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How long do you talk about A each time you do with WS?


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Posted

I am sure it is not healthy when bringing up the affair to have a rant or ask questions of the WS to go on for hours. Counselling sessions are 50mins- 1hr for a reason! BUT! When you are into one and you don't have someone to calm things down throughout to stop it getting heated or going round the houses or make someone listen...(!) and you want to go on, do you? I do as you can tell! I just want to keep going until something is resolved. Sometimes it is and I feel better after 2 - 3 hours of shouting crying whatever and sometimes I feel worse.

 

What did you do? What do you do? What works for you and was it different at different at different stages after the d-day?

Posted

Crying and shouting is not talking about the affair. Once control is lost leave the room and end the talk for that day.

 

Constant talking and the healing will never happen. It is ripping the wound open. However on dday the need to get answers is so strong that ask whatever you need. For the rest of that week you can grill the WS one hour every day.

 

After the first week try to taper affair talk to once a week on wednesdays. Go for a cup of coffee and talk a walk or drive and talk. Try not to have affair talk on the weekends that time should be for reconnecting.

 

Once all the questions have been asked the affair talk needs to end so the BS can forget the affair. Dwelling on the affair everyday will not let the marriage recover.

Posted

fWS here and reconciled 5 years now

 

We made a pact that the talking would be done in MC and that was a safe place for us to say anything and everything that needed to be said. We agreed that we would hug each other when leaving the MC as part of re-connecting/healing after a tough session. We also made a point of going out once a week at least when we could talk about us/life in general.

 

This worked for us in that it stopped the potential for destructive arguments during the rest of the week and it also gave us time for "normal" (as much as it could be) life when we were both feeling so stressed and pressured.

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Posted

Obviously I'm not a BS, but I have to wonder what is healthy about talking about the A itself for more than a few hours in the days after d-day. There can't be that much to talk about, it would seem more like just re-hashing the same thing over and over.

 

I could spell out every single major detail of my A in lees than 10 minutes.

Posted (edited)

We are in second round of therapy now. We are asked to keep the bad stuff till the sessions each week. Not always easy to do - sometimes it spills out, other times we can both tell we are "stuffing it" till we can release at next session.

 

However, we (ok I) also try to find some sessions to not talk about affair or past betryals, or even other hot button issues like sex. I realize that the each session can't always be a bitch fest.

 

It is hard, because I do want to spend like two or three days - 8 hour sessions each day finally getting this past betrayls and our sex life resolved with therapist help, but you can't. It is a struggle to piece meal it, and also simply discuss the good stuff we have and can work on has well.

 

I understand discussing affair and sex outside of therapist office is pointless right now. We need a third party. Fortunately for us we got a great woman therapist who is very perceptive, very strong willed and very practical minded - with specific directions, comments, and even "gasp!" judgements made.

 

As good as this therapist is, it is painfully slow progress, but it is progress so far and I am hopeful now. I just wonder however, if she has yet to get to the root of my wife's issues, I think I know exactly what they are, but I am letting therapist get there on her own as I could be wrong.

Edited by dichotomy
Posted

In the beginning, I would text him questions all day long when he was at work. He works a lot. That wasn't working because it would upset us both. I decided that when he wasn't home, and I had questions, I would write them down. He would get home and answer my pages of questions. It worked for us.

 

After a couple of months, we rearranged our working hours so that we had more time to spend together. Our schedules were a big problem in the deterioration of our marriage so it helped in a lot of ways. We now have two days off together. At first, I would try to keep the A talk to one day and the other day would be just about us.

 

We are almost at the eight month mark and I don't really schedule time to talk about it. I talk about it and ask questions when they come up and he answers when I ask. He does not get defensive anymore and the questions do not lead to fights.

 

I keep hoping that I wont have anymore questions, but they haven't stopped popping up.

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  • Author
Posted
Crying and shouting is not talking about the affair. Once control is lost leave the room and end the talk for that day.

 

Constant talking and the healing will never happen. It is ripping the wound open. However on dday the need to get answers is so strong that ask whatever you need. For the rest of that week you can grill the WS one hour every day.

 

After the first week try to taper affair talk to once a week on wednesdays. Go for a cup of coffee and talk a walk or drive and talk. Try not to have affair talk on the weekends that time should be for reconnecting.

 

Once all the questions have been asked the affair talk needs to end so the BS can forget the affair. Dwelling on the affair everyday will not let the marriage recover.

This sounds like such good advice but difficult to always follow! Are you a MC?! Once a week after only the first week I don't think is realistic, I don't see any other BSs that have been able to do that. Too many questions repeated or not, they go round your head.

