forever but I cannot fathom how nc will have any affect on her when she is already preoccupied with another guy? Doesn't make sense to me @ all I'll be honest. She knows I'm not her friend and I'm only in touch because I want her back - and yet she still communicates with me! I don't want to let her be the one that got away!! She's the love of my life - so what else can I do?! She will never miss you while you are so available to her either, if anything it might make her disrespect you even more for not showing her you have self worth. And more importantly you need space so you can be objective about this. She is not treating you like someone she is afraid to lose anyway, she's already chosen him. NC can only help. I hope your day brightens up. 2
itto ogami Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 She's NOT the love of your life. That feeling should be mutual and will thus remain. You are still very young. And you can't FIGHT to get her back. You have to DISENGAGE. Let her feel your lack of presence. NO CONTACT is the only way to get results. Focus on yourself. 2
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Some awesome points there - giving this some considerable thought - but from where I live and work etc, whilst she is now far away - her family are all around me and her mum and my parents are neighbours so not gonna be easy to just move on and concentrate on myself when everywhere I look I see memories of me and her - its a long time spent! As for being too available...never considered that! Dunno if this new guy is a rebound or not - certainly never have herself any chance to work on herself - but I have nothing but space and I will freely admit I've been completely co-dependent! But all my friends are settled and content (like we were) and I am pretty much on my own to deal with this - that's the first thing I'm working on - and I've shed a ton of weight so slowly building something but cannot detach completely! Your opinions are helping though!
itto ogami Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hit the gym. Improve your body and esthetics. You will feel better and look better. All this is a win-win during no contact. If there's a chance at getting back together, she will see you walked forward and improved yourself instead of pining. This will be ATTRACTIVE to her. Hanging on is desperate and there's not a singe gal (or guy) who finds this attractive. You can do it! 1
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Spot on, thank you for some positive practical advice I'm gonna start insanity I think!! - as I say, I've shed the chub a good bit and am getting my mojo back - it's been 3 months, I was NC for a while and started to take stock of things (even deleted Facebook entirely and am still off it!) - but as I healed I got this determination that I have to fight for our relationship - but I see where you are coming from on this. I am getting fed up of it all being more or less one sided and feeding off these tiny breadcrumbs! But I do still hold on to hope (however false it may be) - honestly, I'm not as stupid as this all sounds and I know if one of my mates were going through this I'd be saying the same!
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Goes without saying what the advice is gonna be here...but although she has gone off on holiday with the new guy this past week, she has emailed me and agreed to meet me to talk when she comes back. Now, having asked her repeatedly to meet me and getting the brush off constantly, for her to come back and request me to pick a date, time and place is pretty unusual. As I say, her whole attitude was turning and she was talking more openly about us the past wee while but now that she's gone on holiday with him I suppose that un-does the change of heart and makes her closer to this guy. I know very little about him but we met him at the same time and I can't stand him but hey...he wasn't the one I trusted!! To go or not to go?? Does anyone have any alternative advice to the inevitable n/c? The way it's looking I'm probably going to pull out but would be cool to hear any other viewpoints on this? One thing I have noticed about this is that my confidence has all but vanished and I am extremely indecisive (you may have noticed from this thread?) this isn't like me usually and I need to build that up again as the shock of all this has ruined me?
lessica Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I just want to say that gigs could well be something the happens. It would take some decent research on the dumpers decisions/emotions/actions to give it any value though. But it does seem to be a trend. Personally, I think the more you work on yourself, the more self respect/worth you will gain, which in my opinion is the biggest step towards healing, and the best chance at attracting someone your ex/or someone new.
