Sooverhim Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hi everyone! I have been following ISayWhoa's thread and see that he and WaywardCandy have spent the past week in bed. I guess we are all different but I can't really get my head round that. I see from browsing the boards that hysterical bonding is very common, and maybe even is normal. But I didn't experience this at all. My sex life with my H had deteriorated before my A. During my A I avoided sex with my H as much as possible in order to remain "faithful" to XMM as he was very unhappy about me being intimate with H. So that increased the distance between myself and my H even further. I have had to work really hard since ending my A on improving our sex life, and things are much much better, but it has not been easy at all. However, I find myself feeling jealous of ISW and WC's desire to get together as much as possible. Is it a way of reconnecting and bonding? does it help in the recovery of an A? Does having sex copiously after an A make everything better? Is it just the case that some people are more highly sexed than others and that is their way of coping? Is it a way of showing each other how much you love each other and want each other? When I am upset sex is the last thing on my mind? I have to be relaxed and in a good mood. Am I weird?
janedoe67 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 For me, since sex and affection was something I had craved in my marriage, I was floored that my husband wanted me so much after my A, and I was kind of like, "Wow, what a miracle in the face of such pain! We finally have the intimacy I desired for all those years." Of course, I knew nothing about hysterical bonding and thought it was an authentic, permanent change in our marriage. So hysterical bonding in the long term proved to be kind of an emotional disaster.
dichotomy Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) I had issues having sex with wife after I found out about OM. So there was no bonding/sex need for me. However, about two years ago, my wife suspected I was having an affair (I was not, but kind of pretending a bit like I was)... in repsonse the "hysterical" sex she had (gave) to me was amazing. It was like she was ..the woman she used to be when single. I did enjoy it immensely, but then relalized why the heck was I not getting this kind of sex when she was feeling secure, safe and content with me? We are exploring this in therapy right now as I think great sex, fun sex, exlporitory sex should be greater when two people love and trust and feel good about their marriage. Edited July 17, 2013 by dichotomy
Chi townD Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Nope! Not everyone experiences hysterical bonding. But, it does happen. If it doesn't then it's no big deal. The bigger problem with hysterical bonding is that the betrayer thinks that all the sex that they're having is a sign of forgiveness. And the thing is, it's not. It's just and subconscious, animalistic response to reclaim what they believe is theirs. Nothing more. That's why when WW's or WH's come on here that are trying to reconcile their marriage, we let them know up front what the deal is. 1
HopingAgain Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Immediately after Dday, I lost my sexual.appetite and didn't want WH to touch me. That lasted a grand total of 4:days because my husband was desperate to reconnectn The sex that followed has been some of the most passionate in our marriage. It did draw us.closer" our lovemaking has become more intimate and intense. Its been 6 months for usn Our sex life was great before the affair and.during too, we've always.had an active sex life. 2
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hi everyone! I have been following ISayWhoa's thread and see that he and WaywardCandy have spent the past week in bed. I guess we are all different but I can't really get my head round that. I see from browsing the boards that hysterical bonding is very common, and maybe even is normal. But I didn't experience this at all. My sex life with my H had deteriorated before my A. During my A I avoided sex with my H as much as possible in order to remain "faithful" to XMM as he was very unhappy about me being intimate with H. So that increased the distance between myself and my H even further. I have had to work really hard since ending my A on improving our sex life, and things are much much better, but it has not been easy at all. However, I find myself feeling jealous of ISW and WC's desire to get together as much as possible. Is it a way of reconnecting and bonding? does it help in the recovery of an A? Does having sex copiously after an A make everything better? Is it just the case that some people are more highly sexed than others and that is their way of coping? Is it a way of showing each other how much you love each other and want each other? When I am upset sex is the last thing on my mind? I have to be relaxed and in a good mood. Am I weird? HB is more common in the betrayed spouse. Wandering spouses with HB are folks that never intended to leave the marriage and were probably affairing down to feel worshiped and admired. WS that get HB have intense fear of being dumped after d-day so they go all out to reclaim the marriage. Nevertheless, the symptoms of HB are more powerful in the betrayed party. I don't understand why you tried reconciliation. From your words it seems you were done with your H. Why bother to try?
