I am depressed and I am not able to decide on my marraige....

[ca]

hello friends,

I am going through a very bad phase in my life... my marraige.. something i thought would hcange my life for the better, today i cant beleive im depressed and helpless because of it ! In the last two years , me and my husband have had our share of good times as well as bad.. but hte problem is my husband is a control -freak!... in contrary to his general attitude to others ( always cheerful, happy go lucky , fun loving . etc) he is permenantly pissed off, frustrated and mad at me. At times of anger he insists everysingle day of his marraige with me has being hell ( he doesnt care about consequences or how i would feel about such harsh sentences ) he keeps insisting that he regrets this marriage.. and many times ( im ashamed that i have put up wit all this ) has also gone to the lengths of assualting me and hitting me.

I am not working at hte moment, and hence am finding it very difficult to cope up, make my decision on this .. because he is simply not interested. in working it it.. However, he wouldnt ever talk of divorce .I am unable tpo understand him !!! One minute , he is blasting off his head and acting like a maniac wit me, and the other moment he is laughin his heart off wit his friend !!

I am in pain and this whole hting is affecting my physical health. My friends have bneing tellin me to go n take up some art of living courses, meditation , etc to make myself feel good and be able to move on in life.

The worst part of all this is , im not able to share this grief of mine wit my parents. They are sick and they would be very very affected by the fact that their daughter is living a dog's life.. I cant belv i am actually experiencing such torture for no huge fault of my own.

I hav kinda vowed to myserlf that I wouldnt stoop to my husbnand's levels and keep prolongin the fight , i want towork things out calmly.. But this aint working either. I am lost.

He says rude things like he hates my voice , my face ,etc when he is mad at me.. the next day he could be very nice and insist that we have dinner out together.!! i dont understand.. I think he is lying and wants out and not able to do it in a dignified way.. In this process im hurting myself because even in the worst fits of his rage, I keep truying to calm him down and help him, and each time hurt myself doing so..

What could I do?? I am physically going weak and gettin into a clinical depression stage.. Im worried for both of us......

Please help

[ca]

And yes.. he thinks marraige counselling , etc is all farce . He has got a huge complex about himself and doesnt b eleive in seeking help even if is most needed.

[Matilda]

It says under your name that you are from India, so I am not really sure how things work there. If there is a shelter or program that helps women who are being abused, then I would contact them to get their advice on how you should proceed. It has been my experience that men who are abusive, don't change much, even with counseling, but I have heard that this is not always the case.

 

Is it possible for you to start working again? I just think it would be better for you to work, and then if you have to leave you will be able to support yourself. Also, I think working would give you some of your confindence back.

 

I think you should leave him. He sounds like a classic abusive husband. But I think you should make some preparations before you do so. Like, getting a job, figuring out a place to live, and contacting some people who know about helping women who are being abused.

[izzybelle]

get out if you can! however, i get the impression from your post that you're not sure if you have the strength to do that but if you can possibly dig deep enough to leave, please do. as matilda said, find a shelter or go to a friend's house if you're afraid to turn to your family.

 

unfortunately many people who either are abusers or potential abusers have their public face and their private face. leaving the abused person in a place where they are terribly confused by the major swings in mood and attitude. friends would look at the situation and not believe that it's really happening. and in many cases the person on the receiving end is too embarrassed or beaten psychologically (or physically) to be able to easily walk away. you mentioned that he's controlling and from what you've said, it seems pretty clear. many who are this way have the constant need to belittle and make the other person feel so badly about themselves that they become as you said "helpless."

 

at the very least, please, please, please get yourself some counseling. whether it ends up saving your marriage or giving you the strength to walk away, just do it. i know you said he won't go and i think in this case even if he would, i'd suggest starting out going on your own. you need to take care of yourself and please don't wait any longer, get out or get some help for YOU!!! you need to start getting your life back from him. don't expect it to all happen overnight but you need to get the courage to take that first step. perhaps telling your story here was just that.... so keep moving, don't give up on yourself!

[VivianLee]

He is mentally, physically and verbally abusive. You need to leave for the sake of your life!!

 

Do you live in India? What is your nationality? Is he from India? Are there children?

 

As Matilda said, we aren't really sure what venues you have in India to help your situation...

 

In the US, you'd need to document the abuse (pictures of bruises and such), then you could file for divorce and possibly get alimony where you could live on a income then maybe get a job. You could also find shelters and support groups....

 

If you can answer these questions about yours and your husband's nationality and where you live!

[ca]

Thanks for your replies friends.. it means so much to know, that i can actually communicate to people who can relate to my problems and see what im exactly going through , and not be surprised or question the seriousness of the matter..

Today was worse from yesterday, but i just called up a very close frd of his n told him id like to talk to him, for better or for worse, Id like him to knw whats going in,, just in case he cud throw some perspective frm a male's pt of view.. he is close to my husbnand, maybe even talk to him! who knws.. like they say the more u bottle up, the more u inflate and u break open like a bomb and cause harm to everyone around u.. thats what he going through now..

I am gonna pick up my saving grace n move on.. yesss im working now.. from home, freelancing n stuff. so i feel more confident.

In India, as such .. we do have a section in the law that protects women from abuse n harasment from their spouses n in-laws.

I could easily dial up n do it, but concerned about what our families wqould go through.. afterall they havnt made a mistake..

I wish we were more open minded bak here in india, and first take into priority our own lives. rather than think hundred times abt consequences , society issues ,etc etc....

Lets see how my talk wit his best friend goes... As for my husband he is still the same, and i dont deserve to treated like a damn illiterate backward woman anymore !! Im gonna make sure of that..

Crying for 2 years has surely done good to me, I hope i getr the strength to move on and make a life for myself.. and most of all not regret what happens from here on.....

As for kids , responsibilities.. none... we havnt being intimate that much in this course of marraige.. he wud always be late n tirede from work.. that leaves nothing muc to say....

[VivianLee]

ca, you are truly a very strong woman to have dealt with this for so long. As soon as you can for your safety's sake, try and leave him. I know it's not as easy there as it is here but I image the relief you are going to feel not living in that atmosphere will be amazing!!

 

You sound like a very smart, intelligent woman that just married the wrong man. I hope you are able to leave this marriage and enjoy your life. Maybe some day you can find a man that deserves you and you can know what being loved is all about plus have some babies!!

 

Take care and know that there are people here that will be glad to listen and talk you through this!!