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 I agree it bears a lot of the hallmarks of gigs - but I do not accept that gigs is involuntary! Everyone gets a bit fed up sometimes and everyone wonders at some point where their life is headed, especially if there is an attraction to someone else in the mix...but we all have free will and are able to make choices! She happens to have made the wrong one this time and seems hell bent on proving to everyone that she was right by making it work...round peg/square hole! Gigs does sum things up well and I can see her going through the "stages" as predicted, but I can't believe this is a human trait to be programmed to hurt someone you love by sheer selfishness. Whether they mean to hurt us or think they are doing us a favour, there needs to be some accountability for all this heartache - especially since she once was the most caring, considerate women I'd ever been lucky to meet. She just isn't the same right now and she doesn't seem to like what she has become now, whereas she loved it to start with! Miss her like mad but yesterday was day 1 of n/c! Dunno if ill stick with it, we shall see.
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Here's a question though on the n/c score - how does n/c go with friends and relatives? It seems that nearly all of our mutual friends and some of her old friends are shocked with the new bee. They think she has made a mistak. Her mum, who I get on great with, understandably has to keep her opinions, but has all but said that I shouldn't give up on her? I see her mother regularly to hand in mail and other bits and pieces that I find around the house (not much now) - and the conversation does naturally come to this. She misses her daughter, I miss my bee! It's such a mess but what do I do?!
itto ogami Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 "having asked her repeatedly to meet me and getting the brush off constantly, for her to come back and request me to pick a date, time and place is pretty unusual. " You're reaching here. And you've still put yourself the position of need and desperation, which she will note. Cancel the meeting. Hit the gym.
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 I've never heard this term before - i know I am reaching out to her because I know what we have together is worth fighting for...but is this a bad thing? I'm on 3rd day of n/c - it gets easier as the day goes on but right now I want to talk to her - Bee doesn't feel the emptiness of n/c because she has this new guy with her - it is me that is left with the loneliness, the memories and the constant worry that I have lost her forever! God I miss her so much and I have nothing but love to give her...but it sits on my chest like an anvil and it is not meant for anybody else but bee so I can't get rid of it (god knows I've been trying to!) Round and round in circles but getting tired of it! Any suggestions re friends and family? I seem to get some validation from them as they all seem to agree that she has made a mistake she will have to come round eventually or live to regret it for ever (I'd never blow my trumpet like that) but I just need her to see us like that... It's been 3 months though and my life has been turned totally upside down and this hurt (it actually is physically hurting me inside) doesn't seem to be lifting! I can't go on like this forever, contact or not! Despite all she has done, my love runs deeper than that - and though it might not sound like it, the Bee I fell in love with is worth waiting for! Any practical advice around for how to win her heart back, besides the gym?? (which is an awesome idea and something I'm taking up - thank you!)
colgirl Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 She will never miss you while you are so available to her either, if anything it might make her disrespect you even more for not showing her you have self worth. And more importantly you need space so you can be objective about this. She is not treating you like someone she is afraid to lose anyway, she's already chosen him. NC can only help. I hope your day brightens up. Totally agree. While you're still hanging in there you're not giving her the chance to miss you or wonder how you are. She kind of has the best of both worlds right now doesn't she? What you need to do is back right off. If she genuinely misses you she will get back in touch (but even then don't allow it to become just a text thing) or else she won't get in touch. But at least you won't be hanging around waiting for her like a faithful puppy:(. And you'll keep your self esteem in good order too! 1
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 I see what you mean here - but there's not much chance of her missing me as it stands anyway! And for all the improvements I make to myself...she's unlikely to ever see these because she has moved and had completely different friends! It's almost like we never happened as it is - n/c seems to just assist her in this - I'm still going to be feeling the same way about her but if I can't tell her...then again, telling her and getting kicked back every time is what's leaving me feeling 2nd best every day on life! Day 3 of this stretch of n/c...honestly I am listening to you wise folks in here! Lol!! But it's no secret I want her back - anyone able to help me when it comes to friends/relatives?
itto ogami Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 Stay away from her friends/relatives for the time. FOCUS ON YOURSELF. Day 3 of NC and you want to talk again? That ain't NC. Give it at least one month. And yes, it will be hard. When i say "reaching" I mean you're reaching for something that ain't there hidden in her responses to you. She's with somebody else now. The ONLY way to get her back and to go forward is to not look back. 1
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 19, 2013 Author Posted July 19, 2013 Of course I want to talk again - I want this whole mess put behind us and for us to move on together - but for the time being I'm sticking it out! As for friends/family, this is a bit more tricky. Especially when if I don't speak to mutual friends I'm really narrowing my circle of friends! Needs must I suppose?