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 For me, since sex and affection was something I had craved in my marriage, I was floored that my husband wanted me so much after my A, and I was kind of like, "Wow, what a miracle in the face of such pain! We finally have the intimacy I desired for all those years." Of course, I knew nothing about hysterical bonding and thought it was an authentic, permanent change in our marriage. So hysterical bonding in the long term proved to be kind of an emotional disaster. Women that loved to be desired tend to have HB. Some of these women get turned on when a man looks at them with lust. So if the H has lust they respond. They simply want to be wanted.
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I had issues having sex with wife after I found out about OM. So there was no bonding/sex need for me. However, about two years ago, my wife suspected I was having an affair (I was not, but kind of pretending a bit like I was)... in repsonse the "hysterical" sex she had (gave) to me was amazing. It was like she was ..the woman she used to be when single. I did enjoy it immensely, but then relalized why the heck was I not getting this kind of sex when she was feeling secure, safe and content with me? We are exploring this in therapy right now as I think great sex, fun sex, exlporitory sex should be greater when two people love and trust and feel good about their marriage. Yeah, some wandering wives get HB if they feel the relationship is shaky. These are the insecure types.
Author Sooverhim Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Thanks everyone for your responses, it looks like it's a case of horses for courses ... for some people HB is part of the recovery/healing process, for others it's not. I wonder if a couple already has an active/good sex life before and during the A then they've got a better chance of having a great sex life after. For me I feel like Strongernow in that I have to have that feeling of closeness with H first and I have to feel relaxed, comfortable and content to be in the mood for sex, and when all those things are right then the sex is good. In the immediate aftermath of my A I searched the internet for advice on reconnecting sexually with H and came across "fake it til you make it" which I tried to do desperately but which failed miserably for me. For me it has been a very gradual process, achieving intimacy with my H, starting with just cuddling him and slowly working my way up to more. Things are much improved in that I initiate sex now, enjoy it and look forward to it, but I would love to reach a point where I had to just rip his pants off:)
Author Sooverhim Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 I don't understand why you tried reconciliation. From your words it seems you were done with your H. Why bother to try? I was done with my H Pierre, that's why I had the A, but by the time I finished my A I had started to look at my life with my eyes open and see what I had, I decided I didn't want to lose my H, he is a good man, he loves me and I love him. After my A I talked to my H about how far apart we had drifted and was blown away by his desire and efforts to get our M back on track. We have both worked really hard at our relationship and are happy and in love again. I SHOULD have had this conversation with my H BEFORE I had an A. My A was a mistake. I made some really really bad decisions. But I have learned from my mistakes and am working on being a better person, that's why I am here, so I can continue to learn and move forward.
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 but I would love to reach a point where I had to just rip his pants off:) Lets see: What attracted you to OM? Besides being NEW and not the same OLD as the H. There lies your answer.
Pierre Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I don't understand why you tried reconciliation. From your words it seems you were done with your H. Why bother to try? I was done with my H Pierre, that's why I had the A, but by the time I finished my A I had started to look at my life with my eyes open and see what I had, I decided I didn't want to lose my H, he is a good man, he loves me and I love him. After my A I talked to my H about how far apart we had drifted and was blown away by his desire and efforts to get our M back on track. We have both worked really hard at our relationship and are happy and in love again. I SHOULD have had this conversation with my H BEFORE I had an A. My A was a mistake. I made some really really bad decisions. But I have learned from my mistakes and am working on being a better person, that's why I am here, so I can continue to learn and move forward. OK, good for you. Good job!!!! Perhaps you would have developed HB if your H had threatened to kick you out after d-day,
Spark1111 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Idk folks.....We always were passionate about each other physically...and yes, after DDAy, when we I was walking away our sex life was off the charts...but it lasted over two years, so I can't say that's hysterical bonding. we've recently dealt with the death of an aging parent, grown children temporarily home saving for their own homes, and demanding full-time jobs.... I can't say the desire has waned...there is just less opportunity at the moment.....unless we go away to seek privacy. 1
Goodbye Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Idk folks.....We always were passionate about each other physically...and yes, after DDAy, when we I was walking away our sex life was off the charts...but it lasted over two years, so I can't say that's hysterical bonding. we've recently dealt with the death of an aging parent, grown children temporarily home saving for their own homes, and demanding full-time jobs.... I can't say the desire has waned...there is just less opportunity at the moment.....unless we go away to seek privacy. It seems some benefit from the affair?
