danomite Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hello, I'm 25 years old and am married to a 23 year old. My wife and I have been married two years. Recently, she up and quit her job and moved back to her parents place 2 hours away in our hometown. At the time she said that she missed her family (they are VERY close knit) and that we would work things out until I can permanently move out there with her. We have a house and other major responsibilities here but I thought I would do right by her and grant her what she wanted. I would work here, cover the bills and insurance. Then she could go home and get straightened out. Fast forward two weeks, after multiple visits (on the weekends) with her over the past couple of weeks she tells me that she needs her space and that she doesn't love me the way I love her. What? Last night we text for the first time in 2 days (she text me first) and of course I sound like the whiny beaten dog when I ask her how things are going. She responds with "it's only been two days, I've asked you to give me time to think and you're not doing that." I told her that I wouldn't bother her again. What am I supposed to do?
Philosoraptor Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Sounds like she is on her way out and has already put the distance between the two of you. Right now all you can do is give her that space and work on getting yourself in the best position to continue your life if things don't turn out in a positive direction.
jphcbpa Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 would she agree to therapy? sounds like she never left home and two never became 1
Author danomite Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Her family and I are hoping she will consider it. They don't understand what's going on either. She has problems (molested at a young age) refuses to go and see someone about it. Says she can't handle it, she's on medication to help cope tho.
GorillaTheater Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.No frequent phone calls.Don't point out "good points" in marriage.Don't follow her/him around the house.Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.Don't ask for reassurances.Don't buy or give gifts.Don't schedule dates together.Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!Don't be overly enthusiastic.Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." 3
GorillaTheater Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Some of the above "180" list may not be applicable, insofar as you have no evidence that there's an OM (other man), though you should hold this possibility open. But the rest of it is dead-on. Give your wife all the space she could possibly want. It's counter-intuitive, but effective. And by effective I mean putting you in the right frame of mind to cope, and increasing whatever chance there may be to restore your marriage. 1
Author danomite Posted July 17, 2013 Author Posted July 17, 2013 Her Dad is best friends with mine. She hasn't left the house or been away from her sisters in 2 weeks.
dichotomy Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 The fact that there is no OM, does not mean she is still in love with you or wishes to remain with you. From what i read, no amount of effort or things you can say provides her with any comfort. In fact your attitude may be pushing her appart. Please look at the dozens of ideas, posted for what you should be doing right now, plus talking to a lawyer for "what if's"
The Shepherd Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Looks like there is going to be a lot of drama in your life from here onwards and it is going to take a lot of your time, energy and resources. I think you need to start thinking in terms of whether she is worth all of it.
oldshirt Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Get an attorney. And an accountant and start preparing for a divorce. You dont have to file at this moment but get your wagons circled and your affairs in order because she is likely to file on you soon. "Need space" " taking a break" and " i need to work things out" etc etc means that there is someone else about 90% of the time. The other 10% of the time it means they are preparing themselves and getting their ducks in a row to be single again and that soon there will be someone else. Unless you are an abuser or a drunk or chronically unemployed/under employed or just completely neglect or ignore her, the only reason she would need space and move 2 hours away is if she was wanting to try someone else on for size or is simply preparing herself to exit the marriage. It's time to do two things immediately. The first is see a lawyer and start preparing for a divorce and protect your assets, finances and property. The second is start playing private eye and find out what is really going on with her. You have to start snooping through the bushes yourself and find out the truth because she is not going to just come out and tell you the whole truth. Get your affairs in order to protect yourself them find out what the real reality is, not just the cover story she is telling you. 3
Richard Friedman Posted July 18, 2013 Posted July 18, 2013 A 25 year old guy is not ready to be married, and a 23 year old women is certainly not ready to be married. What were you thinking? Cut this broad loose and live your life. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted July 19, 2013 Posted July 19, 2013 and of course I sound like the whiny beaten dog Why did you do this? Obviously you know that acting pathetic doesn't help your case...you just couldn't help yourself?
uncool Posted August 4, 2013 Posted August 4, 2013 There you go. She married when she was only 21. Bad move. that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard. Age shouldn't have anything to do with it. 23/21 is plenty old if two people are in love. My folks were married at 19/21 and they're still both madly in love with each other. Your problem is your self confidence. You're scaring the hell out of her. You need to discipline yourself to leave her the hell alone. Your brain is thinking wrong. Let her chase you. Stop texting calling her all the time. Next time she texts you... text back with maybe one or two words. (make sure they're positive). Do something cool with the house ...don't say anything.. .but just text her a picture... Make her think that you're just fine without her. Pick up a new hobby. Make her feel like she's second priority. Ignore her. I know it sounds weird but that's what she wants. Let her catch you flirting with the neighbor lady. You have to make yourself attractive... like she could loose you at any moment. Its weird but that's what women want these days. 1
sabre80 Posted August 8, 2013 Posted August 8, 2013 I second what Gorilla said. Nothing good ever comes from I need space. I would get that attorney man. Change your locks. Separate finances NOW. A marriage is about working through things as a team. If she needs space to herself she is walking out of the marriage. The way I see it, when a spouse walks out for "space", they have effectively divorced the other. All that is left now is the paperwork.
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