Standard-Fare Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I've been seeing a guy I like for about two months. We've been going at a leisurely pace, in part because our relationship is semi-long distance (won't bore with the details). So we haven't been hanging out constantly, but enough to get a feel for each other. There's been a good vibe between us and I feel comfortable with him in a way I haven't felt in a very long time. I've been very optimistic about this one. But a couple weeks ago, we went to a concert together. In the middle of the it, he all of a sudden confessed to me that he'd just done some "powder" in the bathroom. He asked if I minded that, and I did, but I just kind of shrugged. I didn't want to completely destroy our evening, but I was a bit cold with him the rest of the night. I let that one slide. I know sometimes concerts can be special occasions that people like to amplify with drugs. But a week later, on a normal evening date with him, he was acting a little weird. When I called him out, he admitted he was kind of tweaking out, coming down from some coke. In fact he asked if I minded if he finished off his stash so he would feel better/wouldn't have any more around him. That time, I was very direct in telling him I wasn't into it. I said the mood was killed and I went home by myself. I was hesitant to see him again but we hung out twice more and they were actually great dates. Cocaine didn't come up as a conversation topic at all and I could tell he was sober on the dates. I could also tell that he's falling for me pretty hard. Me, I have my walls up big time now. I'm not a square and I've done a lot of drugs myself in the past, but I'm 32 (he's in the same range) and now the most I want in my life is the occasional joint. Certainly not cocaine. It's also worth noting that my last relationship ended over drugs (in that case, an extreme morning/day/night marijuana addiction.) This guy and I are at a point where, due to our distance, we'd have to put in more effort now to keep this thing going. I don't know whether I should continue giving him a chance or whether the coke thing should just be a final dealbreaker. I have a feeling if I expressed to him how big of a red flag it was, he'd either just make a point of never doing it in front of me or he'd tell me he'd stop ... but I'd never be sure if that was true. Not sure how to handle this but would like some outside perspective. Non-judgmental please... like, if you think people who do drugs are inherently "bad people," just don't respond.
jphcbpa Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 It is simple, are you okay with dating a drug (even lager amounts of alchohol user...alchohol is a drug too) user? Either a yes or no. Is this a non-negotiable for you. This has nothing to do with him, but it has to do with what you are okay with. Just know what comes with that and be ready for the consequences if you continue to approve of this in your life. You have a choice.
Author Standard-Fare Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 I think I'd be able to accept it if I knew it were truly an occasional indulgence. I mean, I can have the occasional night myself where I'll take things way too far with drinking. The thing is, I don't know how to assess that accurately. I have no knowledge of what he does when I'm not around him. And if I tried to have a direct convo with him about his habits/frequency with coke, I'm not sure I'd get the whole truth. Let's face it, people lie about that stuff, sometimes both to themselves and others. But I'm not OK with dating a regular or even semi-regular coke user, no. What I do know is this dude obviously has a dealer, and the fact that he did it on that normal date with me (just an evening with the two of us) was a huge turnoff. 1
New User Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 It doesn't sound like you really trust this guy. Nor would I recommend it. 1
Eddie Edirol Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 What I do know is this dude obviously has a dealer, and the fact that he did it on that normal date with me (just an evening with the two of us) was a huge turnoff. If he couldnt hold off for your date, that will probably spell out what the rest of the relationship will be like. Whatever reasons he has for needing the coke, he hasnt fixed that yet. Just on that level alone you guys arent on anywhere near the same page. Youre past that and he isnt. So you have to accept him the way he is now, and assume he doesnt want to change, or wont. You wont be able to change him. So if you think you want to try, then get out now. Dont worry about him falling for you, tell him straight up that you have no interest in someone who does this, and move it along. You can talk to him about it, but can you believe him, you'd have to determine that yourself. I know I wouldnt.
Babolat Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 (edited) Wow, You are kind of telling my story. My ex gf told me, about 2 months into dating, that she USE to do a lot of coke years ago. When I heard "USE" I assumd she was done. About 4 months into dating she spent the weekend partying with a good friend who was in town. I got some strange texts from her at 4am, 5a, etc. It was her usual "I am thinking of you" type of texts, just kind of "slurry". I did not reply. She replied later the next day stating she should not text me when she is intoxicated. When I saw her on Sunday I asked about the texts, she said she had no idea where she was when she sent them, and then volunteered she did coke over that night. She said she had to tell me becasue she always wanted to be honest with me. She could of not told me she said. She said she knew the friends she would be hanging out would be doing coke, that she told them in advance she did not want to, but..... I freaked out. We talked and we talkd and we talked. I asked if she planned to do it again. She said "not this year" and that she remembered why she quit doing coke after she did it, as it was "bad" coke. She also said she would never do it around me and she was not a regualr user. She is not, I believe her. We dated for 6+ more months, I have no idea if she did coke in the timeframe as I did not ask. I tried to rationalize it after she talked to me for an hour or so. And i guees i did, as we continued to date. It's something I was never comfortable with though and I always wondered. Edited July 17, 2013 by Babolat