2sure Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 It seems some benefit from the affair? It isn't a benefit if the affair , it's part of reconciliation. Working on bonding with your partner is an on going thing. You grow apart, you come together. Many things can trigger it, A vacation , a crisis. Betrayal isn't required for great sex . 7
HopingAgain Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Idk folks.....We always were passionate about each other physically...and yes, after DDAy, when we I was walking away our sex life was off the charts...but it lasted over two years, so I can't say that's hysterical bonding. we've recently dealt with the death of an aging parent, grown children temporarily home saving for their own homes, and demanding full-time jobs.... I can't say the desire has waned...there is just less opportunity at the moment.....unless we go away to seek privacy. I agree with this, if anything our sex life has only gotten better through the years. Even with the existence of the brief affair.
road Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 HB can happen but not all go through HB. So whether the WS and BS HB is just what it is. Same for the length of HB. HB usually lasts six months. Though can be over in a week and some have said two years past dday HB has not ended. Some WS and BS after dday do not want sex. Some WS and BS can lose their desire for sex for six months past dday. No wrong or right response. Just a range of responses that people do after dday. When sex does not happen for a long time after dday indicates that the WS and or the BS are not doing what is needed to recover.
janedoe67 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 [ When sex does not happen for a long time after dday indicates that the WS and or the BS are not doing what is needed to recover./QUOTE] I would like to get your perspective on my thread. This is the case for us. Sorry for the t/j but I don't feel comfortable pm'ing men.
Pierre Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 It seems some benefit from the affair? Not really. The sex is always a good thing, but the aftermath of infidelity is still there. It is like taking a pain killer, the effect only last a few hours and more medication is needed. For those that are going to recover the sex makes the recovery much more pleasant. However, the same great sex can be had without the cloud of infidelity and there is no despair in between. 1
janedoe67 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 However, the same great sex can be had without the cloud of infidelity and there is no despair in between. THIS. This is how it should be. 1
NotCamelot Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 HB is indeed a real, almost uncontrollable phenomena. 4 years ago, when I had an EA. After D-day my wife was all over me.....almost more than I could handle at that time.........and it lasted for about 9 months. I never wondered with the exception that I thought she was trying to "keep" me. Then she had the PA 14 months ago. I could not, still cant, keep my hands off her. Starting the day after D-day, 3 or 4 times a day for a long time, and now, after a year, it's still 4 or 5 times a week. And I'm 53, she's 42. We are not kids. So yes, HB is real......for a lot of people. I am really enjoying it. Though it still hurts like HELL when I remember why it is happening.
Steadfast Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 FWIW, I don't believe what you're experiencing is strange or uncommon. Then again, I'm coming at this from the other side. I was fantastically attracted to my ex when we met, and that attraction grew with the years. She became more physically beautiful with age. And while I'm not sure if her motivation for infidelity was an inward need or an outward validation, the effect devastated my sexual 'machine' as it were. Delicately put, when I began dating I could function (as a phallus) but a very large and formidable emotional wall kept me from...err...anything more. Frankly, I faked it, until my woman friend asked why I lied. I guess it was then that I realized just how bad my injuries were. Choking guilt. I'm five-years past d-day and honestly? I'll never quite be the same. I neither worry about it nor do I think it's something I should seek help for. Like the rest of me post separation/divorce, the changes seem permanent.
Bryanp Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I am unclear but were you honest with your husband and does he know that you had a sexual affair on him? Have you now both tested for STD's?
janedoe67 Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 I am unclear but were you honest with your husband and does he know that you had a sexual affair on him? Have you now both tested for STD's? This is something every couple needs to consider when a physical affair has taken place. Getting tested is CRUCIAL. 2
Journee Posted July 21, 2013 Posted July 21, 2013 You are not strange that is just how you feel. That's okay. I don't think that HB is a guarantee just a likelihood. H and I were separated at the time and I was six months pregnant. I wasn't feeling great anyway but with DDay I was very conflicted. We had drifted so far apart in our separation that him wanting me so fiercely was what I craved but what I feared at the same time. I fell back into his arms within hours of our confrontation. He came back to my apartment and he was all over me. Not just sexually. He was tender. Kissing me and holding me. We were always very active sexually. Feeling the depth of need we both had for one another despite it all...that just intensified things. 1
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