focus2802 Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hey Everyone, My first post, this site looks just like what I need right now, I need some perspective on things. I don't know what to do about my relationship and I'm growing more unhappy, confused and sad as time goes on. My partner and I have been together 14 years, we have two beautiful children. We have always had a very sexually charged relationship, my partner was always 'into' me and made me feel special, she was playful, and assertive and I loved that about her, we could make each other feel like teenagers and despite some problems one thing we had was a magnetism and a cheeky,saucy vibe that kept us fresh, we had alot of respect for each others intellectual capacity and talking for hours about philosophical subjects was a regular part of being with each other. I used to love long car journeys with her for just this reason. Since the children came along my partner seems to have changed dramatically, all the emphasis is on them and our relationship is taken entirely for granted. I understand this to a point but I don't understand her distance now, we still do have sex or fool around which I am happy with up to a point, except that I just feel she is so distant, or seems to be acting out of obligation. Sex and intimacy feels like it has become a ritual much like doing the laundry or cleaning the bathroom. I so want her to actually look at me like she wants me, but instead if I lean in to kiss her she might make a joke of it or give off a signal that she just wants to be left alone, she seems to want to live on her ipad or else is too tired to talk. During sex, I want her to kiss me passionately, look into my eye's, smile at me or want to take some time on me, but despite my efforts, it feels by the end instead like two people using each other for nothing more than friction. Afterwards I feel unfulfilled and wonder what about me turns her off these days. What is most confusing is that I know I'm an attractive, amusing and interesting guy. I'm no push over, but I am supportive of her when she has emotional problems. Again, here though the moment I think she needs me I give her my full attention, really listen to her and offer my perspective, which she seems to really appreciate, and yet the moment I start sharing with her perhaps something I need that kind of support over, she seems to suddenly become tired, or want to play games on her ipad. I've even had it where she has been utterly distraught, that I've then really worked at comforting her, and then as soon as she is better I might as well not be in the room. I've felt quite used at those times. The effect on me has been that my self esteem is plummeting, since I keep thinking that I must have lost something. I often feel like little more than a handy man to have around, someone to share childcare with, be a sounding board for and occasionally use for sex, but not someone compelling whom she couldn't live without. She works hard, and so do I. But she earns more than me and pays for all the things the kids need and the shopping, I have good months and bad months, I pay my share of the house keeping, but there is little left to contribute to food or clothes for the children. It is easier generally for her to go out and do nice things, but if she wants me to come along she inevitably has to cover me too, consequently I can't easily give her a good time the way she wants - she needs theatre, hotels and restaurants when all I can really afford right now is an occasional trip with the kids to go ten pin bowling, couple of slushies and Nandos maybe. For me, the intimacy of a relationship is about reminding each other that we still love each other, despite the busy and exhausting days and I simply struggle to understand why she doesn't see how beneficial it is to us. My concerns long term are that I cannot bear being in a relationship which is not loving, I don't want to leave her, I am still attracted to her and it would kill me to leave the kids, but I've been thinking more and more how I can't live the rest of my life with someone who doesn't appreciate me. If anyone understands whats going on with her, I'd like to hear what you have to say. Thanks in advance!
TigerCub Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Hey Focus, From what you said, it seems like there is a disconnect here. You both work hard, then as you admitted, she does more house work, more child care and you work almost 12 hrs on weekends. When are you guys supposed to have time to just be alone and reconnect? I understand that you can't give your partner the fancy restaurants and spa/hotels she'd be into, but is it possible to arrange for a trusted family member to take the kids once every couple of weeks for a night, so that you and your wife can spend some quality time together? It doesn't take a fancy restaurant to make a woman swoon. You can bring her flowers and cook her dinner and just open a bottle of wine and enjoy a movie or a bubble bath together. It's the idea that you make an effort to spend time with her (for reasons other than sex - just to reconnect) and have time alone without the kids. I can't speak for her, but I'm just guessing that all the pressures of life coupled with the distance and not having time for one another is what would make her pull away or at least lose interest.
jphcbpa Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 "but I've been thinking more and more how I can't live the rest of my life with someone who doesn't appreciate me." I think you really need to take a look at this. Keep the focus on you and not her. Talk with her about this. This is a very workable situation, but you need to take your emotions out of this and not take this so personal.
cozycottagelg Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 This sounds a lot like something my husband would write. I have a question, and I am only going off my own life, so I could be asking things that are way off base for your own relationship. Are you helpful with the kids? Do you go places with your wife and children? Do you attend birthday parties, bbqs, events, etc? I will say. My husband and I had such a "perfect" relationship before we had children. He is what I would consider my soul mate in every way. But then the kids came along and I was doing everything. I was taking them everywhere, even now, when he knows it's my biggest gripe. I hate going to a family event or anywhere really and having people ask me where he is because he decided to stay home. I never (and admittedly, still don't) nag him about it. I want him to want to go, not go because I'm going to be pissed... I don't even know where I am going with this...I am trying not to thread-jack. Bottom line, is there an aspect of the relationship you could make better so that she is more into you? I told my husband last summer it would mean the world to me if he even took the kids to the store with him. I never get to be in my own house alone. That would be a "treat" for me... but he still doesn't. Maybe she feels like she carries so much of the responsibilty, that sex is just one more on top of it?? I know for me, I got to a point where I would say "if he can't hang out with me and the kids, he doesn't get any of me"...
eddyctv Posted July 17, 2013 Posted July 17, 2013 Wow London, I am in the same boat you are in. Altho not married, I have been with my girlfriend for 13 years, and we have an 8 yr old daughter together, and she has 2 great sons from a previous marriage. I moved in with her in 2003, and she check out of the relationship within the first year. I caught her texting another guy for a long stretch, and even tho she didnt admit it, I am sure something went on with this guy. In 2008, when FB came around, I started seeing an old girlfriend behind my girlfriends back. I NEEDED that "connection" that you speak of. And I got it with my side girlfriend, man did i get it, for 4 years, before she finally gave up on me, waiting for me to leave my family. So I decided to try to make it work again with my girlfriend. We tried having sex again, but it was as romantic as a physical. Just zero connection. No melting in each others eyes. Nothing. I am not getting any younger. I'm not sure what to do.