ExpatInItaly Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I think I'd be able to accept it if I knew it were truly an occasional indulgence. I mean, I can have the occasional night myself where I'll take things way too far with drinking. The thing is, I don't know how to assess that accurately. I have no knowledge of what he does when I'm not around him. And if I tried to have a direct convo with him about his habits/frequency with coke, I'm not sure I'd get the whole truth. Let's face it, people lie about that stuff, sometimes both to themselves and others. But I'm not OK with dating a regular or even semi-regular coke user, no. What I do know is this dude obviously has a dealer, and the fact that he did it on that normal date with me (just an evening with the two of us) was a huge turnoff. The fact that he did it on a regular date and early in the relationship is a clear indication that he's not a "recreational" user. He's more than semi-regular. It's clear from your posts that you're not comfortable with this; that feeling is likely to get much, much worse if you stay together. A good friend is experienced something similar early in her relationship. She gave him the benefit of the doubt and justified his "occasional" use. Five years later and she's now miserable with this guy. He's got a bad coke habit and tries to blame her for the unhappiness, claiming she was okay with it in the beginning but now just wants to complain. The truth is that he'd always done it far more often than he let on (duh) and has spent ridiculous amounts of money on it. He lies about his usage and god knows what else. She's looking for a new place for herself now...you don't want to be her. Walk away now. 1
MissBee Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 In dating we need to go in firmly with our deal breakers or our absolutely NOs. No matter what someone else has going for them, that absolute NO, means no. For me, doing drugs is among my list of absolute NOs. It makes life and dating easier when I know what I absolutely cannot tolerate, as I have had the experience of hating something but trying to "give them a chance" anyway...never works. With my absolute NOS, I realize this is simply not going to work. You obviously feel uncomfortable with it, so it's up to you to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or you're willing to live with it. Do you see his leisure activities fitting into your life and not being a problem long term? I don't think drug users are inherently bad people; you being bad or not isn't the point, it's about if your lifestyle is conducive to my own. For me, I don't see how I as a non-drug user will have a healthy, positive relationship with someone who is, who proudly announces it. I wouldn't hedge that bet. I see more ways in which dating someone with a cocaine habit can go terribly wrong versus it somehow being okay. Something I learned which is invaluable is that someone being nice or having "other good qualities" doesn't take away from absolute nos. Not being a bad person or being nice aren't reasons enough to entangle myself with someone. 2
MidwestUSA Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 "I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too." Mitch Hedberg, 1968-2005, gone too soon. Rest in peace, funny man.
dasein Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 I can't imagine this turning out well. If he was an occasional user, very occasional, big event, reunion, NYE, vacation weed smoking at the beach, maybe, I know people like that and they are fine. But being high during your normal date to the point of revealing that to you to "finish off his stash?" Rest assured that stash will be replenished the minute you leave, and he was happy to see you go so he could make that call. He's an addict, and not suitable for a relationship other than with his drug of choice. Good luck moving forward and away from this bad bet. 2
pteromom Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 If you REALLY REALLY like him, it's worth a conversation. Tell him you've seen him high on coke a couple times now, and you want to know how often he does it and what the deal is with it. I wouldn't necessarily believe his response, but if he tells you he does it every weekend or something, you'll know it is over the line for you. For me - ANY coke use would be a dealbreaker. Pot is one thing - coke is in another realm altogether. 1
Author Standard-Fare Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 Ugh. This guy is a sweetheart and he COOKS ME GOURMET DINNERS, but of course he turns out to be a cokehead. I do like him so I'm going to have a conversation with him about things. I hope he can be honest with me about the extent of his habits, but I know the feeling in my gut will override everything. Getting really sick of dudes and their drugs, I have to say.
hppr Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 I have a buddy like that he compulsively does drugs/parties all the time. He'll be fine for awhile and then BOOM, he's off getting coked out, or shooting heroin or something else. One of those people who gets lonely in a hurry and if others aren't around to keep him company he'll look for whatever companionship he can find, oftentimes being drugs. Not sure what to tell you except that I've known this guy forever and he's never gonna change so unless you are okay with dating a cokehead/druggy type you'll have to drop this dude.
Treasa Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 But a couple weeks ago, we went to a concert together. In the middle of the it, he all of a sudden confessed to me that he'd just done some "powder" in the bathroom. He asked if I minded that, and I did, but I just kind of shrugged. I didn't want to completely destroy our evening, but I was a bit cold with him the rest of the night. This is the part that concerns me. Drug use aside, I don't think you should date someone if you can't openly communicate your feelings because you fear you might lose that person or upset them or something like that.
Author Standard-Fare Posted July 18, 2013 Author Posted July 18, 2013 This is the part that concerns me. Drug use aside, I don't think you should date someone if you can't openly communicate your feelings because you fear you might lose that person or upset them or something like that. We were in the middle of a concert I wanted to see the end of, surrounded by other people. It wasn't the time for a conversation. I shrugged in a dismissive way and left it at that. It took me a couple days to even process my feelings about it... and then, a few days later, when he did it again, I let everything out. I'm not afraid of upsetting him and I know he's more afraid of losing me than I am of losing him. 1
kaylan Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Weed Im cool with. Maybe even shrooms every so often. But hard drugs like coke, meth, heroin, etc? Hell no. Bail OP
RogerWallace111 Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 Like pteromom said, if you really like him & see potential, it's worth some serious discussion. I have friends who do blow from time to time, and even buy some every once in a while, but are by no means "cokeheads". I smoke weed sometimes and I'm not a stoner. I know coke can be extremely addictive but in my experience it's not always a lingering, lifelong affliction the way alcoholism or heroin addiction tend to be. For myself and all I've known who've done it from time to time, it seems to be a lot more easily done in spurts without lingering cravings compared to those. My point being that it's not necessarily as user-defining of a drug as some, so it would be worth feeling out the nature of his use. He could easily tell you he won't, and stick to his word. I guarantee, personally, I could be doing coke every weekend for months, and if I decided to stop, I would. Cocaine cravings tend to be more short-term in my experience. Quitting cigarettes seems like it would be tougher, really.
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