 

You are quite right about shouting is not discussion. But often it gets there, but I do mean calm discussion too. Even when its that I don't suppose its good to go for longer than an hour, but I'm so keen to get as much done as possible in one go each time to move on quicker! I don't do slow in anything, my ADHD! So long, slow painful heaing process is peeing me off! I don't want any of that 2 - 5 years stuff! Talking about this in two years time? Please no. 5? No way. Or do people just mean it takes this long to heal/forgive/trust. Ah ha! Another thread methinks! As if I don't start enough already!

 

I like the w/e no affair discussion though. I am going to try that. Thanks

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Posted
Obviously I'm not a BS, but I have to wonder what is healthy about talking about the A itself for more than a few hours in the days after d-day. There can't be that much to talk about, it would seem more like just re-hashing the same thing over and over.

 

I could spell out every single major detail of my A in lees than 10 minutes.

But you are not a BS. You've read many a thread here, it's a common factor that BSs ahve questions you wouldn't believe would come up! Nitty gritty detail, ridiculous things, and then all the family relationship things that are personal to the WS an BS which the AP wouldn't know about. It also goes round and round your head and back again so things are rehashed even when you think dead and buried. I thought I had buried things spoken aout but oh no, up they pop when talking about something else! More so when you think the WS hasn't taken on board your point of view, once WS accepts your points (as BS) and feelings rather than arguing then its much easier to put away as understood by WS and WS will do things to put each right and gain trust. etc and more waffle!

Posted

I think part of your problem is that your H resists talking about it. As long as that goes on I think it would be natural for you to keep asking. It will keep you needy.

 

Funny thing about this stuff. Once my WS stopped resisting talking about it, at first I had a flood of questions. Many already discussed to death before but up they came again. Once I realized my WS was never going to say no to talking about it, pretty soon, I stopped wanting to talk about it. Not that I don't have the urge but I could see it was like someone posted earlier here, that it was reopening the wound and making me feel worse. Plus it makes the WS think about the A. Hurts the WS. I don't want to hurt my WS for no reason. If I were getting better b/c of talking about it then sure, I'd not worry about WS suffering. Since I got all the info that I needed I just want to no longer talk about it. Except rarely.

 

One other thing about this that doesn't makes sense but is true, I think. That is if you try to rush this you will only end up taking longer. Let yourself keep re-opening the wound. Don't resist that urge. Until you are ready. It may take more time and it certainly will require your H to stop being the one to resist the urge. That has to come from you and come naturally. Can't be forced or the urge just gets stronger. IMHO.

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Posted (edited)

 

It is hard, because I do want to spend like two or three days - 8 hour sessions each day finally getting this past betrayls and our sex life resolved with therapist help, but you can't. It is a struggle to piece meal it, and also simply discuss the good stuff we have and can work on has well.

Yep! I hate slow. But as our MC says - she recommends only seeing her once a week or more weeks which we have done is to allow things to permeate. That spelling is wrong!

 

In the beginning I decided that when he wasn't home, and I had questions, I would write them down. He would get home and answer my pages of questions. It worked for us.

 

I did that. We couldn't do my pages in one go though...!

 

We are almost at the eight month mark and I don't really schedule time to talk about it. I talk about it and ask questions when they come up and he answers when I ask. He does not get defensive anymore and the questions do not lead to fights.

 

I keep hoping that I wont have anymore questions, but they haven't stopped popping up.

Are they the same ones or different to those you've had before? Mine are certainly lessening. I can feel it as well as knowing it if you see what I mean.

 

I think part of your problem is that your H resists talking about it. As long as that goes on I think it would be natural for you to keep asking. It will keep you needy.

 

Funny thing about this stuff. Once my WS stopped resisting talking about it, at first I had a flood of questions. Many already discussed to death before but up they came again. Once I realized my WS was never going to say no to talking about it, pretty soon, I stopped wanting to talk about it. Not that I don't have the urge but I could see it was like someone posted earlier here, that it was reopening the wound and making me feel worse. Plus it makes the WS think about the A. Hurts the WS. I don't want to hurt my WS for no reason. If I were getting better b/c of talking about it then sure, I'd not worry about WS suffering. Since I got all the info that I needed I just want to no longer talk about it. Except rarely.

 

One other thing about this that doesn't makes sense but is true, I think. That is if you try to rush this you will only end up taking longer. Let yourself keep re-opening the wound. Don't resist that urge. Until you are ready. It may take more time and it certainly will require your H to stop being the one to resist the urge. That has to come from you and come naturally. Can't be forced or the urge just gets stronger. IMHO.