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 20, 2013 Author Posted July 20, 2013 Managed not bad last night - it's the 4th day of n/c today and bee is due back from holiday. Now...whilst its been 4 days for me, it's been a week of n/c for her where she has has nothing but time with him...and time to forget what she has done to me/us! It just seems too easy for her to have moved on...and the fact that she has gone straight into a relationship with this guy (who I am no doubt gonna have to see when she brings him to her mums!!) simply does not compute! Gigs kinda explains this but is there something more when she decides to leave you for the guy she cheated with? These are the types of things I spend almost all day wondering - and I understand that she prob doesn't even have the answers herself (although I dont think he is going to be a long term partner!) Anyone able to help me understand a bit better about what is going on?
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Ok, so looks like I've all but let go of bee over the weekend! Despite the advice not to meet with her, I thought it may be just as well finding out when she wanted to meet up...just to see if she was serious since she had come felt ignored me for the previous 9 days. After a few calls that went to answer phone I text asking if she could talk and she eventually replied "No"! I got the message right away and replied instantly but was completely ignored - yet again!! She clearly hates me now, even although I don't deserve it! I've told her its maybe a good idea that we don't keep contact and that I'm gonna have to try to move on without her now! Whilst she was on holiday I went around loads of places that are special to us taking pics and putting wee stories/captions under them (I know it sounds a bit silly and pathetic) but I decided that since I went to all the effort, I was bloody sure I was sending them! I sent the majority of them between Sunday and yesterday and I honestly don't care if she reads them or not! Yesterday I felt amazing, bit lower today, and I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day again! I'm not over her and i would still have her back in a heartbeat - but I feel stronger! Thanks troops On the other hand, I'm hearing that she is doing not so well, and is at an all time low with depression! She never went through these bouts of feeling so low when she was with me, and I thought this new life was new and exciting and supposed to be better?? A part of me still feels like bee needs my help but I can't take more rejection! What would you wise ppl do?
veggirl Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Omg!! Please stop humiliating yorself like this! Your last post was painful to read! You look clingy, needy, and desperate. And crazy. She is notttt going to find that attractive or respectable. I'm embarrassed for you, you look really pathetic chasing a woman that wants nothing to do with you! Please find some dignity and stop this! Quit chasing a chick who left you for some other man! I get that its hard and you are sad and upset but you are making it worse! Where is your self respect? She left you and possibly cheated on you and ignores you yet you continue chasing. You will never heal if you don't stop. Have you considered therapy? Your self esteem is nil. Stop chasing her!!!!
Author Hurtslikehell Posted July 23, 2013 Author Posted July 23, 2013 Ummm...ok? Clingy, needy, desperate? Yes! Crazy?...no way! Yea painful to read, but more painful to go through it!! I think I just said I have given up finally so thanks for your comment to put the boot in, not all that helpful but cheers for reading anyway pal!
veggirl Posted July 23, 2013 Posted July 23, 2013 Ummm...ok? Clingy, needy, desperate? Yes! Crazy?...no way! Yea painful to read, but more painful to go through it!! I think I just said I have given up finally so thanks for your comment to put the boot in, not all that helpful but cheers for reading anyway pal! Yes she probably thinks you are out of your mind! Sorry to say! I understand feeling needy and desperate but you CAN NOT act on it! You are digging yourself deeper and deeper into this hole! Look we have all BTDT and learned from it, you will too, but you HAVE to make the conscious decision to STOP chasing her. I hope you really have given up completely on her because until you do, you will continue this cycle. If it helps you could post on LS before contacting her or something when you are tempted, lots of folks here who will be happy to help talk you down from the ledge!
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