Author focus2802 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 Hi Everyone, Apologies for a really slow response to your replies. To be honest I didn't know what to say, mostly because I understand everything that has been said and the advice that has been suggested but didn't want to be negative by saying I couldn't see any of them working. My partner has a particularly complex character in that of the two I am the one that will sit down with her and try and get out whatever the hell it is that is wrong. What happens is she simply says nothing is wrong, but she always seems to need something that we just cannot do right now, typically - 'I just need to get to the end of term' (shes a teacher) or 'I just need to get back to work' or 'I'll be more relaxed after a holiday' Its the constantly shifting goal posts that has become so difficult to make sense of. I'm just not happy being left in a sort of void, doubtful that I have any real clues to her state of mind. I believe her when she says there is no one else but me in her life, but I don't think she appreciates the extent of my unhappiness. This morning I woke up and I just feel so bored. I know this is a strange emotion, but its the most prominent - I'm bored because I don't feel I am able to contribute to our family world, since my best characteristics - dark, dry humour is received negatively, my cheeky playful behaviour is always inappropriate (no bubble baths because its dries her skin) and I cannot be spontaneous because everything has to be planned way in advance. What I am suspecting is that I should have found a more easy going partner, someone who would eat a curry without worrying about her weight, or who might slouch a bit more and not be so serious all the time. I crave being with someone who just gets me a bit more and doesn't get so uptight about everything I say. However, I am so stuck. I can't leave, I would lose so much - its too painful to consider, but then I am getting so unhappy I'm starting to think there is no way out, or that I am destined to have to split up my family and it would kill me to do this to my kids.
Author focus2802 Posted July 21, 2013 Author Posted July 21, 2013 This reply I wanted to reply in detail to as I think they are really helpful questions This sounds a lot like something my husband would write. I have a question, and I am only going off my own life, so I could be asking things that are way off base for your own relationship. Are you helpful with the kids? Do you go places with your wife and children? Do you attend birthday parties, bbqs, events, etc? I am helpful with the kids, but not so much of late because there is a ton of stuff that needs doing, honestly I would be happy to spend more time with them but time is short and we have a number of big projects on the go which only I can really do - namely installing air con, car repairs, decorating - if I don't make an effort to do these things, they just don't get done and they are time dependent right now - it has been a particularly unusual time in this regard I will say. My husband and I had such a "perfect" relationship before we had children. He is what I would consider my soul mate in every way. But then the kids came along and I was doing everything. I was taking them everywhere, even now, when he knows it's my biggest gripe. I hate going to a family event or anywhere really and having people ask me where he is because he decided to stay home. I never (and admittedly, still don't) nag him about it. I want him to want to go, not go because I'm going to be pissed... I do actually enjoy going to events with them, often because of reasons above I don't feel I can, since my partner is on 'Term' time i.e. she gets alot of time off when I am still on a regular week, I don't get to do the picnics, swimming and other fun events and I don't like missing this but I just feel really guilty if I drop work that needs to be done. What is difficult for us is that the options for social gathering are always centered around her friends and family, we don't live near my friends and family - I don't mind this, but I often feel like I am an appendage to her life and that I have to fit in around her. I don't even know where I am going with this...I am trying not to thread-jack. Bottom line, is there an aspect of the relationship you could make better so that she is more into you? I told my husband last summer it would mean the world to me if he even took the kids to the store with him. I never get to be in my own house alone. That would be a "treat" for me... but he still doesn't. I took my daughter out just last week shopping with me because I enjoy the bonding moments we have, I'm also happy to take her away for the weekend to see my family, I can't wait to do cinemas and things like that when she's a bit older, but I would struggle to take the baby as well, I find I have zero patience for babies and he is particularly demanding. My partner though really loves being around the kids when she has time, to the extent that she'll seek out other kids so the house can be heaving. Not something I'm fond of. Maybe she feels like she carries so much of the responsibilty, that sex is just one more on top of it?? I know for me, I got to a point where I would say "if he can't hang out with me and the kids, he doesn't get any of me"... I understand this, my partner does do more of the housework and childcare, can't lie about that, but as well as childcare, bottle feeding, bedtimes, nappy changing I also do a lot of man things that she is not interested in at all which contribute to our family in very significant ways. They are not tokenistic, but genuinely important for us. I automatically have to assume because of gender stereotyping that as a man I am probably never doing as much as her, yet in reality I probably am - we have come along way since the traditional roles of our parents and while I still accept that women work extremely hard in typical relationships, that the changes of the last 20 years are really extraordinary and do not get the level of recognition they deserve. The fact is that I am a sensitive, communicator and not ignorant to her needs, I'm attentive and I do help with jobs that my father would never have done once. Not after a gold medal here, just recognition at least that we are making progress. I also feel that a really positive form of childcare are parents who are clearly still attractive to each other and who put themselves before the children. Sex, is the most effective way for a busy couple to re-connect and to spend time knowing each other - of course if you have a bloke who is completely dis-interested in the relationship except for sex - I can't argue with your comment that he doesn't get you. However, in my instance I actually feel that the woman in this relationship is simply blind to a growing issue and is in denial. My attempts to rectifiy this as well as I can are met with a peculiar non-communicative stance which seems at odds with the way most women work.
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