I think he is getting better at resisting. Not good but better as is my need to keep mentioning it as you say. I may point that out to him thanks!

 

Above you said it's like reopening a wound but you also say keep doing it until you stop. I think I get that, it's what I've been doing and certainly I am doing it less.

 

Our MC sessions are good we always come out of them positively. If finaincially worse off!

Edited by Queen of Sheba
  • Author
Posted

I'm now trying something that was advised on another thread. Not to talk about it at weekends. The MC asked me what I would do instead etc. So I have written stuff down over the w/e that normally I would bring up. Rants and questions. This means it doesn't just keep going round in my head but it gets dealt with at an agreed time. Hopefully calmly as its written. Hope it helps us and the idea helps someone else!?

  • Like 1
Posted
I'm now trying something that was advised on another thread. Not to talk about it at weekends. The MC asked me what I would do instead etc. So I have written stuff down over the w/e that normally I would bring up. Rants and questions. This means it doesn't just keep going round in my head but it gets dealt with at an agreed time. Hopefully calmly as its written. Hope it helps us and the idea helps someone else!?

 

Recovery needs more then no affair talk on the weekends. Date nights. Recreational companionship. Meeting each other's needs.

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Posted
Recovery needs more then no affair talk on the weekends. Date nights. Recreational companionship. Meeting each other's needs.

Yes, this is only one part. But I think it will help recovery not to talk about it at w/es. Often we could have a good day and it would be ruined by starting up in the evening after a drink. It doesn't go away, it gets written down for talking about later.

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Posted

Some are the same and some are new. I guess I am one who needs to know absolutely everything. I think the ones that are the same are ones that I didn't believe in the beginning or maybe his answers were not clear. Sometimes I just want to be reassured about certain things.

Posted

We set limits on how long we'd talk about it outside of MC. 30 minutes/night was our limit.

 

And we used a journal to document where we'd left off, and where we needed to pick up when we resumed. We'd also use it to jot notes if there's something we thought of in between discussions that we wanted to discuss the next time.

 

It was a little awkward/unwieldly at first, but it worked out and helped us keep from spending too much time beating the heck outta each other.

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Posted
Some are the same and some are new. I guess I am one who needs to know absolutely everything. I think the ones that are the same are ones that I didn't believe in the beginning or maybe his answers were not clear. Sometimes I just want to be reassured about certain things.

Yep I am the same as this. But as regards the query about length of time - how long/how often do you bring it up?

Posted
Yep I am the same as this. But as regards the query about length of time - how long/how often do you bring it up?

Whenever I need to. Sometimes it is just one question and sometimes that question leads to more. Sometimes the one question is enough. So, sometimes the Q&A is over in a minute while other times it goes on for a while. There are days that there are no questions but at this point I don't think it has gone a week. Is that what you were asking?

Posted
Some are the same and some are new. I guess I am one who needs to know absolutely everything. I think the ones that are the same are ones that I didn't believe in the beginning or maybe his answers were not clear. Sometimes I just want to be reassured about certain things.

 

 

Normal to re ask questions and to re word the questions to see if WS is telling the truth consistently and to clarify previous answers. Also WS answers sometimes brings new info that requires digging into new areas.

 

Quite often and answer creates a new question.

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Posted
Whenever I need to. Sometimes it is just one question and sometimes that question leads to more. Sometimes the one question is enough. So, sometimes the Q&A is over in a minute while other times it goes on for a while. There are days that there are no questions but at this point I don't think it has gone a week. Is that what you were asking?

Yep it was and yep that's me too!

  • Author
Posted
Normal to re ask questions and to re word the questions to see if WS is telling the truth consistently and to clarify previous answers. Also WS answers sometimes brings new info that requires digging into new areas.

 

Quite often and answer creates a new question.

Ha I'm normal!

Posted

Hi Queen, sorry it's taken me so long to answer. My H and I didn't do MC but we kind of did our own MC. Every weekend (no kids then) we set aside a time to talk. We would both come to the table with topics, and talk through those. We both recognized that this was serious talking time. It was tough. The first month or so after d-day my H would actually plan on something to do after the talk so he could get out of the house and have his own time. These talking times went on for 1-2 hours.

 

We'd talk about things outside of that, but we recognized it wasn't "official" talking time so we tried not to go into things too much. We planned activities and did other things.

 

We did this for well over a year, not so much anymore since the baby takes up all our time! But if one of us does have something important to discuss, we say, "Can we have some talking time?" and we both know to take that talking time seriously. I really am grateful to have that tool for our relationship now as communication was one of our issues before my A.

 

Hope this helps,

B

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